Deconstruction of a Prom Queen

a tiny tiera graces her head
manicured fingers and congradulations said
the flawless smile
the angelic face
the perfectly tanned body
no competition found to date
society fed her
their stereotypical ideas
of how to look
dress,
and how to feel
every day she looks in the mirror and
flaws she finds
and must make perfect in time
"eat less and you'll be fine"
outwardly she appears to be the queen
inside she's still
just an empty me
the scale becomes
a daily obsession
she must be perfect there is no question
her friends and family
they do not see
the battle within
the deconstrucion of the queen
she hungers
yet she does not nourish
lies and excuses
spawn and flourish
"please make me what he wants me to be"
"i feel so fat"
"just let me be"
her body grows weak
and is dying a little
the rat race ends
in the hospital
they teach her to see
through the lying mirrors
to walk away from obsessions
and her psychological fears
many years pass
and she's different somehow
no expectations
and now...
no crown
the scales disappear
and all the full length mirrors
she heals they think
but the fear is still near
"will someone love me?"
"have i let myself go?"
"how can i be perfect, if I have no control?"
one day comes along
a new love with a limit
the worries begin
and her whole heart is in it
the need to be flawless
she sees once again
"i'll eat less"
"i'll lose a few pounds"
"he's not gonna love me...
if i get round"
outwardly people think she's on top
yet inside
she's torn
will she ever stop?

addicted to you

love
real love
that defeats the boundries of space and time
love that lasts forever
unconditional;
hard to find
head racing with thoughts of hearts intertwined
skipping a beat
when we speak
and the world fades around us
only you and i exist
could it be real?
don't wake me if i'm dreaming
don't want to be sad and alone
fists of rage and inside screaming
kiss me again
my heart swoons and soars
till i'm breathless
dying a little
still begging for more
touch my hand
let my senses become all that you are
the warmth of your touch
the aching i feel
the hurt and the heartache
if this can't be real
needing and pleading
and searching your eyes
sinking deeper in desire
subsisting on this man of mine
ears filled with the beat of your heart
with the whisper of your sweet words
drunk on the fire in my heart that you burn
wrap me in your arms
lose sight of our seperateness
tangled and intertwined
mangled and meshed with forgetfullness
make me gasp
make me hunger
i'm greedy when it comes to you
never leave me lonely
envelope
consume
anger
excite
renew
swept with ceaseless, undying passion
addicted to you

The Caged Bird

it's not fair!
i scream in rage
that i be cooped up
in this cage
not free to fly
off in the sky
and run into your arms
fall prey to all your charms
i have to be without you
why?!
i know naught
this is true
day after day i ponder
still i haven't got a clue
your life is there
and mine is here
the path that unites us
still remains unclear
each day we share
though from afar
and wish upon
the falling stars
to find a way
into each others hearts
and one day be together
and hopefully forever
both broken and beaten
and yearning for fate
hope we figure it out
before it's too late
so i know why
the caged bird sings
her heart is lost
without her lovers beat
and so she cries out
to the night
free my lover
and set him in flight.

mission possible

tied down and helpless
prey to my charms
wicked submission
and never no harm
let me kiss and
delight you
tease
and excite you
a devilish confection
whip cream
drips from your erection
a taste
of heaven for my tongue
let me lick
and nibble
fingers wander a little
you're almost there
but im not done
i feel you tremble
and hear you moan
so real and exciting
a fire igniting
my body you own
i wanna feel you inside me
you beg " please untie me"
and now i know it's on
im so wet with desire
i ache for your fire
the heat we'd create
you feel so good
im so weak
your so strong
you fuck me so right
and all night long
we bathe in the ecstacy
our desires envision
and live all our fantasies
orgasm; our mission

gimme that, goodbye

tears in your eyes
as i walk away
done
and over it
nothing left to say
moving on is easy
for the one who chose to leave
you feel what it is to lose, now
and you want to hold on to me
i don't think you ever were in love
you found it easy to be cruel
but now you are so sweet and kind
now that we are through
you plead and beg everyday
for me to take you back
you even got down on one knee
as if I'd agree to that
you can't step on someone
for years upon years
until the finally let go
only to beg them to hold on tight
and try to make them your own
when it's over
it's really over
there can be no turning back
just move on
and let me be
if you "love" me
gimme that

