Cruel World

the world is a cruel and unforgiving place somtimes...no one can truely know the way that things will work out and why...you live each day thinking that you are moving in the right direction, making the right decisions....but are you really?

When I look back on my life I think "What the FUCK!" What was I thinking, how did I rationalize all of that? But I cannot be totally amiss, because my yesterdays are most likely the reason that I have my todays.

I think that my biggest sin is that I would have the whole world waiting for me, I never am able to grasp how the people in my life seem to be able to move on after we are through... I guess sometimes I just want to world to stop, because in my heart I think that they should always be right there waiting...alone, sad and barren without me.. Seems crazy to say it out loud but it is true, I am SELFISH.

I have so many happinesses in my life, I am an accomplished poet, I am GREAT at anything to do with art or creativity....and mostly I am a great mother. But my life is not what I want it to be, or so I say, but I always think about that greener grass- would I really want it if I had it?

could I REALLY ever be happy? is this as good as it gets? and what if it is.

Blessed be the people in my life who don't run away screaming... I'm sure sometimes they want to...but they stay anyway...perhaps they are gluttons for punishment or maybe they are Angels and I just don't deserve them.

I complain about what they put me through but I never want to look in the 2 sided mirror.

Don't get me wrong I am a good person, and I can be a good friend. I have a good heart just sometimes I let it run out of control....

CRAZY huh?