Ominous day today... I've had this lurking feeling all day since when I first woke up. Everything seemed to stick out to me today; the scent of the air, the blueness of the sky, the chirping of the birds and the silence that surrounded me. It's strange to have time to think at all.. to have a moment ponder the passing events and reflect on how much has changed.
I've been bothered with a toothache for the better portion of the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to subside. It accounts for frequent headaches and irritation and a streaming lack of patience on my behalf. I miss my dentist... he was awesome. I haven't even gotten a dentist in New Jersey yet, much less one that I can trust... and here I am with tooth pain. UGH!
I feel as if I am slipping into an overall aggression. I'm easily bothered and lack my normal stem of tolerance which isn't all that much to speak of to begin with.
You ever want to say something to someone but you hold it in because you know that their view of how things are is so twisted that it will only cause an argument to say something? That is me , sometimes. Except I have a limit on what I can hold in and then it's bursts and I cannot stop myself... sadly it measures just the response that I knew it would and we are at square one with things because boy oh boy he knows how to be hurtful and when given the chance...he's malicious and brutal.
I don't understand how he can go from what appears a peaceful calm to a full on rage so freely... so instantly. It's rather disturbing. The alarming rage in his voice...the slamming of doors the shearing of even the air in the room... the brisk stomping.. the shouting of obscenities. It's grotesque.
I long for some aid for him. A healthy way for him to manage his anger but suggesting it is far beyond the spectrum of things that he would tolerate. I know what he expects and it's hard for me to bite down any free thought if the only reason would be to suppress it because it opposes him. I know he sees his wrong though he expects to not be questioned about it because to him it is trivial... as if to reference that the wishes of anyone that is not following his immediate path is unimportant; though if you were to inquire directly he would say that's untrue. Men say women are complicated? You are kidding right?
I'd like to chalk it up to stress at work.
Hell I'd like to chalk it up to anything that is going to end it soon, then perhaps I could have hope.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I were able to leave the house... He knew what he was doing when he left my tire in the storage unit.
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