1.13.12 part deux

I thought that I was through writing today and that the day was going to be uneventful considering the fact that we intended upon staying in. No such luck, Friday the 13th rears it's ugly head and vomits it's dismay all over our proverbial laps if you will.
It's been no secret to any that know me that my kids' father is pretty much a deadbeat who can't hold down a job and has barely donated a nickel to the cause of raising these children since their conception. To look at him now makes me wonder whatever I was thinking, sadly not that he was much better than but at least he had teeth... I see him today on video chat and he looks like a fat crack head. his teeth are rotting from his face and look gross and terrible; i feel sorry for him for an instant, thinking to myself how much it must suck to be that young and prolly never be able to find a date ( i mean eww who seriously wants a yuck mouth but another yuck mouth?) I remember when his teeth started going bad how I would make him smooch my cheek instead because I was afraid to get bacteria in my mouth. I guess I am paranoid like that.
It hard for me not to resent him and hold things against him. He doesn't make these children a priority and I know what it is to have a father that deems his personal life more important than you. I know what it feels like to wait on the steps because he doesn't show. To call and he doesn't answer or return your calls. I know what it feels like and I feared it from the very beginning and did not want it for my children. It's a terrible thing. So it shocks me almost when I feel that pang of sorrow for him momentarily when my oldest son reduces him to tears by refusing to call him Dad, because he is simply tired of the disappointment. He told him today and it was like for a moment I felt myself transported into his shoes and my heart sunk. It's like I knew what he was feeling.. not hard to figure out it was all over his face and just as quickly as I felt bad I felt like "good!!!! FUCK YOU!!! now you know how you make my babies feel"
I'm going to hell.
I already know they are reserving a special place for me. I have a hard time forgiving people. Perhaps it is actually not that I don't forgive them but rather I can never really let it go unless they are groveling for forgiveness and even that has a limit. Don't get me wrong I come off like a cold heartless bitch, but I actually give a whole lot of myself to others. I thought that was important for a very long time. To give so much of myself away. Like maybe if I put it out there people would understand the madness that seems to permeate my brain like a plague.
Either way I am getting way off topic lets come back to this in a moment.
The point is that the baby daddy shows up out of nowhere and wants to video chat with the children only to get butt hurt and so then to balm himself in a sort of ways I am sure he directs it towards me and tells me that he had run into some of my mothers blood relatives which I had openly disowned months ago because they are disgusting and I couldn't bear the thought of having them in my life after the way that they felt content to treat me after my mother passed away suddenly this passed year. He brings them up and it rushes to me a million thoughts with every word he speaks of them and I finally resolve to pent inwardly a furious rage and tell him I don't car to hear anything else about them. FUCK THEM!!
All I want to do is move forward with my life and take care of my children and husband. I want to learn how to be the best at that. I want to learn how to be a better more productive member of society and the kind of friend that you cannot bear to live without. I want to be loved and missed, much like my mother when I am gone from this earth and admired mildly at least while I am here.
I want to bury the mistakes, iniquity and indifference of my past beneath the garden that is blooming in the spring of my life as of current. I want all the negative things, people and all the hurt to fade into a faint memory and learn how to be actually happy and content.
I am safe.
My kids are safe and I am teaching them the right things.
That's all my Mother ever wanted.
I am the shell of the person that I used to be and I am trying dearly to fill it with the person that my mother always dreamed that I would become all I need is the chance to do so. Give me that or GFTO!
So I cooked chicken schnitzel, green beans and potatoes for my family tonight and cranked the music in my headphones and settled here with you to release the whirl of my brain upon this page so that I can wind down and get back to the Zen like peace that I have tried to make the center of my day. Watching 'Killer Elite' with my husband after the kiddos go to bed and knowing that tomorrow is another day :)