True Story

straight -faced with crooked conversation you abstain from lifting even the inflection of your tone to comfort or console until it melds into something that makes mutes of us both
the silence is deafening but far less brutal then the space in between that eats at my peace and increases my need and desire for the love that I know in you still I haven't got a clue not a single rhyme or reason why our promises might flail like a bird with broken wings
and yet it seemed
that the door has closed and you are pressing your fingers to it to keep me out to stop me from helping and on the other side I sit crying and yelping and pleading and praying to be your honey balm to the burn the cruel cold black sun left upon you
your pride makes you think that it is you that needs saving and so you flatly and boldly refuse - OPEN open your eyes hear my sighs of discontent and fear and abandon naught the love in me that you so easily seen and grasped with a clutch of a giant tho meek and sweet and coy in my presence
you are mighty
and fierce
and strong
it is i who are weak and lay in waiting - isolated, longing and yearning for
YOU
true story
Like

live without love

Why?
Why do people say that they love you
only to tear you apart
only to break you down
everyday
everyday
everyday
words like razor blades
to shred
and tear away your happiness
and they delight
all the while
like a child
it's a trap
an endless cycle
and you long..
long... for release
and you need..
need to be free
but you're bound
and chained
to the hatred
that they breathe
the air they pollute
and you gasp
and grasp
at the thought of escape
an end to your pain
rescue me you scream
save me you pray
don't abandon me
i am dying inside
but I am not dead
I need a hero
to release this poison from my head
to heal
to love
to show me something new
I am looking for a miracle man
could he be you?

First Family Vacation (Part 1)

I had waited for this vacation to come for 3 months now... the time when we first began to plan it with much excitement in our hearts and minds. I had dreamed about the day when I would be welcomed open arms to my, now husbands family, for over 18 years... sometimes it seems like a dream. I fight the urge to be less of myself and to hold back... because I don't want to seem fake or unrreal.. but then whey too many times in my life being me.. has been whey too much for anyone to bear. I think about all the people that I have interacted with in my life thus far and I begin to wonder when there all have went. It seems that radically we are an ever-evolving social species and that we discard people and cling to the ones that share our new direction in life?
I ended a 20 year friendship this year. I made a lot of changes. It was a labor to let go of her, and I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I should actually commit to it or not. I mean after all 20 years is a lot of time investment to just throw it all away like that. In the end I concluded that it must be done. She was constantly trying to drag my marriage over the coals because her own was suffering and she was a selfish friend. Looking back on the whole incident now.. I can't even think of why we were friends at all. She was the kind of person that would always one better you.. if you had 10, she had 12. If you liked it but couldn't afford it... she'd buy it just to dangle it in your face. ( I know right??)
So it brings me to the point where we are right now. I am o n vacation with my husband and tow children and we are visiting his mother and step-father and father's side of the family. We were received well even though I was very nervous and most of the time I have felt very at ease. It is easy to overlook minor indifference and I am trying to keep the peace and have a happy visit but seriously am I the only person that tallies that shit in my head and holds record of it ? It's like I can instantly recall it. Maybe that isn't a good thing.
Let me first say that it was a very long drive to come here especial the first week of July with no air conditioning in my husbands car. I thought before we ever made it here that I was going to die of heat exhaustion. It was horrible the minute that we would get something cold to drink we would suck it down and get freeze headaches.. but set it aside for even a couple minutes and it felt like it was on fire. You know that you are getting dehydrated when you drink a half gallon of water and don't have to pee!
The first couple days of being here went fairly smooth and without incident... but then yesterday was a fucking fiasco!! and that is an understatement.  I have seen people have "episodes" before and I know all the stereotypes about morhter-in-laws, but holy cow! This lady flipped the FN script yesterday. All of the Aunts had gotten up early and went to pick berries and the men went over to fix this garden platform... I went with the men as I had no epi-pen with me and surely there would be bees at the berry patch. They returned a couple of hours later to the same location that we were at and they and lunch still followed. You could tell that her whole demeanor had changed. The car the children I had ridden over there in was now to be chauffered by her. I didn't think anything of it and I turned on my kindle and was tolerating all the pumps of the gas peddle and the sudden brakes. All I could think is "ugh, women drivers" but then I am a women and I can frickin drive very well... I ignored it mostly until she went off the road a couple of time and then I began to pay attention. She later ran over a median & nearly took out a mailbox.. I couldn't believe they let her on the road. UGH! When we got home it was obvious that she was completely annoyed with the children... even though they were being well behaved she was tripping out on them about the littlest of things. She had made a big deal about the volume of the television on 4 seperate occasions within a 10 minute period, when in fact the volume of the television had not changed at all. I began to feel mildly agitated and began recalling in my mind all the events of the previous couple of days and so I began to sigh a bit and make an attempt at calming myself before I blew my stack. Just then, my husband and his father arrive home and start talking about dinner for that night which they had planned would be pizza. My husband had suggested that we only orde pepperoni & cheese being as the children didn't like much on their pizza, it's more cost effective and that I really can't tolerate anything spicy. The woman goes on for like 30 minutes about how all they eat is the supreme pizza and in fact it is the only kind that they like and blah blah blah and orders a medium supreme for her & dad and a large pepperoni & cheese for the 4 of us( not near enough to even begin with) but get this... when the pizza arrives... what pizza does she eat>>???????????????? you guessed it.. Pepperoni & cheese. I thought I was going to burst I had to fucking leave the room.. she had instantly robbed me of my calm at that very moment. That was the stupidest shit I had ever seen in my life. My 6 yr old begins to cry because he is still hungry and there is not enough pizza UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - they boys could have killed a large pizza by themselves. I don't fucking get it. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I know that you take the good with the bad but F@@K!!!!! We are officially half way through... so I will catch you up when it's over and we are home safe again.... Did I mention that my husband is considering moving down here?... STAY TUNED

