Interiors & Exteriors

When you hold the heart of a man in your hands you can feel the depths of his soul. When he comes to you a little broken and somewhat exposed, with the underbelly of his tough exterior open, seemingly laying his head upon your shoulder and aching for you to balm his burn, you then begin to know the realness that is him. You see past the he that he shows the masses and now have the him that has room for you.
I have a weakness for this man. The man that is strong and confident and secure, but beneath can bare and be broken and needs my care. I have the words to console an aching heart. I have the love and tenderness and need to nurture and protect those that fill my heart.
I fall and fade and slip into a being fast and without caution. How can my hopelessly romantic and empathetic heart not fill up with someone that is all things me?
I too have an exterior and interior me. The me the masses see may be so far different from the real me that you may be confused at some point and think me to live in duality. Don't get me wrong - you really do get what you see here, but the depths are so much more and almost a treasure, because they are so well guarded.
I believe I seek that out in someone too. I want to and can relate to someone who is both strong and weak. Someone who embraces not only their joys but will wear their sadness and hurt for you.
You come to me with this hurt in your heart, this doubt, this question and I want to scoop you up and cradle you in my care. I guess it's the mother spirit in me. I want to run to you and take your pain away, and in an instant almost, my need for you grows and intensifies.
Coming to know someone takes time. People constantly evolve and some wear many masks to protect the inner being that is the lifeblood fuel for their truest id. The id is the them that you want and the only them that will feed the ravenous hunger for love's fulfillment. when they shed the shell and you see it, you know in an instant if they fit in your world and if they do they instantly burn and bury a care for them in your heart that is somewhat like an infection, repeated exposure to the id can easily overtake even the best defenses.
When I want something, I put my whole heart towards it, and it almost becomes a goal in a sense. I feel that I have so much to offer as a person on the many levels of relationship and interaction. If your intentions and deepest desires mesh with mine you will never know a love with more intensity, passion or bliss. You will never meet a truer friend or more fierce adversary. I put all of me into everything that I do and you truthfully getting my best at all times.
I have spotted you and set my sights. Stay steady in the you that I am knowing, help me keep this shimmer in my eye and this skip in my step. I'll keep dreaming of the you I am racing towards.

ATT SUCKS, Save Yourself

 Friday, June 08, 2007
 

AT&T SUCKS!...Save yourselves!
Current mood: pissed the fuck off!
Category: pissed the fuck off! Writing and Poetry

I am so freaking pissed off right now! I switched my service back to ATT and I am having nothing but problems! Yesterday sometime long about noon my phone just stopped working...yes, the bill is paid and yes the fucking thing is plugged in. I had to go to my uncle's house to call the phone company because I couldn't access the website to report the problem...and yes..my DSL was working...WEIRD!

When I call in, I am automatically transferred to collections, when she soon discovers that my actually bill IS paid, and she is only seeing these stinking cramming charges that are in dispute.  What are cramming charges you ask.  Well that is when dumb asses like me are bored and fill out those stupid surveys online that promise a cool reward, like a gift card to Macy's or something stupid. Now we all know you don't get something for nothing, but in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep and I am bored out of my gourd because all you fuckers are sleeping...it seemed like the thing to do. Anyhow, there are companies that attach themselves to those sites and thus charge your local telephone company charges on your pone bill for services you DON'T need and DIDN'T ask for. When it was all said and done, 3 different companies had billed me for 3 different services (none of which I knew about because they were sent to my spam folder) for a whopping total of 202$..bullshit huh?! The Lady at ATT tells me "you should have gotten a cramming block, it is free" to which I replied "well, hmm.. if you fuckers would have told me about it then I would have! I never knew such a thing existed." SO GET A FUCKING CRAMMING BLOCK SO THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the issue at hand.... I got transferred from collections lady to three different automated servers and then operators and when they went to transfer me for the 4th and supposed final time, my drunk uncle starts talking to me and I push the wrong fucking button, so I had to hang up and start over. FUCKING AUTOMATED BULLSHIT! ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!! Well I finally get an operator who listens to my problem and guess what transfers me to a Fucking automated report line...who then responds and tells me it will be fixed by the end of the day (the next business day)..PISS ME OFF!

