Mark Jones is a Dick!

I am so wholly frustrated... In the past couple weeks I have had to sit down and do more explaining to my children then I ever thought I would have to do before they hit Junior High School. I could go on and digress over how much of a deadbeat waste of space I think their biological father is; but then I have been down this road with all of you before and anyone that knows me knows that I detest the fact that the man sucks air off the same planet as I. I have thought for many years that the kids' dad had an unhealthy addiction to pornography; the countless high cable bills and phone bills and the hidden collections totaling up to about a dozen or more paper boxes were huge indicators and part of the reason that I excluded him from my life long ago. I can't explain why I try to be the bigger person for the children and let them have a relationship with him... I always felt that I was controlling it to some extent because he was never really alone with the children... I would make him visit with them at my home. It's like he himself is a child and needs to be monitored.
He came to me about a month ago and asked me for another chance with the boys. He had gotten a job now working at a local rest home doing laundry and he was trying to turn his life around and be more responsible...I found it hard to believe that he may have had an epiphany, but I wasn't exactly in the best situation still recuperating from injuries and  seemingly home alone with my children. He offered to pay back some of the money for a phone bill he had run up in my name only a couple months before and talked profusely about making right some poor choices he had made in the past. Most of this went in one ear and out the other with me as time and experience would prove to me over and over throughout the years that it's just better to believe it when I see it. He has never really been there for either of the boys in the traditional parental role; I closed that series of my life about a month after Gavin was conceived and began to realistically move on. His response to me ousting him from my life was to go get a tattoo of my name with hearts on his shoulder and to propose marriage...ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME... we are broke up.  This from a man that called sex lines religiously when we were together and continually endangered my children by being lazy and not watching them when he was supposed to? This from a man who ran up my telephone and cable bills to amounts that I would have never thought possible... thousands and thousands of dollars... simply insane.
I feel guilty a lot - I never wanted this life for my children.. a product of a broken home myself; my parents divorced when I was three and I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up. It was a constant fight for his time and emotionally I felt abandoned by him. My mother remarried when I was 5 to a younger man who never wanted children; I never liked him from the beginning... it's like an extra sense perhaps that children have to signify that people are just no good... he would later become abusive; telling me everyday that I was ugly and closing me off from the real world and making healthy friend relationships as a child, some of you may remember that I was never really allowed to have company over to the house and rarely allowed to go anywhere. When his and my mother's relationship fell to ashes, long about the time that I was about 15 or 16 he started making sexual advances towards me and subsequently I moved  to Massillon to live with my Grandmother... while my mother went through a divorce. I blamed myself, I blamed my mother, I blamed my father for not doing what it took to hold their marriage together... I hated the world. Why would I want this for my sons?
I try to keep him in their lives in some capacity and now I wish that I would have extinguished him all together so very long ago. My child recently brought to my attention some inappropriate behavior that his father exposed him to. He shared with my boyfriend Jason that he woke to find his father exposed in his bed,,, I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW... without getting too much into it - I feel like this is my fault. As far as I no nothing really happened as far as physically but I filed a report with children services and soon will be taking my sons to a forensic psychologist for an evaluation; by the grace of God it will take all the energy I have in my soul to make it through this and I am grateful to have Jason by my side to help me be strong for the children... and attempt to carry on as normal.
This seals the fact that Mark will have no contact with the children... this buries the guilt that I felt for not wanting him to be a part of their lives... but spawn new guilt that I allowed him access to them. It makes me wonder if he tried to burn the house down on purpose; an attempt to hide away the fact that he fucked up?
There are so many thoughts going through my mind at the moment I don't know how I can begin to explain... I am angry and scared and hurt all at the same time and mostly I am worried about my son and what this has done to him. I am worried about what I will hear when they talk to him and what they will discover and how that may make me feel to know. I mean who would ever think that a parent would do something like that? who would ever think that you could do anything to harm any child let alone your own biological child. Jason is furious and wants to harm Mark... typical reaction I think... he loves those boys like they were his own... but he is being so much stronger about this than I am... he calmly went through the children services intake interview with me and offered me a lot of consolation which I desperately needed. It is a long road that we have to journey down now and I am well aware that it is not going to be an easy one. I am glad to have a hand to hold and I am grateful for the people in my life that bring me strength and empower me. Thank YOU all of YOU...  Sorry to unload on all of you I needed to get some of this out.