4-17-12 change

There has been so much weighing on my mind.. Why am I at this place in life where I contemplate every little outcome? It's like my head is suddenly filled with this weath of curious knowledge and I can't stop trying to fix everything and everyone - and yet it is painfully obvious that I haven't got control over a single thing.
The boys arrived off the bus this afternoon in tears. They had been fighting with one another physically and were exhausted and wanted me to choose sides. I silenced them and conceded to hear about it once we arrived home. Why does warm weather seem to bring out the crazy in people?
I have been emotionally drained this week... I am still struggling most days to get over the loss of my Mother. Easter holiday was hard - she was always such a fundamental part of that day for my children. I got through it - I bought the boys each a lavender lamb from Partylite (http://partylite.biz/sites/iwantmore) off my website outlet and they just loved them. I feel kind of like my Mama guided me to get them as she always used medicinal lavender oil to calm and relax those she loved including herself. The Boys said on their own accord that the scent reminds them of Grandma and it's comforting to me that they thought so. I warm the scent pouch for them at night and they seem to rest better.
I'm tired of people dying. Can't someone modify the heart so it won't break?
This past week my Uncle Dave Suteu comitted suicide. I guess that he left a note - so there is no mistaking his intent. As I understand it he had gotten in a fight with his sister Cathy over something trivial and she opted to press domestic violence charges on him. He then went to stay a couple of days at a friends house and let things blow over. Later his Mother had dropped off his medications and apparently later that evening he wrote a note and digested 20 Ocycotins. It is a sad state of affairs when people feel so lost an unloved and all of their hope is gone. Thing was, he was so very loved. He was my favorite Uncle. He always had kind words for me and he gave the best hugs. After my Mother and Step-father had gotten divorced not much of his family had opted to not keep in contact with me (the whole blood is thicker than water thing - they are dumbasses - their loss) but not him - he was gunna be my uncle dave forever and that was just it. I will miss him so much.
I wish that feelings showed on the outside and people could see your hurt as a direct result of their actions and words. Would it change the way they treated you? Would they opt to hold you instead of hurt you if they seen how close you were to the edge? Or would they opt to push you all the way because their hate and intolerance is just that strong? Part of me doesn't blame him for wanting out. It's hard to wade through all the indifference in the world and stay strong. I've had to let so many people out of my life because the burden of having them in it has simply become too great.
I get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible their spouses are to try to justify breaking their vows... or the same people crying because their spouse found out what a whore they are and they have abandoned them and taken everything... I keep thinking.. you reap what you sow. You see it everywhere around you and yet you don't want to make a change? Real change comes from within and you can only start with YOU!! Maybe if other people see the happiness that can come from living right they will want it for themselves. I can dream can't I?
This week my father was also in the hospital and had a close call. I am trying really hard to forge a relationship with my Dad. It's all I've really wanted from him my whole life. God willing I will find peace with him before either of us leave this earth.

4-4-12

Ominous day today... I've had this lurking feeling all day since when I first woke up. Everything seemed to stick out to me today; the scent of the air, the blueness of the sky, the chirping of the birds and the silence that surrounded me. It's strange to have time to think at all.. to have a moment ponder the passing events and reflect on how much has changed.
I've been bothered with a toothache for the better portion of the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to subside. It accounts for frequent headaches and irritation and a streaming lack of patience on my behalf. I miss my dentist... he was awesome. I haven't even gotten a dentist in New Jersey yet, much less one that I can trust... and here I am with tooth pain. UGH!
I feel as if I am slipping into an overall aggression. I'm easily bothered and lack my normal stem of tolerance which isn't all that much to speak of to begin with.
You ever want to say something to someone but you hold it in because you know that their view of how things are is so twisted that it will only cause an argument to say something? That is me , sometimes. Except I have a limit on what I can hold in and then it's bursts and I cannot stop myself... sadly it measures just the response that I knew it would and we are at square one with things because boy oh boy he knows how to be hurtful and when given the chance...he's malicious and brutal.
I don't understand how he can go from what appears a peaceful calm to a full on rage so freely... so instantly. It's rather disturbing. The alarming rage in his voice...the slamming of doors the shearing of even the air in the room... the brisk stomping.. the shouting of obscenities. It's grotesque.
I long for some aid for him. A healthy way for him to manage his anger but suggesting it is far beyond the spectrum of things that he would tolerate. I know what he expects and it's hard for me to bite down any free thought if the only reason would be to suppress it because it opposes him. I know he sees his wrong though he expects to not be questioned about it because to him it is trivial... as  if to reference that the wishes of anyone that is not following his immediate path is unimportant; though if you were to inquire directly he would say that's untrue. Men say women are complicated? You are kidding right?
I'd like to chalk it up to stress at work.
Hell I'd like to chalk it up to anything that is going to end it soon, then perhaps I could have hope.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I were able to leave the house... He knew what he was doing when he left my tire in the storage unit.

