Reflection

I hate looking back on the past and letting my mind run away with contemplation. I think that nearly everyone has moments where they consider the course of their lives and how they got to the point where they are currently, but I wish that I could just stop myself in my tracks sometimes. I have absorbed, essentially, many traits of people that have filled spaces in my life over the years and I have taken in to my habit scheme their fears, insecurities and inhibitions some how. It's odd how you can fight so hard to be your own person and stand on this firm ground only to find out somewhere along the lines that your rock was merely a shell filled with quicksand. I have always thought that I take the best away from people... That I discovered things in others that enriched me in ways or rounded out my personality in a sense and incorporated them into my life.. It seems however after some reflection that I have taken some bad with the good.
I find myself in a place mentally and emotionally that seems proverbially like a terminal gate at the airport... So many choices of a destination and although I have a clear mindset as to where I would like to end up, I am sitting before these gates, unclear as which to choose to get where I am going. In the real world.. You can easily ask for clear direction and you have at least a shot of getting the desired result, with minimal room for error. I wish it were so cut and dry when making life choices.
I am a worry wart... I always have been.. I most likely always will be. I can't turn my head off and I constantly think and find reason for concern in my life. I feel like I always have so much on my plate and I am pulled at the seems trying to meet all of my obligations and somewhere along the lines I am falling short... Or am I? It's hard to be a parent and know the right path to travel with your children. In addition to worrying about their safety and health, you have to wonder if you are doing the things that will enrich their lives in a positive manor and help them to make choices that will lead to the healthy productive filled with happiness that you wish for them. My Grandmother used to always assure me that that main objective was simply to do the best that you can do and put them first in your life whenever humanly possible. I feel like I do that.... In fact I feel like the greater portion of my goal set is derived from the things that I want to make happen for them or that I feel are necessary to help them grow into responsible adults... I think every parent wants the best for their kids, but it is easy for me to find fault in the way that things go. Sometimes it simply feels like I am beating my head against the wall and getting nowhere with them. They are so headstrong and set into the idea that they can pretend to not know what we have went over a million times and skate away Scott-free. I have to wonder at these times is they are playing dumb with me or if they just didn't pay attention at all... I hear selective hearing is quite common.
It's not just my kids... It is everything.. My family, my job, my health, my home, my relationship... So many factors figure into the whirlwind ransacking my brain. I find myself seeking approval from everyone and wanting to keep the peace and somehow getting lost in the midst. I hear a voice in my head saying "you can't please everyone"... And I feel myself responding sometimes... "I can try" - that can't be healthy - LOL
I took great notice yesterday in the middle of the day that I had taken into myself and seemingly altered my behaviors based on another's criticism of my some many years ago. I looked back to it and thought it odd that I remember fighting that comment so boldly when that person was in my life and seemingly defending my behaviors with rational, well thought out retort and justification... So why then after they were gone did I without notice or coherent thought change this behavior and conform to their criticism? It bothers me greatly that I didn't even notice that I had changed it. I can only conclude that words sit with people. You sink these things into yourself and digest them in such a way that even if you put them totally out of your mind they have a way of staining you and swaying the course of your life.
That worries me...
It causes me to reflect upon other actions in my life and give great scrutiny to my reasoning behind them... OMG do I even know who I am? LOL Once worse... What about the impact that I have on others? I mean I have said and done some pretty messed up shit in my life out of anger and intolerance for others. I admit, I generally try to retract my hate and indifference when my anger or hurt has subsided but I can be a real asshole when the opportunity presents its self. (I'm sorry)
I genuinely want to be a good person, a good mother, a great girlfriend, a model citizen, a treasured friend and heaven help me ... A loving & kind wife on day. I want to be employee of the month, woman of the year and featured business owner of the community. I want a verifiable obituary, filled with amazing truths about the goodness I gave the world and the people who I was lucky enough to have touch my life... It would be great to do all of that and have people actually miss me when that times comes. LOL
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'd have to say that road leads directly to my high-rise condo next to the lake of fire... See you there @ the end of days.