I am green

I see you wrapped up in your whirl of love and I envy you...
stop and see me there I am the girl sitting alone in the distance in despair
wanting to be like you
painfully watching
wishing I knew
what it felt like to dance in the shine of my lovers fixated gaze
and be beautiful
if only to him
I don't blame you
I wouldn't notice me either
ahh to be in love
in bliss
something for me that has always seemed hit and miss
though I have longed for it with the ache of a thousand salt-soaked sores
with a churning in my soul that seems ceaseless
tiresome
a chore,
painting a smile 
and wiping away the tears each morning
I face the day and pretend
that it fits in my life
this finale
this end
this hallow emptiness
the shuddering cold of alone
laying in the night with no hand to hold
half can never be whole
it will always be less
and it misses the pieces that sought refuge in his chest
I cluttered his heart
and for that I am sorry
but cleaning me out and moving on leaves me so melancholy
broken and battered
with a heart that is shattered
finding it hard to delight in even the light of the star-filled night
I am the wilted flower in the vase on his table
the comfortable shoe he can bare no longer to wear
the ring of the phone on an empty street
the whistle of the wind that chatters your teeth
the envious
hateful
bitter
cynical girl
who once was just like that beautiful duo
who shone and sparkled
and passed others without notice
who gleeful laughed and boasted my moments
what irony
what iron rue
that hopelessly I stare
barren
mournful almost
without a clue
and in the moment that you pass...
dying just a little
to have it all back.

2-2-11

I wish I would have had some clue at the start of the day that things would go so horribly wrong. Today started much the same as any other day; awaken to the squall of the alarm clock only to find that school had already been canceled, my boyfriend was quick on his feet to tell my son to go back to bed and then hurried back to snuggle me off to sleep in the comfort of his arms... my most favored place to be.
The day set off without a hitch and we woke only a couple hours later to the soft creep of the dim morning light coming through our bedroom window. Jason and I both showered and got ready to face the day at hand; he pleasantly kissed me bunches and told me how beautiful I looked today and I thought to myself how wonderful is this man of mine. My boyfriend asked me if I just wanted to stay home or if I wanted to venture out into the weather to get the rest of the items that we were seeking for my son's Birthday which was only a couple of days away... I remember taking great notice to the fact that I was being asked and I couldn't place why the question stood out to me as something that I should take notice to... looking back now it's as if it were a sign of things to come... like I was playing a role in that crappy horror film Final Destination or like I was some wanton character in a choose your own adventure book of some unforeseen force. We opted to go out into the day and I recall hearing a radio DJ saying on the radio "why would you even go out in this weather if you didn't HAVE to"; hint number two I suppose. We were just sitting in the car mulling through traffic and had noted that we needed to check the bulb in the turn signal and that would would do it at our next destination since we had a replacement in the glove compartment of the car... and since the destination was only another 1/4 mile away that we should be fine until we got there... just then we see a Perry police officer in oncoming traffic, he did a u-turn and got behind us and subsequently decided to pull us over... GAME OVER... he had a warrant for failure to appear and he was driving on a suspended license... the officer placed both of us in the back of the car and called a tow truck for my vehicle... he then called Canton Police station to come and pick him up and asked me to call for a ride.... ARGHHHHHHHHH I am so effin frustrated! It seems that the simple decision to stay home could have avoided all of this... but he maintained that it was only a matter of time before they arrested him Anyways.... and that it was okay because now he would just be getting everything handled and not have to worry about it anymore. I hope that is true.
I am hoping that the judge will show mercy to him and not be so angry with him for not making it to court because I really need for him to be home and I know in my heart that any lesson that he needed to learn that it would seem that he already has. No punishment that the courts could give him for a misdemeanor charge could equal the amount of guilt he has expressed feeling for leaving me; especially while I was injured... I feel so terrible that he beats himself up about it, because I love him so much and the last thing I want to do is see him hurting.... and besides, I am just grateful to have him home - I feel so lost and less without him.
So here I sit - alone - waiting... I know now that the earliest that I will hear from him is tomorrow and the minutes are passing so slowly. I worry about him every minute that he is away from me - no one could love him like I love him... no one has his best interest at heart like I do and no one will go to the lengths to understand him like I do... I need him and he needs me - GIVE HIM BACK TO ME FOOKERS!