4-17-12 change

There has been so much weighing on my mind.. Why am I at this place in life where I contemplate every little outcome? It's like my head is suddenly filled with this weath of curious knowledge and I can't stop trying to fix everything and everyone - and yet it is painfully obvious that I haven't got control over a single thing.
The boys arrived off the bus this afternoon in tears. They had been fighting with one another physically and were exhausted and wanted me to choose sides. I silenced them and conceded to hear about it once we arrived home. Why does warm weather seem to bring out the crazy in people?
I have been emotionally drained this week... I am still struggling most days to get over the loss of my Mother. Easter holiday was hard - she was always such a fundamental part of that day for my children. I got through it - I bought the boys each a lavender lamb from Partylite (http://partylite.biz/sites/iwantmore) off my website outlet and they just loved them. I feel kind of like my Mama guided me to get them as she always used medicinal lavender oil to calm and relax those she loved including herself. The Boys said on their own accord that the scent reminds them of Grandma and it's comforting to me that they thought so. I warm the scent pouch for them at night and they seem to rest better.
I'm tired of people dying. Can't someone modify the heart so it won't break?
This past week my Uncle Dave Suteu comitted suicide. I guess that he left a note - so there is no mistaking his intent. As I understand it he had gotten in a fight with his sister Cathy over something trivial and she opted to press domestic violence charges on him. He then went to stay a couple of days at a friends house and let things blow over. Later his Mother had dropped off his medications and apparently later that evening he wrote a note and digested 20 Ocycotins. It is a sad state of affairs when people feel so lost an unloved and all of their hope is gone. Thing was, he was so very loved. He was my favorite Uncle. He always had kind words for me and he gave the best hugs. After my Mother and Step-father had gotten divorced not much of his family had opted to not keep in contact with me (the whole blood is thicker than water thing - they are dumbasses - their loss) but not him - he was gunna be my uncle dave forever and that was just it. I will miss him so much.
I wish that feelings showed on the outside and people could see your hurt as a direct result of their actions and words. Would it change the way they treated you? Would they opt to hold you instead of hurt you if they seen how close you were to the edge? Or would they opt to push you all the way because their hate and intolerance is just that strong? Part of me doesn't blame him for wanting out. It's hard to wade through all the indifference in the world and stay strong. I've had to let so many people out of my life because the burden of having them in it has simply become too great.
I get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible their spouses are to try to justify breaking their vows... or the same people crying because their spouse found out what a whore they are and they have abandoned them and taken everything... I keep thinking.. you reap what you sow. You see it everywhere around you and yet you don't want to make a change? Real change comes from within and you can only start with YOU!! Maybe if other people see the happiness that can come from living right they will want it for themselves. I can dream can't I?
This week my father was also in the hospital and had a close call. I am trying really hard to forge a relationship with my Dad. It's all I've really wanted from him my whole life. God willing I will find peace with him before either of us leave this earth.