12-1-2010

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to do the right thing and be the best person that you can be, there is always someone waiting to kick you when you are down? It has been a consistent pattern in my life that whenever things are going well... they is always someone there to reap my rewards and put me back under and when I am already down on my luck there is someone who thinks it just isn't low enough and beats me down further. I could sit here for hours and go on about how pissed I am at my kids' father for not getting his shit together and being a dad or paying the tens of thousands of dollars that he owes me for child support... I could go on and on about all the worthless shits that called their selves my friend and asked me for help and though I gave it, they straight kicked me in the teeth and dipped without repaying me; the countless people with the "wimpy syndrome" that always want to borrow something today and promise to pay you back later - yet never do and are right there asking you for help again... It seems I am surrounded by people that want to stand on my shoulders just to watch me drown.. It's always been that way.. DAMN I GOTTA QUIT BEING A BLEEDING HEART!!!
I always thought that if you tried your best to help people in need when you are able that the "good karma" that you are putting out by doing so would come back to you. Yet, in reality it just leaves me with my face hanging out
Yesterday was such a humbling day for me in so many ways... more of a culmination of many events coming to a head. Several times now I have opened the doors of my home to people trying to be a helping hand to them and in turn get some financial relief from the economy that every one seems to be sinking in at the moment. Truth is... None of them realize just how expensive it is to keep them in your home... to feed them and provide for everything... UGH and cleaning up  after them.... frankly they don't give a shit even if they do know... and it is certain that is how they ended up in that situation to begin with. The few "friends" that I helped... well it all seemingly started with good intention and got to a point where it was best just to end it. The nearly 2K that I am out of pocket doesn't matter to them and they have not attempted to pay me a nickel of the money that they promised me. Despite all of that I decided to extend a hand to a family member and let her stay on three separate occasions... the first went off well.. and she paid me the rent that she promised... the second she lived off of us for a week or better and dipped paying us nothing... and the third and final time she burnt that bridge forever... promises, promises, promises... she is the queen of them... " let me smoke all of your cigarettes, I will replace them 10 fold when I get paid" (LIE), "let me eat all of your food... I will buy my own food when I get paid and pay you back for the food that I ate"(LIE), "drive me to work and anywhere else that I want to go... I promise that I will give you gas money", "Take care of my puppy... I will take care of yours when I am home" (yeah right), "let me get this cell phone from you now... I promise that I will pay you for it as soon as I get paid".... it goes on and on... End result she dipped to go back to her "boyfriend" that she cries verbally abuses her and that she plots to cheat on all of the time and gives us &60 and 4 packs of cigarettes and says I shouldn't have even done that? I mean seriously? She shows up demanding her things that we already told her that we were holding until she settled up with us and then refuses to pay us and calls the cops...... hahahhaha! The funniest part was watching the officer make hand gestures near his head... stating " that girl obviously has issues", even a stranger looking in could tell in a single moment that she had things all screwed up. The cop made her give the cell phone back and in return I gave her the belongings that she left here and wrote her off.. if she doesn't pay me back the money that she put me out then she will be a stranger to me. PERIOD
On top of everything else I took my son to the doctor yesterday and they end up sending us back to the other doctor... he has a lump on his neck again and as soon as they discover it - I am in tears... why does this keep coming back.. and I start to wonder if my insurance is good enough for them to really investigate it or am I failing my child some how and they will only stabilize the immediate concern and it will be a continual process to go through. If frustrates me to no end the lack of regard our nation holds for their brothers and sisters...they care more about filling their pockets then saving our nation with realistic results and they cry to us for more and more money that they spend  lining their own pockets... do you think a single one of them would take pay cuts to save families? They keep telling us to see the bigger picture... but in the end do they really even have a plan? Our country needs a serious overhaul.

