Am I the only one that feels like I am going through this thing alone?
It's been a little over 3 months and I am down 75# - that should feel like something I would think... but it doesn't. I don't feel much different than I did three months ago and sometimes it can be a little depressing. I still can't eat meat really - at least not more than a bite or two.... most days I don't feel like eating much at all; so I drink protein shakes and protein water and of course I eat my buffet of vitamins and supplements.
To cool thing is that I have got the kids both wearing their fitbits and tracking their food too and we are all being more healthy because of it. Of course they are only taking a flintstone chewable, but it's cute to see them geeking out on fitness.
It's weird to let go. To realize that it wasn't just weight that I was carrying around but pounds and pounds of feelings. I'm not an emotional eater; but I can confess that when life gets me down I am guilty of sulking and not being very active. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I mean I have been pretty good at this mom thing; but I can always see room for improvement and I hope when they look back they see that I always tried.
I have spent a lot of time, in the passed few months, evaluating my life and relationships and feeling honestly a bit disgusted with what I have settled for, accepted and allowed up and to this point. I am at no loss for people in my life that want to make me feel bad, use me or mistreat me. My Mother always said that I had a thing for broken-winged birds and the evidence is all around me.
It's weird how offended people get when you put your foot down and remove yourself from the discount rack. The same people that are comfortable beating you down to make themselves feel better or draw the attention away from the wrong that they have done to you are the same ones who can't seem to stand it when you toss the truth at them and demand fair treatment. Goodbye! I have no time for their shit in my life! What a freedom it is to let them go. I won't lie, it's been heart-wrenching... and there were many times that I thought that I would cave and reach back to them, but I had to realize that I made it this far without them - in spite of them... and hell if I can do that, I got this!
People always say you can't choose your family... and I get what they are saying... but I can choose to be without them and I can choose to make them go on without me. Same for the some of the time so-called friends that filled my life once with all their demands and needs but when I needed them they were ghost.
You would think my life empty. lonely. Sometimes that feels real to me and some days it hurts. So I've exchanged those words for carefree and peaceful. Not that I get much peace with two growing boys! I do so much with those little maniacs that I sometimes feel stretched a little thin. I feel like I can give them so much more without the devils always clicking at my heels to right their wrongs and live beneath their judgement. It feels good to be the mom that is involved... and I mean really involved, not just attending. It feels good to know not only what is going on with my children but to be a guiding force and a loved mother figure to many of their friends. I love my home being the safe place where they can be themselves and be loved and accepted for the real them that they never have to hide from me.
Almost a week to Jaylon's birthday, I can't believe that he is going to be 14 already, it seems like only yesterday I was taking him home from the hospital - it's no lie that time flies. I wish I could go back - there is so much that I would want to do differently. It's hard to see it when you are living in the moment - but looking back, thinking back... it's crystal clear. I wish so badly sometimes that I could dig inside of their minds and know how they thought everything went. I guess all I can do at the end of the day is hope they know how much I love them.
Gavin will be starting a new school soon. There was an incident at the school he was attending and they chose to restrain him ( I was beside myself and contacted an attorney). He'll never forget that. I'll never understand why people like to hurt him. The new school is sensory & autism friendly and he did a couple trial days and really enjoyed it. It's a shorter day, a shorter week and an education geared directly to him. he will stay there until he graduates if he wants and can even prepare for college and still pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian!
Jaylon won second place in his weight class at Federal League tournaments this weekend and has another match tonight against Manchester or Hudson! Go Bears!
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