When did people stop taking pride in themselves? When did we get so lost that the minimal effort is all anyone is willing to put forth? Does no one seriously take pride in doing their best at their job or striving to succeed any more?
I've always been one to take notice in the world around me. My mother used to say "you got to look beyond the end of your nose", my grandmother used to say " there's more than just your own back yard", the message is all the same. It's a big world out there and even if you choose to ignore it, it's still there so look at the big picture. I think that we have gotten so self consumed that we only see ourselves now. What's worse, we are raising a generation that is so short sighted, entitled and afraid of criticism that they hide away from the world. Instead of being out in the world and enjoying the differences of people they are busy sorting each other and demanding sameness.
Parenting is so lax, I can hardly believe some of the things that my sons friends are getting away with. No one home to enforce the rules. No one looking over their shoulder or guiding them to the right path and furthermore.. no one telling them that they HAVE to do anything.
The world is moving so fast on a crash course of devastation and no one can be bothered to look away from their screen long enough to see a solution. There is a problem with not taking any responsibility that is breeding an epidemic. Over sensitive, easily offended sheep leading more sheep and they are misinformed. It's okay to be different, but you can't demand that everyone accept that. Yes you have a right to not be mistreated, but saying that I don't understand or asking questions is not abuse or a violation of your rights. You've got to expect some weird looks or remarks when it's something new and different... and news flash people can act very ignorant, but one asshole doesn't speak for all of humanity.
It surprises me that a generation so consumed with labeling everything and tossing it into a category will stand on their proverbial soapbox to preach gender anonymity. Then, a lot of things surprise me.
Suicide is on the rise. Mass shootings in schools and public events are on the rise. Terrorism is permeating our culture and leaching into our schools. The weak are getting shepherded by a dangerous lot and swallowed up with iniquity and despair. Like insolent children they are begging for you to set a limitation and demand better of them and if you won't they just keep going until there is nothing left to destroy.
My eldest son complains all the time that I don't allow him to do things that other parents allow. He complains that he has guidelines and rules. That I have expectations and that I make demands. It's a hard road for me to walk because I want his love and praise... but even more than that I want him alive and to have a chance to make it if anything ever happened to me. I go to great lengths to communicate with his teachers and find it sad that I'm not even at the school and most times I can tell them more about what happened in their classroom then they can. There is no reason that a teacher should be leaving a room full of 30 teenagers to their own devices. It's my belief that the reason that the schools think there isn't a bullying problem is because they aren't looking beyond the end of their noses. This speaks back to people doing the bare minimum in their jobs.
Most schools aren't secure. Most schools don't monitor what kids are bringing into the schools. Drugs are infesting our schools and children are arming themselves with weapons and vengeance. They are hurt and they want to throw a fit like they see the generation before them all over television and internet... and people are dying. Children are dying.
There is simply no accountability. No enforcement of the rules. No standard that you can't slip beneath.
You have to start with yourself and with your children and stop being afraid to demand more from your peers and coworkers, from your community and blossom out from there. I'm not talking about your opinion of how things should be, but the hard cold factual rules and morality that once stood for something in our communities.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
2/13/2018
I think in order to feel successful every day, there needs to be a conscious effort to move more forward than you do back.
I can't be the only soul that constantly works to improve myself and my surroundings. I think that some times it seems fruitless or I just don't have the ability to make the changes that I want at the particular time; but eventually it all ends up how I want it.
I stood in my kitchen this evening and felt that satisfaction when I reached for something it was there. Exactly where I put it. Exactly where I needed it and it felt good to go through the motions of my evening without all the anxiety and stress. I can be a bit neurotic. Don't look at me like that is a bad thing! I get shit done!..... efficiently!
I feel like I have been in a whirl wind the past couple of weeks. The year is flying by already and I have been so busy that I can barely think straight some days. It doesn't leave me a lot of time to deal with other people's bullshit or maintain my friendships and I find myself thinking that I need to make a better effort to reach out to people and then I instantly think "fuck them!" I mean if they can't reach out to me why the hell should I always have to be the one licking everyone's royal asshole?!