I have a fucking business to run.. I can't be without my phone! and for that matter.. WHY did the live person who could have taken my complaint transfer me to a fucking computer? I'll tell you why because those fuckers know that they are offering sub-rate service and they don't want to answer any questions. It's their way of telling you that we'll fix it when we fucking feel like it...now bend over and let me stick my foot up your ass!...and hell, they are not even giving me a guarantee of when it will be repaired or if it will cost me anything (IT BETTER NOT COST ANYTHING OR I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF!) at least most other companies give you a smaller window of time..which still fucking sucks.

So one, I can't get any work done today. NO PHONE = NO WORK

Two, I can't sit around in my panties all day. BECAUSE THE REPAIR PERSON COULD BE HERE LORD KNOWS WHEN.

Three, I am chained to my house all fucking day. SAME REASON AS ITEM TWO.

They wonder why people go postal and want to take them on...but they fuck with your lives every chance they get...and the truth of the matter is that I probably don't have phone service right now because Joe-Bob repair guy was probably getting a blow job from the House of Delight instead of fixing my shit!

GRRRR!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ATT!

It never ceases to amaze me how people can find it so easy to do you wrong when even you are trying your very best to safeguard their emotions even though you want to so badly just let them fall flat on their face and suffer for all the wrong that they have done to you.
Men, I will never understand the ones that enter into relationships without honesty in their heart, the ones that want to make the relationship a journey of agonizing discovery. They sit there and tell you how great you are and how you are everything that they want and then they are constantly trying to second guess you in a way by talking to other girls - you hear the lies spewing forth from their lips like a poison fog and you want to disbelieve what your heart and head makes painfully obvious - so you wait and when the proof comes you are crushed just like you knew you would be; but it is undeniable and right there in your face.
But the worst of it all is now that you know they fucked up and you are walking away they continually try to pull you back and their offensive is a GUILT TRIP. Avocation that you never wanted , but that is completely bought and paid for and if you have any heart at all and or any love for this person ever it simply rips your beating heart from your chest - but it really seems so pathetic now that your feelings are dwindling that they would even try to pull you back in with some stupid bullshit.
The men in my life seem to be famous, if not infamous for this shit and I am continually getting my feelings trampled on in that respect. I am seriously ready to go on a rampage sometimes and commit serial menocide. fuck em - kill them all.
It makes me really sad, as I sit here, a single mother of two boys. I fear what they will grow up to become. I try to raise them the best that I can, but what if it goes deeper than upbringing? I mean I have some control over what they are molded into before they are introduced to society but what after the ills of the world consume them and start to ebb away at the precious angels I gave birth to?
It leaves me with a sense of desperation - as if it is all out of my hands somehow and then what will I do - I feel like I would hurt them if I ever seen them do the things that I have experienced in some of my relationships.
I keep hearing that there are good guys out there, and I hopefully will get to believe that someday... it takes a lot of consistency to prove this point to me and to date no one has been able to go the extra mile...maybe it is me?
Who Fucking knows? I know that life is always as it should be and there is really nothing that you can do but to slide with the rotation of the planet and hold on - hoping for the best. I mean I believe that you can be proactive and that your decisions mold the outcome and course of your life somehow - but that it is all kind of already decided and predestined. I must have been a real ass in my lives prior and be paying for it in this life.
The very worst of it all is that I am a very emotional person and I never want to hurt anyone. I guess in a sense I seek out wounded souls, I want to and have to fix them? (oh gawd, do i have issues or what?) I mean is it like if I fix them then I can right all the wrongs in my own life. The layers beneath filled with all the swirling emotions of a tattered heart? But you see these wounded people are unstable in a sense and so when it all falls apart they get all emo and so I worry. I am fighting that now and trying hard to be strong about it. To hold on to the people and things in my life that are good and that make me happy, instead of falling prey to the bleeding heart assholes that already tossed my heart in the dirt.
But I can never explain it, people don't ever want to let go of me. They fight so hard to get me and when they have me they don't want me and when they lose me then they fight to hold on. Makes no sense to me at all. can't I ever just have it the way that it is supposed to be?
All I really want is someone that can accept me for who I am and be with me for all the right reasons and none of the wrong ones and be who they say they are and really mean all that they bring to my life with their whole heart. I want them to be everything for me that I am for them or at least try their very best to be. If I could get that, I would hold on forever and never let it go, and maybe, just maybe for once be truly happy and totally light-hearted, with no regrets or reservations.
Maybe that is closer than I think. I can only hope. I can only take it as it comes and see and slowly fade the drama of they exes into the background and focus on the foreground.
ENOUGH OF MY COMPLAINING - for now

