feelings 1-20-2010

9:30 AM 1/20/2010
There are a million things I could talk about today - but my head is swarmed with thought and although I wish I could focus - I am so distracted and confused I don't know how to find my center.
I spent the latter portion of the evening tossing and turning... I was cold and worse I couldn't shut my brain off. I kept telling myself that in bed when I am supposed to be sleeping is not the appropriate time to ponder my existence but my head wouldn't listen. I looked like 'the thinker' for the greater portion of the day before that and I contemplated doing something mindless for even the slightest distraction.
I was in a generally decent mood most of yesterday despite the gaping whole in my heart. I am trying to be the big girl here... but occasionally hurt feelings don't allow me that luxury.. at least no one has to wonder what is on my mind. right?
I think one day people will look back and read all of these things I wrote and wish that they played a different role in my life. Maybe they will see the true meaning behind them and actually crawl into my crowed but cozy mind.
I feel like trying to be the best person that I can be has gotten me nowhere that I wanted to be. Just once it would be a treasure for someone to want to give me the world and actually come thru. I am not one of those people that knows what I want..seeks it.. only to get it and want more. I raise my hands to the heavens nearly every day and shout " ENOUGH ALREADY ".
I had comforted myself many times with the thought that all that I have suffered or endured was simply trials put in my place so that I would wholly appreciate the payoff at the end, yet life moves quickly and gets away from you fast and I often feel like a roach scattering when the light clicks on.
I am tired of standing on the sidelines with my head held high pretending that everything is alright in my world because people cannot bear the thought of me suffering and they just want to hear about the joys, though few that I cherish. I feel like everyone has bad days... that's no crime... it's reality. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for the ills that life lends you, no matter how many walls you build they always seem to sneak up on you and shred your dignity when you least expect it.
I want to heal... restore and renew and I don't want to do it alone. I am not afraid to say to anyone that I need a hand to hold, it is a fairly obvious fact. I honestly feel that with the love and unconditional support of someone I could face anything that crosses my path and be able to smile in the morning. I get over things very quickly because I shove them out of my life. My answer to the things that pain me, has been for many years, to simply extinguish them altogether. Not a perfect plan.. but sometimes the ' Band-Aid ' is all you need to be able to move on and let the wound heal. I mean think about it... all wounds heal in time... some just require a little more care than others. Still, that being said.. no matter the wound.. the medical resolution is generally to close the wound, cover it and move on... why can't that be the case for psychological wounds as well? I know it still hurts.. but if you sit there and pick at it - it will seemingly never wholly heal...not without a nasty scar anyway.
I am the biggest hypocrite of my own philosophies on most days. In my defense, I would have to say that I evaluate every situation on an individual basis and not try to have a cookie cutter response for everyone. Sometimes the logical, easy solution is one that your heart simply cannot bear to go through. I mean you burn your hand on the stove you don't think..."oh.. imma touch that burner everyday when it is fiery red and one day I won't get burnt..." you know that it is going to burn every single time, thus is the same with love in relationships. Your heart allows you to forget the pain... the fact that it heals allows you the bravery to be bold and sometimes... just sometimes you beat your head against the wall a million times expecting a different result because you want it so very badly.
Where do feelings come from anyway?
Who decided to describe them?
We struggle to put all these labels and explanations to things that sometimes our feeble minds cannot simply fathom or comprehend. I try to serve my feelings up on a silver platter to people. I want them to know the thoughts that are swimming through my mind like plague-filled fish. I want to pull them in to the experience that is me and leave nothing unsaid or unspoken. I guess I am selfish in not wanting to have regrets.
Taking care of my elderly Aunt has been a life-altering experience for me in multitudes of ways. Though very stressful and heart-wrenching at times it has taught me some very important things...
1) LIFE IS SHORT AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, IT PASSES YOU BY
I listened to her talk a lot about the regrets that she had as she sat seemingly alone - surrounded by the emptiness that a selfish greedy life had provided her. She said something to me one day that I will never forget.. "Getting old is a terrible thing girl.. don't make the same mistake as me... live everyday like it is your very last and don't let anyone keep you from the things that you need to make yourself whole... life goes by way too quick and you never have the amount of time that you think you do...and it never ends quite like you have imagined". How sad this was to me to hear.