People just don't treat others right anymore. Everyone is so self serving and rude and careless with the hearts of others that I can't help but be disgusted and want to be away from it.
This woman snatched my money from my hand the other day when I was buying my son a tea and it was all I could do not to blurt out that I wasn't the reason that she was making minimum wage at a shitty fast food spot. Instead I looked at my son and told him " this is why you HAVE to go to college"; he knew exactly what I was talking about.
Bad thing is... I don't really feel any disdain towards this woman and her poor life choices or hap hazard circumstances. I know nothing about her journey or where she is at - so later I feel bad, because I too have been victimized by other people's judgement for my hasty responses in the wake of a bad day. Not bad enough to go back and sympathize with her... but I spent entirely too long thinking about the circumstances that caused her to snatch my money... and hell... maybe she is just a cunt who snatches things! *sigh
I'm so busy during the day that I really don't mind being alone. I can move at my own pace and no one is bitching about me belting out my amazon playlist at the top of my lungs as I dance from room to room cleaning. It's when it gets to be this time of night that I really feel the pinch. I sit here like I am waiting for someone to walk through the door until I snap out of it.
The amount of stress in my life has been recently overwhelming - so I have been doing a bunch of deep cleaning and reorganizing. (Don't judge me) It's weird how everything being tidy and lemon scented can be sedating. I think it makes me miss my mom less. I've really been feeling her in the back of my mind lately. I wish she could just tell me what she needs to- I'd surely love to hear it. Oh what I wouldn't give to talk with her. I don't think it's ever really going to sit with me that she is gone.
Monday, February 12, 2018
Losing their father
It is truly defeating to see the spirit of a child break. Hope is abundant in them and they are always willing to look forward with it filling their hearts. I could always appreciate the brutal honesty and wonderment of a child. To say that I have enjoyed the journey of raising my boys would be an understatement. I love kids. They are amazing.
I am constantly working on myself and taking an inventory of all our happenings, in hopes that I can fine tune and better the version of Mom that I am giving them. I want to be the person that opens doors for them and makes opportunities. I want to guide rather than control and empower them to be the best versions of themselves every day. All the goodness in my life is wrapped up in the gleam of their eyes and I am the luckiest woman in the world when I think of it like that.
Sure there are ups and down. Beating yourself up, I think just seems to come with the territory. I obsess if I am doing enough or making the right decisions for their future. I plan, skimp, save and sacrifice my sleep and sanity. I cheer when I'm sick, when I'm tired and even when they are driving me crazy. I smile and make pancakes, because somebody has got to do it! Honestly, I wouldn't have it be anyone but me. I love them an immeasurable amount.
That's all normal right? What am I getting at you ask?
I know that I am not the only person that feels like this about their child and I know that it is the right way to feel. I am so lost to how people can NOT feel this for their children. How they can place themselves above them and hurt them without regard. Watching that light leave your child's eyes is so criminal... but then I guess you didn't have to see it did you?
I wished sometimes that I was never with their father. I mean what in the hell was I thinking? Surely it must have been one of those moments where there is a higher purpose at play. I had to suffer him to have them - it's how I know that they are destined for greatness.
He was 4 years my junior, but I wouldn't learn that until later. He was friends with my cousin, whom at the time I was really close with. He was shiftless and lazy, but I worked like crazy and kept odd hours and he was around. I could have walked away from him a million times; but I was in a dark place and didn't really care much about a lot of things. We were already separated when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest son. I didn't even want to tell him. I kicked myself a million times over for having done that; but if I hadn't - I wouldn't have my youngest son.
