hoping it's enough, knowing it's not and praying like hell that it all works out

Life is hard, now I know, no one said it would be easy. I hear my child downstairs crying this morning and I ask him what is wrong. I know what is wrong. Stress has engulfed our lives and he's just a mixed up nine year old trying to sort through the wave of crap that has consumed us and I feel like a horrible Mother for not having the bandaid fix to make it all better instantly. I fight so hard to hide my hurt and despair for their sakes and I try to stay positive and have faith in the fact that doing good and putting good out there will yeild good results, but I am reminded quite often that no good deed goes unpunished.How do you look into your crying child's eyes, when all you have to offer is tired hurt eyes looking back at him telling him that you are doing the best that you can (hoping it's enough, knowing it's not and praying like hell that it all works out in the longrun).Divorce is hard. Even harder when your spouse was an abuser. Harder still when he makes it his mission to retain a hold on your life and make your situation as desperate as possible. I am fighting to flee the reach of his grasp and get back to a place where even if it is terrible to start over with nothing... at least it is a start. I am fighting to get back home, with no home even, just to put us in the center of friendly faces and leave behind the mountain of despair that he comfortably hangs over our shoulders.I try to look at things from his side, maybe I am a fool. I try to make some sense of the things that he is doing and the things that have transpired. I guess I think some how that if I can wrap my mind around it that I will be able to anticipate what is going to happen next... as you can imagine I am not having much luck anticipating the next blow. I feel much times like I am fighting a losing battle. I feel like a horrible Mother.. inadequate if you will and looking at their faces a million thoughts rush my mind about the up coming holidays and how empty and different they will be for us this year.I wish I could fast forward and see that it all turns out okay and hold that thought firmly in my mind. I wish that I could be stronger and that I had anyone that I could rely on to get us through.It's hard enough being a kid and how unfair it seems to me that they have to go through any of this. I have people (DV advocates) telling me that it is not my fault and I didn't ask for this, but I can't help feeling sometimes that I have no one to blame but myself. Poor choices have seemingly been my forte consistently over time. Equally as many people that are there to tell me wonderful things there are people  a plently that are none too hesitant to blame me for all of this. My husband's family, and my children's family on their father's side blame me totally. I should have never left ohio. I should have never gotten married. I should have suffered silently with our abuser and I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now. They are right, but then we might not be alive either and that's the hard cold reality of it. The life we are living now is no life.. well I can't really argue that logic; but I am trying to have hope.Words are powerful weapons. They stick with you. It's a kind of soul burn that is not so easliy healed. I've been a victim of words and unhealthy situations almost my entire life. I watched my Mother be abused and I always thought that was ending with me and I would not live the life my Mother had, but like her in so many ways I continually find myself in those shoes and with less grace I might add. I don't want that for my children. More than anything I want to take the necessary steps to prevent them from experiencing the hurt and disgrace that I know all to well. I want them to be empowered to find the happy healthy relationships that I have found myself searching for too many times and to be so strong in their conviction and values that they will never find themselves settling for anything less.I held my oldest son for about an hour this morning as he wept in my arms. Afraid to tell me that he was worried about losing things that mean something to him. Afraid to tell me that he's scared about facing the unknown. Frightened to share that change is something he is not comfortable with. He's 9 and shouldn't bear this burden, but he worries a lot like me. I had him at the doctor earlier this week as he was having troubles with his tummy and what it boils down to is stress. Stress is a monster illness, I know all to well as I watch my hair fall out in handfulls every day. There is no miracle cure for stress and worry. I guess it just has to run it's course. I try to comfort him, holding his hand in mine and stroking it gently offering comforting words in a calm tone and biting back tears as even I breathe the words to him that it is alright to cry. He feels alone. I can't help but feel like I am failing him. My shoulders feel weak and I want to break down too, but inside I feel like the only option I have is to try to be strong. I hear in the back of my mind my Mother's voice saying to me that if I am okay with it they will be okay and sometimes it's just better to fake it until you make it. Be strong ! So many people tell me that I am strong, but I am not really. I am good at putting on a smile face and trying to perpetuate a radiant happiness, i joke, i laugh; it all seems legit. but when I am alone - I break.I need help up. I feel largely like the last month or two has been spent resourcing as much as possible to try to find some sort of relief or aid from this circumstance. I was surprised to find that there are a wealth of organizations available to address the very issues that we are undergoing, but distressed to find that they are exhausted of funding in the county where I reside. More so than that that any orginization that  would potentially be able to provide aid here would only be able to be proactive about us staying here. New Jersey is a dead end street. The cost of living is extremely costly and I have no resources, family or even friends here. I'm told that a support system is extremely vital to rising like a phoenix from this incident and the only place I have that at all is in Ohio. I'm scared.I'm so scared I can't breathe sometimes.I just want everything to be okay. I'm doing everything I can and it doesn't even come close to feeling like enough. Go to a shelter in Ohio. Leave behind most of our memories and treasures. Risk losing  my children's pets. Begin again with nothing but each other. It sounds so simple - I assure you that it is not. I need a miracle...and i need it in less than a week. I need a hug, one of those squeeze you tight never let you go hugs... I barely remember having one it seems so long ago.I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only person that has been in an abusive relationship and lost everything trying to escape it. I am certain there are people that have had a worse go at it than I. Even as I sit here and write this in a feeble attempt to unburden my mind with the weight of these emotions I can hear the words that my husband's aunt wrote to me the day the police removed him from the home.. I am not supposed to tell anyone how I feel but rather keep it to myself, bearing my heart to people " is sick and a testament to your low self esteem and character! " I never responded to that and I probably never will as it would only incite her to further verbally bash me. It makes me not want to say anything to anyone and I find myself holding in more than I can hold. I don't want to be that person that everyone feels sorry for.. I just can't bear to hold in my hurt. Leaving is difficult under any circumstance. It's hard to love someone and have them hurt you. I changed so much and so rapidly that I barely even recognized myself when I looked in the mirror. I thought if I kept changing it would get better and be enough. People look into your life outwardly and they have a lot of "should have's" to offer you. You should have left when... you should have fought back... you should have never married him.. It's a good thing that I don't think about the should have's every day. What's that they say about hindsight being 20/20? Of course it is easy to look back now and see where there might have been a better option to prevent it from getting this out of hand. There are a ton of different things battling you when you are inside of that situation though... I felt frozen, powerless and worse obligation. I took the stuff that was dished out to me and set it aside arguing with myself that I was sacrificing my happiness for a better life for my children. I was so mixed up and confused in the wake of my Mother's passing that I can't even begin to rationalize how I made that be an okay thing in my mind. I wish someone could just open up my head and reprogram my head to think wiser.Sigh... back to packing.