FU_Public Service Anouncement

First..... before I forget a message to all the guys out there...YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL! - I noticed that a fair amount of guys like to post comments on my page that have some barely dressed playgirl model in it - the guy posting it however looks noting like the guy in the comment.  You should know that I think this is uber ghey! I mean you actually took the time to look through hundreds of comments and what were you thinking???.... "yea, he's hot!... I'll send her that one!" (GHEY). Well I like realness and if I want to look at a half naked model - I can search porn on my own thank you very much - so unless you are actually a "beefeater", "plum-smuggler" ...or whatever analogy you want to use.... then you'd be better off posting me a photo comment that included a photo of yourself - if you really want to impress me then MAKE ME A SALUTE.
Okay, now onto the rest of you fucktards.... I can really do without the give me something for nothing attitude that some of you have - "gimme your yahoo", "rate all my pictures", ...ect., OHHHHHH....., and especially the ones that say "I rated your stuff now come rate mine" FUCK YOU!!!!! If I didn't ask you to do it then BACK THE FUCK OFF - Don't do something for me because you want something in return.... if you want to barter with me do it before you go thru all the bullshit and don't lay a guilt trip on me - I am a busy person and I really don't give a shit - I will block you if you annoy me.
Moving on....... Lounge Managers,,DJ's and lounge staff in general....YOU....(not all of you).. are lazy dim-witted assbags! Lounge managers do sooo much for the lounges - but are really kind of a joke when all the fucktards in the lounge feel like they have a personal report with the owner and they supersede the chain of command and go directly to the owner with all their petty bullshit.... uh hello... that IS what the lounge manager is there to do... stop drooling over the owner, suck it up... and take your petty ass shit to the managers - if THEY think it is important or don't resolve your problem then the owner will be contacted! UGH!!!!!!! WTF is up with DJ's??? some of you miss your shifts... fall asleep on shift.. and it's really pathetic.. especially when I can look back and remember how geared up you once were about being on air and doing a show. I mean whatever... if you need to sleep - than by all means sleep... but cue up some music and set a god damn alarm so you can hand off when the next shift is up, FURTHERMORE , no calls and no shows for your shift is lame! - unless it is a life and death situation - you could at least send an im or make a call - if you don't have the numbers ask you can get them I am sure....WAIT, FUCK THAT MY phone RINGS ENOUGH! - CALL THE FUKKING MANAGERS.
OH.........another thing... LOUNGE CAM WHORES.. I hate you! - i mean it is nice to get someone up on cam - but do we need to make a fucking schedule for that too? It's pretty bad when the owner of the lounge can't even get on cam because every time it opens so hobag that is on there every fucking day jumps on... and what happened to the asking rule? and the half hour limit if there were other people that wanted it? - the funny thing is that even some of the people that made the fucking rules break them. Everyone thinks that they are the exception to something - shit, I know.... don't go there - I am guilty of it too.
Last but not least... to all the emo ghey-wads that are so unhappy with their lives that they have to get into my life....FUCK YOU!!! - you are hallow, pathetic and insignificant to me - i hope you die... GROW UP.
So that's it for now folks.... BE YOURSELF!, IMITATION IS SUICIDE.....
<a href="http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa302/jenstheshit_fosho/?action=view&current=sureanemofag.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa302/jenstheshit_fosho/sureanemofag.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>

