Moving Down

Every time I step on the scale the number is going down. To many this alone would be a victory but I want to FEEL different. I want to feel stronger and slimmer and beautiful. Doesn't everyone?
I keep reminding myself that nothing happens over night and it's just going to take time to get to where I want to be. Being fit is not enough, I need to dump dead weight everywhere in my life and I am letting it be known that I am doing just that. I have already seemingly parted ways with friendships that have been unhealthy for years. People who freely took from me and gave little or nothing in return but sorrow and despair. I thought it would be heart-breaking but it's actually quite liberating every time.
I've been spending a lot of time cataloging and trying out new recipes that are healthier and tasty for the whole family, I'm trying to make a point to share them on my Facebook page and in the weight loss group that I am in. With any luck I will be able to put together a small cookbook before the year is out.
The weather is growing colder and I feel like I live under an electric blanket! My children complain that the house is hot, but I pay the bills and I am cold! The pumpkins have been carved, the trick or treating has ended and it's crazy but I am already thinking about Christmas. I will have to do so much rearranging to make room for my huge tree or I will have to break down and purchase a slimmer one. I feel like I have outgrown my space and I am ready for some new digs.
My oldest son has his first serious girlfriend. I can hardly believe where the time has gone. They've had a couple chaperoned fights and their first misunderstanding; so... dramatic! I forgot what turmoil and angst there is with being a teenager. His 14 year old girlfriend actually told me that I don't know what a heard life is! I was beside myself. I simply hung up the phone - it wouldn't be right to ruin her innocence by telling her the horror story that has been my life. Just because I look like I have it altogether doesn't mean that there isn't a tsunami raging beneath.
I think it's starting to sink in that time is getting away from me. I look at my children and it doesn't seem real that they have grown so much so quickly. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was cradling them in my arms and feeling drunk off their rhythmic breathing?
The winter months fill me with gloom. I have to work hard to stay distracted from all the death and cold outside until the rebirth of spring happens!

Getting off the clearance rack

Last we talked I was waiting for my surgery day to come. People tell you that the day will sneak up on you, but the days drug for me and seemed so long. I obsessed about the possibility of death and what outcome that would hold for my children. It's terrible how the mind works on you like that. I mean with every surgery there is a risk or possibility of death. I went to great lengths to survey the area hospitals and choose one with a low mortality rate - some might think that's funny as much as I proclaim "kill me now!" or "i wish I was dead" or some other totally  extra statement of woe and despair. 
The surgery went smooth and oddly I woke up from anesthesia thinking that I had been in a car wreck and being worried about my children. The majority of the recovery (so far) has gone smooth too. I do have pain, but not near as much as I anticipated. All in all it is a learning process and I seem to be right on track.
That being said...
I feel like I am losing everyone around me. Maybe when I had the surgery they removed my ability to put up with people's shit - not that I believe I had a high tolerance to begin with, but I really just cannot contain myself. It lends me to the idea that perhaps I should just stay away from people altogether. I don't think that will be a problem. Most of my so-called "friends" have been avoiding me like the plague since I had the surgery. I am beside myself with grief for them. I feel slighted and I'm tired of being the person who needs to just understand or accept what pittance you push forward. Why do I have to work so hard to cater to you in our friendship when you cannot begin to claim you do the same. Fuck you!
I've come to the conclusion that my friends list needs a revision. Effective immediately they are on notice and under review and believe you me - heads are rolling.
I never understood people saying that the surgery is your new birth date... but it's beginning to make sense. I think it's just impossible to make such radical changes in your life and not apply them all across the board. I've let people step on my neck my whole life. I've let people hold me beneath their thumb and guilt me into setting my own self asunder so that that they can be the star. 
No More!
You can walk beside me, or you can get behind me- but I will not bow, follow or let you beat me down any more.
I really don't give a fuck if it means that everyone finds the exit out of my life. I'm tired of biting back my tears and hurt because you hold yourself above me and think yourself better than me. What kind of friend is that anyways? 
I sat there last night thinking that I really wanted to call someone - to expel all the hurt I was feeling and have them validate it for me - but why do I need validation? I know that it is not wrong to expect people to treat you with care and kindness when you do the very same for them. I know it is not wrong to tell people openly and honestly how I feel in regards to our dealings together. Lastly, I know I deserve to be treated better. I am a good friend. I am a good person.
I have often told people in my life to not let people put them on the discount rack, because only they can determine their own worth. FORGIVE ME, for finally taking my own advice.