him

I am learning new things about myself every minute it seems some days. More so I think I am taking notice to things about myself that I never really realized before. It's hard to wake up and face the days that you don't want to; even harder to droll on and hope that one day your life will be the dream that you envision when that dream is constantly evolving. I look back over my life before now and I think of all the times that I thought I knew how my life would be. When I thought I knew exactly what I wanted so completely with my whole heart until I sat there with my face in my hands completely heart broken and blind sided because I was not living life with my eyes open and missed the fact that the people I was pending up my hopes and dreams on were busy with dreams of their own that didn't include me.
I am lucky only in the sense that I think that I have grown from all of that. I learned valuable things along the way. The concern I have is that some how I realize that those instances scarred me in many ways and seemingly jaded the trust that I have for others. It has piled up some how to this multitude of self-defeating relationship behaviors centered around cynicism and mistrust, that may even be powerful enough to bring about behaviors that were never there to begin with and end something beautiful in demise.
I always thought that it was fine just to be that way and keep your guard up... that if the "right" person came along they would understand and be willing to subject themselves through the rigorous line of insecurities because their desire to own your heart is greater than your self-defeating behaviors and they have nothing to hide. Upon reflection I have surmised thinking that is foolish and selfish. It requires them to offer over their whole soul to me without me really putting anything in the middle. Give it all to me; sacrifice everything and I will stand here behind this glass wholly protected, observing but never really living, because I refuse to give you the power to hurt me. But then that is not really living at all is it?
I have been, to many, the voice of reason. They find in me admiration over my ability to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my heart and renew myself with strength... they don't see the brokenness that lay just beneath the surface or the tear-soaked pillow cases from all the mornings I woke alone. I bite those feelings back and put a smile on to be strong for my friends and thought for a long time if I lived the lie that they believed in long enough that one day I would be able to do it without tricking myself. I was wrong.
In the midst of all that "independence", without incept or reason my heart was guided to someone who walked my roads of heartache and suffered much the same as I. A friendship was forged and the magnetic pull of his personality kindled a craving in my heart to have him near me. I loved him before I fully knew him and that is something that I chastised many people before me for. I bathed in his flattery, reveled in his adoration and let him walk away a friend for nearly a year because I gave nothing back. It was mystifying and wholly spectacular to let a little of my heart go to him.. to drip it by the drop-fulls into the pool of his heart and watch the ripple swell into a tidal wave that washed over me. He can say everything to me, saying nothing at all, with the curve of his infectious smile and the gleam of his eyes and I am simply powerless... mesmerized and drawn into the depths of his hold.
Life throws you curve balls and makes things seem unbearable at times. I always marked the storms of life's natural course as the moments when the men in my life would disappear. It's a big step, too big for them to think about, to set aside you own personal issues (everyone has them) and be prepared to face the ills of the world together and grab one another out of the proverbial sink hole of despair that life likes to toss you in... until like a miracle you learn to build a bridge together. He builds a bridge with me everyday and it's amazing to know that he will be there forever and not because he promised to, but because it is evident in the things he is doing and the choices that he tries to make with me. Not that either of us don't have our days where we are dousing that bridge in gasoline and holding the matches to burn it to the ground, but we always have each other to be there and blow out the flames. Somehow it makes us stronger. I think the key to almost any indifference in a relationship is knowing that the you are not the only person in it that doesn't want to give up and that you as well as them can always recall why they loved you so much to begin with.
No one said love was easy. When the gloves come off and things get real, you'll know if it is love or not for sure.
I feel fortunate to wake beside him in the mornings, to see the soft light creep through the window and dance along his eyelashes as his chest gently rises and falls beneath the catacombs of our fluffy down comforter. It's such a treasure to whisper I love him as I sweetly kiss the stubble upon his cheek and even though I think him to be in the deepest sleep ever, to hear him groggily respond " I love you too ".
I have always said that I am not a fortune teller and though I can only dream a future, that even if it ends poorly that I would rather have had the moments we shared in love... the memories that we made strung together like beads of rain drizzled along the daisy chain of our lives and have them to dangle in the sunshine of my memories and revel in the rainbow that they cast.
Sticking my neck on the chopping block is something that I have never been really good at. Giving someone all of your heart and not holding a piece of it back is in turn giving them the whole ability to destroy you if they so choose and trusting that they won't is the hardest thing you may ever bring yourself to believe. Once you know the sting of heartache; it is a pain that you will never forget, I can equal it only to razor sharp shards of glass coursing your veins while a mountain of lead sits upon your chest. To believe that you will live, despite that pain, seems unfathomable, and even though you manage; you never really forget. Heartache does something to you that is unimaginable. You find faults in yourself and no matter how you protested the angry words demeaning your character; some of that seeps inside of you and stays with you in a way forever changing your perception of yourself. I never really realized that before now about myself. I have noticed it in others during the course of our relationship and thought to myself, "I wish that I could have met them before someone broke their heart so badly and loved them then". They couldn't help it, and maybe didn't even notice it to be just that.
It was hard to realize that I did that too. It is a struggle everyday to try to push past it and take away only the lessons from the past without all the skepticism. I am glad that someone understands this emotion, that they've lived it; and mostly that he's able to forgive it.
With my whole heart I want to give him the love that I want for myself. I want to soak up all that his heart has to offer me and wring it back out upon him. I look in his eyes and I can feel the world around us melt away sometimes... what a feeling it is to be lost but know exactly where you are going all at the same time.
Many years ago, I had said that I never wanted my children to have a "step-parent"; especially one that had children of their own. I took from my own experiences as a child that they could never love them as much as their own children. I rethink that nearly every day. He is a wonderful parent... I fear far better than I could have ever aspired to be. He is firm but fair and wholly consistent. They boys needed him so much more than he could ever know. He looks them in the face and promises them that he will be here forever; and I think for once they actually believe him. He flourishes where I fail them; where I break or give in, he is a pillar; I am learning so much about being the parent that I always wanted to be. My heart grows in the moments that we are together as a family.. all snuggled up for a movie or laughing & being silly. It's a feeling of wholeness I cannot fully express, and it is easy sometimes to forget that we did not create these lives together.
I think we are all learning to be less of the "I" mentality and more accustomed to being a team unit. Could it be real that I can finally put to rest the fear that my children would not know the stability of a home life that I always wanted for myself with two strong-minded, responsible, loving parents>?
I love this man with my whole heart. I am learning to let go for him a little more each day. I catch myself staring at the way the line of his shirt falls upon his neck, the blur of his lashes encasing his eye.... the whirl of his hair & the weight of his hand in mine. I lose myself in the crook of his arm, ear pressed to his heart as his fingers relocate the locks of my hair with the precision of a sculptor. The warm honey softness of his kiss, the scent of his skin and the chirp of his laughter... a comfort, an addiction that is ever-burning for him. I can only pray that I will be the keeper of his heart wholly for always.
I could melt away into oblivion with this man... he's right; our hearts mirror each other... and I gaze in awe at the union that is we. I love you <3

The Official 'I hate Jen' Club

This blogs continues to grow... check it often

i WANTED TO START THIS BLOG OFF WITH AN EARLIER POST FROM MY MYSPACE ACCOUNT - SO ALL YOU HATING ASS BITCHES KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD!!

