I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. Every day I sit here and my mind swims with thought. A thousand things rolling through my mind and I begin to feel like I am going crazy. I haven't slept right in so long that I feel like a zombie. I feel like I am walking through each day just merely going through the motions and not really there at all to the point that I begin to ponder what is real and what is not. I wondered for the longest time the other day if the distance between us was merely a manifestation of my mind and if I was purely imagining it because I was not really here at all. I half expected to see another walk through my doors and be in my place in life because it just all seems so surreal.
The children are indifferent, they don't listen and their attitudes at times are so grotesque that I feel as if I have failed.
I try hard to be a good mother, a good wife and a good friend; but for the most part I feel like I am putting all this effort forth and really not getting anything in return sometimes.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted and I know this is no way to feel.
I knew from the moment I met my husband that I loved him. ( Before I ever even really knew him) and maybe I had expectations built up of how things would be and that is the reason that I get let down. The first time that we were together I lived with blinders on and believed that everything was perfect, I still don't really know, even now, what went so horribly wrong on my behalf - if ever there was any fault of my own to begin with. Fidelity was a pressing issue back then and the ultimate reason that I had chosen to part ways with him and so when then opportunity presented itself for us to reunite I spoke to him in length about my only real reservation being that I wanted him to be loyal and faithful.
There have been many issues that we have crossed since we have gotten married. We rushed into this marriage.. So overwhelmed with love and needing someone in each of our lives that we could depend on. Our feelings of elation were quickly drawn to a halt with the passing of my Mother that has in a sense crumbled the very foundation on which I stood and broken me emotionally. I don't know if it's because he has never really learned how to deal with the things that he feels or if it was me all along but it was difficult to find a way back from there. There was a lot of fighting in those first few months. I felt greatly like he was over burdened with regret and that I was feeling that he was selfish and uncaring. I felt invisible and sadly, sometimes I still do. It's obvious to all that know him and no mystery to him, I am certain that he has anger issues. The normal stresses of life seem to ebb away at his peace and calm and you see him trying to retreat when others still seek resolve. Nothing ever really seems to get dealt with.. Merely brushed under the proverbial rug of life and moved past.
I should have left when he left me & the children on the side of the highway that night... Or even the time that he almost punched me in the face in a rage... But I feel frozen. I love him. He's the only person left in the world that knows all of the groady mishaps in my life and still chooses to love me. Leaving him is like letting go of a piece of me forever and dropping it into the wastes of the world never to be seen again. Maybe that is what breaks me so badly about my Mother passing... Parts of me died with her and in some weird way I lose this identity.
I got married. My Mother died. These are realities, and in the wake of my grief, though sad over all the me that I was losing, how ironic is it that I chose to change even more.. Until sadly I make myself so unrecognizable to even myself. I relocated two states away and left behind the life I had known and had comfort in. I left any support system emotional or otherwise that I had always had. I changed my hair color, my hair cut, my jewelry, my grooming habits, my behaviors and even the way that I dressed. I became focused on being whatever would or could yield me a different result in a sorrowful attempt to please others, mainly my husband. Sometimes I even wonder who this person is when I look in the mirror. This fat, plain, miserable bitch stares back at me with and emptiness and brokenness that I have no idea how to recover from.
It is no secret that my Mother had her reservations about my marriage. She worried for me and had made mention that she would always be waiting "for the boot to drop", she wanted happiness for me but doubted that I would have it here. She must have flipped in her grave the day I found those naked pictures of another woman and sext-messages on his phone. It was so hard to bite back my tears and shoo my children off to school. I lied to my youngest and told him that I just didn't feel well but inside I just wanted to fall on the floor and die. I can hope that is over and not still an issue, but I will probably never really know for certain; I'm sure of only one thing and that is that he will likely be more careful about what traces he leaves behind.
In recent weeks there has been no real discord to report between he & I. Things have been generally pleasant and still my heart breaks a little. The distance between us is gaping... Often times I feel like anything but his wife. We aren't intimate and it seems like every activity and movement is carefully set to prevent this action. Awkward agendas full of activity that negates and opportunity for intimacy and my mind swims with thought of reasons why this would occur. He acts like I am crazy when I bring it up... Stating to me how he thinks everything is fine and that it is merely coincidence and how he can't understand why this would be a concern for me or be upsetting me and painfully all I can wonder is why doesn't he want me and how is he not dying inside to be touched and loved and sadly with recent events wondering if someone else is fulfilling this need for him. It's gutted my very pride. I've spoken to him and made mention many times with yet no resolve and we are now passing the one month mark. I feel alone. Like an unwanted guest in a life that is not my own. I wish I knew some way to make it better and improve things but I feel at a loss.
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