Reflection

I hate looking back on the past and letting my mind run away with contemplation. I think that nearly everyone has moments where they consider the course of their lives and how they got to the point where they are currently, but I wish that I could just stop myself in my tracks sometimes. I have absorbed, essentially, many traits of people that have filled spaces in my life over the years and I have taken in to my habit scheme their fears, insecurities and inhibitions some how. It's odd how you can fight so hard to be your own person and stand on this firm ground only to find out somewhere along the lines that your rock was merely a shell filled with quicksand. I have always thought that I take the best away from people... That I discovered things in others that enriched me in ways or rounded out my personality in a sense and incorporated them into my life.. It seems however after some reflection that I have taken some bad with the good.
I find myself in a place mentally and emotionally that seems proverbially like a terminal gate at the airport... So many choices of a destination and although I have a clear mindset as to where I would like to end up, I am sitting before these gates, unclear as which to choose to get where I am going. In the real world.. You can easily ask for clear direction and you have at least a shot of getting the desired result, with minimal room for error. I wish it were so cut and dry when making life choices.
I am a worry wart... I always have been.. I most likely always will be. I can't turn my head off and I constantly think and find reason for concern in my life. I feel like I always have so much on my plate and I am pulled at the seems trying to meet all of my obligations and somewhere along the lines I am falling short... Or am I? It's hard to be a parent and know the right path to travel with your children. In addition to worrying about their safety and health, you have to wonder if you are doing the things that will enrich their lives in a positive manor and help them to make choices that will lead to the healthy productive filled with happiness that you wish for them. My Grandmother used to always assure me that that main objective was simply to do the best that you can do and put them first in your life whenever humanly possible. I feel like I do that.... In fact I feel like the greater portion of my goal set is derived from the things that I want to make happen for them or that I feel are necessary to help them grow into responsible adults... I think every parent wants the best for their kids, but it is easy for me to find fault in the way that things go. Sometimes it simply feels like I am beating my head against the wall and getting nowhere with them. They are so headstrong and set into the idea that they can pretend to not know what we have went over a million times and skate away Scott-free. I have to wonder at these times is they are playing dumb with me or if they just didn't pay attention at all... I hear selective hearing is quite common.
It's not just my kids... It is everything.. My family, my job, my health, my home, my relationship... So many factors figure into the whirlwind ransacking my brain. I find myself seeking approval from everyone and wanting to keep the peace and somehow getting lost in the midst. I hear a voice in my head saying "you can't please everyone"... And I feel myself responding sometimes... "I can try" - that can't be healthy - LOL
I took great notice yesterday in the middle of the day that I had taken into myself and seemingly altered my behaviors based on another's criticism of my some many years ago. I looked back to it and thought it odd that I remember fighting that comment so boldly when that person was in my life and seemingly defending my behaviors with rational, well thought out retort and justification... So why then after they were gone did I without notice or coherent thought change this behavior and conform to their criticism? It bothers me greatly that I didn't even notice that I had changed it. I can only conclude that words sit with people. You sink these things into yourself and digest them in such a way that even if you put them totally out of your mind they have a way of staining you and swaying the course of your life.
That worries me...
It causes me to reflect upon other actions in my life and give great scrutiny to my reasoning behind them... OMG do I even know who I am? LOL Once worse... What about the impact that I have on others? I mean I have said and done some pretty messed up shit in my life out of anger and intolerance for others. I admit, I generally try to retract my hate and indifference when my anger or hurt has subsided but I can be a real asshole when the opportunity presents its self. (I'm sorry)
I genuinely want to be a good person, a good mother, a great girlfriend, a model citizen, a treasured friend and heaven help me ... A loving & kind wife on day. I want to be employee of the month, woman of the year and featured business owner of the community. I want a verifiable obituary, filled with amazing truths about the goodness I gave the world and the people who I was lucky enough to have touch my life... It would be great to do all of that and have people actually miss me when that times comes. LOL
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'd have to say that road leads directly to my high-rise condo next to the lake of fire... See you there @ the end of days.