 Thursday, June 21, 2007
 

The Official I hate Jen Club...KISS MY ASS BITCHES!
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Writing and Poetry

I am so sick of the so-called inlaws and their bullshit! I had somewhere to go tonight with my Uncle, and so Mark stayed with the kids at the house, which is good since it was nearly dinner time for them. When I returned to my home, I wanted to use the phone and noticed that Mark's mother had called my home.. I said to him "oh, your mom called, what did she want"... thinking that she might have actually called to book the Pampered Chef party that she promised that she would and has been blowing off...but oh no....that would be too much like right.

He tells me right away that he can not talk to me about it right then and that he doesn't want to discuss it in front of the children.. now, at this point I just know that I am gonna be pissed...(FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!! I AM SO FUCKING MAD!!!). So I turn on some cartoons for my boys and grab them a Shrek yogurt and head out the back door with Mark, who proceeds to tell me in not so many words that his mother thinks that Jaylon (my oldest son - who is 3 BTW) is a "BAD" child, who"CONTROLLS OUR LIVES" and that she and her husband do not want him in their house because "HE DOESN"T LISTEN" and that she thinks that we are "BAD PARENTS" because we swear around our child (NOT AT HIM>>>>JUST IN HIS GENERAL LISTEN RANGE). She downright called my 3 yr old ABUSIVE and UNRULY...

She further criticizes the content of my myspace page, and the fact that I did not kiss her royal asshole and my youngest sons' 1st birthday party this last Saturday! A simple gesture of thanks is never enough for this friggin cunt! I cannot take it anymore!!!!!!!!! I am gonna go postal on this bitch.. just last year she called my son fat, and there are numerous other accounts since I have known her son...to hear his family tell it I am the devils daughter... I mean once the bitch actually asked my father , who lives in Las Vegas, and is very ill... what kind of parents I must have had. I can hardly believe that I even have to put up with this shit anymore.. I think that I might slap this bitch in the face if she ever grew enough balls to say this shit to my face. I am so offended and hurt ever time I hear the shit that comes out of her mouth.

I will never be able to make this bitch happy, if I am nice..then I am being FAKE (fake?? this bitch talks shit about me behind my back and then approaches me with hug in my presence!)

If I stick up for myself, then I am attacking her.

If I am quiet and ignore the bullshit, then I am plotting against them, or I am a stuck up bitch who won't give them a chance.

I wonder what I am if I kick the shit out of that fucking ho... HAPPY? finally??? lmao

The worst part is not that she hides behind the phone to ram her opinion down your throat, but that she is always bending an ear to fill up registration for the OFFICIAL I HATE JEN CLUB....1000 strong and growing every day... I am proud to say that I really don't give a fuck!!!! and I hope that sloppy, fat bitch reads this shit..hell I'd be happy to make a copy for her...she needs to go get fucked and chill out.. stop trying to step on my back all the time. I can't believe that she is that fucking jealous of me.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I wish that she would just fill up with all the hate that she throws out in the world and fucking die!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
okay now for an addition -
Haters Unite!!
This goes out to all the skank ass hoes that try to covet what is mine - you try your best to step in between me and what i love and I am telling you  - that you better tread lightly because I am vile and unsympathetic to your plight when you are coming into my yard!
I am sick of receiving your emails - shouts and altogether retarded commentary! BACK THE FUCK OFF!
You want to tell me how he talks to you - what he says to you - because you are stupid enough to think that he gives a shit about you - well I am here to tell you once and for all the HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU - and just because he took pity on your pathetic ho-ho smuggling ass, don't come hating on me because I own his heart! - Infact why don't you  get you stank stupid ass back over on the couch with your chips, dip and springer before I help you to LIMP there?
It really is a sad a sorrowful thing that you could read so much into a little internet boredom and actually think that you have something going for you!
Grow up
I swear the next stupid ass cunt that sends me some shit telling me about him - I will search your mutha fucking IP and shut you down -!
As for all the whining ass, cock smuggling, back woods, anal retentive bitches who wanna mark my photos, mumms and otherwise NSFW - don't make me laugh - fear holds you in like a fucking prisoner - are you really that fucking offended my free thought and expression? Why don't you get off the fucking internet and go back in the bathroom - break down that razor and rip open a vein? Do the world a favor and chill the fuck out, you non-pussy getting poindexter  - you and your mash potato bodied , fatty counterpart need to suck my fucking asshole dry. This is not fucking friendstar!
Then there is always the needy ass bitches that expect your every fucking breath to be spent on them - ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?????????!!! You get mad at me because I have a life outside the internet and can't respond to you when you are bored, sad and lonely? - Get a fucking job and/or a hobby for that matter and one that doesn't include you crawling inside my asscrack to see what I had for breakfast two days ago. I really am fed up wit your sniveling ass always trying to lay a guilt trip on me - you need counseling? go get the shit - I am here to have fun not to hear how your fucking wife left you because she caught you jacking off to my pictures while listening to my set in Hellbillies Hideout! Do I really need to post a disclaimer on my page? I could give a fuck less if your dog has fleas, your girlfriend doesn't want your limp-dick ass or she's fucking your neighbor, Bottom line I have problems of my own and I am not your fucking psychologist - PSYCHO!
Furthermore, quit telling me how I should meet up with you and fuck your brains out - my pussy is all tied up right now with the love of my life or can't you read? Quit sniffing my panties and acting like a homeless bum in line at the soup kitchen!