3-26-12

I sat in the living room the other day with my five year old and watched 'The Wizard of Oz ' for his first time. I seen this look of awe and wonderment on his face and I felt so blessed to have that moment with him. It is literally the first time in days that he seemingly has sit still. I have been concerned quite a bit that he is experiencing some issues. I noticed that he is drawing a fair bit of his letters backwards and sometimes his behavior makes me think that he might be mildly autistic. It makes me sad to say that I mean no one wants to say hey there might be something wrong with my kid... but I am planning on talking to his doctor about it the next time that we go into the office.
For a five year old, he is pretty amazing. His imagination moves at light speeds and he is full of life. I am hoping with the warmer weather and the opportunity to run out the bulk of his energy during the day that he will be calmer and more manageable in the evenings. It has been really upsetting to my husband that he will flat out defy him and then turn to ask me what he should be doing. I try to reinforce that he must listen to my husband as well but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Not to mention that even though he may ask me what he how he should behave he ultimately does as he pleases despite what I say. I have tried having him repeat back to me what I ask of him - which he will do... but he still does the exact opposite. I don't force him to, but he refuses to hold eye contact and flutters around on the floor flailing his arms and what not as if he is in his own little world. If you attempt to hold his attention or to control him in anyway he simply melts into a tantrum of defiance and refuses to the point of total meltdown. Mean face, fisted handed, stomping feet, screaming, crying.. you name it. In my own ways I am trying to combat this behavior. I plead with him that it is I that needs his help... "Please hold my hand while we cross the street Gavin, Mommy is so scared when you don't hold my hand" This usually works and is not totally untrue. It scares the shit out of me to see my child run into traffic. I have a hard time lying to him.. well to anyone really. It's too much to maintain...and kids don't seem to forget anything... unless we are counting the rules! lol
I do not want to end up being one of those parents that medicates my child unnecessarily. I am trying to exhaust every possible measure that I can to get reins on him before I resort to that. There is so much about him that is enjoyable and so I try to focus on that and keep him more engaged so that he has less time to let his imagination run away with him or create in is head scenarios where misbehavior might become amusing. I am not always successful at this!

Forgive me

I wish that I could lay the pages of my heart open for you so that you would better understand some of the workings of my mind. I feel like I go over the edge with people time and time again and for nothing more than a great lack of communication. I want to be heard.,. who do you know that doesn't? I want to be appreciated for my thoughts and I want my advice to want to be given and rather taken... cause heaven knows I am better at running  your life then I ever was at running my own. But see I have gotten passed all of that and in a weird way life has handed me all the lessons that I needed to learn and perhaps finally I have learned the humility of being an adult and making the right choices.
My mother would always say to me that I can not fix the broken wing birds and that I was a far better person than her. I am sure that many of her constituents would beg to differ on that last point of interest. I often wonder what if my mother told them far different views of me... if she ceaselessly complained about me to them or if their hatred for me spawned on it's own. It was quite a blow initially to realize that in losing her that I had lost my entire family [or the one that I had always known anyway] but it was only upon further inspection that I realized that it was in fact me leaving them and not the other way around. The death of my mother had allowed me to see the ugly reality of the world and now that my eyes were open and I could see them for what they really were I really just didn't see the point of continuing on. I learned how to give up on people who I meant nothing to from my father. It has taken me half a lifetime to realize that I am a daughter to him only in name. I am the burden he never wanted. I was a deduction for his paycheck and a thorn in his side. I had hoped that when I had children that it would spawn some miracle epiphany in time and he would realize all that he missed. No such luck. He's probably drunk now with his liver disease and surrounded by his emptiness and I suppose he will exit my life and I will be but an after thought to those that knew him best. Despite it all I love him. I am simply done with offering myself up to people and trying so hard to fit myself inside of their tiny hearts. It's strange how free you feel when you let go of all the hurt you have been holding.
I am sad a lot over my mother. That will never change. There are moments that I think to myself why do I miss her so... and all I can come up with is that no matter how fucked up things were between us... we always got back to the place where we were there for one another. We knew each other so thoroughly that we could talk about anything.
John was a wedge between me and my mom. I hate him. I fight myself not to feel anger and resentment towards him. I struggled hard to be kind when my mother passed; knowing that he talked to her like she was trash and made her cry all the time. Knowing that he kept her from her grandchildren, knowing that he beat her, knowing that he made her try crack, knowing that he kept her from my grandmother. I hate him. I want answers and resolve that I will never get from him and all I can do is scan the obits hoping to find his name. Then I feel bad for that and I just want him to go on living forever with what he has done. Forgive me.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......



