Conjectural Contemplation

It’s true. I spend too much time worrying about other people. I worry about their happiness, their health and the dynamics between them and I. I can honestly say that often, too many times, I place others before myself and in turn leave my own heart and health broken and at the mercy of the waves of the world.
Worse, I feel helpless almost every day and fight to hold on to the things that bring me joy, even though I often feel them slipping through my fingers like sand and slowly escaping me.
I am in love, with someone whom I think is simply amazing. Yet, somehow I feel this sense of desperation and emptiness. His heart is a muddled mess of confusion and full of battle wounds from loves’ once lost. Each day I grow closer to this man and pray that I am enough, I want to help him, hold him and show him how good love can really be, still I worry that he could be ripped from my life at any moment and wonder how and if I could even deal with that.
Is it possible to love someone TOO much?
Is it possible to wrap yourself up into someone so entirely and fight so hard to hold their head above water that you in turn drown yourself?
This roller coaster of emotions is a wave that rushes over me and sends my mind into a swirl of confusion and discontent.
I find myself often pondering “why can’t I catch a break?”, “why can’t life ever be easy; and love for that matter?”
I want to be strong and cold somehow and pretend it makes no difference to me. I want to erase all the heartache and make his heart light, free of burden and carefree…
I want to fill his world with the warmth of my love and fill his life with happiness.
Am I a fool? Is my battle for naught?
If a person is sinking to the bottom of the ocean, how do you know that your strong enough to save them?...and worse, what if you fight and fight only to find out that they want to sink?........and if you love them….I mean really love them, is it selfish to not want to let go?
(sigh)
I know he loves me. There is not even a question as to if this is a fact. He sets himself aside so often to pour out his love for me and make it known. He says, and does, things for me that make my heart soar to heights I have never known. With that being said, that empowers him with a certain amount of control over the course of my emotions. A fragile and delicate thing is my heart, which rests soundly in the palm of his hands.
It is no small thing for me to entrust my heart to someone. I have had this torturous affair with love for many years now. It is nothing shy of an understatement to say that I have been unlucky in love. The diary of a broken heart has many volumes. It in itself rises and falls with emotions and regret. It stains your soul in a sense and leaves you with murderous scars to seemingly shield your heart from pain. I think sometimes, that the little bit of insecurity that you carry with you after you watch your beating heart ripped from your chest and then lay on the ground withering until it folds into ashes, is a defense mechanism of sorts to ensure that you will never know love again.
Pushing past that hurt, is nothing shy of a arduous endeavor for me each and every day.
People look at me and think that I have it all together, but, I, like you, am a total mess.
HE makes me better.
HE makes me want to be better.
HE is the reason that I want to give and live and grow to die another day.
HE, and HE ALONE, is the balm for my brokenness.
I want to be this for him to.
I ache to release him from this self-imposed imprisonment that drags his soul asunder.
To lift him up and together make us whole.
I BELIEVE I can do it.
I BELIEVE together WE can conquer any obstacle.
But, how can I give him strength, when he feels he has none? How can I urge him to fight, if he loses faith? How can he go on without it?
I guess I want some encouragement that it will all be as it should. That we will actually be a “WE”, and know happiness forever.
That the pasts that we have know will fade away and our new lives start together fresh.
That this is not all a proverbial unicorn for me, and will actually happen.
I want him to let go and fall with the faith of a thousand saints into my arms and be wholly mine for always, or until such a time when our souls are shredded from this earthly existence by the coil of deaths’ embrace.
I beg him from the depths of my being to let my love nourish and heal this gaping wound in his heart and cradle himself helplessly as a child in my care until we grow together strong.
The future and my fate rests solemnly in his will. Therefore I lay at his mercy, and plead for my own sanctity.