Needs

Okay so you asked me to write about the things that I am looking for in life and or from a relationship..

I don't know what the future holds for me any more than any other person but I guess I have some ideals of how I would like things to be or even how I would have wanted them to be before now.

the biggest thing that I know for sure is that I have no desire to be alone or to go through life alone.
I want to be with someone and share my life with them and all my ups and downs... I want to have someone to talk to and dream with and feel safe and loved. I want to know that they are not going to desert me when times get hard and that I am their one and only.
I do want to get married someday - but when I do I want to be sure that it is going to last - I never want to be divorced and I want to get married before I am too old to enjoy it.

I want to get out of the city and be settled in a quiet - good town and raise my kids with good values.

I want to explore creative venues - work smarter not necessarily harder and be with someone that feels the same and we support each other through these ventures.

I want to get the love I give back in return. I don't want to feel like the only one trying. I will never make them feel like the only one trying.

I want to stop over-extending myself and just do for my kids and my mate.

I want to still learn something new every day.

I want to try to laugh at some point every day.

I want to stop getting my heart broke.

I want to have a normal maybe even routine life. I guess I just want to know what is going to happen - stability makes unexpected disaster easier to deal with.

I want to cry less.

I want to be healthier. Quit smoking - eat right - ect.

I never want to go to bed angry or hurt feelings.

I never want to feel defeated when we disagree.

I want to know that the person that loves me - loves me unconditionally and that they won't give up on or walk away from me when times get hard cause really everyone has their ups and downs.

I want to be proud of myself and be able to be proud of my mate.

I want to always want to be close to the person I love even if I can't.

I want to be able to trust them when they are away from me and vice versa.

I want them to mean what they say and say what they mean and stick to it... I never want to be the last person to know.

I want to be happy. really & truly.

I want kisses before I say goodbye.

I want to be missed when I am gone and always welcomed back with open arms.

I want to be so loved that they feel the need to shout it from the rooftops or whatever equivalent lets it be known to the entire world.

I want them to wipe my tears when I cry and tell me it will all get better and at least we still got each other..

I want to know that we can work through anything.

I want them to never stop trying to make me fall in love with them even though they already have my whole heart.

I want to be able to compromise for real.... and stick to it.

I want to feel important and needed.