My Breath, Your Lung

my breath, your lung 
My love,for thee 
is laden with a million perfumed kisses and drops of sunshine given perpetually to dew-dropped petals of the peril behind the very mist of your breath... I will adore you until death 
and through the depths of eternity seek out the raven earth dusted abyss that you've sunk yourself within or rather the world you value yourself beneath;
pity really
for me
I adore what you you abhor, detest, despise and I suffice yet and surmise and raise you on a pedestal high above all else
moreso than i value even myself
perhaps I am a glutton, greedily groping with scar soiled fingers of disdain to the sand of your soul slipping idly by through the groove of my grasp 
hoping to catch, coddle and keep within all that you seek to discard but I often hope you will give freely without inhibition, reserve or regard
you fit the curve that is me
the bend in the ribbon of eternity that shrouds the moment where we united and twined our souls like a tangled thicket of thistles flamed with the fire of a thousand nuclear missiles
and deep down it still sizzles when I sink into the molten pools of your eyes
and I exhale
if only to fill my lungs with your respiration and draw you into the depths of me 
so you can see; what it is I see and be filled wholly with the hope I clutch like a frightened child
Impaled on the hawthorne of your discontent, I flail and scream out I will repent though I know of no sin that I have committed greater than the love that I freely have given
and just when I reach my hand out and plead-there you are reaching also for me
and suddenly I cease to be and so do you cause we are we and no longer two
where once was you has melded and grew into something greater; more divine
forever transcending space and time
our destiny is looped in endless rhymes
wonderously weaving every instance of our existence into the fabric of our hearts
painting it with the blood of our struggles
adorning it with our tears
hemming it with our smiles and laughter
each sinew a second; in each day of the month of our years
seemingly infinite; and thus guarded and dear
you wished for me and I appeared
but with a whisper
it was gone and my eyes opened to the dawn.

