It never ceases to amaze me how people can find it so easy to do you wrong when even you are trying your very best to safeguard their emotions even though you want to so badly just let them fall flat on their face and suffer for all the wrong that they have done to you.
Men, I will never understand the ones that enter into relationships without honesty in their heart, the ones that want to make the relationship a journey of agonizing discovery. They sit there and tell you how great you are and how you are everything that they want and then they are constantly trying to second guess you in a way by talking to other girls - you hear the lies spewing forth from their lips like a poison fog and you want to disbelieve what your heart and head makes painfully obvious - so you wait and when the proof comes you are crushed just like you knew you would be; but it is undeniable and right there in your face.
But the worst of it all is now that you know they fucked up and you are walking away they continually try to pull you back and their offensive is a GUILT TRIP. Avocation that you never wanted , but that is completely bought and paid for and if you have any heart at all and or any love for this person ever it simply rips your beating heart from your chest - but it really seems so pathetic now that your feelings are dwindling that they would even try to pull you back in with some stupid bullshit.
The men in my life seem to be famous, if not infamous for this shit and I am continually getting my feelings trampled on in that respect. I am seriously ready to go on a rampage sometimes and commit serial menocide. fuck em - kill them all.
It makes me really sad, as I sit here, a single mother of two boys. I fear what they will grow up to become. I try to raise them the best that I can, but what if it goes deeper than upbringing? I mean I have some control over what they are molded into before they are introduced to society but what after the ills of the world consume them and start to ebb away at the precious angels I gave birth to?
It leaves me with a sense of desperation - as if it is all out of my hands somehow and then what will I do - I feel like I would hurt them if I ever seen them do the things that I have experienced in some of my relationships.
I keep hearing that there are good guys out there, and I hopefully will get to believe that someday... it takes a lot of consistency to prove this point to me and to date no one has been able to go the extra mile...maybe it is me?
Who Fucking knows? I know that life is always as it should be and there is really nothing that you can do but to slide with the rotation of the planet and hold on - hoping for the best. I mean I believe that you can be proactive and that your decisions mold the outcome and course of your life somehow - but that it is all kind of already decided and predestined. I must have been a real ass in my lives prior and be paying for it in this life.
The very worst of it all is that I am a very emotional person and I never want to hurt anyone. I guess in a sense I seek out wounded souls, I want to and have to fix them? (oh gawd, do i have issues or what?) I mean is it like if I fix them then I can right all the wrongs in my own life. The layers beneath filled with all the swirling emotions of a tattered heart? But you see these wounded people are unstable in a sense and so when it all falls apart they get all emo and so I worry. I am fighting that now and trying hard to be strong about it. To hold on to the people and things in my life that are good and that make me happy, instead of falling prey to the bleeding heart assholes that already tossed my heart in the dirt.
But I can never explain it, people don't ever want to let go of me. They fight so hard to get me and when they have me they don't want me and when they lose me then they fight to hold on. Makes no sense to me at all. can't I ever just have it the way that it is supposed to be?
All I really want is someone that can accept me for who I am and be with me for all the right reasons and none of the wrong ones and be who they say they are and really mean all that they bring to my life with their whole heart. I want them to be everything for me that I am for them or at least try their very best to be. If I could get that, I would hold on forever and never let it go, and maybe, just maybe for once be truly happy and totally light-hearted, with no regrets or reservations.
Maybe that is closer than I think. I can only hope. I can only take it as it comes and see and slowly fade the drama of they exes into the background and focus on the foreground.
ENOUGH OF MY COMPLAINING - for now