Relationship Timelines

I am so sick of fighting a losing battle.I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you fight... no matter how tightly you walk the line some things are just determined to be doomed to failure.
Relationships are supposed to be a happy event ...filled with milestones and easily obtained goals that strengthen and bind you to one another. I always believed this with all of my heart and get let down. I have spoke many times about how I feel it such an injustice that we raise our daughters on fairytales where this dashing prince comes to the rescue of the perilous princess and sweeps her away from all the iniquity in her life in as little as 15 pages. We instill so early on these unrealistic expectations and somehow it is ingrained so deeply into the little girl heart that we have that as women we find nothing but heartache.
I am a product of unrealistic thinking and a dreamers heart. I want to be wholly loved and swept away - fleeting the heartache I feel and sugar-coating it with pralined butter cream instances strung together on candy hearted ribbons with that someone special.
I always think that being faithful, wholly devoted and supportive will spawn this behavior - but it doesn't; perhaps I am just destined to be alone my whole life.
I have never been good at waiting in lines or anticipating surprises. I always kind of take things as they go because sometimes it is just better to have something that seems so perfect for a little while then to never have really had it at all.
I look at other people I know and think them lucky. Even if they are moderately unhappy - they are essentially not alone... they have someone to turn to... someone to laugh with and someone that is willing to face the ugliness of the world holding their hand. Why can't I feel safe like that? Why can't I feel like I will not be abandoned when the going gets tough?
I hate to argue. I hate the viscous ugly words that are forefront in the midst of anger. I hate trying to be the calm one and barely making it sometimes. There is always that moment when I argue with someone that I love that I think to myself - I would love to just reach out and hug them... would it end the bickering?? But I am always so afraid that if I do just that I will be pushed away and it will enrage me.
I am the one that will tell you to go and fully expect you to stay. I want you to believe in our love so much that the thought of walking out the door and letting it wither and die is something that you don't think that you could bare. I want you to hear the despair in my voice... and feel the ache in my heart as you look at me with angry eyes and cut me with sharp words... and I want you to hold me and remind yourself why you love me to begin with instead of trying to find excuses to walk away.
Then men in my life always leave.
My father left.
My step-father left and took the family I called mine for 12 years with him.
... and countless others till this day... It is no hard search to come to the reality of why I would fear your fleeting. Of why promises of return hold no water with me and why accepting defeat is something that I am used to.
I don't claim to be anything that I am not. I am a mere shadow of a women that wears a smile on my best days. I always hope for the facade to someday over power the brutal reality... but then I seriously wonder if anyone can carry that basket.
I don't need a perfect life... I don't fool myself in to believing that it is even attainable. I want the bad times - if we can face them arm in arm and shoulder to shoulder. After a long bewildering day all I want to do is curl up next to you and feel safe. To know deep in my heart that you are there to stay and not going to leave me to figure it all out on my own.
I have made a mockery of this thing called life for many years. I have known much sadness and heartache and I have always sprung back from it thinking that "oh well - it is what it is and I will recover" but my patience are growing quite thin. My heart is not the only heart that breaks when things fall to pieces. As badly as I sit here and know to the very core of my soul that I need stability and dependability in my life I see it in the faces of my sons. They hunger for something perhaps I am doomed not to obtain. It sickens me that I grasp so tightly to try to make something be only to feel at times like it is water flowing through my hands. If I cannot harness it for myself - how can I ever dream it for them?
It's not enough for me to hear you love me if you can't bear to weather the storm with me. It's not enough for me to pent up hope in dreams into something that seems so far off from reality. How do you know if it is real? Can you touch it, taste it... feel it? If it vanishes at your darkest moments is it really lucid?
I want to reach for your hand when I fall, and not grasp at only a promise. I want to... more so I need to.
It's really hard for me to understand someone that pulls you close only to hold you at a distance. It's hurtful and often cruel in fact to ride the wave of emotions and get crushed in the tsunami of indecision when you are fighting so hard to hold their hands and surf. I will never understand separatist thinking inside of a solitary unit. I want to be a team and there is no "i" in team. I have been preaching that to the choir for sometime now and realized upon closer inspection that there is in fact an "i" in unity; something that I also desire greatly.
I have no real problem with individuality in a relationship - I actually believe it to be a cornerstone to survival. It's the "i" thinking that I cannot bear. I mean you have to have an identity inside of any union but it's my belief that you should want to play for the team.
I wear a heavy heart as I retreat sadly from all the things that I hoped to obtain. I feel like I got bad directions from MapQuest and have traveled so close to my destination that I can see it - only to find that the road I was traveling was under demolition, leaving me no other option but to turn around. It is a painful and heart-wrenching ordeal.
I am trying to pull up my big girl panties and believe in the wonderment of love. I am trying to be strong and understanding. I am trying to look at this hiccup as something that could be positive and still take nothing away from the excitement and wholeness I once felt in the safety of his arms.
I admire people that can smile in the face of adversity and keep a positive mental attitude. It seems funny for me to say that considering that I am the one that jokingly commented hundreds of times that I would like to stamp the toes of the overly-happy person and bring them down off their cloud. It's not that I ever want to be the person that rains on some ones parade; just simply that I have never really been able to revel in true happiness ... it seems it is always the calm before the storm and so I find myself being the person that is waiting for the bomb to drop.
I need the up to my down the left to my right the Ying to my yang and without reservation or abandon I need them to encapsulate me with a love whole and true and downright ravenous. I need to have something more than an empty doorway and a cold pillow that your scent lingers upon. I need to have some assurance that tomorrow will come and not just because you say that it will... not just because you promise it. Words hold little weight when so much has already be stolen from them. You can only make so many promises that you don't keep before people think you are crying wolf.  The thing is with all my heart I want to believe so badly. My friends think I am insane for that - they think I should turn and run with all that I got and never look back. They think I am getting played and playing the fool. It sickens me a little to have so little control over the course of my happiness. In disgust I raise my hands to the sky and cry out... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!!!! lol... I guess I am worse than the person that smiles in the face of adversity haha.