HATE ON BITCHES - I AM HERE AND i AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

UPDATE 2009~
Just when you think there is a halt on membership another jealous emo fuckwad adds them self to the roster!
I wanted to take the time to thank the jealous fat whore that pales in my shadow for giving my telephone number out on a local hook-up line where she lives!!! WOOOOHOOO! that was original! I don't know what you were hoping to accomplish with such an action but it was barely a mild annoyance to me... see guys don't like it when they hear the words "police" & "charges"... and I will be happy to extend this curtsey to you if you divulge any more of my personal information. I cannot help it that when you took the pepsi challenge with me that you lay defeated in a pile of dust. Perhaps if you wasn't such a hobag it would have been easier to spy your interests. Basically... people will eat the fingered sandwich if they are hungry and have no options but when they have a choice they are gonna choose the meal with a nice presentation.
I have no control over that.
I never understood women getting mad at the girl who is oblivious to what you had or thought you had - this is some dumbass shit! She didn't make a promise to you - she didn't ... but in THIS case I speak of - neither did HE.
I want to be a total jerk about it - but I can't ... I know what it feels like to chase someone who is chasing another - it happened once when I was alot younger - but you know what you get over it!
Worse things have happened
and life goes on.... if it is not a pride thing and you really gave a shit about that person - why not try being happy for them instead of pulling down your panties to squat over their cheerios!
HATE ME TODAY!!!!!!!! YER MAKING ME INFAMOUS!!!!!!!

7-25-2010

I am.
There's an overpowering bewildering and wholly addicting quality about
you.. thoughts of the sedation of your kiss.. the gravity in your smile
and the way your wiles intoxicate and permeate me from distances and
raise me to heights that make even the very heavens enviousI linger in the sway  of your tone... it resounds with bountiful echos
through the hallows of my heart and floods it with a splash of comfort
and knowing... and I amfalling with and yet somehow without, you are amazing indeed a treasure
and I am blessed in every instance that I am graced with your silk-spun
sweetly seductive eloquently romantic prose and like the dew that kisses
sweetly the petals in a rose garden in the earliest hour of dawn, my eye
glitters and gleams with a purity and contentment of a newborn child..
and I amcomforted at the thought of walking the world with you arm in arm amidst
my dreams... in scenes and scenarios that I will retrace with curvy
smirks as I stir my morning coffee and sigh that I am.

