la vèritè

When does it end? 
I mean for real..
It's like the world is continually handing you your ass and you can't catch a break. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I feel like my life is horrible, that is, until I start peeling it out to someone else and they are all like the solution is so simple and then I feel removed from myself, like I am now outside of myself listening to myself talk and thinking to myself will this bitch ever stop making excuses and whining?
I feel like I know what I want but does the disparity of thinking that it simply doesn't exist make me placid and contemptuous?
floating
from one mistake to another and wishing there was some magic recipe to get to a good streak, where everything seems to click but what if the recipe was to just stay put all along and iron the wrinkles out of the mother fucker that is driving you bat shit crazy because he can't seem to dig his head out of his ass or what if you stay put only to find that staying was not only not the thing that you were supposed to do but in fact the thing that sealed your ending?
ugh
I guess the only thing that I am sure that I know is that I don't know... and worse yet, at the end of the day I am just too mentally exhausted to do anything about it and I guess I just feel like what is the point of making a huge change if I don't know for certain that it is the right thing to do - even though I seem fairly certain that remaining is quite possibly, m ost likely not the right thing.
indifference
and resentment
in abundance. so much so that it has broken inside of me the place that used to fill with warmth and love so easily
now,
more so a cold and barren vacuous space
nothing helps.
it all hurts and every day I        cry.
what a torture.
la vèritè ; the truth
is that I am unhappy, but in all fairness I don't know if I could ever be.
I mean if suddenly the winds changed and the skies parted and all was right in the world would I even believe it? would I even be able to accept it? Or would I ruin it.
soil it.
stain it, until it was just as fucked up and barren as me inside.
does anyone really have the grit to heal - let alone the ability
and what if in all seriousness that is what is happening now and I am fucking it right in it's proverbial ass with all my brokenness?
not knowing is a torture
but isn't knowing too?