him

I am learning new things about myself every minute it seems some days. More so I think I am taking notice to things about myself that I never really realized before. It's hard to wake up and face the days that you don't want to; even harder to droll on and hope that one day your life will be the dream that you envision when that dream is constantly evolving. I look back over my life before now and I think of all the times that I thought I knew how my life would be. When I thought I knew exactly what I wanted so completely with my whole heart until I sat there with my face in my hands completely heart broken and blind sided because I was not living life with my eyes open and missed the fact that the people I was pending up my hopes and dreams on were busy with dreams of their own that didn't include me.
I am lucky only in the sense that I think that I have grown from all of that. I learned valuable things along the way. The concern I have is that some how I realize that those instances scarred me in many ways and seemingly jaded the trust that I have for others. It has piled up some how to this multitude of self-defeating relationship behaviors centered around cynicism and mistrust, that may even be powerful enough to bring about behaviors that were never there to begin with and end something beautiful in demise.
I always thought that it was fine just to be that way and keep your guard up... that if the "right" person came along they would understand and be willing to subject themselves through the rigorous line of insecurities because their desire to own your heart is greater than your self-defeating behaviors and they have nothing to hide. Upon reflection I have surmised thinking that is foolish and selfish. It requires them to offer over their whole soul to me without me really putting anything in the middle. Give it all to me; sacrifice everything and I will stand here behind this glass wholly protected, observing but never really living, because I refuse to give you the power to hurt me. But then that is not really living at all is it?
I have been, to many, the voice of reason. They find in me admiration over my ability to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my heart and renew myself with strength... they don't see the brokenness that lay just beneath the surface or the tear-soaked pillow cases from all the mornings I woke alone. I bite those feelings back and put a smile on to be strong for my friends and thought for a long time if I lived the lie that they believed in long enough that one day I would be able to do it without tricking myself. I was wrong.
In the midst of all that "independence", without incept or reason my heart was guided to someone who walked my roads of heartache and suffered much the same as I. A friendship was forged and the magnetic pull of his personality kindled a craving in my heart to have him near me. I loved him before I fully knew him and that is something that I chastised many people before me for. I bathed in his flattery, reveled in his adoration and let him walk away a friend for nearly a year because I gave nothing back. It was mystifying and wholly spectacular to let a little of my heart go to him.. to drip it by the drop-fulls into the pool of his heart and watch the ripple swell into a tidal wave that washed over me. He can say everything to me, saying nothing at all, with the curve of his infectious smile and the gleam of his eyes and I am simply powerless... mesmerized and drawn into the depths of his hold.
Life throws you curve balls and makes things seem unbearable at times. I always marked the storms of life's natural course as the moments when the men in my life would disappear. It's a big step, too big for them to think about, to set aside you own personal issues (everyone has them) and be prepared to face the ills of the world together and grab one another out of the proverbial sink hole of despair that life likes to toss you in... until like a miracle you learn to build a bridge together. He builds a bridge with me everyday and it's amazing to know that he will be there forever and not because he promised to, but because it is evident in the things he is doing and the choices that he tries to make with me. Not that either of us don't have our days where we are dousing that bridge in gasoline and holding the matches to burn it to the ground, but we always have each other to be there and blow out the flames. Somehow it makes us stronger. I think the key to almost any indifference in a relationship is knowing that the you are not the only person in it that doesn't want to give up and that you as well as them can always recall why they loved you so much to begin with.
No one said love was easy. When the gloves come off and things get real, you'll know if it is love or not for sure.
I feel fortunate to wake beside him in the mornings, to see the soft light creep through the window and dance along his eyelashes as his chest gently rises and falls beneath the catacombs of our fluffy down comforter. It's such a treasure to whisper I love him as I sweetly kiss the stubble upon his cheek and even though I think him to be in the deepest sleep ever, to hear him groggily respond " I love you too ".
I have always said that I am not a fortune teller and though I can only dream a future, that even if it ends poorly that I would rather have had the moments we shared in love... the memories that we made strung together like beads of rain drizzled along the daisy chain of our lives and have them to dangle in the sunshine of my memories and revel in the rainbow that they cast.
Sticking my neck on the chopping block is something that I have never been really good at. Giving someone all of your heart and not holding a piece of it back is in turn giving them the whole ability to destroy you if they so choose and trusting that they won't is the hardest thing you may ever bring yourself to believe. Once you know the sting of heartache; it is a pain that you will never forget, I can equal it only to razor sharp shards of glass coursing your veins while a mountain of lead sits upon your chest. To believe that you will live, despite that pain, seems unfathomable, and even though you manage; you never really forget. Heartache does something to you that is unimaginable. You find faults in yourself and no matter how you protested the angry words demeaning your character; some of that seeps inside of you and stays with you in a way forever changing your perception of yourself. I never really realized that before now about myself. I have noticed it in others during the course of our relationship and thought to myself, "I wish that I could have met them before someone broke their heart so badly and loved them then". They couldn't help it, and maybe didn't even notice it to be just that.
It was hard to realize that I did that too. It is a struggle everyday to try to push past it and take away only the lessons from the past without all the skepticism. I am glad that someone understands this emotion, that they've lived it; and mostly that he's able to forgive it.
With my whole heart I want to give him the love that I want for myself. I want to soak up all that his heart has to offer me and wring it back out upon him. I look in his eyes and I can feel the world around us melt away sometimes... what a feeling it is to be lost but know exactly where you are going all at the same time.
Many years ago, I had said that I never wanted my children to have a "step-parent"; especially one that had children of their own. I took from my own experiences as a child that they could never love them as much as their own children. I rethink that nearly every day. He is a wonderful parent... I fear far better than I could have ever aspired to be. He is firm but fair and wholly consistent. They boys needed him so much more than he could ever know. He looks them in the face and promises them that he will be here forever; and I think for once they actually believe him. He flourishes where I fail them; where I break or give in, he is a pillar; I am learning so much about being the parent that I always wanted to be. My heart grows in the moments that we are together as a family.. all snuggled up for a movie or laughing & being silly. It's a feeling of wholeness I cannot fully express, and it is easy sometimes to forget that we did not create these lives together.
I think we are all learning to be less of the "I" mentality and more accustomed to being a team unit. Could it be real that I can finally put to rest the fear that my children would not know the stability of a home life that I always wanted for myself with two strong-minded, responsible, loving parents>?
I love this man with my whole heart. I am learning to let go for him a little more each day. I catch myself staring at the way the line of his shirt falls upon his neck, the blur of his lashes encasing his eye.... the whirl of his hair & the weight of his hand in mine. I lose myself in the crook of his arm, ear pressed to his heart as his fingers relocate the locks of my hair with the precision of a sculptor. The warm honey softness of his kiss, the scent of his skin and the chirp of his laughter... a comfort, an addiction that is ever-burning for him. I can only pray that I will be the keeper of his heart wholly for always.
I could melt away into oblivion with this man... he's right; our hearts mirror each other... and I gaze in awe at the union that is we. I love you <3