20. Share it with a friend! hahah!

the weekend of 03-10-12

It's been a rough week for me. My Mother's birthday draws near and this is the first that will pass without her here. I have been struggling to keep myself occupied and forego the time to reflect and completely break down.
The week started off well. I have been increasingly busy with PartyLite and focused on helping my hostesses get their shows in order. I have been talking to everyone about it because it is exciting for me to see it go well and also it keep my thoughts about my Mother at bay. Things have seemingly settled down at home and we are falling into some sort of family routine of pleasantries. Me and the husband go our rounds from time to time but the bottom line of it all is that we compliment one another so completely. It just always has been. I regret often that we couldn't have been the way that we are now.. our first go around; but then I guess we both had a lot of life lessons to learn.
There is always so much to do when you are looking for it! ha! I spent a considerable amount of time in my sons room today. I showed them how I want things to be put away for like the one million'th time since they were born, which loosely translates into I cleaned their room while lecturing them. I wish that althought they don't enjoy the task at hand they would be able to appreciate the satifaction that comes when the job is completed and the praise that follows. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I am trying to remain steadfast and stay consistant in my prodding to achieve.
Parent Teacher conferences were last evening, so we had an early supper and headed over to the school. The boys played outside with my husband and I went in to recieve the news. This was the first time that I had met Jaylon's teacher since we had his classroom moved. Ms. Richards is old enough to be my Mother plus some. About a foot shorter than I in stature and very thin. Her raspy voice began with barely a smile to tell me that she felt that he was improving but would benefit from more one on one time when it comes to homework with my husband. She used up my conference time with her and my younger son's teacher and could have likely continued to tear apart and disect my parenting abilities and turn them into her finely attuned teaching methods. She did however express that he shows a higher level of learning when it comes to thought processes. It was a bit agaonizing at the end and I was relieved it was over.
Good things and sunshine smiles came from my youngest son's teacher. She always has a positive, upbeat outlook on what the children do and it was refreshing to hear her talk about him. He is finally showing some improvement with his speech and showing an extreme artistic aptitude for art.
We are spending the weekend doing a bit of spring cleaning around the house. It's been warm enough during the day to open the windows and air things out a bit, but still cold enough at night to warrant having the heat on. The boys always make a big deal about cleaning around the house and doing chores and usually that means more work for me but this time my husband really gave 110% and help me pull it all together. I guess we are kinda celebrating our accomplishments by having some family over for dinner and letting them get a look at the place mildly put together.
I had plans to make some curtains for our bedroom, and a skirt for a table in the kitchen, and thus bought some material to do so when we went to Walmart last night. I was up until nearly one in the morning fiddling with the sewing machine becasue after having sewed 3 seams my bobbin ran out and I needed to fill another one and re-thread the machine. I am wondering now if I busted it when I put the housing back in because something obviously wasn't right when it ended up busting the needle. Stopped, replaced the needle, re-threaded the machine again and now it is not making stitches - UGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I gave up after an hour or two and resigned to trying again this morning.... without avail. I began to think about the time that my Mother had so patiently waited for me to take an interest and wanted to teach me the ins and outs of using the sewing machine and I had no time for it, a busy teenager with her own agenda - I could have cared less and I am kicking myself for it now. She is gone and can never teach me another thing and I would give anything to be able to be her attentive student for ANY course.. and indeed sewing as it has become something that I use frequently in adulthood. I try not to dwell on these regrets and think of times with her that bring a smile to my face.... like how she used to call me her munchkin and how she would chase me up the stairs to tickle me and how we had our own secret way of saying things and we laughed at the rest of the world together. I miss her.
I try to be for my children all the things that I am sure that my Mother would have wanted to be for me or that she would be proud of me for being. I am pretty sure that I still get it wrong quite often but I think that I am doing better than most people do and well at least I am trying right?
sunday is the 11th of March and this will be the first year that I have not spent this day with my Mother. It's hard to know what to do. I want to settle it in my mind somehow that she is gone and find a way to commemorate that day with something special and lasting that will close the hole her death has left in my heart.
I just wish that I could think of her without thinking about the day that it all happened and refeeling all those things that I felt. It's like the wound won't close.