Time is running out

I am feeling really indifferent today. This is the first day in a very long time that I haven't woke up happy. I guess I didn't expect too much after the emotional night that I had last night and all the thoughts that have swarmed my mind since then. I was up rather late last night or this morning if you will and I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things... That is usually not a good thing.
I reflected on my life and what has brought me to this point where I am right now and I can't believe some of the things that I have lived through. It is no understatement when my mother says to me "Jeniffer you have lived more life than most people three times your age".. And looking back I really have experienced a lot and been a lot of places. The thing is that looking back over all of that I have never really been happy in my life... I found myself searching and I couldn't find one single instance where I was truly happy. How depressing. I want to blame other people or blame circumstances but I can't help feeling like it is something personal with me. I mean seriously can all those other people really be wrong and I am just the wounded victim? The odds seem against it.
Despite all of that I realized something about myself... I am a survivor. I continually bring myself out of the adversity and seemingly move on, no matter how broken I am at the moment. Maybe I just give up on the flailing dream that is dragging me under. *SIGH* and here I am.
I listened long and hard to 2 very different stories last night : the first saddened my heart in so many ways because when someone exposes themselves broken and muddled my natural instinct is just to pick them up and make it all better... To butter balm it and push them past. I was referred to last night several times as a band-aid of sorts and though I am sure it was meant as a compliment I realized what he was saying about wanting to heal what was beneath the band-aid. I kept thinking in my head... " A band-aid is good right... If you leave it on - it heals what's beneath it and it hurts when it's ripped off - so you keep it on as long as possible" then the flip of that... " Band-aids can't heal wounds that need sutures" - so I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a "band-aid" at all.
I guess as a mother you get this idea in your head that kisses are magic and that love heals everything somehow and it is a pretty defeating revelation to know that sometimes - for some people it is just not enough. I feel a little helpless over it.
It's hard to love someone so much and to feel like you are not enough for them.
I am guilty of loving people with my whole heart. My heart pours out like a faucet and strangely enough I can never turn it off completely. I know in my heart that no one is promised a tomorrow and so I seem to make it a point to make my feelings very plain so that nothing goes unsaid. I operate like everyday is the last day I have left and I try to make the best of it. I always thought that was a good thing, but I guess it can be overwhelming for some.
I have dreams of my own and I feel like I abandon them or set them aside all to often because I am so focused on being the dream for someone else. I never wanted my life to be the way that it is. I am 34, unmarried with two children and a garage full of crap I can't seem to let go of. I wanted the dream and honestly I am mad at everyone that has it and simply tosses it aside. YOU ARE FOOLS!
I am a firm believer that people lose sight all too often of the things that made them love a person so wholly to begin with, I lay in the wake of your ruin and it disgusts me.
I always feel alone. Alone in my thoughts, through my struggles and in my ideals. I am a good salesperson though.. I can sell my grandiose relationship ideals to anyone and make them think or profess that it is what they really want... But if it never really happens you would have to think that either they really didn't want that or I am not living up to my end. Who can say? I won't even attempt to dig myself into the therapy that undoubtedly I need over my self review.
Which brings me to the second story I heard last night. I talked to a person that was dying. I thought I had it all figured out up until now and that if someone was dying that they would have all these strong feelings of love and making things right and closure. As I listened to the story I heard the bitterness in their voice and the anger at the way that things were. I heard the confusion and disgust and I felt pity for them. Their whole life had been hard just like mine in so many ways and I found myself thinking - is this how I am going to be? I mean they had fought so hard to try to do right and be the best person and to love without abandon only to be an orphan to whore of the self discovery of someone else. I wondered why this conversation was put before me at that very moment. Why did I have to hear this now? I lay awake for hours thinking - my mind just raced with thought and I realized YOU CAN"T CHANGE PEOPLE - YOU SIMPLY CANNOT WILL ANOTHER TO BE WHAT YOU NEED. I feel defeated in this thought. I sit here like the child that is raising their hand in class but constantly looked over. I am raising my hand because I have the answer but no one wants to hear it.
Lastly I thought to the elderly relative that I take care of.. I understand somehow how she feels. Old. Alone. Disconnected. And... Bitter over the fact that the dream is gone. I wonder if it is better to have had it at all and have to miss is and mourn the fact that it is gone; or if it would be better to long for it and never have had it.
Why go on at all if all it will be is sadness and heartache in the end? Why do we tool away everyday and try so heard to have the completeness if it may never come? Time is the constant - it is always ticking away and we are not getting any younger. Our days are numbered and we are busy waiting... What sense does that make?
You would think that others would sense the imminent shadow of death that cloaks us from the moment we leave the womb and that they would not want to spend it waiting but rather living and doing. I don't want to have regrets and I don't want to spend my life in line. How do you decide what lines are worth waiting in and which ones are the ones you should just pass over? I feel like an ambulance struck in traffic constantly, knowing I have the power to flip the siren at anytime and push my way through the ocean of traffic but waiting impatiently because it is not always the right thing to do.
I want to scream at my indifference!!! I want to raise my fists to the sky and curse father time "YOU INSOLENT BASTARD!!!!!!!!" but what good would it really do and what would it change?
.......exactly...