Fu-World filled with BS

I must say that time and time again I realize the level of insanity that can be achieved by living a life of ne sort on FUBAR or spanning the fu-world into the real existence that you know - I have seen more bullshit on this site than I ever thought possible - seems there is always someone clawing and tearing away at the shards I hold onto and try to keep for my own - and I fall into the sin-filled pit of gluttony, greed, envy, wrath and dire disgust for ppl I once considered friend - for I am all to often exposed to what they think is their secret side - the WHORE-orfying display of drunken cam sessions, the endless EMERGENCY calls; the feeble attempts to PWN me with lame commentary or obviously desperate conversation   and the fakeness of the internet that is lulled into a false reality of acceptance and love. WHAT A MESS.
I think the O'JAys said it best "....they smile in your face...all the time wanting to take your place...BACK STABBERS" I see you motherfukkers - I have spied your game and I am on to you - I am not stupid or blind though I am sure that you think that I am - and may i warn...... that which I hold dear IS MINE - cross the line and I will fucking DESTROY you, MUTILATE even, and I am not anything less then 1000% serious. I would rather feel vindicated and lose everything in the process - then roll over and let someone/anyone waltz in my life and covet, pillage or taint my world.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... fuck you whores - don't smile in my face and call me friend - don't kiss my ass and sneak behind my back - you are strolling in the danger zone and I shit you not you will regret it wholly.
Ask anyone that knows me - i mean REALLY knows me - I can be your best friend or your worst enemy - and when you have crossed the line of what I hold acceptable - then I can be the meanest, cold-hearted bitch you'll ever know.
I hope you all die, horrible, painful, slow & malicious deaths: I hope you get what your after - and it stings you with the pain of a zillion red hot pokers in your tired used up twats - that you pass around like you have taken up fu-prostitution.
I laugh at you - you are pathetic & weak-minded - your tired wasted lives are exposed and i see you for what you really are - STAY AWAY FROM ME.
CONTINUE TO DIG IN MY POCKETS - & I"LL CRUSH YOU AND TOSS YOUR DISEASED ASHES TO THE WIND.
You and all your down-rating, snide photo-commenting asses can just stay away from me and my profile - I WILL BLOCK YOU.
The comedy of it all is that you actually believe the shit that you are told on the net and the phone - the hilarity of it all is the hollowness you must feel now because I really know and charade is merely that.
I see what you think I don't - I hear what you think I won't - I see your game and it's weak - I plot your demise and I WILL outwit you.
GET A REAL LIFE - OR I WILL EXPOSE YOU ALL FOR THE  MISERABLE, PATHETIC  FOOLS THAT YOU ARE _ IN A BLAZING - UNMISTAKABLE - UNDENIABLE - TERRORIZING AND BRUTAL DISPLAY OF TASTELESSNESS - THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GET MY IP BANNED PERMANENTLY FROM FUBAR.
Sooooooooooo tempting even as the moments pass.
Hate on bitches - your time is coming!
THE GLOVES ARE COMING OFF!

Don't Let Them Own You

Sometimes I just get so fed up with all of the whining that happens in the world. It seems like everyone has something to complain about and they are definitely not being quiet about it. Their job sucks, their life sucks, they need money, you get the idea.

