8-9-09

Don't you just love when you are trying to have a good time with someone and all the ridiculous bullshit of the world and the past creeps in and gets in the way of your happy time?
I think that it must be written somewhere that I will never find peace or have true happiness in my life because it always seems that when I am at my happiest time and I think that I am actually going to finally catch a break at life that something steps in the way to fuck it all up and make me totally fucking crazy.
I have enormous amounts of stress on my shoulders at any one particular time in my life and I think sometimes and in fact have often heard other people say to me that they are wholly shocked that I am still sucking air from the planet.
It truly is a sadness to me that the person that I love most in the world is frustrated with me - to even have to live through the moment or very instance of him looking off into the distance with that look of disgust on his face and know that it is because of me as he lets out that heavy laden sigh  - it is the most horrible thing.
I mean to mean it is like in my mind I just noted that this is where the whole descent has begun and now I guess it is only a matter of time before it all falls apart I should just brace myself now.
To have him sitting there behind me and surely thinking why is this crazy bitch sitting here writing when we are in the same room - but I think that if I am not doing this right now that I would just start to cry.
who fucking cares right??? - I mean how much worse could the night really get - he has already threatened to leave and/or walk out of the house and away because he didn't like what I was saying - when I remember when it all began that was something that he promised me would never happen - yet here we are - barely been together not even three months and we are already breaking our promises to one another.
Maybe it is an injustice to ourselves that we don't write the bad things that happen in "our book" I had hoped I guess that we would only ever have good things to record in there - but it seems that we have already had so much strife in our relationship and her it has just begun - and these are no small things either. Hows come life doesn't come with 'do overs'?
I feel like I am forever chained to a past that I cannot escape and that my future holds more than a few questions for me.
I love Dan with all of my heart and I have sunk so much energy and emotion into our relationship and it would seem to me that so very essential things are apparent to me right off. There is definitely a double standard and resentment already seemingly coming into play. Why is it so hard for people to grasp the idea that you want to be held to the same ideals as them and that you want them to treat and expect nothing more or less from you than they would want if the roles were reversed.
I am not some stupid child that has no idea of how the world is operated - that was me maybe 15 years ago - but certainly not now.
Maybe I just want too much from people. Maybe I need more than any human will ever be able to or want to give to me - it is possible for me to fathom since prior to having Dan re-enter my life I was quite settled with the fact that I was destined to be alone and that I had already fucked the life I was given up enough that I would never really recover from it - how foolish of me to close my eyes so tightly and drink in the idea that it could ever be really any different from that. I guess I will never really learn. Now I have the unwanted task of having to sit here and watch a love that I thought could conquer anything and would never die be painfully strapped up to life support as the fundamentals start to be ebbed away and lose the luster that once blinded the stars.
All I want to do is just run away and hide,.I officially hate my life and myself again.
I want to shout out in rage that I am the only soul there is to blame for this - but there was a time in my life when I was a much different person. I'll never be able to be that naive, trusting little girl again. I am too scared at where it took me in life the last time. Further more for us to already have had so many trust issues so early on only reinforces the fear that I have felt.
I have come so far and been through so much it is hard to want to sit there and just throw the blinders back on and ignore all the signs that are tossed before my face. I want to be the kind of person that can just sit there in silence but I guess I am just not built to suffer alone, and my thinking becomes if this is really the words that will bring it all to and end then I might as well get it over with and know it now. Why walk silently through the relationship holding stuff in only to down the road watch it all fall apart because of something stupid that frenzied into something toxic down the road because the leg you were standing on had already been being chewed to bits long before that - i mean really would it hurt less now or many years down the road? I am guessing... just guessing that it would hurt less now.
Okay enough ranting for tonight - i think I have cleared enough out of my head that I won't go cry tonight.