My date with the Pumpkin King

You ever just know when you meet someone that they will always be special to you? I like to think that I am very observant of the people that by fate seemingly enter my life and touch it, almost unknowingly in ways that I cannot fully express, even as it unfolds before my eyes. I like to think that every single person you encounter has some sort of purpose in your life and that they are placed there for a very specific reason. I mean to say, it could be something so simple as a kind word or a shared smile or something much more intense... you just have to be open to it. I think that some people you can see this about right away and it is so obvious that you have no choice but to abandon your course and cleave them to you, others you have to look a little deeper ... and maybe give yourself over to the idea that maybe you are indeed the one touching their life and swaying the course of their existence.
I knew when I met David that he would always be special to me. Amazingly I knew it from the very first moment that I heard him breathe words to me. My eyes glistened and my heart raced and I was simply beside myself and overwhelmed with all that is this man. His words flowed like wine to me and I quickly became drunk off of this mystical anomaly that was before me. I had never in my life met someone that was so much like me... I never even believed, though I had spent a great many years wishing for just that, that it could even exist; yet here he was and I was like a child with stars in my eyes... in total awe at all that he is.
You know those moments where you stand just frozen and listen to someone speak... as if to be sinking every word that leaps from their lips and every moment they make deep inside of your memory banks. You never want to forget the way that they looked, they way the light touched their face, the pitch of their voice, the weight of their body as it fills the spaces in your heart. He is filled with wonderful ideas... a dreamers heart that is over-flowing with the magic many lose as children. It is nothing less then amazing to watch him in motion, so passionate as he articulates his vision in a surely well thought out and detailed fashion. It is truly awe inspiring to see someone expose themselves to you just the way that you know they were meant to be. They are not hiding, they are standing there arms outstretched shouting "World!!! TAKE ME AS I AM!!", and you are the fortunate soul that gets to witness it up close: a blessing indeed.
Solidarity makes the world seem vacant and closed to a dreamer. Creative souls are ever seeking an intertwinement with one another... a muse if you will. They feed off the energy of one another and instead of being outcasts and freaks; it suddenly makes sense. I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason. People are beset before you for very specific reasons... you may never fully know their purpose. Bad or good, you are to basically learn something from every person that you encounter. If they leave your life and you take away nothing then you have failed not only them, but you are failing yourself. Would it not be better to keep yourself open to it and gather what you can into yourself? I think with nearly every person that I encounter has built me into the person that I am today... little pieces of these people carry on through me and have been molded into the woman that sits before you. I find it completely amazing and breath-taking that another person was spawned into existence that is so much like me... we had completely different experiences, different family, different friends and different everything... but we ended up the same? How magical is that? It seems so insane. I love it! I am amazed every moment and speechless more than I ever imagined possible.
I stare in awe at David all of the time. I laugh at him a lot and smile, perhaps more than I have my entire life. It's good to joke with someone who gets your humor.. to dance lyrically in their ballroom even if all you can muster at moments is 'word salad"... but for them to know things about you instantly and be so in tune with who you are on even the deepest most hidden and unspoken level, simply because they know this very thing about their own self. He's doing it right now... I know it is driving him crazy that I am sitting here writing this as he is in the other room and has no idea what I am putting down here. Only moments before I was wrapped all up in the conversation that we had as we stood in the middle of his kitchen.
David's kitchen is not necessarily a typical kitchen by any means. I mean it has the same things as any other kitchen but it is filled, as is most of his apartment, with Halloween decorations, star wars and comic book heroes.. and little oddities that he has collected to study on his own little scientific or artistic adventure. We had gotten on the topic of seeds and about how things grow and as we feed off each other in this conversation David says that he would love to collect pumpkin seeds and travel about planting random pumpkin patches everywhere.. I giggle at his greatness and jokingly call him David Pumpkinseed (like Johnny Appleseed) and he smoothly corrects me with a cool smile on his lips and says "the Pumpkin King" I am in glazed over wonderment. I mean why not? He could. It would be GREAT!!! I am wholly delighted and instantly inspired to document the pinnacle moment that the notion was conceived and by whom. 
It is an atrocity that many people don't know the greatness that is this man. I mean I am glad, in a wholly selfish way, that they don't get it and that I do, but what a crime I feel it to be that his talent, insight and creativity and hidden from the masses on whatever spectrum.
I am the lucky one.
I will know him my whole life, I mean how could I ever walk away from my other self? lol
ahhh ... a date with the Pumpkin King...*sigh* I always wanted to be royalty.