12-1-2010

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to do the right thing and be the best person that you can be, there is always someone waiting to kick you when you are down? It has been a consistent pattern in my life that whenever things are going well... they is always someone there to reap my rewards and put me back under and when I am already down on my luck there is someone who thinks it just isn't low enough and beats me down further. I could sit here for hours and go on about how pissed I am at my kids' father for not getting his shit together and being a dad or paying the tens of thousands of dollars that he owes me for child support... I could go on and on about all the worthless shits that called their selves my friend and asked me for help and though I gave it, they straight kicked me in the teeth and dipped without repaying me; the countless people with the "wimpy syndrome" that always want to borrow something today and promise to pay you back later - yet never do and are right there asking you for help again... It seems I am surrounded by people that want to stand on my shoulders just to watch me drown.. It's always been that way.. DAMN I GOTTA QUIT BEING A BLEEDING HEART!!!
I always thought that if you tried your best to help people in need when you are able that the "good karma" that you are putting out by doing so would come back to you. Yet, in reality it just leaves me with my face hanging out
Yesterday was such a humbling day for me in so many ways... more of a culmination of many events coming to a head. Several times now I have opened the doors of my home to people trying to be a helping hand to them and in turn get some financial relief from the economy that every one seems to be sinking in at the moment. Truth is... None of them realize just how expensive it is to keep them in your home... to feed them and provide for everything... UGH and cleaning up  after them.... frankly they don't give a shit even if they do know... and it is certain that is how they ended up in that situation to begin with. The few "friends" that I helped... well it all seemingly started with good intention and got to a point where it was best just to end it. The nearly 2K that I am out of pocket doesn't matter to them and they have not attempted to pay me a nickel of the money that they promised me. Despite all of that I decided to extend a hand to a family member and let her stay on three separate occasions... the first went off well.. and she paid me the rent that she promised... the second she lived off of us for a week or better and dipped paying us nothing... and the third and final time she burnt that bridge forever... promises, promises, promises... she is the queen of them... " let me smoke all of your cigarettes, I will replace them 10 fold when I get paid" (LIE), "let me eat all of your food... I will buy my own food when I get paid and pay you back for the food that I ate"(LIE), "drive me to work and anywhere else that I want to go... I promise that I will give you gas money", "Take care of my puppy... I will take care of yours when I am home" (yeah right), "let me get this cell phone from you now... I promise that I will pay you for it as soon as I get paid".... it goes on and on... End result she dipped to go back to her "boyfriend" that she cries verbally abuses her and that she plots to cheat on all of the time and gives us &60 and 4 packs of cigarettes and says I shouldn't have even done that? I mean seriously? She shows up demanding her things that we already told her that we were holding until she settled up with us and then refuses to pay us and calls the cops...... hahahhaha! The funniest part was watching the officer make hand gestures near his head... stating " that girl obviously has issues", even a stranger looking in could tell in a single moment that she had things all screwed up. The cop made her give the cell phone back and in return I gave her the belongings that she left here and wrote her off.. if she doesn't pay me back the money that she put me out then she will be a stranger to me. PERIOD
On top of everything else I took my son to the doctor yesterday and they end up sending us back to the other doctor... he has a lump on his neck again and as soon as they discover it - I am in tears... why does this keep coming back.. and I start to wonder if my insurance is good enough for them to really investigate it or am I failing my child some how and they will only stabilize the immediate concern and it will be a continual process to go through. If frustrates me to no end the lack of regard our nation holds for their brothers and sisters...they care more about filling their pockets then saving our nation with realistic results and they cry to us for more and more money that they spend  lining their own pockets... do you think a single one of them would take pay cuts to save families? They keep telling us to see the bigger picture... but in the end do they really even have a plan? Our country needs a serious overhaul.