2) IF YOU PUSH EVERYONE AWAY.. ONE DAY THEY WILL REALLY ALL BE GONE
Sometimes it is more important to mend things NOW! Everyone touches your life for a reason and if you burn those bridges it is near impossible to walk them later. Hurt people, and when you need them most they just might not be there. I knew for many years that she wasn't the easiest person to deal with and that her kindness was often sparse. She cared very little about the needs and feelings of others and when she wanted them near her the most they were nowhere to be found, in fact, I am the only person that would even tolerate her. (more evidence that I am a glutton for punishment sometimes).
3) BEING OLD SUCKS!
There was/is nothing worse than watching an old person go through the motions of life and slowly losing control. Your mind and body wear out when you don't lose them and of course age makes that battle harder and harder. As annoying as it could be to have to repeat myself a thousand times or run a million errands - I realized at the end of the day how frustrating it must be for her to not be able to hear or understand what I am saying or to be capable of doing all the things that she once enjoyed doing herself. This is a woman that loved to get in her car and drive... and she would go everywhere! This is a woman that loved to shop and sight-see and now she was grounded to her home essentially. I would try to take her places but those of you that have children know that you cannot keep them in the car forever without a melt-down. Sometimes all she wanted to do is sit in the Mc Donalds parking lot and watch the traffic go by. (something that her and my Great Great Uncle used to do when he was still living). I did it many times... We would sit there in silence and she would have this blank stare on her face i would think to myself... maybe she is not watching the traffic at all but simply envisioning within a daydream the way that she remembered things. Dementia setting in for her was a real endearing thing. As badly as I have wanted to leave this house a million times I felt so guilty for wanting to do so. I couldn't imagine the thought of a stranger coming in and knowing that her mind and memory was failing her - how easy it would be for them to take advantage of her. I have never been able to knowingly put someone in harms way. I knew instantly that I never want to experience this.
All in all I doubt that most people understand my reasoning for things. The sense of urgency I feel for wholeness and fulfillment in my life. The need to nurture, love and care with all that I am despite the limitations it besets me.
Life is hard, but it is a gift and best treated as a limited time offer.
Love is agonizing although necessary and very rewarding
at the same time.
In the end memories are the only thing that you can take with you and you will have to fight to hold on to them with all you are.

Relationship Timelines

I am so sick of fighting a losing battle.I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you fight... no matter how tightly you walk the line some things are just determined to be doomed to failure.
Relationships are supposed to be a happy event ...filled with milestones and easily obtained goals that strengthen and bind you to one another. I always believed this with all of my heart and get let down. I have spoke many times about how I feel it such an injustice that we raise our daughters on fairytales where this dashing prince comes to the rescue of the perilous princess and sweeps her away from all the iniquity in her life in as little as 15 pages. We instill so early on these unrealistic expectations and somehow it is ingrained so deeply into the little girl heart that we have that as women we find nothing but heartache.
I am a product of unrealistic thinking and a dreamers heart. I want to be wholly loved and swept away - fleeting the heartache I feel and sugar-coating it with pralined butter cream instances strung together on candy hearted ribbons with that someone special.
I always think that being faithful, wholly devoted and supportive will spawn this behavior - but it doesn't; perhaps I am just destined to be alone my whole life.
I have never been good at waiting in lines or anticipating surprises. I always kind of take things as they go because sometimes it is just better to have something that seems so perfect for a little while then to never have really had it at all.
I look at other people I know and think them lucky. Even if they are moderately unhappy - they are essentially not alone... they have someone to turn to... someone to laugh with and someone that is willing to face the ugliness of the world holding their hand. Why can't I feel safe like that? Why can't I feel like I will not be abandoned when the going gets tough?
I hate to argue. I hate the viscous ugly words that are forefront in the midst of anger. I hate trying to be the calm one and barely making it sometimes. There is always that moment when I argue with someone that I love that I think to myself - I would love to just reach out and hug them... would it end the bickering?? But I am always so afraid that if I do just that I will be pushed away and it will enrage me.
