About Love

I have always had a lot of ideas about how relationships should be. I can't decide when I formally formed an opinion that was concrete about what I really need from a relationship but I think it would be safe to assume that it was gradually adjusted into the belief that I have today.
In the process of becomming this conclusion I have learned many things... and in an attempt to clear my head somehow I have decided to jot them down.

1. Love means many things to many people.
I think it is very important to discover for yourself what love means to you and to be very clear of what this defination is when you express to others that you love them. I have thought many times that it is quite the injustice to the lovers of the world that love can be so broad sprectrum that there is seemingly no scale to define the type, quality or level of love you are experiencing for someone. Simply put - when you tell someone that you love them - they essentailly take it in and apply it down the line in their emotional database to the preformed definition that they have in mind. I believe it is a more rare occurance then some might think for two people to truely see eye to eye on this matter, and thus the pureness of the emotion loses it's luster somewhere amidst unmet expectations and needs.

2. Love has many stages.
As best as I can figure there are some constants in love that feed into the equation of a relationship and it's how you essentially deal with each level indivudally and then attempt to fold those layers together that ultimately decides whether or not love will endure or simply crumble to dust.
a. the honeymoon phase - this is the intense I can't live without you love that wraps you up and makes you feel all gooey for someone
b. the meat stage - this is the part where things start being real and you are caused to search and examine the depth and level of your emotional commitment to someone.
c. make it or break it stage - the gloves have come off and adversity has found it's way into your life and your love will be tested.
d. the glue outcome - your bond is strong and your basic expectations from love are being met on both ends and you make the clear chioce to stick together no matter what
e. the candle wick outcome - expectations are not met and slowly it ebbs away at the fire that you had util the flame burns out completely. (sometimes you can rebuild and regroup and come out of things)

3. Love has conditions.
I must have heard a billion times in my life that I was loved unconditionally. But if that were really true there would be no need for resolve or goodbyes or fighting ever in a relationship. No one person that you loved would ever feel less or fall in a line of priorities but instead be lumped into this group with yourself where exceptions did not exist and you never had to say the word "me" or include a seperate entity from yourself in the relationship ever. Uncoditional love would never spawn the phrase... "I love you but..."
Uncoditional love would never coin the usage of "space", "time" or "I" phrases other that ones termed with affection or expressing devotion.

4. Love is powerful but makes you weak.
Love takes your power and empowers your partner. You are essentially letting them behind all your barriers and giving them the power to crush your very soul yet trusting in them and hoping with your whole heart that they won't use the power.

Without YOU

Without You

Being without the one that you love is a pain worse than death. It is a slow aching need that develops into a diseased poison coursing through your veins.
Your arms are empty and ache to hold him, your voice shakes as your surf on the wave of tears that are sure to come as you say goodbyes. There is that awkward moment where you just look into one another's eyes and you seem frozen there; you just don't want to turn and walk away, though you know you must.
A cold chill rushes over you as the love fire slowly smolders to barely a warm ember, you can still feel their simple kiss upon your lips and feel the strength of their grasp but with time it seems to pass some and so the cold sets in. The darkness of loneliness you now wear like a burial shroud and you retreat into the solitude of the world without them.
You know in your heart that you must let them go if ever they are to return to you and that where your lover goes you cannot always follow; but somehow it is still not a comfort to you.
You talk frequently on the phone though you can hear it in their voice, it can never really take the place of their smile, or the glimmer in their eyes when they look at you. Missing someone is a hunger that can only be satisfied by reunification.
You look into the night sky and you plead to the stars to race your lover back to your arms, but like an obstinate child your cries fall on deaf ears; so you sit, and you wait, day after day and the moments pass like hours and the hours like days and the days like years and you become riddled with question, hurt, ache and yearning until you feel you will seemingly die.