8-9-09

Don't you just love when you are trying to have a good time with someone and all the ridiculous bullshit of the world and the past creeps in and gets in the way of your happy time?
I think that it must be written somewhere that I will never find peace or have true happiness in my life because it always seems that when I am at my happiest time and I think that I am actually going to finally catch a break at life that something steps in the way to fuck it all up and make me totally fucking crazy.
I have enormous amounts of stress on my shoulders at any one particular time in my life and I think sometimes and in fact have often heard other people say to me that they are wholly shocked that I am still sucking air from the planet.
It truly is a sadness to me that the person that I love most in the world is frustrated with me - to even have to live through the moment or very instance of him looking off into the distance with that look of disgust on his face and know that it is because of me as he lets out that heavy laden sigh  - it is the most horrible thing.
I mean to mean it is like in my mind I just noted that this is where the whole descent has begun and now I guess it is only a matter of time before it all falls apart I should just brace myself now.
To have him sitting there behind me and surely thinking why is this crazy bitch sitting here writing when we are in the same room - but I think that if I am not doing this right now that I would just start to cry.
who fucking cares right??? - I mean how much worse could the night really get - he has already threatened to leave and/or walk out of the house and away because he didn't like what I was saying - when I remember when it all began that was something that he promised me would never happen - yet here we are - barely been together not even three months and we are already breaking our promises to one another.
Maybe it is an injustice to ourselves that we don't write the bad things that happen in "our book" I had hoped I guess that we would only ever have good things to record in there - but it seems that we have already had so much strife in our relationship and her it has just begun - and these are no small things either. Hows come life doesn't come with 'do overs'?
I feel like I am forever chained to a past that I cannot escape and that my future holds more than a few questions for me.
I love Dan with all of my heart and I have sunk so much energy and emotion into our relationship and it would seem to me that so very essential things are apparent to me right off. There is definitely a double standard and resentment already seemingly coming into play. Why is it so hard for people to grasp the idea that you want to be held to the same ideals as them and that you want them to treat and expect nothing more or less from you than they would want if the roles were reversed.
I am not some stupid child that has no idea of how the world is operated - that was me maybe 15 years ago - but certainly not now.
Maybe I just want too much from people. Maybe I need more than any human will ever be able to or want to give to me - it is possible for me to fathom since prior to having Dan re-enter my life I was quite settled with the fact that I was destined to be alone and that I had already fucked the life I was given up enough that I would never really recover from it - how foolish of me to close my eyes so tightly and drink in the idea that it could ever be really any different from that. I guess I will never really learn. Now I have the unwanted task of having to sit here and watch a love that I thought could conquer anything and would never die be painfully strapped up to life support as the fundamentals start to be ebbed away and lose the luster that once blinded the stars.
All I want to do is just run away and hide,.I officially hate my life and myself again.
I want to shout out in rage that I am the only soul there is to blame for this - but there was a time in my life when I was a much different person. I'll never be able to be that naive, trusting little girl again. I am too scared at where it took me in life the last time. Further more for us to already have had so many trust issues so early on only reinforces the fear that I have felt.
I have come so far and been through so much it is hard to want to sit there and just throw the blinders back on and ignore all the signs that are tossed before my face. I want to be the kind of person that can just sit there in silence but I guess I am just not built to suffer alone, and my thinking becomes if this is really the words that will bring it all to and end then I might as well get it over with and know it now. Why walk silently through the relationship holding stuff in only to down the road watch it all fall apart because of something stupid that frenzied into something toxic down the road because the leg you were standing on had already been being chewed to bits long before that - i mean really would it hurt less now or many years down the road? I am guessing... just guessing that it would hurt less now.
Okay enough ranting for tonight - i think I have cleared enough out of my head that I won't go cry tonight.

About Love

I have always had a lot of ideas about how relationships should be. I can't decide when I formally formed an opinion that was concrete about what I really need from a relationship but I think it would be safe to assume that it was gradually adjusted into the belief that I have today.
In the process of becomming this conclusion I have learned many things... and in an attempt to clear my head somehow I have decided to jot them down.

1. Love means many things to many people.
I think it is very important to discover for yourself what love means to you and to be very clear of what this defination is when you express to others that you love them. I have thought many times that it is quite the injustice to the lovers of the world that love can be so broad sprectrum that there is seemingly no scale to define the type, quality or level of love you are experiencing for someone. Simply put - when you tell someone that you love them - they essentailly take it in and apply it down the line in their emotional database to the preformed definition that they have in mind. I believe it is a more rare occurance then some might think for two people to truely see eye to eye on this matter, and thus the pureness of the emotion loses it's luster somewhere amidst unmet expectations and needs.