I am the one that will tell you to go and fully expect you to stay. I want you to believe in our love so much that the thought of walking out the door and letting it wither and die is something that you don't think that you could bare. I want you to hear the despair in my voice... and feel the ache in my heart as you look at me with angry eyes and cut me with sharp words... and I want you to hold me and remind yourself why you love me to begin with instead of trying to find excuses to walk away.
Then men in my life always leave.
My father left.
My step-father left and took the family I called mine for 12 years with him.
... and countless others till this day... It is no hard search to come to the reality of why I would fear your fleeting. Of why promises of return hold no water with me and why accepting defeat is something that I am used to.
I don't claim to be anything that I am not. I am a mere shadow of a women that wears a smile on my best days. I always hope for the facade to someday over power the brutal reality... but then I seriously wonder if anyone can carry that basket.
I don't need a perfect life... I don't fool myself in to believing that it is even attainable. I want the bad times - if we can face them arm in arm and shoulder to shoulder. After a long bewildering day all I want to do is curl up next to you and feel safe. To know deep in my heart that you are there to stay and not going to leave me to figure it all out on my own.
I have made a mockery of this thing called life for many years. I have known much sadness and heartache and I have always sprung back from it thinking that "oh well - it is what it is and I will recover" but my patience are growing quite thin. My heart is not the only heart that breaks when things fall to pieces. As badly as I sit here and know to the very core of my soul that I need stability and dependability in my life I see it in the faces of my sons. They hunger for something perhaps I am doomed not to obtain. It sickens me that I grasp so tightly to try to make something be only to feel at times like it is water flowing through my hands. If I cannot harness it for myself - how can I ever dream it for them?
It's not enough for me to hear you love me if you can't bear to weather the storm with me. It's not enough for me to pent up hope in dreams into something that seems so far off from reality. How do you know if it is real? Can you touch it, taste it... feel it? If it vanishes at your darkest moments is it really lucid?
I want to reach for your hand when I fall, and not grasp at only a promise. I want to... more so I need to.
It's really hard for me to understand someone that pulls you close only to hold you at a distance. It's hurtful and often cruel in fact to ride the wave of emotions and get crushed in the tsunami of indecision when you are fighting so hard to hold their hands and surf. I will never understand separatist thinking inside of a solitary unit. I want to be a team and there is no "i" in team. I have been preaching that to the choir for sometime now and realized upon closer inspection that there is in fact an "i" in unity; something that I also desire greatly.
I have no real problem with individuality in a relationship - I actually believe it to be a cornerstone to survival. It's the "i" thinking that I cannot bear. I mean you have to have an identity inside of any union but it's my belief that you should want to play for the team.
I wear a heavy heart as I retreat sadly from all the things that I hoped to obtain. I feel like I got bad directions from MapQuest and have traveled so close to my destination that I can see it - only to find that the road I was traveling was under demolition, leaving me no other option but to turn around. It is a painful and heart-wrenching ordeal.
I am trying to pull up my big girl panties and believe in the wonderment of love. I am trying to be strong and understanding. I am trying to look at this hiccup as something that could be positive and still take nothing away from the excitement and wholeness I once felt in the safety of his arms.
I admire people that can smile in the face of adversity and keep a positive mental attitude. It seems funny for me to say that considering that I am the one that jokingly commented hundreds of times that I would like to stamp the toes of the overly-happy person and bring them down off their cloud. It's not that I ever want to be the person that rains on some ones parade; just simply that I have never really been able to revel in true happiness ... it seems it is always the calm before the storm and so I find myself being the person that is waiting for the bomb to drop.
I need the up to my down the left to my right the Ying to my yang and without reservation or abandon I need them to encapsulate me with a love whole and true and downright ravenous. I need to have something more than an empty doorway and a cold pillow that your scent lingers upon. I need to have some assurance that tomorrow will come and not just because you say that it will... not just because you promise it. Words hold little weight when so much has already be stolen from them. You can only make so many promises that you don't keep before people think you are crying wolf.  The thing is with all my heart I want to believe so badly. My friends think I am insane for that - they think I should turn and run with all that I got and never look back. They think I am getting played and playing the fool. It sickens me a little to have so little control over the course of my happiness. In disgust I raise my hands to the sky and cry out... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!!!! lol... I guess I am worse than the person that smiles in the face of adversity haha.