Heavy Laden Heart

I always feel like a failure, it’s the plain, yet brutal truth. I am good at being the wounded victim – after all it is all that I have known for many years. Love has never been kind or wholly good to me, I have this knack for finding and dumping my soul into people who pain and ravish my heart without avail.
It is difficult for me to trust, that is no secret. I used to be this completely trusting person and walked through life seemingly with these blinders on, ignorant to the fact that my life was being made a mockery of until repeatedly they were knocked from my minds eye and I was brought back to earth and the harsh reality that wholesome and true is not what most people are.
I do have someone in my life that I love so very much; and though I feel he is worthy of my trust and all that is me, I fight this urge to be this typical brokenhearted girl. I feel myself running into this emotional brick wall all the time because my heart is leaning and questioning; unknowingly it’s searching for a wrong to be there and it tears my heart to shreds. I hurt him in a sense, diminish his pride I think, by doing this, when I guess all I am doing is seeking validation.
Once worse, as hard as I try, I grow weary and often times the action on my behalf is uncontrollable. I do not intend to be a malicious or accusing person. I hear the words as they leap from my lips and I want to scream in rage “STOP!”.. I am thinking in my head, “please don’t notice, just don’t hear me, oh god, I am doing it again..” and I want to just die before it all blows up.
I feel broken when we argue. I am so alone in this sadness. I want to be better. I want him to understand and heal me. To comfort me when I feel all is lost. To not take offense and try to understand that past wounds were brutal and the scars are still fresh. To forgive me just a little, and love me more each day despite my many faults.
I wonder sometimes if those people who did these wrongs to me even know what a poison stain they have placed in my heart. How it seems in turn a death sentence of sorts. After all a life void of love is a fate worse then death. If they know, do they even care? Are they sorry? Would they remove this cancerous wound from my heart and restore me?
I wish it could be undone, that I could turn back the hands of time and give him the heart that loved without fear.
I am so afraid.
Afraid that I will lose him, and it would be no ones fault but my own.
Afraid that he doesn’t have the will or the strength to guard is love for me and heal my brokenness with understanding.
I am sick in love with this man.
I have never loved another more, not even myself.
He is second only to my children in my heart.
I place him above even myself.
Dare I spoil his love for me with mere words-it would be something so tragic.

Conjectural Contemplation

It’s true. I spend too much time worrying about other people. I worry about their happiness, their health and the dynamics between them and I. I can honestly say that often, too many times, I place others before myself and in turn leave my own heart and health broken and at the mercy of the waves of the world.
Worse, I feel helpless almost every day and fight to hold on to the things that bring me joy, even though I often feel them slipping through my fingers like sand and slowly escaping me.
I am in love, with someone whom I think is simply amazing. Yet, somehow I feel this sense of desperation and emptiness. His heart is a muddled mess of confusion and full of battle wounds from loves’ once lost. Each day I grow closer to this man and pray that I am enough, I want to help him, hold him and show him how good love can really be, still I worry that he could be ripped from my life at any moment and wonder how and if I could even deal with that.
Is it possible to love someone TOO much?
Is it possible to wrap yourself up into someone so entirely and fight so hard to hold their head above water that you in turn drown yourself?
This roller coaster of emotions is a wave that rushes over me and sends my mind into a swirl of confusion and discontent.
I find myself often pondering “why can’t I catch a break?”, “why can’t life ever be easy; and love for that matter?”
I want to be strong and cold somehow and pretend it makes no difference to me. I want to erase all the heartache and make his heart light, free of burden and carefree…
I want to fill his world with the warmth of my love and fill his life with happiness.
Am I a fool? Is my battle for naught?
If a person is sinking to the bottom of the ocean, how do you know that your strong enough to save them?...and worse, what if you fight and fight only to find out that they want to sink?........and if you love them….I mean really love them, is it selfish to not want to let go?
(sigh)
I know he loves me. There is not even a question as to if this is a fact. He sets himself aside so often to pour out his love for me and make it known. He says, and does, things for me that make my heart soar to heights I have never known. With that being said, that empowers him with a certain amount of control over the course of my emotions. A fragile and delicate thing is my heart, which rests soundly in the palm of his hands.
It is no small thing for me to entrust my heart to someone. I have had this torturous affair with love for many years now. It is nothing shy of an understatement to say that I have been unlucky in love. The diary of a broken heart has many volumes. It in itself rises and falls with emotions and regret. It stains your soul in a sense and leaves you with murderous scars to seemingly shield your heart from pain. I think sometimes, that the little bit of insecurity that you carry with you after you watch your beating heart ripped from your chest and then lay on the ground withering until it folds into ashes, is a defense mechanism of sorts to ensure that you will never know love again.
Pushing past that hurt, is nothing shy of a arduous endeavor for me each and every day.
People look at me and think that I have it all together, but, I, like you, am a total mess.
HE makes me better.
HE makes me want to be better.
HE is the reason that I want to give and live and grow to die another day.
HE, and HE ALONE, is the balm for my brokenness.
I want to be this for him to.
I ache to release him from this self-imposed imprisonment that drags his soul asunder.
To lift him up and together make us whole.
I BELIEVE I can do it.
I BELIEVE together WE can conquer any obstacle.
But, how can I give him strength, when he feels he has none? How can I urge him to fight, if he loses faith? How can he go on without it?
I guess I want some encouragement that it will all be as it should. That we will actually be a “WE”, and know happiness forever.
That the pasts that we have know will fade away and our new lives start together fresh.
That this is not all a proverbial unicorn for me, and will actually happen.
I want him to let go and fall with the faith of a thousand saints into my arms and be wholly mine for always, or until such a time when our souls are shredded from this earthly existence by the coil of deaths’ embrace.
I beg him from the depths of my being to let my love nourish and heal this gaping wound in his heart and cradle himself helplessly as a child in my care until we grow together strong.
The future and my fate rests solemnly in his will. Therefore I lay at his mercy, and plead for my own sanctity.