feelings 1-20-2010

9:30 AM 1/20/2010
There are a million things I could talk about today - but my head is swarmed with thought and although I wish I could focus - I am so distracted and confused I don't know how to find my center.
I spent the latter portion of the evening tossing and turning... I was cold and worse I couldn't shut my brain off. I kept telling myself that in bed when I am supposed to be sleeping is not the appropriate time to ponder my existence but my head wouldn't listen. I looked like 'the thinker' for the greater portion of the day before that and I contemplated doing something mindless for even the slightest distraction.
I was in a generally decent mood most of yesterday despite the gaping whole in my heart. I am trying to be the big girl here... but occasionally hurt feelings don't allow me that luxury.. at least no one has to wonder what is on my mind. right?
I think one day people will look back and read all of these things I wrote and wish that they played a different role in my life. Maybe they will see the true meaning behind them and actually crawl into my crowed but cozy mind.
I feel like trying to be the best person that I can be has gotten me nowhere that I wanted to be. Just once it would be a treasure for someone to want to give me the world and actually come thru. I am not one of those people that knows what I want..seeks it.. only to get it and want more. I raise my hands to the heavens nearly every day and shout " ENOUGH ALREADY ".
I had comforted myself many times with the thought that all that I have suffered or endured was simply trials put in my place so that I would wholly appreciate the payoff at the end, yet life moves quickly and gets away from you fast and I often feel like a roach scattering when the light clicks on.
I am tired of standing on the sidelines with my head held high pretending that everything is alright in my world because people cannot bear the thought of me suffering and they just want to hear about the joys, though few that I cherish. I feel like everyone has bad days... that's no crime... it's reality. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for the ills that life lends you, no matter how many walls you build they always seem to sneak up on you and shred your dignity when you least expect it.
I want to heal... restore and renew and I don't want to do it alone. I am not afraid to say to anyone that I need a hand to hold, it is a fairly obvious fact. I honestly feel that with the love and unconditional support of someone I could face anything that crosses my path and be able to smile in the morning. I get over things very quickly because I shove them out of my life. My answer to the things that pain me, has been for many years, to simply extinguish them altogether. Not a perfect plan.. but sometimes the ' Band-Aid ' is all you need to be able to move on and let the wound heal. I mean think about it... all wounds heal in time... some just require a little more care than others. Still, that being said.. no matter the wound.. the medical resolution is generally to close the wound, cover it and move on... why can't that be the case for psychological wounds as well? I know it still hurts.. but if you sit there and pick at it - it will seemingly never wholly heal...not without a nasty scar anyway.
I am the biggest hypocrite of my own philosophies on most days. In my defense, I would have to say that I evaluate every situation on an individual basis and not try to have a cookie cutter response for everyone. Sometimes the logical, easy solution is one that your heart simply cannot bear to go through. I mean you burn your hand on the stove you don't think..."oh.. imma touch that burner everyday when it is fiery red and one day I won't get burnt..." you know that it is going to burn every single time, thus is the same with love in relationships. Your heart allows you to forget the pain... the fact that it heals allows you the bravery to be bold and sometimes... just sometimes you beat your head against the wall a million times expecting a different result because you want it so very badly.
Where do feelings come from anyway?
Who decided to describe them?
We struggle to put all these labels and explanations to things that sometimes our feeble minds cannot simply fathom or comprehend. I try to serve my feelings up on a silver platter to people. I want them to know the thoughts that are swimming through my mind like plague-filled fish. I want to pull them in to the experience that is me and leave nothing unsaid or unspoken. I guess I am selfish in not wanting to have regrets.
Taking care of my elderly Aunt has been a life-altering experience for me in multitudes of ways. Though very stressful and heart-wrenching at times it has taught me some very important things...
1) LIFE IS SHORT AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, IT PASSES YOU BY
I listened to her talk a lot about the regrets that she had as she sat seemingly alone - surrounded by the emptiness that a selfish greedy life had provided her. She said something to me one day that I will never forget.. "Getting old is a terrible thing girl.. don't make the same mistake as me... live everyday like it is your very last and don't let anyone keep you from the things that you need to make yourself whole... life goes by way too quick and you never have the amount of time that you think you do...and it never ends quite like you have imagined". How sad this was to me to hear.
2) IF YOU PUSH EVERYONE AWAY.. ONE DAY THEY WILL REALLY ALL BE GONE
Sometimes it is more important to mend things NOW! Everyone touches your life for a reason and if you burn those bridges it is near impossible to walk them later. Hurt people, and when you need them most they just might not be there. I knew for many years that she wasn't the easiest person to deal with and that her kindness was often sparse. She cared very little about the needs and feelings of others and when she wanted them near her the most they were nowhere to be found, in fact, I am the only person that would even tolerate her. (more evidence that I am a glutton for punishment sometimes).
3) BEING OLD SUCKS!
There was/is nothing worse than watching an old person go through the motions of life and slowly losing control. Your mind and body wear out when you don't lose them and of course age makes that battle harder and harder. As annoying as it could be to have to repeat myself a thousand times or run a million errands - I realized at the end of the day how frustrating it must be for her to not be able to hear or understand what I am saying or to be capable of doing all the things that she once enjoyed doing herself. This is a woman that loved to get in her car and drive... and she would go everywhere! This is a woman that loved to shop and sight-see and now she was grounded to her home essentially. I would try to take her places but those of you that have children know that you cannot keep them in the car forever without a melt-down. Sometimes all she wanted to do is sit in the Mc Donalds parking lot and watch the traffic go by. (something that her and my Great Great Uncle used to do when he was still living). I did it many times... We would sit there in silence and she would have this blank stare on her face i would think to myself... maybe she is not watching the traffic at all but simply envisioning within a daydream the way that she remembered things. Dementia setting in for her was a real endearing thing. As badly as I have wanted to leave this house a million times I felt so guilty for wanting to do so. I couldn't imagine the thought of a stranger coming in and knowing that her mind and memory was failing her - how easy it would be for them to take advantage of her. I have never been able to knowingly put someone in harms way. I knew instantly that I never want to experience this.
All in all I doubt that most people understand my reasoning for things. The sense of urgency I feel for wholeness and fulfillment in my life. The need to nurture, love and care with all that I am despite the limitations it besets me.
Life is hard, but it is a gift and best treated as a limited time offer.
Love is agonizing although necessary and very rewarding
at the same time.
In the end memories are the only thing that you can take with you and you will have to fight to hold on to them with all you are.

