Heavy Laden Heart

I always feel like a failure, it’s the plain, yet brutal truth. I am good at being the wounded victim – after all it is all that I have known for many years. Love has never been kind or wholly good to me, I have this knack for finding and dumping my soul into people who pain and ravish my heart without avail.
It is difficult for me to trust, that is no secret. I used to be this completely trusting person and walked through life seemingly with these blinders on, ignorant to the fact that my life was being made a mockery of until repeatedly they were knocked from my minds eye and I was brought back to earth and the harsh reality that wholesome and true is not what most people are.
I do have someone in my life that I love so very much; and though I feel he is worthy of my trust and all that is me, I fight this urge to be this typical brokenhearted girl. I feel myself running into this emotional brick wall all the time because my heart is leaning and questioning; unknowingly it’s searching for a wrong to be there and it tears my heart to shreds. I hurt him in a sense, diminish his pride I think, by doing this, when I guess all I am doing is seeking validation.
Once worse, as hard as I try, I grow weary and often times the action on my behalf is uncontrollable. I do not intend to be a malicious or accusing person. I hear the words as they leap from my lips and I want to scream in rage “STOP!”.. I am thinking in my head, “please don’t notice, just don’t hear me, oh god, I am doing it again..” and I want to just die before it all blows up.
I feel broken when we argue. I am so alone in this sadness. I want to be better. I want him to understand and heal me. To comfort me when I feel all is lost. To not take offense and try to understand that past wounds were brutal and the scars are still fresh. To forgive me just a little, and love me more each day despite my many faults.
I wonder sometimes if those people who did these wrongs to me even know what a poison stain they have placed in my heart. How it seems in turn a death sentence of sorts. After all a life void of love is a fate worse then death. If they know, do they even care? Are they sorry? Would they remove this cancerous wound from my heart and restore me?
I wish it could be undone, that I could turn back the hands of time and give him the heart that loved without fear.
I am so afraid.
Afraid that I will lose him, and it would be no ones fault but my own.
Afraid that he doesn’t have the will or the strength to guard is love for me and heal my brokenness with understanding.
I am sick in love with this man.
I have never loved another more, not even myself.
He is second only to my children in my heart.
I place him above even myself.
Dare I spoil his love for me with mere words-it would be something so tragic.