Reflection

I hate looking back on the past and letting my mind run away with contemplation. I think that nearly everyone has moments where they consider the course of their lives and how they got to the point where they are currently, but I wish that I could just stop myself in my tracks sometimes. I have absorbed, essentially, many traits of people that have filled spaces in my life over the years and I have taken in to my habit scheme their fears, insecurities and inhibitions some how. It's odd how you can fight so hard to be your own person and stand on this firm ground only to find out somewhere along the lines that your rock was merely a shell filled with quicksand. I have always thought that I take the best away from people... That I discovered things in others that enriched me in ways or rounded out my personality in a sense and incorporated them into my life.. It seems however after some reflection that I have taken some bad with the good.
I find myself in a place mentally and emotionally that seems proverbially like a terminal gate at the airport... So many choices of a destination and although I have a clear mindset as to where I would like to end up, I am sitting before these gates, unclear as which to choose to get where I am going. In the real world.. You can easily ask for clear direction and you have at least a shot of getting the desired result, with minimal room for error. I wish it were so cut and dry when making life choices.
I am a worry wart... I always have been.. I most likely always will be. I can't turn my head off and I constantly think and find reason for concern in my life. I feel like I always have so much on my plate and I am pulled at the seems trying to meet all of my obligations and somewhere along the lines I am falling short... Or am I? It's hard to be a parent and know the right path to travel with your children. In addition to worrying about their safety and health, you have to wonder if you are doing the things that will enrich their lives in a positive manor and help them to make choices that will lead to the healthy productive filled with happiness that you wish for them. My Grandmother used to always assure me that that main objective was simply to do the best that you can do and put them first in your life whenever humanly possible. I feel like I do that.... In fact I feel like the greater portion of my goal set is derived from the things that I want to make happen for them or that I feel are necessary to help them grow into responsible adults... I think every parent wants the best for their kids, but it is easy for me to find fault in the way that things go. Sometimes it simply feels like I am beating my head against the wall and getting nowhere with them. They are so headstrong and set into the idea that they can pretend to not know what we have went over a million times and skate away Scott-free. I have to wonder at these times is they are playing dumb with me or if they just didn't pay attention at all... I hear selective hearing is quite common.
It's not just my kids... It is everything.. My family, my job, my health, my home, my relationship... So many factors figure into the whirlwind ransacking my brain. I find myself seeking approval from everyone and wanting to keep the peace and somehow getting lost in the midst. I hear a voice in my head saying "you can't please everyone"... And I feel myself responding sometimes... "I can try" - that can't be healthy - LOL
I took great notice yesterday in the middle of the day that I had taken into myself and seemingly altered my behaviors based on another's criticism of my some many years ago. I looked back to it and thought it odd that I remember fighting that comment so boldly when that person was in my life and seemingly defending my behaviors with rational, well thought out retort and justification... So why then after they were gone did I without notice or coherent thought change this behavior and conform to their criticism? It bothers me greatly that I didn't even notice that I had changed it. I can only conclude that words sit with people. You sink these things into yourself and digest them in such a way that even if you put them totally out of your mind they have a way of staining you and swaying the course of your life.
That worries me...
It causes me to reflect upon other actions in my life and give great scrutiny to my reasoning behind them... OMG do I even know who I am? LOL Once worse... What about the impact that I have on others? I mean I have said and done some pretty messed up shit in my life out of anger and intolerance for others. I admit, I generally try to retract my hate and indifference when my anger or hurt has subsided but I can be a real asshole when the opportunity presents its self. (I'm sorry)
I genuinely want to be a good person, a good mother, a great girlfriend, a model citizen, a treasured friend and heaven help me ... A loving & kind wife on day. I want to be employee of the month, woman of the year and featured business owner of the community. I want a verifiable obituary, filled with amazing truths about the goodness I gave the world and the people who I was lucky enough to have touch my life... It would be great to do all of that and have people actually miss me when that times comes. LOL
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'd have to say that road leads directly to my high-rise condo next to the lake of fire... See you there @ the end of days.