When will I learn?

When will I learn?
I mean I have been trying off and on for 36 years to make my father want to be a father and for 8 to entice him to be a grandfather.
I called the man listed on my birth certificate this evening and talked briefly with his wife while I waited for him to come to the phone. I heard him ask her who was on the phone and she said "your daughter, she called for you." to which he responds " I don't want to talk to her" she exclaims.. " YES you do " to which he replies "No I don't, I am going to bed" It is 5:30pm in Las Vegas.
I guess you got to try alcoholic assholes for phone time before they get started on their self-destruction of the day. I can't remember one single time that I have felt wholly loved by my father. I can't recall a single instance where I felt like I had his full attention. Where his friends didn't come first. Where he went out of his way just for me.
I think he resents me.
My mother had told me many years ago that when she had told him that she was pregnant he asked her to have an abortion. She was 16, he was 19 and already had a failed marriage under his belt and a daughter he abandoned. When I asked him about this, he 'couldn't recall saying it' at all and quickly changed the topic to the way that he had forced his way into my mothers life, heart & eventually pants. He ruined her life; subsequently he created me and I ruined her life. She could have been a great artist; she had so much potential. Instead, she dropped out, worked herself into disability & despair in going nowhere factory jobs; never going to college but eventually finishing up for her GED.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I seek him out only to get kicked in the teeth again and again. Sad thing is that I tried to have a heart to heart with him after my mother died and he couldn't hardly even stay focused on the situation. The whole call didn't last more than 7 minutes. He sent flowers. I needed him to do so much more.
Shame on anyone who thinks that parenting can be part time ot that has a child that is not the center of their universe.
I weird to hate someone so much and feel love or obligation to them at the same time.
If I thought he would listen I would tell him...
to know that you don't love me is like swimming in fire.
to here you rufuse me is like salt-soaked knives to my skin.
to always reach to you and you never reach back is an empty hole no one can fill.
I wish that i was more important to you than your bad habits.
I wish you could decide that you want a daughter and grandchildren before you actually NEED us.
I wish we mattered to you.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to hurt me.
I wish I could walk away.
I wish I could make you understand what I need... or even that you genuinely wanted to be that for me.
You don't deserve me and I don't deserve your torture.
You are a mean asshole and I hate you right now.