That's right... officially one week until my surgery. The Optifast diet is driving me bonkers... so many weird things happen to your body while one this diet. Worse yet it really messes with your mind. It's weird how I felt so confident about this diet going into it and with one swift kick it humbled me wholly.
I have my pre-surgery testing tomorrow and I know there will be a weight check and more lab work. I'm assuming that my labs from last week went okay because I haven't heard anything to the contrary.
I ate and ice cream cone today.
no that is not part of the diet.
I felt like a failure, but it didn't stop me from finishing it.
I kept rationalizing to myself that I might never even be able to eat dairy after the surgery. I made a lot of excuses. In all, the hard reality was that I was the fat girl behind Dairy Queen eating an ice cream cone and crying. How did I become this girl? The Optifast diet.
It breaks you.
No one truly prepares you for the way it breaks you.
People spit all this drivle about how they faithfully stuck to it and they added their little flavorings and they suffered through because they want the surgery so bad - and maybe they did - but I don't believe it. From where I stand it is highly improbable and I ration to myself that they just don't want to admit it.
I'll be the first.
I'm a fuck up. I make mistakes and I'm not perfect, but I am still here and I am still trying. No lie I took a dose of Magnesia and guzzled some water - and I am hoping to shit my brains out and make weight in the morning at testing. How did I get here?.... Optifast.
I've had opportunity to talk to others that went through other hospitals and were allowed other foods and such and only did clear liquids and a bowel prep the day before surgery. Me? I got three weeks of Optifast.
What's the messed up thing? The damn ice cream cone wasn't as good as I remembered.
Oh well, what's done is done. I came home and finished out my shake regime for the remainder of the night and ate my little two cups of lettuce. Yet, the feeling of defeat stays and it is coupled with worry. The surgical team is so focused on scaring you into doing what and a less intelligent person might not see through it - but after the first time you admit fucking up and they tell you "that's okay, we have it set up so that if you make mistakes you can still be successful"... UGH!!!!! give it to me straight! I hate when people like or manipulate.
I went to my preoperative testing this morning, alone. It's not that I am not capable of going alone; but who likes not feeling supported? This is a big thing and it doesn't seem to sit with people how huge this is. Eating has damaged my body. Obesity is the biggest form of self mutilation that everyone ignores and minimizes.
There was construction at the surgical center. I parked at the Emergency room parking lot because it was a closer option, and still I parked about a quarter mile away (it felt like I walked for a day). I complained in my head the whole time about all the people that are in my life and how their absence was affecting me now. Mumble mumble...they will want to come to my funeral though... mumble mumble... always wanting me to do something for them... (you get the point) Did I forget how to mention how extra I am sometimes?
I entered the surgical center and was greeted by a...get this...
Valet.
The blinding pain ripping through my lower back prevented me from responding to the following statement he uttered.
"You know, Valet parking is free for patients at the surgical center."
I couldn't even open my mouth because I knew it wasn't his fault but I would want to take it out on this man. I am sitting there wondering why no one would bother to tell people that prior to them walking in the door.
The appointment was fine, even though I waited over an hour to be seen. I had completed all of my labs and only needed to be weighed and go over all of my info. (I was down 4 pounds) This is the last time until the day of my surgery that I will be weighed.
No comments:
Post a Comment