Mark Jones is a Dick!

I am so wholly frustrated... In the past couple weeks I have had to sit down and do more explaining to my children then I ever thought I would have to do before they hit Junior High School. I could go on and digress over how much of a deadbeat waste of space I think their biological father is; but then I have been down this road with all of you before and anyone that knows me knows that I detest the fact that the man sucks air off the same planet as I. I have thought for many years that the kids' dad had an unhealthy addiction to pornography; the countless high cable bills and phone bills and the hidden collections totaling up to about a dozen or more paper boxes were huge indicators and part of the reason that I excluded him from my life long ago. I can't explain why I try to be the bigger person for the children and let them have a relationship with him... I always felt that I was controlling it to some extent because he was never really alone with the children... I would make him visit with them at my home. It's like he himself is a child and needs to be monitored.
He came to me about a month ago and asked me for another chance with the boys. He had gotten a job now working at a local rest home doing laundry and he was trying to turn his life around and be more responsible...I found it hard to believe that he may have had an epiphany, but I wasn't exactly in the best situation still recuperating from injuries and  seemingly home alone with my children. He offered to pay back some of the money for a phone bill he had run up in my name only a couple months before and talked profusely about making right some poor choices he had made in the past. Most of this went in one ear and out the other with me as time and experience would prove to me over and over throughout the years that it's just better to believe it when I see it. He has never really been there for either of the boys in the traditional parental role; I closed that series of my life about a month after Gavin was conceived and began to realistically move on. His response to me ousting him from my life was to go get a tattoo of my name with hearts on his shoulder and to propose marriage...ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME... we are broke up.  This from a man that called sex lines religiously when we were together and continually endangered my children by being lazy and not watching them when he was supposed to? This from a man who ran up my telephone and cable bills to amounts that I would have never thought possible... thousands and thousands of dollars... simply insane.
I feel guilty a lot - I never wanted this life for my children.. a product of a broken home myself; my parents divorced when I was three and I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up. It was a constant fight for his time and emotionally I felt abandoned by him. My mother remarried when I was 5 to a younger man who never wanted children; I never liked him from the beginning... it's like an extra sense perhaps that children have to signify that people are just no good... he would later become abusive; telling me everyday that I was ugly and closing me off from the real world and making healthy friend relationships as a child, some of you may remember that I was never really allowed to have company over to the house and rarely allowed to go anywhere. When his and my mother's relationship fell to ashes, long about the time that I was about 15 or 16 he started making sexual advances towards me and subsequently I moved  to Massillon to live with my Grandmother... while my mother went through a divorce. I blamed myself, I blamed my mother, I blamed my father for not doing what it took to hold their marriage together... I hated the world. Why would I want this for my sons?
I try to keep him in their lives in some capacity and now I wish that I would have extinguished him all together so very long ago. My child recently brought to my attention some inappropriate behavior that his father exposed him to. He shared with my boyfriend Jason that he woke to find his father exposed in his bed,,, I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW... without getting too much into it - I feel like this is my fault. As far as I no nothing really happened as far as physically but I filed a report with children services and soon will be taking my sons to a forensic psychologist for an evaluation; by the grace of God it will take all the energy I have in my soul to make it through this and I am grateful to have Jason by my side to help me be strong for the children... and attempt to carry on as normal.
This seals the fact that Mark will have no contact with the children... this buries the guilt that I felt for not wanting him to be a part of their lives... but spawn new guilt that I allowed him access to them. It makes me wonder if he tried to burn the house down on purpose; an attempt to hide away the fact that he fucked up?
There are so many thoughts going through my mind at the moment I don't know how I can begin to explain... I am angry and scared and hurt all at the same time and mostly I am worried about my son and what this has done to him. I am worried about what I will hear when they talk to him and what they will discover and how that may make me feel to know. I mean who would ever think that a parent would do something like that? who would ever think that you could do anything to harm any child let alone your own biological child. Jason is furious and wants to harm Mark... typical reaction I think... he loves those boys like they were his own... but he is being so much stronger about this than I am... he calmly went through the children services intake interview with me and offered me a lot of consolation which I desperately needed. It is a long road that we have to journey down now and I am well aware that it is not going to be an easy one. I am glad to have a hand to hold and I am grateful for the people in my life that bring me strength and empower me. Thank YOU all of YOU...  Sorry to unload on all of you I needed to get some of this out.