2. Love has many stages.
As best as I can figure there are some constants in love that feed into the equation of a relationship and it's how you essentially deal with each level indivudally and then attempt to fold those layers together that ultimately decides whether or not love will endure or simply crumble to dust.
a. the honeymoon phase - this is the intense I can't live without you love that wraps you up and makes you feel all gooey for someone
b. the meat stage - this is the part where things start being real and you are caused to search and examine the depth and level of your emotional commitment to someone.
c. make it or break it stage - the gloves have come off and adversity has found it's way into your life and your love will be tested.
d. the glue outcome - your bond is strong and your basic expectations from love are being met on both ends and you make the clear chioce to stick together no matter what
e. the candle wick outcome - expectations are not met and slowly it ebbs away at the fire that you had util the flame burns out completely. (sometimes you can rebuild and regroup and come out of things)

3. Love has conditions.
I must have heard a billion times in my life that I was loved unconditionally. But if that were really true there would be no need for resolve or goodbyes or fighting ever in a relationship. No one person that you loved would ever feel less or fall in a line of priorities but instead be lumped into this group with yourself where exceptions did not exist and you never had to say the word "me" or include a seperate entity from yourself in the relationship ever. Uncoditional love would never spawn the phrase... "I love you but..."
Uncoditional love would never coin the usage of "space", "time" or "I" phrases other that ones termed with affection or expressing devotion.

4. Love is powerful but makes you weak.
Love takes your power and empowers your partner. You are essentially letting them behind all your barriers and giving them the power to crush your very soul yet trusting in them and hoping with your whole heart that they won't use the power.

Without YOU

Without You

Being without the one that you love is a pain worse than death. It is a slow aching need that develops into a diseased poison coursing through your veins.
Your arms are empty and ache to hold him, your voice shakes as your surf on the wave of tears that are sure to come as you say goodbyes. There is that awkward moment where you just look into one another's eyes and you seem frozen there; you just don't want to turn and walk away, though you know you must.
A cold chill rushes over you as the love fire slowly smolders to barely a warm ember, you can still feel their simple kiss upon your lips and feel the strength of their grasp but with time it seems to pass some and so the cold sets in. The darkness of loneliness you now wear like a burial shroud and you retreat into the solitude of the world without them.
You know in your heart that you must let them go if ever they are to return to you and that where your lover goes you cannot always follow; but somehow it is still not a comfort to you.
You talk frequently on the phone though you can hear it in their voice, it can never really take the place of their smile, or the glimmer in their eyes when they look at you. Missing someone is a hunger that can only be satisfied by reunification.
You look into the night sky and you plead to the stars to race your lover back to your arms, but like an obstinate child your cries fall on deaf ears; so you sit, and you wait, day after day and the moments pass like hours and the hours like days and the days like years and you become riddled with question, hurt, ache and yearning until you feel you will seemingly die.

Heavy Laden Heart

I always feel like a failure, it’s the plain, yet brutal truth. I am good at being the wounded victim – after all it is all that I have known for many years. Love has never been kind or wholly good to me, I have this knack for finding and dumping my soul into people who pain and ravish my heart without avail.
It is difficult for me to trust, that is no secret. I used to be this completely trusting person and walked through life seemingly with these blinders on, ignorant to the fact that my life was being made a mockery of until repeatedly they were knocked from my minds eye and I was brought back to earth and the harsh reality that wholesome and true is not what most people are.
I do have someone in my life that I love so very much; and though I feel he is worthy of my trust and all that is me, I fight this urge to be this typical brokenhearted girl. I feel myself running into this emotional brick wall all the time because my heart is leaning and questioning; unknowingly it’s searching for a wrong to be there and it tears my heart to shreds. I hurt him in a sense, diminish his pride I think, by doing this, when I guess all I am doing is seeking validation.
Once worse, as hard as I try, I grow weary and often times the action on my behalf is uncontrollable. I do not intend to be a malicious or accusing person. I hear the words as they leap from my lips and I want to scream in rage “STOP!”.. I am thinking in my head, “please don’t notice, just don’t hear me, oh god, I am doing it again..” and I want to just die before it all blows up.
I feel broken when we argue. I am so alone in this sadness. I want to be better. I want him to understand and heal me. To comfort me when I feel all is lost. To not take offense and try to understand that past wounds were brutal and the scars are still fresh. To forgive me just a little, and love me more each day despite my many faults.
I wonder sometimes if those people who did these wrongs to me even know what a poison stain they have placed in my heart. How it seems in turn a death sentence of sorts. After all a life void of love is a fate worse then death. If they know, do they even care? Are they sorry? Would they remove this cancerous wound from my heart and restore me?
I wish it could be undone, that I could turn back the hands of time and give him the heart that loved without fear.
I am so afraid.
Afraid that I will lose him, and it would be no ones fault but my own.
Afraid that he doesn’t have the will or the strength to guard is love for me and heal my brokenness with understanding.
I am sick in love with this man.
I have never loved another more, not even myself.
He is second only to my children in my heart.
I place him above even myself.
Dare I spoil his love for me with mere words-it would be something so tragic.

