12-1-2010

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to do the right thing and be the best person that you can be, there is always someone waiting to kick you when you are down? It has been a consistent pattern in my life that whenever things are going well... they is always someone there to reap my rewards and put me back under and when I am already down on my luck there is someone who thinks it just isn't low enough and beats me down further. I could sit here for hours and go on about how pissed I am at my kids' father for not getting his shit together and being a dad or paying the tens of thousands of dollars that he owes me for child support... I could go on and on about all the worthless shits that called their selves my friend and asked me for help and though I gave it, they straight kicked me in the teeth and dipped without repaying me; the countless people with the "wimpy syndrome" that always want to borrow something today and promise to pay you back later - yet never do and are right there asking you for help again... It seems I am surrounded by people that want to stand on my shoulders just to watch me drown.. It's always been that way.. DAMN I GOTTA QUIT BEING A BLEEDING HEART!!!
I always thought that if you tried your best to help people in need when you are able that the "good karma" that you are putting out by doing so would come back to you. Yet, in reality it just leaves me with my face hanging out
Yesterday was such a humbling day for me in so many ways... more of a culmination of many events coming to a head. Several times now I have opened the doors of my home to people trying to be a helping hand to them and in turn get some financial relief from the economy that every one seems to be sinking in at the moment. Truth is... None of them realize just how expensive it is to keep them in your home... to feed them and provide for everything... UGH and cleaning up  after them.... frankly they don't give a shit even if they do know... and it is certain that is how they ended up in that situation to begin with. The few "friends" that I helped... well it all seemingly started with good intention and got to a point where it was best just to end it. The nearly 2K that I am out of pocket doesn't matter to them and they have not attempted to pay me a nickel of the money that they promised me. Despite all of that I decided to extend a hand to a family member and let her stay on three separate occasions... the first went off well.. and she paid me the rent that she promised... the second she lived off of us for a week or better and dipped paying us nothing... and the third and final time she burnt that bridge forever... promises, promises, promises... she is the queen of them... " let me smoke all of your cigarettes, I will replace them 10 fold when I get paid" (LIE), "let me eat all of your food... I will buy my own food when I get paid and pay you back for the food that I ate"(LIE), "drive me to work and anywhere else that I want to go... I promise that I will give you gas money", "Take care of my puppy... I will take care of yours when I am home" (yeah right), "let me get this cell phone from you now... I promise that I will pay you for it as soon as I get paid".... it goes on and on... End result she dipped to go back to her "boyfriend" that she cries verbally abuses her and that she plots to cheat on all of the time and gives us &60 and 4 packs of cigarettes and says I shouldn't have even done that? I mean seriously? She shows up demanding her things that we already told her that we were holding until she settled up with us and then refuses to pay us and calls the cops...... hahahhaha! The funniest part was watching the officer make hand gestures near his head... stating " that girl obviously has issues", even a stranger looking in could tell in a single moment that she had things all screwed up. The cop made her give the cell phone back and in return I gave her the belongings that she left here and wrote her off.. if she doesn't pay me back the money that she put me out then she will be a stranger to me. PERIOD
On top of everything else I took my son to the doctor yesterday and they end up sending us back to the other doctor... he has a lump on his neck again and as soon as they discover it - I am in tears... why does this keep coming back.. and I start to wonder if my insurance is good enough for them to really investigate it or am I failing my child some how and they will only stabilize the immediate concern and it will be a continual process to go through. If frustrates me to no end the lack of regard our nation holds for their brothers and sisters...they care more about filling their pockets then saving our nation with realistic results and they cry to us for more and more money that they spend  lining their own pockets... do you think a single one of them would take pay cuts to save families? They keep telling us to see the bigger picture... but in the end do they really even have a plan? Our country needs a serious overhaul.