3-26-12

I sat in the living room the other day with my five year old and watched 'The Wizard of Oz ' for his first time. I seen this look of awe and wonderment on his face and I felt so blessed to have that moment with him. It is literally the first time in days that he seemingly has sit still. I have been concerned quite a bit that he is experiencing some issues. I noticed that he is drawing a fair bit of his letters backwards and sometimes his behavior makes me think that he might be mildly autistic. It makes me sad to say that I mean no one wants to say hey there might be something wrong with my kid... but I am planning on talking to his doctor about it the next time that we go into the office.
For a five year old, he is pretty amazing. His imagination moves at light speeds and he is full of life. I am hoping with the warmer weather and the opportunity to run out the bulk of his energy during the day that he will be calmer and more manageable in the evenings. It has been really upsetting to my husband that he will flat out defy him and then turn to ask me what he should be doing. I try to reinforce that he must listen to my husband as well but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Not to mention that even though he may ask me what he how he should behave he ultimately does as he pleases despite what I say. I have tried having him repeat back to me what I ask of him - which he will do... but he still does the exact opposite. I don't force him to, but he refuses to hold eye contact and flutters around on the floor flailing his arms and what not as if he is in his own little world. If you attempt to hold his attention or to control him in anyway he simply melts into a tantrum of defiance and refuses to the point of total meltdown. Mean face, fisted handed, stomping feet, screaming, crying.. you name it. In my own ways I am trying to combat this behavior. I plead with him that it is I that needs his help... "Please hold my hand while we cross the street Gavin, Mommy is so scared when you don't hold my hand" This usually works and is not totally untrue. It scares the shit out of me to see my child run into traffic. I have a hard time lying to him.. well to anyone really. It's too much to maintain...and kids don't seem to forget anything... unless we are counting the rules! lol
I do not want to end up being one of those parents that medicates my child unnecessarily. I am trying to exhaust every possible measure that I can to get reins on him before I resort to that. There is so much about him that is enjoyable and so I try to focus on that and keep him more engaged so that he has less time to let his imagination run away with him or create in is head scenarios where misbehavior might become amusing. I am not always successful at this!

Forgive me

I wish that I could lay the pages of my heart open for you so that you would better understand some of the workings of my mind. I feel like I go over the edge with people time and time again and for nothing more than a great lack of communication. I want to be heard.,. who do you know that doesn't? I want to be appreciated for my thoughts and I want my advice to want to be given and rather taken... cause heaven knows I am better at running  your life then I ever was at running my own. But see I have gotten passed all of that and in a weird way life has handed me all the lessons that I needed to learn and perhaps finally I have learned the humility of being an adult and making the right choices.
My mother would always say to me that I can not fix the broken wing birds and that I was a far better person than her. I am sure that many of her constituents would beg to differ on that last point of interest. I often wonder what if my mother told them far different views of me... if she ceaselessly complained about me to them or if their hatred for me spawned on it's own. It was quite a blow initially to realize that in losing her that I had lost my entire family [or the one that I had always known anyway] but it was only upon further inspection that I realized that it was in fact me leaving them and not the other way around. The death of my mother had allowed me to see the ugly reality of the world and now that my eyes were open and I could see them for what they really were I really just didn't see the point of continuing on. I learned how to give up on people who I meant nothing to from my father. It has taken me half a lifetime to realize that I am a daughter to him only in name. I am the burden he never wanted. I was a deduction for his paycheck and a thorn in his side. I had hoped that when I had children that it would spawn some miracle epiphany in time and he would realize all that he missed. No such luck. He's probably drunk now with his liver disease and surrounded by his emptiness and I suppose he will exit my life and I will be but an after thought to those that knew him best. Despite it all I love him. I am simply done with offering myself up to people and trying so hard to fit myself inside of their tiny hearts. It's strange how free you feel when you let go of all the hurt you have been holding.
I am sad a lot over my mother. That will never change. There are moments that I think to myself why do I miss her so... and all I can come up with is that no matter how fucked up things were between us... we always got back to the place where we were there for one another. We knew each other so thoroughly that we could talk about anything.
John was a wedge between me and my mom. I hate him. I fight myself not to feel anger and resentment towards him. I struggled hard to be kind when my mother passed; knowing that he talked to her like she was trash and made her cry all the time. Knowing that he kept her from her grandchildren, knowing that he beat her, knowing that he made her try crack, knowing that he kept her from my grandmother. I hate him. I want answers and resolve that I will never get from him and all I can do is scan the obits hoping to find his name. Then I feel bad for that and I just want him to go on living forever with what he has done. Forgive me.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......



