Silence her spirit and sew shut her lips
with a flip of your pen you tighten your grip
choking and smiting her vigilant voice
raised in apathy and disdain at your actions of choice
your offense is offensive and merely a ploy
the shift the direction with misdirection of joy
I watched you laugh today as you broke a child's spirit and filled his world with despair
how cruelly you abused him without even a care
your smug demeanor
your rancid soul
he stood there broken in the wake of your control
you made yourself a monster to him
it cannot be unseen
but instead of apologizing, you choose to demonize me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
la vèritè
When does it end?
I mean for real..
It's like the world is continually handing you your ass and you can't catch a break. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I feel like my life is horrible, that is, until I start peeling it out to someone else and they are all like the solution is so simple and then I feel removed from myself, like I am now outside of myself listening to myself talk and thinking to myself will this bitch ever stop making excuses and whining?
I feel like I know what I want but does the disparity of thinking that it simply doesn't exist make me placid and contemptuous?
floating
from one mistake to another and wishing there was some magic recipe to get to a good streak, where everything seems to click but what if the recipe was to just stay put all along and iron the wrinkles out of the mother fucker that is driving you bat shit crazy because he can't seem to dig his head out of his ass or what if you stay put only to find that staying was not only not the thing that you were supposed to do but in fact the thing that sealed your ending?
ugh
I guess the only thing that I am sure that I know is that I don't know... and worse yet, at the end of the day I am just too mentally exhausted to do anything about it and I guess I just feel like what is the point of making a huge change if I don't know for certain that it is the right thing to do - even though I seem fairly certain that remaining is quite possibly, m ost likely not the right thing.
indifference
and resentment
in abundance. so much so that it has broken inside of me the place that used to fill with warmth and love so easily
now,
more so a cold and barren vacuous space
nothing helps.
it all hurts and every day I cry.
what a torture.
la vèritè ; the truth
is that I am unhappy, but in all fairness I don't know if I could ever be.
I mean if suddenly the winds changed and the skies parted and all was right in the world would I even believe it? would I even be able to accept it? Or would I ruin it.
soil it.
stain it, until it was just as fucked up and barren as me inside.
does anyone really have the grit to heal - let alone the ability
and what if in all seriousness that is what is happening now and I am fucking it right in it's proverbial ass with all my brokenness?
not knowing is a torture
but isn't knowing too?
I mean for real..
It's like the world is continually handing you your ass and you can't catch a break. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I feel like my life is horrible, that is, until I start peeling it out to someone else and they are all like the solution is so simple and then I feel removed from myself, like I am now outside of myself listening to myself talk and thinking to myself will this bitch ever stop making excuses and whining?
I feel like I know what I want but does the disparity of thinking that it simply doesn't exist make me placid and contemptuous?
floating
from one mistake to another and wishing there was some magic recipe to get to a good streak, where everything seems to click but what if the recipe was to just stay put all along and iron the wrinkles out of the mother fucker that is driving you bat shit crazy because he can't seem to dig his head out of his ass or what if you stay put only to find that staying was not only not the thing that you were supposed to do but in fact the thing that sealed your ending?
ugh
I guess the only thing that I am sure that I know is that I don't know... and worse yet, at the end of the day I am just too mentally exhausted to do anything about it and I guess I just feel like what is the point of making a huge change if I don't know for certain that it is the right thing to do - even though I seem fairly certain that remaining is quite possibly, m ost likely not the right thing.
indifference
and resentment
in abundance. so much so that it has broken inside of me the place that used to fill with warmth and love so easily
now,
more so a cold and barren vacuous space
nothing helps.
it all hurts and every day I cry.
what a torture.
la vèritè ; the truth
is that I am unhappy, but in all fairness I don't know if I could ever be.
I mean if suddenly the winds changed and the skies parted and all was right in the world would I even believe it? would I even be able to accept it? Or would I ruin it.
soil it.
stain it, until it was just as fucked up and barren as me inside.
does anyone really have the grit to heal - let alone the ability
and what if in all seriousness that is what is happening now and I am fucking it right in it's proverbial ass with all my brokenness?
not knowing is a torture
but isn't knowing too?
Sunday, May 6, 2018
When it rains
I spent last night in the hospital.
It was a normal day like any other, but I think the stress has finally caught up with me. I have been running on fumes for weeks with a mounting pile of stress and things to manage and I was outside playing with my children and watering my plants and I blacked out. I ended up scraping my knee and arm up pretty good and hitting my head, which meant that I would be visiting the hospital.
I hate going to the hospital.
It seemed not busy when I arrived but within minutes the waiting room was filled to the brim and before I know it I had waiting three hours to be seen. After a CAT scan and some X-rays I am no more informed than when I arrived about why I could have passed out. The loaded me up with morphine and cleaned my wounds and sent me home. I slept until noon the next day without waking even once... but hell it was 3 am before I got home.
The ER doctor made some mention that my family doctor may want to do some sort of heart monitor that I wear for a couple of weeks. I hope it's nothing serious... I can't help but worry, considering my mother and grandmother both died from heart complications and my grandmother and grandfather on my fathers side one heart problems and the other stroke. The proverbial deck is stacked against me, it would seem.
My friend lost her Grandmother this week and is in the final trimester of her pregnancy... and I spent most of the evening giving good advice to an old friend's girlfriend. I may have missed my calling as a life coach.
I can rest easy tonight knowing that I have put out more good than I have taken from the world today.
I can tell my youngest was worried as he went to bed and feeling concerned about being separated from me. But the morning will bring a new week and we will need to get back to the grind and work through his school work so that he can finish at the same time as everyone else and enjoy his summer break! Gosh I can't believe it is almost summer break and that my oldest boy will officially be a high schooler next school year. I sit here and think to myself "where has the time gone" and remember where I was in 9th grade, and wonder if I am truly ready for him to be there.
It was a normal day like any other, but I think the stress has finally caught up with me. I have been running on fumes for weeks with a mounting pile of stress and things to manage and I was outside playing with my children and watering my plants and I blacked out. I ended up scraping my knee and arm up pretty good and hitting my head, which meant that I would be visiting the hospital.
I hate going to the hospital.
It seemed not busy when I arrived but within minutes the waiting room was filled to the brim and before I know it I had waiting three hours to be seen. After a CAT scan and some X-rays I am no more informed than when I arrived about why I could have passed out. The loaded me up with morphine and cleaned my wounds and sent me home. I slept until noon the next day without waking even once... but hell it was 3 am before I got home.
The ER doctor made some mention that my family doctor may want to do some sort of heart monitor that I wear for a couple of weeks. I hope it's nothing serious... I can't help but worry, considering my mother and grandmother both died from heart complications and my grandmother and grandfather on my fathers side one heart problems and the other stroke. The proverbial deck is stacked against me, it would seem.
My friend lost her Grandmother this week and is in the final trimester of her pregnancy... and I spent most of the evening giving good advice to an old friend's girlfriend. I may have missed my calling as a life coach.
I can rest easy tonight knowing that I have put out more good than I have taken from the world today.
I can tell my youngest was worried as he went to bed and feeling concerned about being separated from me. But the morning will bring a new week and we will need to get back to the grind and work through his school work so that he can finish at the same time as everyone else and enjoy his summer break! Gosh I can't believe it is almost summer break and that my oldest boy will officially be a high schooler next school year. I sit here and think to myself "where has the time gone" and remember where I was in 9th grade, and wonder if I am truly ready for him to be there.
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