Forgive me

I wish that I could lay the pages of my heart open for you so that you would better understand some of the workings of my mind. I feel like I go over the edge with people time and time again and for nothing more than a great lack of communication. I want to be heard.,. who do you know that doesn't? I want to be appreciated for my thoughts and I want my advice to want to be given and rather taken... cause heaven knows I am better at running  your life then I ever was at running my own. But see I have gotten passed all of that and in a weird way life has handed me all the lessons that I needed to learn and perhaps finally I have learned the humility of being an adult and making the right choices.
My mother would always say to me that I can not fix the broken wing birds and that I was a far better person than her. I am sure that many of her constituents would beg to differ on that last point of interest. I often wonder what if my mother told them far different views of me... if she ceaselessly complained about me to them or if their hatred for me spawned on it's own. It was quite a blow initially to realize that in losing her that I had lost my entire family [or the one that I had always known anyway] but it was only upon further inspection that I realized that it was in fact me leaving them and not the other way around. The death of my mother had allowed me to see the ugly reality of the world and now that my eyes were open and I could see them for what they really were I really just didn't see the point of continuing on. I learned how to give up on people who I meant nothing to from my father. It has taken me half a lifetime to realize that I am a daughter to him only in name. I am the burden he never wanted. I was a deduction for his paycheck and a thorn in his side. I had hoped that when I had children that it would spawn some miracle epiphany in time and he would realize all that he missed. No such luck. He's probably drunk now with his liver disease and surrounded by his emptiness and I suppose he will exit my life and I will be but an after thought to those that knew him best. Despite it all I love him. I am simply done with offering myself up to people and trying so hard to fit myself inside of their tiny hearts. It's strange how free you feel when you let go of all the hurt you have been holding.
I am sad a lot over my mother. That will never change. There are moments that I think to myself why do I miss her so... and all I can come up with is that no matter how fucked up things were between us... we always got back to the place where we were there for one another. We knew each other so thoroughly that we could talk about anything.
John was a wedge between me and my mom. I hate him. I fight myself not to feel anger and resentment towards him. I struggled hard to be kind when my mother passed; knowing that he talked to her like she was trash and made her cry all the time. Knowing that he kept her from her grandchildren, knowing that he beat her, knowing that he made her try crack, knowing that he kept her from my grandmother. I hate him. I want answers and resolve that I will never get from him and all I can do is scan the obits hoping to find his name. Then I feel bad for that and I just want him to go on living forever with what he has done. Forgive me.