the weekend of 03-10-12

It's been a rough week for me. My Mother's birthday draws near and this is the first that will pass without her here. I have been struggling to keep myself occupied and forego the time to reflect and completely break down.
The week started off well. I have been increasingly busy with PartyLite and focused on helping my hostesses get their shows in order. I have been talking to everyone about it because it is exciting for me to see it go well and also it keep my thoughts about my Mother at bay. Things have seemingly settled down at home and we are falling into some sort of family routine of pleasantries. Me and the husband go our rounds from time to time but the bottom line of it all is that we compliment one another so completely. It just always has been. I regret often that we couldn't have been the way that we are now.. our first go around; but then I guess we both had a lot of life lessons to learn.
There is always so much to do when you are looking for it! ha! I spent a considerable amount of time in my sons room today. I showed them how I want things to be put away for like the one million'th time since they were born, which loosely translates into I cleaned their room while lecturing them. I wish that althought they don't enjoy the task at hand they would be able to appreciate the satifaction that comes when the job is completed and the praise that follows. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I am trying to remain steadfast and stay consistant in my prodding to achieve.
Parent Teacher conferences were last evening, so we had an early supper and headed over to the school. The boys played outside with my husband and I went in to recieve the news. This was the first time that I had met Jaylon's teacher since we had his classroom moved. Ms. Richards is old enough to be my Mother plus some. About a foot shorter than I in stature and very thin. Her raspy voice began with barely a smile to tell me that she felt that he was improving but would benefit from more one on one time when it comes to homework with my husband. She used up my conference time with her and my younger son's teacher and could have likely continued to tear apart and disect my parenting abilities and turn them into her finely attuned teaching methods. She did however express that he shows a higher level of learning when it comes to thought processes. It was a bit agaonizing at the end and I was relieved it was over.
Good things and sunshine smiles came from my youngest son's teacher. She always has a positive, upbeat outlook on what the children do and it was refreshing to hear her talk about him. He is finally showing some improvement with his speech and showing an extreme artistic aptitude for art.
We are spending the weekend doing a bit of spring cleaning around the house. It's been warm enough during the day to open the windows and air things out a bit, but still cold enough at night to warrant having the heat on. The boys always make a big deal about cleaning around the house and doing chores and usually that means more work for me but this time my husband really gave 110% and help me pull it all together. I guess we are kinda celebrating our accomplishments by having some family over for dinner and letting them get a look at the place mildly put together.
I had plans to make some curtains for our bedroom, and a skirt for a table in the kitchen, and thus bought some material to do so when we went to Walmart last night. I was up until nearly one in the morning fiddling with the sewing machine becasue after having sewed 3 seams my bobbin ran out and I needed to fill another one and re-thread the machine. I am wondering now if I busted it when I put the housing back in because something obviously wasn't right when it ended up busting the needle. Stopped, replaced the needle, re-threaded the machine again and now it is not making stitches - UGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I gave up after an hour or two and resigned to trying again this morning.... without avail. I began to think about the time that my Mother had so patiently waited for me to take an interest and wanted to teach me the ins and outs of using the sewing machine and I had no time for it, a busy teenager with her own agenda - I could have cared less and I am kicking myself for it now. She is gone and can never teach me another thing and I would give anything to be able to be her attentive student for ANY course.. and indeed sewing as it has become something that I use frequently in adulthood. I try not to dwell on these regrets and think of times with her that bring a smile to my face.... like how she used to call me her munchkin and how she would chase me up the stairs to tickle me and how we had our own secret way of saying things and we laughed at the rest of the world together. I miss her.
I try to be for my children all the things that I am sure that my Mother would have wanted to be for me or that she would be proud of me for being. I am pretty sure that I still get it wrong quite often but I think that I am doing better than most people do and well at least I am trying right?
sunday is the 11th of March and this will be the first year that I have not spent this day with my Mother. It's hard to know what to do. I want to settle it in my mind somehow that she is gone and find a way to commemorate that day with something special and lasting that will close the hole her death has left in my heart.
I just wish that I could think of her without thinking about the day that it all happened and refeeling all those things that I felt. It's like the wound won't close.