Broken

I often have it recanted to me how full and complete my life should be with my children in it, yet I perpetually find myself in a position to fill this gaping hole in my heart with someone for myself. I do have my children’s best interest at heart, and they do come first and foremost in my life—but selfishly I want more than that. I feel so badly sometimes and like I am a bad parent or something because I secretly find myself regretting that I have to take full responsibility for them and that it often pushes people from my life who seem to fit with ME somehow. I cannot change who I am and I cannot change how I feel. I seemingly am forever doomed to be this bleeding heart romantic in search of the ying to my yang? - lol—that sounds funny to even say it.
I forever find myself in a situation where I am trying to uplift someone and mend their woes and in the midst of all of it I find myself hopeless attached and bound to them—this usually results in me getting my heart broke.
I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean—it always amazes me that I haven’t run out of them yet.
I want to be a good person, I really do; but I find in my heart that I am never really good enough, and so I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do people delight in the thought of being with me, but when they are there in reality it all seems to fall apart? Why can’t it ever stay constant and good? Am I foolish to want and dream of someone that could be only mine? Someone who is logical, responsible, adorably sweet and wants to brighten all the dark skies in my world, someone who wants to lift me up as well and not just stand on my shoulders, someone who gets me—I mean really gets me and we make sense to one another—I am fighting a losing battle I think.
I am always meeting the right people I think at the wrong time in our lives. I lived way too much life way too soon and I am done with all the things that most people my age are still battling with. Plus, I am a single mother and so once my children came it changed a lot of things for me. I HAVE to be responsible and I constantly have to advocate on my kids’ behalf, because if I don’t—who will?
I am sad.
When I feel all down like this, I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I don’t want to be here talking to you, but it seems at the moment that this is the only real place where I can pour out my heart and it doesn’t seem to matter. I had planned on leaving fubar, and I think that still might be a very good idea, however now it places me at a crossroads, because someone who is very near and dear to me, will be utterly impossible for me to keep in contact with outside of here. STRESS—it is a huge contributing factor to the ills in my personal life, well that and people on the net not being able to separate fantasy from reality and just simply being too damn nosey about my personal life. DRAMA…. It seems that some of you asshats can never have enough of it. I hate you for that. I truly do.
My heart is breaking, and I feel like it is due largely in part of the people here that make it impossible for someone to have a life outside of here, with their constant phone calls over petty shit and with their hour to two conferences over bullshit high school drama and the never ending pile of instant messages, filled with gossip—I hate all of you too. Just so you know.
It is with a heavy heart that I watch the approaching caravan that rips my beating heart from it’s chest and devours it with a howl at the sky. You all win. He be I who lay broken.