Love

Everyone says that love is in the heart " my heart is full of love for you" " my heart is breaking" and although I agree that you can have an ache in your chest so profound that you feel as if life is surging or fleeting at that very moment I believe more so that love is a mental condition or state of mind.
Your brain is like a super computer of magnitudes that we will never fully comprehend. It is an untapped resource that if fully utilized could lift the veil of blindness that clouds our daily vision.

isotope separation

thanks for making me feel less
reminding me somehow that there's a need to distress
digressing into depressing delusions, driven to see past the illusions and diabolically demeaning definitions derived from your stereotypical conclusions about the outsides of a woman. 
you stole my ability to see beyond my imperfections, idolizing idiotic inconsequential portions of my identity only to secretly sequester the parts of me that fit the parts of you so profound and perfectly to their prolific perilous fate.. drowning beneath your disgust and disapproval, disguised in a devilish ruse to help you obtain and abuse the very treasures that trolled yet so well hidden inside of me.
you made me trust you and turn myself over, let go of my inhibitions when you didn't want to own them and leave me lay broken in the wake of your indifference and indecision
you slay me with precision
we are alike in many a measure, identical properties that perpetuate pleasure and pleasingly plot to unite us as one at least this is how the story begun. Brine-soaked bruise-filled ego dissipation derived from doting debauchery and dissertation of the inevitable isotopic separation of our kindred souls becoming soulless in selfish superficial isolation that you call a search for perfection
an atrociously perverse manifestation of malformed ideals defeating the droning desire to descend and devour the real and conquer the world as a whole and not lonely, you break and you own me and I am prey to your prowess, pity-filled and powerless to the searing sizzle of your smugness that smites the serendipitous sunshine that smiled once on my soul at the thought of you
and still I love you
for the you that i thought you were and know that you can be, bewildered i begrudge and start to smudge the line between the outside and the inside of me hoping to make them a blur and have you concur, I feel myself dying and I'll kill myself trying to produce the me that you'll be proud to parade around everywhere for the world to see... the perfect, pretty packaging that magnificently mirrors the truest reflection of the me on the inside... and completes your collection
you selfish self-centered ass

6-3-13

Pause.
Inhale deep.
It's all going to be okay.
How desperately I need to hear that sometimes. I feel like I have been drowning since my Mother died and all the subsequent things that have occurred since have only compounded my worry and beaten me down just that much more.
People say that you never realize how much someone means to you until they are gone - but I don't believe that. I knew how much she meant to me and sadly how emotionally dependent I was on her.
Can you measure life in kisses?
I think about how many times I kissed my Mother, or for that matter how many times she kissed me... I'm sad often that I can't recall more of them vividly.
I remember reading something once that told me that people used to believe that souls intermingled when people kissed one another, perhaps that was with lovers... I can't remember now but what a grand thought.
I think about all the kisses I have "wasted" and wonder how many more I have to give. Life is truly too short.
My youngest son talks about death a lot; he worries that I will leave him and he doesn't want me to go. To be so young and to have experienced so much loss it breaks me to the core. "I never want you to leave me Mama"... Oh baby, I never want to leave you either! I would love to look at him and tell him that I will grow very old and that I will be there for him for a very long time but no one really knows that and it's a lie I cannot bear to burden him with.
I know a lot about leaving.
It seems criminal to me at times to be alone. My minds swims with thought & worry about so many things and I need someone to share them with. My Mother was great at this...she Always knew just what to say and she was a good listener... I will probably never know that depth of love and compassion again in my life.
I get downtrodden because I believe that I am an inherently good person of moderate moral character and it ails me that I can't find that in someone else. Love. Acceptance. Tolerance. Patience... Okay I'll admit, I am not always the greatest with being patient, but I do try. I see these people that are so cut-throat and mean spirited dishing it out to people that are kind and I don't want to be the door mat... And I am sad for the people who are.
My intentions are always good. I think I am making the right choices and I have the best of intentions and somehow it ends up all screwed up and not at all how it was intended.
The last couple of years have been a whirlwind... Filled with loads of heartache and despair.... Honestly I am still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sad that my good intentions and desire for a happy life for me & the children let me be so misguided. What's worse my Mother knew and maybe it killed her that I would not heed her warning. How foolish I was to listen to the lies and miss out on my last chance to hold her.
How small I feel with my children. How insignificant in this world you feel.. So isolated and alone. I swear when I was driving the other day that I heard her shout to me... I must be losing my mind.

