Pause.
Inhale deep.
It's all going to be okay.
How desperately I need to hear that sometimes. I feel like I have been drowning since my Mother died and all the subsequent things that have occurred since have only compounded my worry and beaten me down just that much more.
People say that you never realize how much someone means to you until they are gone - but I don't believe that. I knew how much she meant to me and sadly how emotionally dependent I was on her.
Can you measure life in kisses?
I think about how many times I kissed my Mother, or for that matter how many times she kissed me... I'm sad often that I can't recall more of them vividly.
I remember reading something once that told me that people used to believe that souls intermingled when people kissed one another, perhaps that was with lovers... I can't remember now but what a grand thought.
I think about all the kisses I have "wasted" and wonder how many more I have to give. Life is truly too short.
My youngest son talks about death a lot; he worries that I will leave him and he doesn't want me to go. To be so young and to have experienced so much loss it breaks me to the core. "I never want you to leave me Mama"... Oh baby, I never want to leave you either! I would love to look at him and tell him that I will grow very old and that I will be there for him for a very long time but no one really knows that and it's a lie I cannot bear to burden him with.
I know a lot about leaving.
It seems criminal to me at times to be alone. My minds swims with thought & worry about so many things and I need someone to share them with. My Mother was great at this...she Always knew just what to say and she was a good listener... I will probably never know that depth of love and compassion again in my life.
I get downtrodden because I believe that I am an inherently good person of moderate moral character and it ails me that I can't find that in someone else. Love. Acceptance. Tolerance. Patience... Okay I'll admit, I am not always the greatest with being patient, but I do try. I see these people that are so cut-throat and mean spirited dishing it out to people that are kind and I don't want to be the door mat... And I am sad for the people who are.
My intentions are always good. I think I am making the right choices and I have the best of intentions and somehow it ends up all screwed up and not at all how it was intended.
The last couple of years have been a whirlwind... Filled with loads of heartache and despair.... Honestly I am still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sad that my good intentions and desire for a happy life for me & the children let me be so misguided. What's worse my Mother knew and maybe it killed her that I would not heed her warning. How foolish I was to listen to the lies and miss out on my last chance to hold her.
How small I feel with my children. How insignificant in this world you feel.. So isolated and alone. I swear when I was driving the other day that I heard her shout to me... I must be losing my mind.