20. Share it with a friend! hahah!

the weekend of 03-10-12

It's been a rough week for me. My Mother's birthday draws near and this is the first that will pass without her here. I have been struggling to keep myself occupied and forego the time to reflect and completely break down.
The week started off well. I have been increasingly busy with PartyLite and focused on helping my hostesses get their shows in order. I have been talking to everyone about it because it is exciting for me to see it go well and also it keep my thoughts about my Mother at bay. Things have seemingly settled down at home and we are falling into some sort of family routine of pleasantries. Me and the husband go our rounds from time to time but the bottom line of it all is that we compliment one another so completely. It just always has been. I regret often that we couldn't have been the way that we are now.. our first go around; but then I guess we both had a lot of life lessons to learn.
There is always so much to do when you are looking for it! ha! I spent a considerable amount of time in my sons room today. I showed them how I want things to be put away for like the one million'th time since they were born, which loosely translates into I cleaned their room while lecturing them. I wish that althought they don't enjoy the task at hand they would be able to appreciate the satifaction that comes when the job is completed and the praise that follows. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I am trying to remain steadfast and stay consistant in my prodding to achieve.
Parent Teacher conferences were last evening, so we had an early supper and headed over to the school. The boys played outside with my husband and I went in to recieve the news. This was the first time that I had met Jaylon's teacher since we had his classroom moved. Ms. Richards is old enough to be my Mother plus some. About a foot shorter than I in stature and very thin. Her raspy voice began with barely a smile to tell me that she felt that he was improving but would benefit from more one on one time when it comes to homework with my husband. She used up my conference time with her and my younger son's teacher and could have likely continued to tear apart and disect my parenting abilities and turn them into her finely attuned teaching methods. She did however express that he shows a higher level of learning when it comes to thought processes. It was a bit agaonizing at the end and I was relieved it was over.
Good things and sunshine smiles came from my youngest son's teacher. She always has a positive, upbeat outlook on what the children do and it was refreshing to hear her talk about him. He is finally showing some improvement with his speech and showing an extreme artistic aptitude for art.
We are spending the weekend doing a bit of spring cleaning around the house. It's been warm enough during the day to open the windows and air things out a bit, but still cold enough at night to warrant having the heat on. The boys always make a big deal about cleaning around the house and doing chores and usually that means more work for me but this time my husband really gave 110% and help me pull it all together. I guess we are kinda celebrating our accomplishments by having some family over for dinner and letting them get a look at the place mildly put together.
I had plans to make some curtains for our bedroom, and a skirt for a table in the kitchen, and thus bought some material to do so when we went to Walmart last night. I was up until nearly one in the morning fiddling with the sewing machine becasue after having sewed 3 seams my bobbin ran out and I needed to fill another one and re-thread the machine. I am wondering now if I busted it when I put the housing back in because something obviously wasn't right when it ended up busting the needle. Stopped, replaced the needle, re-threaded the machine again and now it is not making stitches - UGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I gave up after an hour or two and resigned to trying again this morning.... without avail. I began to think about the time that my Mother had so patiently waited for me to take an interest and wanted to teach me the ins and outs of using the sewing machine and I had no time for it, a busy teenager with her own agenda - I could have cared less and I am kicking myself for it now. She is gone and can never teach me another thing and I would give anything to be able to be her attentive student for ANY course.. and indeed sewing as it has become something that I use frequently in adulthood. I try not to dwell on these regrets and think of times with her that bring a smile to my face.... like how she used to call me her munchkin and how she would chase me up the stairs to tickle me and how we had our own secret way of saying things and we laughed at the rest of the world together. I miss her.
I try to be for my children all the things that I am sure that my Mother would have wanted to be for me or that she would be proud of me for being. I am pretty sure that I still get it wrong quite often but I think that I am doing better than most people do and well at least I am trying right?
sunday is the 11th of March and this will be the first year that I have not spent this day with my Mother. It's hard to know what to do. I want to settle it in my mind somehow that she is gone and find a way to commemorate that day with something special and lasting that will close the hole her death has left in my heart.
I just wish that I could think of her without thinking about the day that it all happened and refeeling all those things that I felt. It's like the wound won't close.