Conjectural Contemplation

It’s true. I spend too much time worrying about other people. I worry about their happiness, their health and the dynamics between them and I. I can honestly say that often, too many times, I place others before myself and in turn leave my own heart and health broken and at the mercy of the waves of the world.
Worse, I feel helpless almost every day and fight to hold on to the things that bring me joy, even though I often feel them slipping through my fingers like sand and slowly escaping me.
I am in love, with someone whom I think is simply amazing. Yet, somehow I feel this sense of desperation and emptiness. His heart is a muddled mess of confusion and full of battle wounds from loves’ once lost. Each day I grow closer to this man and pray that I am enough, I want to help him, hold him and show him how good love can really be, still I worry that he could be ripped from my life at any moment and wonder how and if I could even deal with that.
Is it possible to love someone TOO much?
Is it possible to wrap yourself up into someone so entirely and fight so hard to hold their head above water that you in turn drown yourself?
This roller coaster of emotions is a wave that rushes over me and sends my mind into a swirl of confusion and discontent.
I find myself often pondering “why can’t I catch a break?”, “why can’t life ever be easy; and love for that matter?”
I want to be strong and cold somehow and pretend it makes no difference to me. I want to erase all the heartache and make his heart light, free of burden and carefree…
I want to fill his world with the warmth of my love and fill his life with happiness.
Am I a fool? Is my battle for naught?
If a person is sinking to the bottom of the ocean, how do you know that your strong enough to save them?...and worse, what if you fight and fight only to find out that they want to sink?........and if you love them….I mean really love them, is it selfish to not want to let go?
(sigh)
I know he loves me. There is not even a question as to if this is a fact. He sets himself aside so often to pour out his love for me and make it known. He says, and does, things for me that make my heart soar to heights I have never known. With that being said, that empowers him with a certain amount of control over the course of my emotions. A fragile and delicate thing is my heart, which rests soundly in the palm of his hands.
It is no small thing for me to entrust my heart to someone. I have had this torturous affair with love for many years now. It is nothing shy of an understatement to say that I have been unlucky in love. The diary of a broken heart has many volumes. It in itself rises and falls with emotions and regret. It stains your soul in a sense and leaves you with murderous scars to seemingly shield your heart from pain. I think sometimes, that the little bit of insecurity that you carry with you after you watch your beating heart ripped from your chest and then lay on the ground withering until it folds into ashes, is a defense mechanism of sorts to ensure that you will never know love again.
Pushing past that hurt, is nothing shy of a arduous endeavor for me each and every day.
People look at me and think that I have it all together, but, I, like you, am a total mess.
HE makes me better.
HE makes me want to be better.
HE is the reason that I want to give and live and grow to die another day.
HE, and HE ALONE, is the balm for my brokenness.
I want to be this for him to.
I ache to release him from this self-imposed imprisonment that drags his soul asunder.
To lift him up and together make us whole.
I BELIEVE I can do it.
I BELIEVE together WE can conquer any obstacle.
But, how can I give him strength, when he feels he has none? How can I urge him to fight, if he loses faith? How can he go on without it?
I guess I want some encouragement that it will all be as it should. That we will actually be a “WE”, and know happiness forever.
That the pasts that we have know will fade away and our new lives start together fresh.
That this is not all a proverbial unicorn for me, and will actually happen.
I want him to let go and fall with the faith of a thousand saints into my arms and be wholly mine for always, or until such a time when our souls are shredded from this earthly existence by the coil of deaths’ embrace.
I beg him from the depths of my being to let my love nourish and heal this gaping wound in his heart and cradle himself helplessly as a child in my care until we grow together strong.
The future and my fate rests solemnly in his will. Therefore I lay at his mercy, and plead for my own sanctity.