Relationship Timelines

I am so sick of fighting a losing battle.I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you fight... no matter how tightly you walk the line some things are just determined to be doomed to failure.
Relationships are supposed to be a happy event ...filled with milestones and easily obtained goals that strengthen and bind you to one another. I always believed this with all of my heart and get let down. I have spoke many times about how I feel it such an injustice that we raise our daughters on fairytales where this dashing prince comes to the rescue of the perilous princess and sweeps her away from all the iniquity in her life in as little as 15 pages. We instill so early on these unrealistic expectations and somehow it is ingrained so deeply into the little girl heart that we have that as women we find nothing but heartache.
I am a product of unrealistic thinking and a dreamers heart. I want to be wholly loved and swept away - fleeting the heartache I feel and sugar-coating it with pralined butter cream instances strung together on candy hearted ribbons with that someone special.
I always think that being faithful, wholly devoted and supportive will spawn this behavior - but it doesn't; perhaps I am just destined to be alone my whole life.
I have never been good at waiting in lines or anticipating surprises. I always kind of take things as they go because sometimes it is just better to have something that seems so perfect for a little while then to never have really had it at all.
I look at other people I know and think them lucky. Even if they are moderately unhappy - they are essentially not alone... they have someone to turn to... someone to laugh with and someone that is willing to face the ugliness of the world holding their hand. Why can't I feel safe like that? Why can't I feel like I will not be abandoned when the going gets tough?
I hate to argue. I hate the viscous ugly words that are forefront in the midst of anger. I hate trying to be the calm one and barely making it sometimes. There is always that moment when I argue with someone that I love that I think to myself - I would love to just reach out and hug them... would it end the bickering?? But I am always so afraid that if I do just that I will be pushed away and it will enrage me.
I am the one that will tell you to go and fully expect you to stay. I want you to believe in our love so much that the thought of walking out the door and letting it wither and die is something that you don't think that you could bare. I want you to hear the despair in my voice... and feel the ache in my heart as you look at me with angry eyes and cut me with sharp words... and I want you to hold me and remind yourself why you love me to begin with instead of trying to find excuses to walk away.
Then men in my life always leave.
My father left.
My step-father left and took the family I called mine for 12 years with him.
... and countless others till this day... It is no hard search to come to the reality of why I would fear your fleeting. Of why promises of return hold no water with me and why accepting defeat is something that I am used to.
I don't claim to be anything that I am not. I am a mere shadow of a women that wears a smile on my best days. I always hope for the facade to someday over power the brutal reality... but then I seriously wonder if anyone can carry that basket.
I don't need a perfect life... I don't fool myself in to believing that it is even attainable. I want the bad times - if we can face them arm in arm and shoulder to shoulder. After a long bewildering day all I want to do is curl up next to you and feel safe. To know deep in my heart that you are there to stay and not going to leave me to figure it all out on my own.
I have made a mockery of this thing called life for many years. I have known much sadness and heartache and I have always sprung back from it thinking that "oh well - it is what it is and I will recover" but my patience are growing quite thin. My heart is not the only heart that breaks when things fall to pieces. As badly as I sit here and know to the very core of my soul that I need stability and dependability in my life I see it in the faces of my sons. They hunger for something perhaps I am doomed not to obtain. It sickens me that I grasp so tightly to try to make something be only to feel at times like it is water flowing through my hands. If I cannot harness it for myself - how can I ever dream it for them?
It's not enough for me to hear you love me if you can't bear to weather the storm with me. It's not enough for me to pent up hope in dreams into something that seems so far off from reality. How do you know if it is real? Can you touch it, taste it... feel it? If it vanishes at your darkest moments is it really lucid?
I want to reach for your hand when I fall, and not grasp at only a promise. I want to... more so I need to.
It's really hard for me to understand someone that pulls you close only to hold you at a distance. It's hurtful and often cruel in fact to ride the wave of emotions and get crushed in the tsunami of indecision when you are fighting so hard to hold their hands and surf. I will never understand separatist thinking inside of a solitary unit. I want to be a team and there is no "i" in team. I have been preaching that to the choir for sometime now and realized upon closer inspection that there is in fact an "i" in unity; something that I also desire greatly.
I have no real problem with individuality in a relationship - I actually believe it to be a cornerstone to survival. It's the "i" thinking that I cannot bear. I mean you have to have an identity inside of any union but it's my belief that you should want to play for the team.
I wear a heavy heart as I retreat sadly from all the things that I hoped to obtain. I feel like I got bad directions from MapQuest and have traveled so close to my destination that I can see it - only to find that the road I was traveling was under demolition, leaving me no other option but to turn around. It is a painful and heart-wrenching ordeal.
I am trying to pull up my big girl panties and believe in the wonderment of love. I am trying to be strong and understanding. I am trying to look at this hiccup as something that could be positive and still take nothing away from the excitement and wholeness I once felt in the safety of his arms.
I admire people that can smile in the face of adversity and keep a positive mental attitude. It seems funny for me to say that considering that I am the one that jokingly commented hundreds of times that I would like to stamp the toes of the overly-happy person and bring them down off their cloud. It's not that I ever want to be the person that rains on some ones parade; just simply that I have never really been able to revel in true happiness ... it seems it is always the calm before the storm and so I find myself being the person that is waiting for the bomb to drop.
I need the up to my down the left to my right the Ying to my yang and without reservation or abandon I need them to encapsulate me with a love whole and true and downright ravenous. I need to have something more than an empty doorway and a cold pillow that your scent lingers upon. I need to have some assurance that tomorrow will come and not just because you say that it will... not just because you promise it. Words hold little weight when so much has already be stolen from them. You can only make so many promises that you don't keep before people think you are crying wolf.  The thing is with all my heart I want to believe so badly. My friends think I am insane for that - they think I should turn and run with all that I got and never look back. They think I am getting played and playing the fool. It sickens me a little to have so little control over the course of my happiness. In disgust I raise my hands to the sky and cry out... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!!!! lol... I guess I am worse than the person that smiles in the face of adversity haha.