When will I learn?

When will I learn?
I mean I have been trying off and on for 36 years to make my father want to be a father and for 8 to entice him to be a grandfather.
I called the man listed on my birth certificate this evening and talked briefly with his wife while I waited for him to come to the phone. I heard him ask her who was on the phone and she said "your daughter, she called for you." to which he responds " I don't want to talk to her" she exclaims.. " YES you do " to which he replies "No I don't, I am going to bed" It is 5:30pm in Las Vegas.
I guess you got to try alcoholic assholes for phone time before they get started on their self-destruction of the day. I can't remember one single time that I have felt wholly loved by my father. I can't recall a single instance where I felt like I had his full attention. Where his friends didn't come first. Where he went out of his way just for me.
I think he resents me.
My mother had told me many years ago that when she had told him that she was pregnant he asked her to have an abortion. She was 16, he was 19 and already had a failed marriage under his belt and a daughter he abandoned. When I asked him about this, he 'couldn't recall saying it' at all and quickly changed the topic to the way that he had forced his way into my mothers life, heart & eventually pants. He ruined her life; subsequently he created me and I ruined her life. She could have been a great artist; she had so much potential. Instead, she dropped out, worked herself into disability & despair in going nowhere factory jobs; never going to college but eventually finishing up for her GED.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I seek him out only to get kicked in the teeth again and again. Sad thing is that I tried to have a heart to heart with him after my mother died and he couldn't hardly even stay focused on the situation. The whole call didn't last more than 7 minutes. He sent flowers. I needed him to do so much more.
Shame on anyone who thinks that parenting can be part time ot that has a child that is not the center of their universe.
I weird to hate someone so much and feel love or obligation to them at the same time.
If I thought he would listen I would tell him...
to know that you don't love me is like swimming in fire.
to here you rufuse me is like salt-soaked knives to my skin.
to always reach to you and you never reach back is an empty hole no one can fill.
I wish that i was more important to you than your bad habits.
I wish you could decide that you want a daughter and grandchildren before you actually NEED us.
I wish we mattered to you.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to hurt me.
I wish I could walk away.
I wish I could make you understand what I need... or even that you genuinely wanted to be that for me.
You don't deserve me and I don't deserve your torture.
You are a mean asshole and I hate you right now.

Catching Up 2-4-12

It's been in my mind to write for several days at this point, but I have

been in so much pain and it seems to put me on edge ( I'm kind of a

cry-baby... ya I know hard to believe right? lol) Back pain sucks!!!!...

that will be all.
Okay lets get down to business and do some catching up. I had previously

spoke about the fact that we were trying to have my son to switch

instructors ( he's in second grade ). The principal decided to accept my

request [ not like he really had much of an option as I told him I would

take it to the Superintendent if he did not ]. I am quite pleased with my

son's new instructor. It pleases me to have some order and continuity in

my child's life, especially since I make great strides to do these things

at home. It's bittersweet in many ways him moving to this new class; I

found out that the previous teacher has him three units behind in English

and 5 units in Math!!!! It is an outrage! (((SHE SHOULD BE FIRED)))
I am happy that he will finally be getting the quality education that he

should have been getting all along - and sad that he was wrongfully put

at such a disadvantage.
I am ever so grateful for the mild winter season and the beauty of the

sunshine upon my face. It's helped level out my mood some and given me a

ton of time to reflect positively on missing my mother and not succumbing

to the blues of the season. I still grieve her every day, but finally at

least I have gotten to a place where I am not living it each moment to

the next over and over again.
Nothing will ever replace the gaping aching abyss that was spawned in the

mist of her departure from this Earth... but I am trying to revel in the

JOY of the now. ( catch me when I fall please )
My youngest son is doing great with his speech therapy and has perfected

the K sound finally! I am so very proud of him for working so hard!
We are gearing up for valentines day here and I am looking forward to

making a valentine box with my oldest son tomorrow! I remember quite

fondly doing this very project with my Mother! Oh some of the crazy

things that we created! She was excited much like I am and buzzing

through the house gathering craft items and then off to the store we

would go to get the final items! I am very excited to make messes

tomorrow morning with my children after our typical Sunday family

breakfast... I am blessed and I am so very grateful.
It's hard to get older and move forward sometimes. I remember a year or

two ago being in the car with my children and sun appeared after a quite

heavy rain and my oldest son, who I think was about 5 at the time, had

inhaled deeply and sighed an "ahhhhhhhhh" and then says " Mama can you

smell the rainbows?" ... What a crime sometimes to lose the innocence of

childhood... how I wish I could go back to the time where rainbows had a

distinct smell to me and I wasn't so consumed with life that I forgot to

take notice. How sad. Damnit!! I want to smell the rainbows! I want to

see Angels, I want to pick daisies, and float on my back in the ocean

until it feels like my legs disappear. What a crime that there are no

do-overs.
I am hoping to be able to take some pix of the valentine box creation

project tomorrow and post an update - yet we are also celebrating my sons

birthday tomorrow so it may be a busy day.