No one said that life was easy and if you haven't figured it out yet, nothing in life is handed to you. You have to work and work hard to make your life what you want it to be. Now we are all guilty of this to a certain extent; yes; I too have wallowed in self pity and cried about things that I should have just sucked up and dealt with. My constant wake up call is that someone is always going through something worse..so when you think you got it bad just pause for a moment and look around.  I am reminded of and old saying that I heard once "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet"

Point is, that you can't walk around the world feeling sorry for yourself or expecting others to take pity on you and do it for you.  I actually know people who expect everything handed to them, it wouldn't matter if they had all the luck in the world, they still leave all the hard work up to everyone else. They live this fancy free life with no worries because they know no matter how hard it gets that people will pull together and bail them out. (must be nice). But what if we just cut them off and make them do it themselves? Would they really sink into oblivion without us? Doubtful, it is an instinct that we are born with to press on and fight for our survival.

I know you all have heard it "that which does not kill us makes us stronger"... now I am realistic and I know that it is hard to believe when you are going through it, but look back at all the adversity that you have ever had in your life and think about how horrible it was then and know that you are still alive and probably smarter and stronger for having survived that.

I wish that I could go around the world and relieve people of this hang up they have with troubles and how they deal with them. I am happy to be able to help by letting someone vent, but I cannot solve your problems for you. Only YOU can do that. ..and is it wrong to expect that if I am willing to listen to your problems that I should expect you to attentively listen to mine? Isn't that what friendship is all about?

Bottom line: We all have or problems. Don't let them own you.

Deadbeat Dad's suck!

It never ceases to amaze me, the multitudes of deadbeat parents in the world today, oh you know the self-righteous fuckheads that roam the planet thinking that they piss ass pocket change they are required to pay for support of their children is the equivalent of cutting off a testicle. Worse yet they delight in the fact that they find ways around paying it..grr
My kids' father is a fucking jackass!! i dream about mutilating him and things much worse he makes me so raving mad. He is a degenerate and should be extinguished from the planet! FUCKING LOSER!
He stayed with my children today so that I could run some necessary errands and had the nerve to ask me for gas money, ugh... I gave him five dollars reluctantly and he complained and told me that I was 40$ short - I am like are u fucking smoking crack? I am gonna give you $45 for gas and spending time with your children when I haven't recieved more than 5$ of child support in the last two or three months? I seriously wanted to slay him at that very moment.
This jerk shouldn't even be allowed to suck air from the same planet as me - yet he musters the breath to say to me some of the most awefull things that I have ever heard. He demeans me as a parent and as a human in general - he trashes my house and expect me to clean up after him and feed him and now fucking pay him? for what??? OMG I fucking hate him!!!!!!!!
I get so angry that I can't even hear but every few words through the raging thoughts of decapatation that swarm my mind - I want to cut his head from his shoulders with a goddamn butter knife - but that would be even more of a mess to clean up -
I have been gone for most of the afternoon today and it looks like there was a fucking party in my house - how the fuck does he dirty ALL of the dishes and ransack the house in such a short amout of time
I am going out of my mind
He wouldn't do this shit to me if there was someone else here - but he knows it is just me and he presses the limits.
For every mess that I clean up, for every word that he said that replays in my mind - a furious rage and unbridled wrath permeates my entire being. I tell him to leave and never come back here - then flashes the tears in my children's eyes.. they love his dumb, inconsistent ass and I fear more than anything that they are going to grow up to be like him  - if I don't find a positive role model for them to emulate soon. It is a desperate and hopeless feeling doing this all by myself each day everyday and having no one to lean on when times get tough
What is wrong with me - I begin to find myself listening to the things that he says about me and believing some of them. I find myself seeking all too often validation from everyone that those things are not true, that I am a good mother, and I am smart and nice and wholly good, that I DO matter, and I am not ugly... how can i listen to him and why does it bother me these things that he says?
ARGHHHHHH!!!

Cruel World

the world is a cruel and unforgiving place somtimes...no one can truely know the way that things will work out and why...you live each day thinking that you are moving in the right direction, making the right decisions....but are you really?

