Am I the only one that feels like I am going through this thing alone?
It's been a little over 3 months and I am down 75# - that should feel like something I would think... but it doesn't. I don't feel much different than I did three months ago and sometimes it can be a little depressing. I still can't eat meat really - at least not more than a bite or two.... most days I don't feel like eating much at all; so I drink protein shakes and protein water and of course I eat my buffet of vitamins and supplements.
To cool thing is that I have got the kids both wearing their fitbits and tracking their food too and we are all being more healthy because of it. Of course they are only taking a flintstone chewable, but it's cute to see them geeking out on fitness.
It's weird to let go. To realize that it wasn't just weight that I was carrying around but pounds and pounds of feelings. I'm not an emotional eater; but I can confess that when life gets me down I am guilty of sulking and not being very active. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I mean I have been pretty good at this mom thing; but I can always see room for improvement and I hope when they look back they see that I always tried.
I have spent a lot of time, in the passed few months, evaluating my life and relationships and feeling honestly a bit disgusted with what I have settled for, accepted and allowed up and to this point. I am at no loss for people in my life that want to make me feel bad, use me or mistreat me. My Mother always said that I had a thing for broken-winged birds and the evidence is all around me.
It's weird how offended people get when you put your foot down and remove yourself from the discount rack. The same people that are comfortable beating you down to make themselves feel better or draw the attention away from the wrong that they have done to you are the same ones who can't seem to stand it when you toss the truth at them and demand fair treatment. Goodbye! I have no time for their shit in my life! What a freedom it is to let them go. I won't lie, it's been heart-wrenching... and there were many times that I thought that I would cave and reach back to them, but I had to realize that I made it this far without them - in spite of them... and hell if I can do that, I got this!
People always say you can't choose your family... and I get what they are saying... but I can choose to be without them and I can choose to make them go on without me. Same for the some of the time so-called friends that filled my life once with all their demands and needs but when I needed them they were ghost.
You would think my life empty. lonely. Sometimes that feels real to me and some days it hurts. So I've exchanged those words for carefree and peaceful. Not that I get much peace with two growing boys! I do so much with those little maniacs that I sometimes feel stretched a little thin. I feel like I can give them so much more without the devils always clicking at my heels to right their wrongs and live beneath their judgement. It feels good to be the mom that is involved... and I mean really involved, not just attending. It feels good to know not only what is going on with my children but to be a guiding force and a loved mother figure to many of their friends. I love my home being the safe place where they can be themselves and be loved and accepted for the real them that they never have to hide from me.
Almost a week to Jaylon's birthday, I can't believe that he is going to be 14 already, it seems like only yesterday I was taking him home from the hospital - it's no lie that time flies. I wish I could go back - there is so much that I would want to do differently. It's hard to see it when you are living in the moment - but looking back, thinking back... it's crystal clear. I wish so badly sometimes that I could dig inside of their minds and know how they thought everything went. I guess all I can do at the end of the day is hope they know how much I love them.
Gavin will be starting a new school soon. There was an incident at the school he was attending and they chose to restrain him ( I was beside myself and contacted an attorney). He'll never forget that. I'll never understand why people like to hurt him. The new school is sensory & autism friendly and he did a couple trial days and really enjoyed it. It's a shorter day, a shorter week and an education geared directly to him. he will stay there until he graduates if he wants and can even prepare for college and still pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian!
Jaylon won second place in his weight class at Federal League tournaments this weekend and has another match tonight against Manchester or Hudson! Go Bears!
Monday, January 29, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Teen Suicide, Tide pods & Parenting
We've got a lot of ground to cover. Buckle up!
I'm sure every parent has thought that they've had a harder go at it then their parents did raising them. At least that is what I tell myself, when I'm resisting the urge to bitch about my parenting woes. Perhaps it's true in some regard, as the world is constantly changing and evolving and you have to grow with it. Whether you want to or not.
I never thought I would be the one sitting here, coining phrases like " I long for a simpler time" or "when I was a kid"... blah blah blah, but here we are.
A neighboring school district has been battling a rash of teen suicides. They've had about 1 per month since school has started. People are so quick to point the finger and place blame. The community wants so badly to have someone or something to crucify for all this heartache. Ironically, I don't think that it is any one thing that is causing children to feel despair these days.