changes

I couldn't believe the weather that we had today! When I walked the children to the bus stop this morning the sun was shinning and the birds were chirping... I am guessing that we were not the only ones that think it's seemed a little like Spring outside. Well that is just fine by me!! We can continue on with Spring weather and cruise right on into summer!
I spent the majority of the day waiting for the stupid maintenence people to show up and make the repairs that we have requested consistently for 5 months now. I think my husband is about to tell them to bite the big one, fix it himself and send them the bill with next months rent. It is frustrating when you live somewhere and you pay all of this money for these so-called conveniences that they provide (or well that they are supposed to provide) and they just drop the ball and want to be slumlords.
A friend of mine works for these idiots and you wouldn't believe the shit that I hear! I know that when our lease is up the obvious choice is going to be for us to move. I am hoping that with 2012 comes a ton of positive changes that enrich our lives.
I am pleased to report that the school district has seen fit to grant my request and will be moving my oldest son to a new second grade teacher at the beginning of the term, which starts on Jan 31st! It is about time! We have suffered through two semesters with the worst teacher that I have ever met. I am suprised that I made it this far without having a knock-down drag out fight. We have endured her accusing or child of racism, calling him "bubba", neglecting to teach him and require him to work with the class, segregating him from the other students and singling him out. I could go on and on. Worst of all she refused to communicate with us at all. I have high hopes for the new instructor and I am looking forward to a better rest of the year.

Child Discipline

1-15-12
I really hate having to punish my children. I feel bad for everything that I ever made my Mother have to discipline me for when I have to punish my children. As I am speaking to them about what they have done wrong I flash in my mind and for an instant I am in their shoes and it is my Mother talking to me. I know what they are feeling when I am talking to them and how upset they are with me that they have been busted and cannot just do as they wish.
I often times tell them how my Mother's punishment would have been much more severe if I would have committed this infraction. I wonder why that is. I mean do we over time build a tolerance to behaviors and begin not to care as much if this happens to us? For example... if I rolled my eyes when my Mother would have told me to do something she would have busted me upside my head. My child rolls his eyes and I tell him how my mother would have hit me and I instead make him write sentences about eye-rolling and being rude to his mother. Yet I am no less slighted than I'm sure my mother felt when I rolled my eyes at her. I am rarely physical when it comes to punishing my children. There is much more bark than bite and I often wonder if that is to blame for some of their behavior. My children have been paddled a few times in their lives. For things that would cause physical harm to them or to another. For example : walking in the road. I mean I would much rather paddle my son then see him splattered on the road.
Am I weak?
I mean it guts me to hit my children in any type of way. I cannot stand to hear them whine or cry. It has been this way since they were born. I like a calm environment. I try to give them a chance to make mistakes and learn from them. The rules in my house are clearly outlined and they know what I expect of them and at 5 & 7 they know what the consequences are by now. We take away the toys they like best. They get time outs or tv rights taken away. No sweets. Writing sentences. Early Bedtime. Yet sometimes I feel like I am talking to a brick wall and that I am not getting through to them at all.
I believe a lot of behavior can be avoided by simply engaging the children in a positive way. Playing games with them, reading books to the,, coloring, play-doh... I like to involve them as much as possible in the things that I am doing too, like cooking dinner and cleaning. It helps some - but it not always the easiest thing to do. I mean to say that sometimes it is just easier to complete the task on your own - due to time constraints.
It's weird because most people that meet my children as of late comment to me that they are extremely well behaved and that they find them to be very loving and respectful! It puffs my chest with a bit of pride, and I guess that I am grateful that they are doing this in public, there has surely been times that they haven't and I know what it is like at home. But that is it isn't it? I mean the goal is to have them function well in society and prepare them for the multitude of rules that they will have to follow in everyday life as an adult, right?
I am assured by many of my older relatives that it is a mother's lot in life to always wonder if she is doing a good enough job or not. To always feel like we are failing them in a sense so that perhaps we continue to strive harder to do a better job and think of new innovative ideas.
All in all I want my children to love me. I want them to feel safe and know that I care and not think of me as some kind of ogre. I remember how I felt every time that I got spanked. How I hated the person spanking me to point that I could barely remember what I had done wrong to begin with. In fact looking back now I cannot recall on single incident that I was spanked for - just being spanked. Also, I don't recall making a conscience choice to not do this behavior again but rather learned to be more sneaky about it and not let my parents know what I was up to.
I want my children to make mistakes. I want them to learn now why the choices they are making are wrong and grow the desire to make good choices. I want to be there for them to help them understand why the way I am pointing them is right and not suffer through the mistakes that I have made.
My children are sitting at the table now, writing sentences for rule breaking that has been on-going since they woke up this morning. UGH! It's been a long Sunday morning. They are griping about writing them and how annoying each other is at a mild roar. I am sitting here wishing that they would just finish them so we can bake some cookies together.
Enough of my rambling, I am going to see if my paper has arrived.