When I look back on my life I think "What the FUCK!" What was I thinking, how did I rationalize all of that? But I cannot be totally amiss, because my yesterdays are most likely the reason that I have my todays.

I think that my biggest sin is that I would have the whole world waiting for me, I never am able to grasp how the people in my life seem to be able to move on after we are through... I guess sometimes I just want to world to stop, because in my heart I think that they should always be right there waiting...alone, sad and barren without me.. Seems crazy to say it out loud but it is true, I am SELFISH.

I have so many happinesses in my life, I am an accomplished poet, I am GREAT at anything to do with art or creativity....and mostly I am a great mother. But my life is not what I want it to be, or so I say, but I always think about that greener grass- would I really want it if I had it?

could I REALLY ever be happy? is this as good as it gets? and what if it is.

Blessed be the people in my life who don't run away screaming... I'm sure sometimes they want to...but they stay anyway...perhaps they are gluttons for punishment or maybe they are Angels and I just don't deserve them.

I complain about what they put me through but I never want to look in the 2 sided mirror.

Don't get me wrong I am a good person, and I can be a good friend. I have a good heart just sometimes I let it run out of control....

CRAZY huh?

Broken

I often have it recanted to me how full and complete my life should be with my children in it, yet I perpetually find myself in a position to fill this gaping hole in my heart with someone for myself. I do have my children’s best interest at heart, and they do come first and foremost in my life—but selfishly I want more than that. I feel so badly sometimes and like I am a bad parent or something because I secretly find myself regretting that I have to take full responsibility for them and that it often pushes people from my life who seem to fit with ME somehow. I cannot change who I am and I cannot change how I feel. I seemingly am forever doomed to be this bleeding heart romantic in search of the ying to my yang? - lol—that sounds funny to even say it.
I forever find myself in a situation where I am trying to uplift someone and mend their woes and in the midst of all of it I find myself hopeless attached and bound to them—this usually results in me getting my heart broke.
I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean—it always amazes me that I haven’t run out of them yet.
I want to be a good person, I really do; but I find in my heart that I am never really good enough, and so I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do people delight in the thought of being with me, but when they are there in reality it all seems to fall apart? Why can’t it ever stay constant and good? Am I foolish to want and dream of someone that could be only mine? Someone who is logical, responsible, adorably sweet and wants to brighten all the dark skies in my world, someone who wants to lift me up as well and not just stand on my shoulders, someone who gets me—I mean really gets me and we make sense to one another—I am fighting a losing battle I think.
I am always meeting the right people I think at the wrong time in our lives. I lived way too much life way too soon and I am done with all the things that most people my age are still battling with. Plus, I am a single mother and so once my children came it changed a lot of things for me. I HAVE to be responsible and I constantly have to advocate on my kids’ behalf, because if I don’t—who will?
I am sad.
When I feel all down like this, I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I don’t want to be here talking to you, but it seems at the moment that this is the only real place where I can pour out my heart and it doesn’t seem to matter. I had planned on leaving fubar, and I think that still might be a very good idea, however now it places me at a crossroads, because someone who is very near and dear to me, will be utterly impossible for me to keep in contact with outside of here. STRESS—it is a huge contributing factor to the ills in my personal life, well that and people on the net not being able to separate fantasy from reality and just simply being too damn nosey about my personal life. DRAMA…. It seems that some of you asshats can never have enough of it. I hate you for that. I truly do.
My heart is breaking, and I feel like it is due largely in part of the people here that make it impossible for someone to have a life outside of here, with their constant phone calls over petty shit and with their hour to two conferences over bullshit high school drama and the never ending pile of instant messages, filled with gossip—I hate all of you too. Just so you know.
It is with a heavy heart that I watch the approaching caravan that rips my beating heart from it’s chest and devours it with a howl at the sky. You all win. He be I who lay broken.