It is he.

It is he

the other me that gazes with gluttony into the glare of glorious adoration that fills the hallows of my eyes for him and overflows in sighs shaped like searing tears at the thought of never belonging to him wholly and devoted, undying and resounding the ever-pounding waves of unbridled love my heart sings for him like a silly serendipitous child belting out a round at their first recital

I am the title of the book that shook and plans to steal the heart that hides beneath the him that is real. I am the pages of the song he won't sing but that he whispers sometimes when he drifts off to sleep. I am the words that burn the pages of his fury the space in between when he begins to worry and the glue that binds it all together, I am the weather the storm the tsunami of desire that rages and burns and builds on his fire, I breathe sulfur-steamed sedation into his kiss and inhale the breath that he's lungs freely give ; just to feel him become a part of me.

I am the sorrowful sea siren swooping, soaring and sinking surely beneath the shallow grave of his indifference and the whore of his fear. Pleading... plotting...and playfully pretending to recite morose prose in proper and procured fashion perpetual play-actors of passion parading proudly my hearts dissatisfaction at the painful protraction of the circle we call trust.

I am in love and he calls it lust.

It is he

and it can be no other, no under, no over... I fall face first in the clover and find myself sinking into the dew drop dream of he and I trapped in a rhyme that froths furiously foamy fantastical fermented fronds of fevered felicity. I glitter and I glide into the crystal blue tide like a red ribbon waved through the sky streaming for all to see this love upon my sleeve.

It is he

and he knows it. he refuses to see or has turned a blind eye, built a barrier a fortress and burrowed beneath, swallowed the sweet sugary soothing seduction my ears curiously crave to hear crooning from the cynical twist in the curve of his kiss and I am lost without it. Like a beaming bold beacon enslaving my reason his eyes tell the story of his heart and I start to fall, to fade, to fall prey to the him that his logic denies.

It is he

i cannot deny.. he fills all my sighs and sets me to soar ever high and I sink only to sift through the ashes of his hesitation hoping to breathe life into the soot covered phoenix of his tattered heart and restore, renew, revitalize and ever immortalize in a glistening glaze of ecstasy and bountiful bliss the boy-like love he once had to give and bathe in the beautiful borrowed memory-filled moments that fate bestows us; knowing no one is promised a morrow and sorrow only over the time that keeps ticking and clicking away fore I sense it's urgency an impatience, it's insolence if you will.

