10.1.11

Doesn't it suck when you are sick and it goes by seemingly unnoticed by all the people who would have you to cater to them like they are infants when they are ill or not feeling well? It makes me feel like I don't matter and that my feelings, wellness and wellbeing are unimportant. But then what is new right? I already know that my opinion doesn't matter and that when someone is going to have to do without that it is going to have to be me making the sacrifices. I can hardly stand the fact that I am just supposed to be on hold all of the fucking time I mean like I can't have an agenda and get things done? no cause I always have to wait on someone else and their time table or schedule I have absolutely no say in anything that is happening in my life at all and I feel much like a prisioner.
My car is fucked up... can we fix it - no... can I have a ride?... when you feel like it? ugh.. I want to rip my hair out. how long until you are done working?.. what is a little while? an hour 5 hours? what the fuck ever don't be mad when we don't have any dinner. and we still have laundry to do.
I want to run away but there is nowhere to run. I want to go for a drive.. nope... I want to go for a walk... nope... why? so my kids can cry and freak out while they are ignored to the tune of 90's durst bitch hate music? or following me around wondering why I am crying?... exactly.. no escape.
I think about suicide all of the time. It sucks that I love my children so much and can't bare the thought of them having to go through the world being less loved by anyone other than me.... when they deserve more than even I can give them. I feel like a fuck up and a fool and like I am paying the price in my life in so many ways for a series of poorly informed choices that I made under false pretenses that were presented to me so eloquently. Funny how that always seems to be doesn't it? It's like my life in general  is just one big series of decisions that I should have made differently... yet when I am looking back on it though the decision seems wrong and misplaced I still cannot seem to think of a different outcome by making a different decidion along the way because even if I would like to omit something along the way there is always some little event around the corner from that poor choice that makes the bad ones not seem so terrible.
I think a lot about what my mother said to me about the choices that she made with Chris and why we suffered through those 12 years of our lives. I mean we did it together and she is right about that and we were not in as bad of a situation as maybe we could have been - I thought that to be such a rediculous thing when she had talked to me about that and I often wondered to myself if it was just a cop-out of if infact there really was no other relative option available at the time. I mean she wasn't a stupid woman, my mother; but I always disliked her old school, stand by your man type thinking that she learned from my Grandmother. I mean who seriously wants to live like that?
I never asked my Grandmother... cause I always just assumed that it was a product of 50's thinking and the fact that she had 6 fucking children. But even still under those circumstances I doubt that I could have remained with a man that was fucking around on me. Let alone have the bitch over to dinner and such. (without poisoning her anyways)
I want to make some sense of the choices that they made and understand them with some sort of rationaly reasoning but I cannot.
I always swore that I would not put myself into a situation where I didn't have a voice. I wouldn't let my head be forced into the corner where I was helpless and didn't matter but in a sense I feel like exactly that is what happened to me.
I can't say how I really feel about anything without it causing a stink... atleast that is the way that it feels since everytime that I voice my opinion in full it ensues an arguement. The voice gets raised, the door slames, the speed limit is ignored, the headphones pop on and the music is blaring. Though all of these outlets for rage in a sense are denied of me. I can do nothing but sit in silence or do housework. LAME.
I would tell you it is no way to live and I wouldn't be lying. It is fully beyond the spectrum of behaviors that I know to function in this compacity. The silent, obiediant, plain jane wife/mother/maid/housekeeper/nurse/seamtress/decorater/baker/short order cok/chauffeur/analyst/therapist/financial planner/blah blah blah. KILL ME NOW!