2011 sucked ass

2011 SUCKED ASS!
Excuse my language but it was the most horrible year that I have had in a long time. Namely because my Mother died.
I think a lot about the day that she died. About the events leading up to it and about the day itself. I remember franticly trying to get ahold of her and wondering where she could be but feeling the need to continue trying over and over only to find out later that was about the time that they had pronounced her dead. I mean was she reaching to me? Fighting not to go? It kills me. It slays me in such a gruesome way emotionally that I feel actual physical pain from it.
No one can describe the love you have for your mother (or for the person you consider to be your mother). No one can harness that love and toss labels all over it that would make someone understand the depth and magnitude of that affection. You may not even fully comprehend yourself how you feel for her, but I assure you when it slips like sand through your fingertips and falls away from you it will be painfully obvious just exactly what you have lost and the emptiness you then know will all but suffocate you.
I thought that I would lay down and die right beside her when they told me. I wanted to explode. Screams wretched from the bowels of my soul and still no comfort. I feel like that every single day still. I just hold it in as much as possible. I cry about everything. I miss everything. Her smell especially. The funny way she would say things to make me laugh and the way she loved me even when no one else could bring themselves to do it.
I feel alone without her. Disconnected from everyone and everything in such a way that I can't even tell you. It's like you see the gloss of the surface but are totallly missing the murky mess beneath.
I hear people tell me that it will get better. I guess because they have experienced loss and it got better for them. But you are wrong. It won't ever get better or easier for me. I am forever altered now that she is gone. Her passing casterated my heart. You can cauderize a wound so that it will not contuinue to bleed out - but sometimes without you knowing there is a slow bleed within that poisons you. THIS is the hurt I feel.
It sucks you know because I love my children very much. I want to be there for them and I want to live long enough to be a part of my grandchildren and great grandchildrens lives. I have serious doubts of it happening sometimes I mean my Grandmother died at 63 and my mother at 52... am I to die at 41?  My mother died exactly 5 years after my grandmother and that would be exactly 5 years after my mother... see a pattern?
My grandmother was sick. I guess we knew that she was going to go somehow. But my Mother... she wasn't sick at all. I was robbed of her. I cannot wrap my head around it at all. Her ashes sit only feet from my bed so that I can see them when I open my eyes. See I dream of her and sometimes it is so real that I forget that she is dead. I could fool myself but reality is a hard-hitting abusive prick.
I was telling a friend the other day that I will prolly never be able to let her go. I think of all the people that are able to scatter ashes or press them in the earth and I just  don't see me being able to let her go. I know the ashes are not her. That is to say, that she is gone from this earth and they do not contain her very soul merely pieces of the vessel. But the vessel is what held me close and the vessel is all that I have left.
My mother's boyfriend of 18 years is a total asshole. I had the legal right to remove everything from the house but I didn't. I tried to be civil, yet he continues to slight me for hate. He withholds family heirlooms that are sentimental to my family from me. He is brash and hateful in his speak to me, about me and my children and he I think it majorly an injustice that he contnues to suck air from the earth. I am cornered to a decision point where I have to decide whether to persue legal action against him for with-holding what is rightfully mine or to cut my losses and let karma do it's work. The thing is that I don't know what I am capable of living with and it pisses me off because one day he will move on and those things mean nothing or hold no monatary value so he will purge them, but she will always be my only mother and he is just doing it to be hateful to me.
In fact I lost my entire family at the same time that I lost my Mother. Not a single one of them make any way to contact me or inquire as to how I or the boys are. None of them. Not a one. I have nothing to offer them. However I bet if I won the lotto tomorrow they'd be sweet as pie. Shame. I'm actually apretty amazing person when you take the time to get to know me and you are not trying to treat me bad. If you met them ever, you could see how they could totally miss that.
My Mothers' friend tells me all the time how they are garbage and I am better off without them... that my mother was never a part of the kind of people that they are and that I really just don't need them in my life. I see other family's function and good or bad they are better than anything that I ever had with my mother's siblings.
My husbands family is amazing and I am so blessed to have them open their hearts to me. They are the family that I always wanted in so many ways and I am eternally grateful that my children will grow inside of their masses - knowing the warmth and love of a real family.
I have much to be grateful for. Please don't think in the wake of my misery that I take any of that for granted.
I am also blessed with some pretty amazing friends. Thank you.
With the grace of God, find mercy and let 2012 be filled with blessings.