I can't be the only soul that constantly works to improve myself and my surroundings. I think that some times it seems fruitless or I just don't have the ability to make the changes that I want at the particular time; but eventually it all ends up how I want it.
I stood in my kitchen this evening and felt that satisfaction when I reached for something it was there. Exactly where I put it. Exactly where I needed it and it felt good to go through the motions of my evening without all the anxiety and stress. I can be a bit neurotic. Don't look at me like that is a bad thing! I get shit done!..... efficiently!
I feel like I have been in a whirl wind the past couple of weeks. The year is flying by already and I have been so busy that I can barely think straight some days. It doesn't leave me a lot of time to deal with other people's bullshit or maintain my friendships and I find myself thinking that I need to make a better effort to reach out to people and then I instantly think "fuck them!" I mean if they can't reach out to me why the hell should I always have to be the one licking everyone's royal asshole?!
People just don't treat others right anymore. Everyone is so self serving and rude and careless with the hearts of others that I can't help but be disgusted and want to be away from it.
This woman snatched my money from my hand the other day when I was buying my son a tea and it was all I could do not to blurt out that I wasn't the reason that she was making minimum wage at a shitty fast food spot. Instead I looked at my son and told him " this is why you HAVE to go to college"; he knew exactly what I was talking about.
Bad thing is... I don't really feel any disdain towards this woman and her poor life choices or hap hazard circumstances. I know nothing about her journey or where she is at - so later I feel bad, because I too have been victimized by other people's judgement for my hasty responses in the wake of a bad day. Not bad enough to go back and sympathize with her... but I spent entirely too long thinking about the circumstances that caused her to snatch my money... and hell... maybe she is just a cunt who snatches things! *sigh
I'm so busy during the day that I really don't mind being alone. I can move at my own pace and no one is bitching about me belting out my amazon playlist at the top of my lungs as I dance from room to room cleaning. It's when it gets to be this time of night that I really feel the pinch. I sit here like I am waiting for someone to walk through the door until I snap out of it.
The amount of stress in my life has been recently overwhelming - so I have been doing a bunch of deep cleaning and reorganizing. (Don't judge me) It's weird how everything being tidy and lemon scented can be sedating. I think it makes me miss my mom less. I've really been feeling her in the back of my mind lately. I wish she could just tell me what she needs to- I'd surely love to hear it. Oh what I wouldn't give to talk with her. I don't think it's ever really going to sit with me that she is gone.
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