Beloved Imortally

I hide
hide behind my laughter
hide beneath my fears
far below my smile
and oceans amidst my tears
I see
see with the eyes of a mystic soul
beyond the stars and the moon
deep within a wounded heart
above the morality of religion
amongst the rebellion of a generation
I feel
feel the beat of your heart
the warmth of you breathe
the coolness of the breeze
the mist of the dawn
I touch
touch with the tenderness of an angel
with the softness of a flowers petal
with the curiosity of a child
with the care of a healer
I love
love with the heart of a dreamer
to the depths and heights of none before me
without knowledge of a beginning and end
without reserve
without disguise
I kiss
kiss with lips painted wine
the furrowed lashes of your brow
the buttery softness of your neck
the weathered hands you place in mine
I take
take the precious offer of your love
the leap into your arms
the fall from the heavens
the union of our souls
the heat of our blended desire
I bask in our bliss
and wallow in our adversity
I hunger for no other
and so willingly retreat within the safety of your fortress
I submit to the power of your will
and thus, rule with the patience of a mother
I devour all you teach to me
I forgive that which cannot be changed
I forget nothing that matters
I regret only that which causes you pain
Forever
and endlessly
beloved immortally

kreative kissable kissers

kissable kisses
and kissers alike
kreate krafty kisses
and kiss with delight
kiss with a smile
kiss in a pile
kiss all the while
and kiss while you wish
kiss with eyelashes
kiss on the lips
kiss with sunglasses
and make your hips switch
kiss when your krying
when your lying in green grass
and when your angry kiss my as
kiss with courage
kiss with pride
kiss with lovely lips painted like wine
kiss like kreative kissable kissers do
kiss me, and I'll kiss you
kiss me here
kiss me there
kiss me in the rain
or on a train
or in a plane
but never, never, make it plain
kiss me soft
or in a loft
kiss me high
kiss me low
kiss me with my hair in bows
kiss me sweetly
kiss me neat
kiss me beneath the sea
kiss me with your eyes shut tightly
kiss me slow try to delight me
kiss me fast
and first and last
in future and past
with my hand to grasp
where my necklace clasps
and while people applaud
kiss me
just kiss me
before all my kisses are gone.