I'm just a girl

a girl that knows

It is he

Your Kryptonite

man of steel

you make me swill

and soar and swoon

so intoxicating

words

enticing

and invigorating

making me moist and warm

so deep in thought

with a swarm of emotion

tempting you

to take a swim in my ocean

let me fuel your passion

make your fires burn

be the object of your fantasies

teach me

I can learn

let me be

the whispers in your ear

the sweat upon your skin

let me push you away a little

just to pull you close again

i wanna make you weak

make you lose control

bewitch your mind

and make you mine

even if it takes some time

don't ask me why

don't tell me no

don't try to fight

I wanna be your

kryptonite

Ode to Nothing

you are right
you are nothing
nothing shy of a filthy addiction that haunts and permeates the very depths of me
forcing me down into the depths of desolation when you are absent or perhaps even cold to the warmth that is our love
we fit like a glove
over 
under
twisting , turning, churning, yearning giving growing and knowing the dreamy high or your ecstasy
stolen like a thief and radiating from your shaking exposed guardless position
it is a mission
and intoxicating desire
a hungry aching urge
to merge
reunify

you are right
you are nothing
nothing less than a dream to behold
oh to watch you move
and light up a room
to speak with the rantings of a soul enraged by the ignorance and intolerance of world that has failed such a passionate soul
spiraling out of control yet calculated and smooth with the precision of a marksman

you are right
you are nothing
nothing but yet it seems
in a revelating indescribable epiphany of discovery 
you owned and consumed the being that was me 
crumbling walls and demolishing the telsa towers guarding my aching exposed heart
peering into it you see
that you were never really nothing
but more like everything to me.

Inferno

enslaved with desires
your wicked words
only tighten the shackles
imprisoned by the rush of devotion
your heart seeps into mine
and sequesters it's emotions
time slowly saunters
when I wish it to race
casting me into
the fire of your embrace
the balm of your kiss
and the sweet bliss
of your warm breath
upon my skin
the hunger of your touch
so anticipated
craving like a drug
the euphoric release
and sedation
the rise and the fall
of our sighs
till the morning
pheremones like dew
hang in the air
sweet like poison
seductive yet cruel
enticing us to embrace a pyre
exhausting our energies
now sunk into our desire
i crave you
and you crave me
breathe in this moment
let the flames burn higher
together we are an inferno
alone just a fire.

Beloved Imortally

I hide
hide behind my laughter
hide beneath my fears
far below my smile
and oceans amidst my tears
I see
see with the eyes of a mystic soul
beyond the stars and the moon
deep within a wounded heart
above the morality of religion
amongst the rebellion of a generation
I feel
feel the beat of your heart
the warmth of you breathe
the coolness of the breeze
the mist of the dawn
I touch
touch with the tenderness of an angel
with the softness of a flowers petal
with the curiosity of a child
with the care of a healer
I love
love with the heart of a dreamer
to the depths and heights of none before me
without knowledge of a beginning and end
without reserve
without disguise
I kiss
kiss with lips painted wine
the furrowed lashes of your brow
the buttery softness of your neck
the weathered hands you place in mine
I take
take the precious offer of your love
the leap into your arms
the fall from the heavens
the union of our souls
the heat of our blended desire
I bask in our bliss
and wallow in our adversity
I hunger for no other
and so willingly retreat within the safety of your fortress
I submit to the power of your will
and thus, rule with the patience of a mother
I devour all you teach to me
I forgive that which cannot be changed
I forget nothing that matters
I regret only that which causes you pain
Forever
and endlessly
beloved immortally

kreative kissable kissers

kissable kisses
and kissers alike
kreate krafty kisses
and kiss with delight
kiss with a smile
kiss in a pile
kiss all the while
and kiss while you wish
kiss with eyelashes
kiss on the lips
kiss with sunglasses
and make your hips switch
kiss when your krying
when your lying in green grass
and when your angry kiss my as
kiss with courage
kiss with pride
kiss with lovely lips painted like wine
kiss like kreative kissable kissers do
kiss me, and I'll kiss you
kiss me here
kiss me there
kiss me in the rain
or on a train
or in a plane
but never, never, make it plain
kiss me soft
or in a loft
kiss me high
kiss me low
kiss me with my hair in bows
kiss me sweetly
kiss me neat
kiss me beneath the sea
kiss me with your eyes shut tightly
kiss me slow try to delight me
kiss me fast
and first and last
in future and past
with my hand to grasp
where my necklace clasps
and while people applaud
kiss me
just kiss me
before all my kisses are gone.