I've been in a whirlwind the past couple of years and haven't gotten a chance to put things down here like I've wanted. Writing is such an outlet for me and putting it out into the void of cyberspace often helps me just let go of whatever is bothering me.
In the past year or so I have been working hard to foster a better relationship for my children with their Father's side of the family. It hits home that my Mother is gone and seeing as I have abandoned most of her family, I really feel like it is my duty to strengthen the bonds that my children have with their extended family. This is a truly taxing ordeal for me, because from the very beginning there has really been no love loss between them and I.
I don't think I know many women in my situation that would choose the same path as me. It's a hard road to follow and I think many single mothers choose the easier route and either hold a vendetta or search for vindication.
My kids' father is not the easiest person to deal with, let it be said. He's shiftless, a huge procrastinator and generally self serving. He is an avid liar with a healthy side of entitlement, and as if that isn't enough to drive you crazy he has an extremely smart mouth and no filter for the inappropriate.
I've tolerated most of that and bit my tongue for the past year or so. I've suffered through his many phone calls to tell me his problems and often times him asking me to fix them or hoping I would offer. He's been through several relationships in the past year or so and floated from place to place. At the tail end of last year he was going on about the open relationship that he was in and how they were swingers - I warned him that it just didn't sound safe and he shrugged it off only to tell me a couple weeks later how the girl stabbed him. On one hand I feel bad, but at the same time it all just settles in my mind and I am reminded why he is not a suitable person to parent my children... and why it is so vital that I remain steadfast in suffrage by allowing him to visit the children at my residence where I know it's safe.
Short visits turn to longer visits and begin to include meals and allowing him to wash laundry... like it's my obligation to feed him or allow him amenities if I expect him to visit with the kids. Not surprising to me that he uses the kids as a vehicle to meet his means. My current boyfriend and I joke about how he is like our adopted child, though I know a lesser man would make my life a hell for allowing him to consistently wipe his feet on my doormat.
In the past year my oldest son has had 2 major surgeries. There has been ongoing complications with his neck and necrotic tissue. My heart breaks, he is eleven and children at school can be so cruel about the sizable scar on his neck. It's a lot for a child to overcome and it he cries sometimes about being different and just wanting to fit in and "belong". I hate having the talk with him and telling him that no matter how much he has or how "popular" he is that there will always be people to talk about him and always having something to criticize is much the way that most people are these days. I struggle to empower him and build a strong sense of self within his heart, but often times I am certain that my words are anything but a comfort to him and often fall on deaf ears.
My youngest child suffers from Autism and sensory disorder... and two days ago had to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. It's a fairly routine outpatient surgery, but to him it is very stressful and alarming. A huge deviation from his normal routine and accompanied by pain and limitations that make his anxiety go off the charts.
Upon leaving the hospital to head home his father, without even asking me, asks my son if he wants him to stop over and see him and finalizes plans to see him in about an hour. I'm instantly annoyed. I mean don't even ask me if it is a good time (which I know it isn't). My son will be groggy and tired and really should spend the bulk of his time sleeping. When he arrives at the house nearly and hour and a half later, he comes through the door with two slurpies from the gas station, one for each child and I am thinking... seriously? nice thought, but there is no way that my youngest son, fresh from surgery is going to even put a dent in that drink... so I tell him that he might as well just put it in the freezer.
My youngest son is sleeping, and his father is standing in the doorway coughing up a lung. I say to him that if he feels sick he shouldn't be here and even still coughing like that he should go back outside as not to wake my boy. He responds per usual with a smart ass comment followed by some name calling and my anger mounts, though I say nothing. My son ends up waking up and I get him settled with a new movie and his medicine. Within the half hour his father has fallen asleep on my sofa (unknown to me at the time) and I can hear my child calling to him, straining his voice to get his attention. I step into the room to find him asleep and I become instantly pissed. I mean if you are tired - GO HOME! You claim that you are here because of my kid, but then you are unavailable to him and SLEEPING! He gets up and stomps around the room like a child threatening to leave to get the kids upset and calling me names in front of them. I am asking him to step outside to talk and not to make a scene in front of the children and he continues to talk over me.
I finally get him to go outside and all hell breaks loose. I've had it. I tell him how I'm sick of him coming over here and using the kids as a vehicle to meet his means. How he has become my burden and it's not my job to raise a grown adult and provide for him. I'm tired of him eating my food, without asking and acting like my home is his, especially when he contributes nothing to it. How he shouldn't make plans with the children without asking me; especially ones that include and inconvenience to me. How he should visit when he can be alert and attentive to the children and quit acting like my home is his personal flop house. How he should fix his own damn problems and stop trying to rely on me... this of course was not received well and I was called everything but a migrant farm worker... small price to pay to have the truth out there, I suppose.
Everything I said went in one ear and out the next. When he came inside he was only there for a few minutes before he tells my 9 year old that he is going back outside to smoke and he will "probably be awhile" because he needs to "look for a part for his truck" - I could rip my hair out and I'm sure he don't understand why. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE VISITING WITH YOUR SON... look for fucking parts on your own time!
I'm starting to think that it is fruitless to try because all it ever seems that I am doing in regards to his visitation is damage control with my children.