4-17-13

I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. Every day I sit here and my mind swims with thought. A thousand things rolling through my mind and I begin to feel like I am going crazy. I haven't slept right in so long that I feel like a zombie. I feel like I am walking through each day just merely going through the motions and not really there at all to the point that I begin to ponder what is real and what is not. I wondered for the longest time the other day if the distance between us was merely a manifestation of my mind and if I was purely imagining it because I was not really here at all. I half expected to see another walk through my doors and be in my place in life because it just all seems so surreal.
The children are indifferent, they don't listen and their attitudes at times are so grotesque that I feel as if I have failed.
I try hard to be a good mother, a good wife and a good friend; but for the most part I feel like I am putting all this effort forth and really not getting anything in return sometimes.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted and I know this is no way to feel.
I knew from the moment I met my husband that I loved him. ( Before I ever even really knew him) and maybe I had expectations built up of how things would be and that is the reason that I get let down. The first time that we were together I lived with blinders on and believed that everything was perfect, I still don't really know, even now, what went so horribly wrong on my behalf - if ever there was any fault of my own to begin with. Fidelity was a pressing issue back then and the ultimate reason that I had chosen to part ways with him and so when then opportunity presented itself for us to reunite I spoke to him in length about my only real reservation being that I wanted him to be loyal and faithful.
There have been many issues that we have crossed since we have gotten married. We rushed into this marriage.. So overwhelmed with love and needing someone in each of our lives that we could depend on. Our feelings of elation were quickly drawn to a halt with the passing of my Mother that has in a sense crumbled the very foundation on which I stood and broken me emotionally. I don't know if it's because he has never really learned how to deal with the things that he feels or if it was me all along but it was difficult to find a way back from there. There was a lot of fighting in those first few months. I felt greatly like he was over burdened with regret and that I was feeling that he was selfish and uncaring. I felt invisible and sadly, sometimes I still do. It's obvious to all that know him and no mystery to him, I am certain that he has anger issues. The normal stresses of life seem to ebb away at his peace and calm and you see him trying to retreat when others still seek resolve. Nothing ever really seems to get dealt with.. Merely brushed under the proverbial rug of life and moved past.
I should have left when he left me & the children on the side of the highway that night... Or even the time that he almost punched me in the face in a rage... But I feel frozen. I love him. He's the only person left in the world that knows all of the groady mishaps in my life and still chooses to love me. Leaving him is like letting go of a piece of me forever and dropping it into the wastes of the world never to be seen again. Maybe that is what breaks me so badly about my Mother passing... Parts of me died with her and in some weird way I lose this identity.
I got married. My Mother died. These are realities, and in the wake of my grief, though sad over all the me that I was losing, how ironic is it that I chose to change even more.. Until sadly I make myself so unrecognizable to even myself. I relocated two states away and left behind the life I had known and had comfort in. I left any support system emotional or otherwise that I had always had. I changed my hair color, my hair cut, my jewelry, my grooming habits, my behaviors and even the way that I dressed. I became focused on being whatever would or could yield me a different result in a sorrowful attempt to please others, mainly my husband. Sometimes I even wonder who this person is when I look in the mirror. This fat, plain, miserable bitch stares back at me with and emptiness and brokenness that I have no idea how to recover from.
It is no secret that my Mother had her reservations about my marriage. She worried for me and had made mention that she would always be waiting "for the boot to drop", she wanted happiness for me but doubted that I would have it here. She must have flipped in her grave the day I found those naked pictures of another woman and sext-messages on his phone. It was so hard to bite back my tears and shoo my children off to school. I lied to my youngest and told him that I just didn't feel well but inside I just wanted to fall on the floor and die. I can hope that is over and not still an issue, but I will probably never really know for certain; I'm sure of only one thing and that is that he will likely be more careful about what traces he leaves behind.
In recent weeks there has been no real discord to report between he & I. Things have been generally pleasant and still my heart breaks a little. The distance between us is gaping... Often times I feel like anything but his wife. We aren't intimate and it seems like every activity and movement is carefully set to prevent this action. Awkward agendas full of activity that negates and opportunity for intimacy and my mind swims with thought of reasons why this would occur. He acts like I am crazy when I bring it up... Stating to me how he thinks everything is fine and that it is merely coincidence and how he can't understand why this would be a concern for me or be upsetting me and painfully all I can wonder is why doesn't he want me and how is he not dying inside to be touched and loved and sadly with recent events wondering if someone else is fulfilling this need for him. It's gutted my very pride. I've spoken to him and made mention many times with yet no resolve and we are now passing the one month mark. I feel alone. Like an unwanted guest in a life that is not my own. I wish I knew some way to make it better and improve things but I feel at a loss.

alone in the moonlight

beneath the moon

there sat I

alone

alone in my thoughts

sweet breezes carrying my cries up to the heavens

as i weep

weep for the love that i lost

the stars shimmer high in the sky

as if with the beat of my heart

the dew on the grass looks like teardrops to me

perhaps i cried them

and they're part of me

it's silent here

almost nary a sound

so empty

so hollow

i let you leave

and did not follow

i am weak

please rescue me

lift me up

left this suffering cease

breathe life into me

and my cold broken heart

wrap me up in your warmth

bring me out of the dark

come to me now

on a moonbeam

on a moonbeam above

come to me now

lets reclaim our love.

because...

Because...,

I'll cross the line if you draw it

I just don't know how to behave

I crave to engage and can't stay away

just makes it all the more tempting

I am a creature of emotion

and I am wholly devoted

to filling the void in my day

with all of the things that I say

with everything that I do

cause it's really all to get me closer to you

it's where I belong

it must be

there will be no other that makes me complete

I can be patient

I have a lifetime to live

and a whole heart to give

even if it's crumpled a bit

The scent of your skin still fresh in my mind

the warmth of your touch

your heart racing with mine

the glimmer of your smile

the shake in your voice

The way it felt like a decision but I really had no choice

no control

and it was so easy to let go

be myself

play the part

and...somehow...I thought it would never end

but you drew the line

and you know how I am

so now here we are

and so it begins....

Because..,

5 trillion moments ago

you are there
i am here
alone inside this shell
black mascara stains
upon my pillow
where every teardrop fell
bed disheveled
from tossing & turning
hoping to find you there
no rest for the wicked
and surely no peace
heart filled with worry and care
to love so strong
to need you
here
and in all ways
to weep with joy
and not in sorrow
to get on with our lives
and all our tomorrows
to sink inside
and hide within
the safety of your arms
to fall asleep and listen to
the pounding of your heart
to feel it race
and dance
and delight
like it did at the start
when love began
between you and I
5 trillion moments ago
when you first spoke my name
when you first breathed i love you
when you looked in my eyes
when our journey became our destination
and I made you mine