The kids were very small when I finally ended things for good. I was buried beneath the mountain of debt spawned from his addictions and ready to cut my losses. I think he was pissed that I didn't just out right fail. That I didn't need him and no matter how bad things were that I was a survivor and would never come crawling back to him. He's tried many times since then to find a way into my life and in the midst of rejection his offers of agenda based kindness turn into something for him to turn the tables and throw in my face. Isn't funny how people remember things to suit them sometimes? He definitely has a selective memory.
I have tried over the last 15 years to make reasonable opportunities for him with the children. I have hosted numerous events and allowed consistent invasions of my privacy and resources in an attempt to foster a positive parent relationship with him and the children. He eats my food, invites his family and manipulates every avenue that he can. He has stolen from my home, ran my bills up and demanded rewards for spending time with his children. Nothing is ever good enough and if I protest I am subject to his verbal abuse and ridicule.
He has taken recently to calling regularly on Sundays ( only since Christmas). These calls were supposed to be before 6pm and he often waits until 8 or 9pm to finally call. I think it's because he wants to make me look like the villain and the best way to do that is to call late so that I refuse the call and then he can play the victim and say that I am denying him his children.
Tuesday my oldest son turned 14. It was a big day for him and he had a lot of high hopes. I had been saving for months just to buy him the shoes that he wanted. He opted to stay home from school and we went to lunch together and out to buy the shoes that he wanted. He had thought that he would hear from his father seeing as his younger brother had reminded him on the Sunday prior that his brothers birthday was on Tuesday. It was nearly 9pm and the children were headed to bed when the phone rang. I showed it to my son and he said no. He was on his way to bed and felt very upset that he waited all day to call. His father protested and blamed me for his lack of preparedness, so when I let him know the next day was a snow day - my sons hopes were raised again. No call. More excuses. In fact the whole week passed and there was no call... until Sunday evening...late... and he spent almost 40 minutes talking to my youngest son and although his brothers birthday was mentioned several times he ended the call without so much as a happy birthday.
We called back.
Like a petty insolent child he blamed everyone but himself and literally told my son that it was his own fault that he didn't celebrate his birthday. Can you imagine? It must be terrible holding all that contempt for everyone else to simply shift blame from yourself. He did a bunch of screaming and name calling... and just like that he sealed his own fate. He lost them. He lost his ability to be anything to them. Love for a child should not have conditions. It should not cause pain. There has been 14 years of suffering... it's bittersweet.
I am constantly working on myself and taking an inventory of all our happenings, in hopes that I can fine tune and better the version of Mom that I am giving them. I want to be the person that opens doors for them and makes opportunities. I want to guide rather than control and empower them to be the best versions of themselves every day. All the goodness in my life is wrapped up in the gleam of their eyes and I am the luckiest woman in the world when I think of it like that.
Sure there are ups and down. Beating yourself up, I think just seems to come with the territory. I obsess if I am doing enough or making the right decisions for their future. I plan, skimp, save and sacrifice my sleep and sanity. I cheer when I'm sick, when I'm tired and even when they are driving me crazy. I smile and make pancakes, because somebody has got to do it! Honestly, I wouldn't have it be anyone but me. I love them an immeasurable amount.
That's all normal right? What am I getting at you ask?
I know that I am not the only person that feels like this about their child and I know that it is the right way to feel. I am so lost to how people can NOT feel this for their children. How they can place themselves above them and hurt them without regard. Watching that light leave your child's eyes is so criminal... but then I guess you didn't have to see it did you?
I wished sometimes that I was never with their father. I mean what in the hell was I thinking? Surely it must have been one of those moments where there is a higher purpose at play. I had to suffer him to have them - it's how I know that they are destined for greatness.
He was 4 years my junior, but I wouldn't learn that until later. He was friends with my cousin, whom at the time I was really close with. He was shiftless and lazy, but I worked like crazy and kept odd hours and he was around. I could have walked away from him a million times; but I was in a dark place and didn't really care much about a lot of things. We were already separated when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest son. I didn't even want to tell him. I kicked myself a million times over for having done that; but if I hadn't - I wouldn't have my youngest son.