1.13.12 part deux

I thought that I was through writing today and that the day was going to be uneventful considering the fact that we intended upon staying in. No such luck, Friday the 13th rears it's ugly head and vomits it's dismay all over our proverbial laps if you will.
It's been no secret to any that know me that my kids' father is pretty much a deadbeat who can't hold down a job and has barely donated a nickel to the cause of raising these children since their conception. To look at him now makes me wonder whatever I was thinking, sadly not that he was much better than but at least he had teeth... I see him today on video chat and he looks like a fat crack head. his teeth are rotting from his face and look gross and terrible; i feel sorry for him for an instant, thinking to myself how much it must suck to be that young and prolly never be able to find a date ( i mean eww who seriously wants a yuck mouth but another yuck mouth?) I remember when his teeth started going bad how I would make him smooch my cheek instead because I was afraid to get bacteria in my mouth. I guess I am paranoid like that.
It hard for me not to resent him and hold things against him. He doesn't make these children a priority and I know what it is to have a father that deems his personal life more important than you. I know what it feels like to wait on the steps because he doesn't show. To call and he doesn't answer or return your calls. I know what it feels like and I feared it from the very beginning and did not want it for my children. It's a terrible thing. So it shocks me almost when I feel that pang of sorrow for him momentarily when my oldest son reduces him to tears by refusing to call him Dad, because he is simply tired of the disappointment. He told him today and it was like for a moment I felt myself transported into his shoes and my heart sunk. It's like I knew what he was feeling.. not hard to figure out it was all over his face and just as quickly as I felt bad I felt like "good!!!! FUCK YOU!!! now you know how you make my babies feel"
I'm going to hell.
I already know they are reserving a special place for me. I have a hard time forgiving people. Perhaps it is actually not that I don't forgive them but rather I can never really let it go unless they are groveling for forgiveness and even that has a limit. Don't get me wrong I come off like a cold heartless bitch, but I actually give a whole lot of myself to others. I thought that was important for a very long time. To give so much of myself away. Like maybe if I put it out there people would understand the madness that seems to permeate my brain like a plague.
Either way I am getting way off topic lets come back to this in a moment.
The point is that the baby daddy shows up out of nowhere and wants to video chat with the children only to get butt hurt and so then to balm himself in a sort of ways I am sure he directs it towards me and tells me that he had run into some of my mothers blood relatives which I had openly disowned months ago because they are disgusting and I couldn't bear the thought of having them in my life after the way that they felt content to treat me after my mother passed away suddenly this passed year. He brings them up and it rushes to me a million thoughts with every word he speaks of them and I finally resolve to pent inwardly a furious rage and tell him I don't car to hear anything else about them. FUCK THEM!!
All I want to do is move forward with my life and take care of my children and husband. I want to learn how to be the best at that. I want to learn how to be a better more productive member of society and the kind of friend that you cannot bear to live without. I want to be loved and missed, much like my mother when I am gone from this earth and admired mildly at least while I am here.
I want to bury the mistakes, iniquity and indifference of my past beneath the garden that is blooming in the spring of my life as of current. I want all the negative things, people and all the hurt to fade into a faint memory and learn how to be actually happy and content.
I am safe.
My kids are safe and I am teaching them the right things.
That's all my Mother ever wanted.
I am the shell of the person that I used to be and I am trying dearly to fill it with the person that my mother always dreamed that I would become all I need is the chance to do so. Give me that or GFTO!
So I cooked chicken schnitzel, green beans and potatoes for my family tonight and cranked the music in my headphones and settled here with you to release the whirl of my brain upon this page so that I can wind down and get back to the Zen like peace that I have tried to make the center of my day. Watching 'Killer Elite' with my husband after the kiddos go to bed and knowing that tomorrow is another day :)