There has always been bullying and there will always be bullying... but let's face facts it was NEVER the way that it is now. If someone talks shit about you or you make a mistake you are risking only a few people knowing or even it being contained within your school and community.. you are facing judgement and ridicule globally. Worse yet, there is likely to be video evidence of it. How can you live that down?
Everyone has an opinion and our youth are constantly looking for validation. Are they good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, trendy enough... you get the idea. They spam polls and pictures throughout social media fishing for affirmations and are often times met with something quite the contrary. There is some real ugliness on the internet.
In an era of challenges and a yearn for followers and media attention we have some how spiraled into this phase of people pretending to/ eating Tide pods?
Are parents even in the equation? I mean I'm not trying to lay blame on parents, because let's face it if a teen wants to get away with something they will find a way. However, that being said, I think that parents as a whole have become pretty disconnected from their children. So busy working or trying to "have a life", so afraid to offend or trigger their children by telling them no or making restrictions... maybe this isn't you, but I'm certain that someone comes to mind almost immediately that fits the bill.
I constantly hear from my children how I'm unreasonable and how they need/want more "freedom" like their peers. They are independent and don't need chaperones or "babysitters". I have to laugh, because I'm not ready for grandchildren and I want them to out live me, so yes, I'm going to be in "their business". I don't judge them. They can be who they want to be... it's a little late to really stop them... but I can guide them.... they have come to accept it. It's a lot to keep up with and some days I feel like I am losing my mind. How do you stay ahead of an ever-evolving technology?
Every day is a nightmare and a blessing. I worry if I am doing enough and if any of it is actually sinking in - and they surprise me all of the time with their kindness and compassion. So maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be all of the time and that's the only place we should be. There's just no way that I can stop shooting for the moon, even if I'm consistently lading only in the stars.
Lastly, my heart breaks for all of the parents losing children. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I hope peace find your hearts and our community heals soon.
I'm sure every parent has thought that they've had a harder go at it then their parents did raising them. At least that is what I tell myself, when I'm resisting the urge to bitch about my parenting woes. Perhaps it's true in some regard, as the world is constantly changing and evolving and you have to grow with it. Whether you want to or not.
I never thought I would be the one sitting here, coining phrases like " I long for a simpler time" or "when I was a kid"... blah blah blah, but here we are.
A neighboring school district has been battling a rash of teen suicides. They've had about 1 per month since school has started. People are so quick to point the finger and place blame. The community wants so badly to have someone or something to crucify for all this heartache. Ironically, I don't think that it is any one thing that is causing children to feel despair these days.
There has always been bullying and there will always be bullying... but let's face facts it was NEVER the way that it is now. If someone talks shit about you or you make a mistake you are risking only a few people knowing or even it being contained within your school and community.. you are facing judgement and ridicule globally. Worse yet, there is likely to be video evidence of it. How can you live that down?
Everyone has an opinion and our youth are constantly looking for validation. Are they good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, trendy enough... you get the idea. They spam polls and pictures throughout social media fishing for affirmations and are often times met with something quite the contrary. There is some real ugliness on the internet.
In an era of challenges and a yearn for followers and media attention we have some how spiraled into this phase of people pretending to/ eating Tide pods?
Are parents even in the equation? I mean I'm not trying to lay blame on parents, because let's face it if a teen wants to get away with something they will find a way. However, that being said, I think that parents as a whole have become pretty disconnected from their children. So busy working or trying to "have a life", so afraid to offend or trigger their children by telling them no or making restrictions... maybe this isn't you, but I'm certain that someone comes to mind almost immediately that fits the bill.
I constantly hear from my children how I'm unreasonable and how they need/want more "freedom" like their peers. They are independent and don't need chaperones or "babysitters". I have to laugh, because I'm not ready for grandchildren and I want them to out live me, so yes, I'm going to be in "their business". I don't judge them. They can be who they want to be... it's a little late to really stop them... but I can guide them.... they have come to accept it. It's a lot to keep up with and some days I feel like I am losing my mind. How do you stay ahead of an ever-evolving technology?
Every day is a nightmare and a blessing. I worry if I am doing enough and if any of it is actually sinking in - and they surprise me all of the time with their kindness and compassion. So maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be all of the time and that's the only place we should be. There's just no way that I can stop shooting for the moon, even if I'm consistently lading only in the stars.
Lastly, my heart breaks for all of the parents losing children. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I hope peace find your hearts and our community heals soon.
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