The kids were very small when I finally ended things for good. I was buried beneath the mountain of debt spawned from his addictions and ready to cut my losses. I think he was pissed that I didn't just out right fail. That I didn't need him and no matter how bad things were that I was a survivor and would never come crawling back to him. He's tried many times since then to find a way into my life and in the midst of rejection his offers of agenda based kindness turn into something for him to turn the tables and throw in my face. Isn't funny how people remember things to suit them sometimes? He definitely has a selective memory.
I have tried over the last 15 years to make reasonable opportunities for him with the children. I have hosted numerous events and allowed consistent invasions of my privacy and resources in an attempt to foster a positive parent relationship with him and the children. He eats my food, invites his family and manipulates every avenue that he can. He has stolen from my home, ran my bills up and demanded rewards for spending time with his children. Nothing is ever good enough and if I protest I am subject to his verbal abuse and ridicule.
He has taken recently to calling regularly on Sundays ( only since Christmas). These calls were supposed to be before 6pm and he often waits until 8 or 9pm to finally call. I think it's because he wants to make me look like the villain and the best way to do that is to call late so that I refuse the call and then he can play the victim and say that I am denying him his children.
Tuesday my oldest son turned 14. It was a big day for him and he had a lot of high hopes. I had been saving for months just to buy him the shoes that he wanted. He opted to stay home from school and we went to lunch together and out to buy the shoes that he wanted. He had thought that he would hear from his father seeing as his younger brother had reminded him on the Sunday prior that his brothers birthday was on Tuesday. It was nearly 9pm and the children were headed to bed when the phone rang. I showed it to my son and he said no. He was on his way to bed and felt very upset that he waited all day to call. His father protested and blamed me for his lack of preparedness, so when I let him know the next day was a snow day - my sons hopes were raised again. No call. More excuses. In fact the whole week passed and there was no call... until Sunday evening...late... and he spent almost 40 minutes talking to my youngest son and although his brothers birthday was mentioned several times he ended the call without so much as a happy birthday.
We called back.
Like a petty insolent child he blamed everyone but himself and literally told my son that it was his own fault that he didn't celebrate his birthday. Can you imagine? It must be terrible holding all that contempt for everyone else to simply shift blame from yourself. He did a bunch of screaming and name calling... and just like that he sealed his own fate. He lost them. He lost his ability to be anything to them. Love for a child should not have conditions. It should not cause pain. There has been 14 years of suffering... it's bittersweet.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
2/8/18 Wrestling banquet
It's hard to believe it's been a year since I was at this banquet. For two years my son has had the same two wrestling coaches and even this year they are his teachers for classes as well. It would be an understatement to stay that he is attached to these two men. They have been like fathers or big brothers to him and my heart broke to see him cry at the thought of not seeing them every day after this year is concluded. I am hoping that his coaches next year are of the same caliber and give him even more reason to build positive, trusting male bonded relationships... despite the lack of fortitude in that department from his absent father.
It was a cold and blustery evening - but it warmed my heart to see the team get their awards and reap their praise for their efforts this season. To see the beam of happiness across my sons face as he sits with his friends and I wonder where the time has gone. Took a wonderful snapshot of him with his coaches at the conclusion of the event and I do believe it was the first wholly genuine smile for a photograph I have seen come from my son in the longest time. I think I will get it printed out and frame it for him.
It was a good day.
I don't get many of those... so I'm going to cherish it!
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
2/7/18
There is something oddly satisfying about having the kitchen completely clean before I go to bed. If it were up to me it would be the entire house; but it just hasn't been that type of day... hell it hasn't been that type of week.
I've felt a little pulled apart heading through this week with a hefty agenda that requires marksmen execution - but it's over halfway through and I am plucking right along.
