4-17-12 change

There has been so much weighing on my mind.. Why am I at this place in life where I contemplate every little outcome? It's like my head is suddenly filled with this weath of curious knowledge and I can't stop trying to fix everything and everyone - and yet it is painfully obvious that I haven't got control over a single thing.
The boys arrived off the bus this afternoon in tears. They had been fighting with one another physically and were exhausted and wanted me to choose sides. I silenced them and conceded to hear about it once we arrived home. Why does warm weather seem to bring out the crazy in people?
I have been emotionally drained this week... I am still struggling most days to get over the loss of my Mother. Easter holiday was hard - she was always such a fundamental part of that day for my children. I got through it - I bought the boys each a lavender lamb from Partylite (http://partylite.biz/sites/iwantmore) off my website outlet and they just loved them. I feel kind of like my Mama guided me to get them as she always used medicinal lavender oil to calm and relax those she loved including herself. The Boys said on their own accord that the scent reminds them of Grandma and it's comforting to me that they thought so. I warm the scent pouch for them at night and they seem to rest better.
I'm tired of people dying. Can't someone modify the heart so it won't break?
This past week my Uncle Dave Suteu comitted suicide. I guess that he left a note - so there is no mistaking his intent. As I understand it he had gotten in a fight with his sister Cathy over something trivial and she opted to press domestic violence charges on him. He then went to stay a couple of days at a friends house and let things blow over. Later his Mother had dropped off his medications and apparently later that evening he wrote a note and digested 20 Ocycotins. It is a sad state of affairs when people feel so lost an unloved and all of their hope is gone. Thing was, he was so very loved. He was my favorite Uncle. He always had kind words for me and he gave the best hugs. After my Mother and Step-father had gotten divorced not much of his family had opted to not keep in contact with me (the whole blood is thicker than water thing - they are dumbasses - their loss) but not him - he was gunna be my uncle dave forever and that was just it. I will miss him so much.
I wish that feelings showed on the outside and people could see your hurt as a direct result of their actions and words. Would it change the way they treated you? Would they opt to hold you instead of hurt you if they seen how close you were to the edge? Or would they opt to push you all the way because their hate and intolerance is just that strong? Part of me doesn't blame him for wanting out. It's hard to wade through all the indifference in the world and stay strong. I've had to let so many people out of my life because the burden of having them in it has simply become too great.
I get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible their spouses are to try to justify breaking their vows... or the same people crying because their spouse found out what a whore they are and they have abandoned them and taken everything... I keep thinking.. you reap what you sow. You see it everywhere around you and yet you don't want to make a change? Real change comes from within and you can only start with YOU!! Maybe if other people see the happiness that can come from living right they will want it for themselves. I can dream can't I?
This week my father was also in the hospital and had a close call. I am trying really hard to forge a relationship with my Dad. It's all I've really wanted from him my whole life. God willing I will find peace with him before either of us leave this earth.

4-4-12

Ominous day today... I've had this lurking feeling all day since when I first woke up. Everything seemed to stick out to me today; the scent of the air, the blueness of the sky, the chirping of the birds and the silence that surrounded me. It's strange to have time to think at all.. to have a moment ponder the passing events and reflect on how much has changed.
I've been bothered with a toothache for the better portion of the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to subside. It accounts for frequent headaches and irritation and a streaming lack of patience on my behalf. I miss my dentist... he was awesome. I haven't even gotten a dentist in New Jersey yet, much less one that I can trust... and here I am with tooth pain. UGH!
I feel as if I am slipping into an overall aggression. I'm easily bothered and lack my normal stem of tolerance which isn't all that much to speak of to begin with.
You ever want to say something to someone but you hold it in because you know that their view of how things are is so twisted that it will only cause an argument to say something? That is me , sometimes. Except I have a limit on what I can hold in and then it's bursts and I cannot stop myself... sadly it measures just the response that I knew it would and we are at square one with things because boy oh boy he knows how to be hurtful and when given the chance...he's malicious and brutal.
I don't understand how he can go from what appears a peaceful calm to a full on rage so freely... so instantly. It's rather disturbing. The alarming rage in his voice...the slamming of doors the shearing of even the air in the room... the brisk stomping.. the shouting of obscenities. It's grotesque.
I long for some aid for him. A healthy way for him to manage his anger but suggesting it is far beyond the spectrum of things that he would tolerate. I know what he expects and it's hard for me to bite down any free thought if the only reason would be to suppress it because it opposes him. I know he sees his wrong though he expects to not be questioned about it because to him it is trivial... as  if to reference that the wishes of anyone that is not following his immediate path is unimportant; though if you were to inquire directly he would say that's untrue. Men say women are complicated? You are kidding right?
I'd like to chalk it up to stress at work.
Hell I'd like to chalk it up to anything that is going to end it soon, then perhaps I could have hope.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I were able to leave the house... He knew what he was doing when he left my tire in the storage unit.