Any other week I would have welcomed a distraction; begged for some dramatics to bust off the monotony... but it of course chose to hit me like a tidal wave THIS week instead.
I've always prided myself of those weird string of events happening that no one would believe unless they were right there and witnessed it themselves ... but even after years of these instances, I am still quite uncertain as to why they happen.
An ex-boyfriend popped up this week out of the blue and messaged me on social media. He produced the familiar repertoire that I have had dealt to me many times before by others that I have cast from my life. Long story short, he found himself among iniquity... a low point in life that caused him to reflect and he felt regret and somehow prized me above the others. Professing apologies that absolved me of any prior stain he had claimed to my character and thinking himself to be nonchalantly tip toeing his way back into my graces. (sigh)
On one hand it's wonderful to have the vindication; but I've never really been the one to drift backwards. I listen to his story and I feel bad. There's a tired look about him now... older... worn... defeated... tired and I try to search beneath it for the him that I knew... it's not hard to find the things that I didn't like about him looming beneath the surface.... fighting to show their face. Still I can't want bad for him. I extend my forgiveness, because it's the right thing to do and I am all about having peace... but Part of me worries that it will end up being a thing that brings me grief if I'm not careful.
My oldest son turned 14 this week and for the first time that I can recall I let him stay home from school on his birthday. It was nice to spend the day with him and see him relax a bit and be so carefree. We joked and laughed and i got to see his smile a lot. We had a nice lunch together at Bravo and I took him to buy the sneakers that he's been wanting. (Labron 15's in Cavs colors). We closed his birthday out tonight with a homemade lemon pudding cake with lemon buttercream frosting (his request) and some oreo ice cream. Tomorrow we will celebrate his triumphs for the wrestling season and I will sit her and wish he was small again - so we could do it all over. He will never really know the infinite love that I have for him.
More winter snow although I keep hoping for spring. I'm interested to see if the children have school tomorrow.
I've felt a little pulled apart heading through this week with a hefty agenda that requires marksmen execution - but it's over halfway through and I am plucking right along.
Any other week I would have welcomed a distraction; begged for some dramatics to bust off the monotony... but it of course chose to hit me like a tidal wave THIS week instead.
I've always prided myself of those weird string of events happening that no one would believe unless they were right there and witnessed it themselves ... but even after years of these instances, I am still quite uncertain as to why they happen.
An ex-boyfriend popped up this week out of the blue and messaged me on social media. He produced the familiar repertoire that I have had dealt to me many times before by others that I have cast from my life. Long story short, he found himself among iniquity... a low point in life that caused him to reflect and he felt regret and somehow prized me above the others. Professing apologies that absolved me of any prior stain he had claimed to my character and thinking himself to be nonchalantly tip toeing his way back into my graces. (sigh)
On one hand it's wonderful to have the vindication; but I've never really been the one to drift backwards. I listen to his story and I feel bad. There's a tired look about him now... older... worn... defeated... tired and I try to search beneath it for the him that I knew... it's not hard to find the things that I didn't like about him looming beneath the surface.... fighting to show their face. Still I can't want bad for him. I extend my forgiveness, because it's the right thing to do and I am all about having peace... but Part of me worries that it will end up being a thing that brings me grief if I'm not careful.
My oldest son turned 14 this week and for the first time that I can recall I let him stay home from school on his birthday. It was nice to spend the day with him and see him relax a bit and be so carefree. We joked and laughed and i got to see his smile a lot. We had a nice lunch together at Bravo and I took him to buy the sneakers that he's been wanting. (Labron 15's in Cavs colors). We closed his birthday out tonight with a homemade lemon pudding cake with lemon buttercream frosting (his request) and some oreo ice cream. Tomorrow we will celebrate his triumphs for the wrestling season and I will sit her and wish he was small again - so we could do it all over. He will never really know the infinite love that I have for him.
More winter snow although I keep hoping for spring. I'm interested to see if the children have school tomorrow.
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