John

Some things will never change. From the moment that I met my Mother's boyfriend I never liked him. There was an uneasy feeling that I had about the way he carried himself and over the years he proved true every inhibition that I had. I guess you can say that the feeling was mutual and that we never got past that intense disgust for one another. When my Mother passed suddenly almost two years ago now, tensions were high. My Mother was quite basically the sole means of support to this man and though she was not a rich woman, she managed through her means to carry him through the greater portion of the last several years. I hated him for the times that he beat her, for the times that he talked to her like she was garbage and for the many tear-stricken phone calls that she had shared with me at the cause of his hand. I hated the way that she would tip-toe on eggshells and the fact that she kept up with him only because the thought of being alone or starting over was too great for her to bear. I felt robbed when she was instantly gone and he kept crying to everyone about the grief that he felt, but secretly assumed that my Mother meant nothing more to me then a few worldly possessions and that I was not hurting at all.
I tried, right after she had passed, to befriend him. I felt sorry for all the discord between us over the years and I wanted to have someone to cry with. My children knew this man as their grandfather and I guess on some level I had hoped that I could maintain that relationship for their benefit. What a loss to my children to lose their Grandmother and to suffer the loss of him as a consequence was unbearable and I didn't want it to be that way.
I got a lot of pressure from persons in my family, with their own agenda I would later find out, to settle things quickly as I would have to be leaving the state again soon and this time for good. I know it must have been hard for him, but it was hard for me too. It was surreal to have her gone and it was even harder to watch him pilfer through her belongings and make comments on how he was going to give them to other people. These were not his things to give away and frankly I lost it. Legally I could have had the police remove him from that house and I could have removed everything, but all I really wanted was the things that belonged to my Mother and had been passed down to her over the years. In the end, I didn't even get that. I didn't fight the stuff with the courts, I felt like I went out of my way to make it easier on him and to just let it go - and he has no idea what concessions I actually made for him. He just hates me.
I was settled with the thought that I would never speak to this man again. Hard as it has been to grieve alone and walk forward without barely a shred of my Mother left to existence, I had done just that.
Prior to my Mother dying she had told me about my Uncle Bobby having lung cancer and that he was going to die. She explained to me that he didn't want anyone to know, but that she wanted to prepare me for it in a sense. I spoke to his oldest daughter the other day and she had mentioned it to me again... and so I conceded and called him. I wanted just to let him know that I loved him and I wanted to hear his voice. During our conversation he indicated to me that My Mother's boyfriend had wanted me to contact him and so I made arrangements to do that today. I should have left well enough alone. He only wanted me to call so that he could verbally abuse me and try to make me feel worse. My nightmare continues.

Know Your Enemy

you listen as your tucked beneath their wing
force fed all their idiology
you kneel and pray
to the god they created
the martyr they raised
as they smothered the pagans
you murder and kill
in your Jesus name
the 'god of love'
have u gone insane?
seperation of church
and of state
all lies of the enemy
as they contemplate
the demise of the strong
and contempt for the weak
young minds that awaken
with sand beneath their feet
fighting the fight
for all of our 'freedoms'
when in reality
they are brainwashed slaves
yet they call us heathens
serving a king in a kingdom
blind to the lies
the masses fall to slaughter
raping mother earth
bloodletting sons and daughters
i beg of you to rise
and open up your eyes
to educate your mind
and leave this crazed existance
research and you will find
the truth that has been hidden
be not silenced
when u become awakened
know your true enemy
rise up and forsake them
smother and smite them
as they would do you
an eye for an eye
let the teaching stand true

Rise!

With society in this twist of genocidal hate
forced to fear by a government that does nothing but regulate
and propagate confusion within the weak
to put words into motion
releasing kept minds
this used to be our priviledge
now it is our crime
SILENT NO LONGER with ignorant mentality
up on a soap box with a plan for reality
How can one stand?
How can one speak?
and yet find the strength to go out and preach?
to teach?
to RISE against
NO MORE, say you
shall we be lambs to the slaughter
bleeding out
to feed our father
to fight his war
which fuels his gain
RISE
RISE, I beg you
don't be plain
a wise man spoke
before he was broke
and said fear NOTHING but fear
every great man who has had a plan
has been reaped in the prime of their year
this power is scared
and the speaker can no longer be silenced
for his message was given
before they brought him violence
So SPEAK i say you
tell all who will listen
that it is our duty
and our mission
as a people
red, white, yellow and black
to rise up
and take the power back!

suicide

poison womb
cold and polluted
feelings fade
and are diluted
tearing away emotional sanity 
a blade at my wrist
brings the feeling of free
calculated betrayal
of a heart that felt love true
smothered by your plastic lies
gasping and turning blue
cold and lonesome
this fate that i ensue
once again
i play the fool

Enslaved

Trust in me
He says to you
You are safe with me
Beneath the moon
Come here to me
Hide within my arms
Look in my eyes
Fall prey to my charms
The crisp autumn breeze
The bewitching dew
Lifted from your feet
Body weak with desire
The bite so deep
Surges your body with fire
You writhe and you wiggle
Your strength is depleting
Memories flash in your mind
Although they are fleeting
A warm crimson pour
Your heart growing fainter
Your fight is strong
But his power is greater
A knife in his hand
He carves with precision
A sweet little fountain
A new life you are given
You feel so alive
All your senses awaken
Your hunger is savage
Be naught mistaken
Animalistic needs
On a cold hallows eve
Enslaved by vampire
Broken here, lay me.

Deconstruction of a Prom Queen

a tiny tiera graces her head
manicured fingers and congradulations said
the flawless smile
the angelic face
the perfectly tanned body
no competition found to date
society fed her
their stereotypical ideas
of how to look
dress,
and how to feel
every day she looks in the mirror and
flaws she finds
and must make perfect in time
"eat less and you'll be fine"
outwardly she appears to be the queen
inside she's still
just an empty me
the scale becomes
a daily obsession
she must be perfect there is no question
her friends and family
they do not see
the battle within
the deconstrucion of the queen
she hungers
yet she does not nourish
lies and excuses
spawn and flourish
"please make me what he wants me to be"
"i feel so fat"
"just let me be"
her body grows weak
and is dying a little
the rat race ends
in the hospital
they teach her to see
through the lying mirrors
to walk away from obsessions
and her psychological fears
many years pass
and she's different somehow
no expectations
and now...
no crown
the scales disappear
and all the full length mirrors
she heals they think
but the fear is still near
"will someone love me?"
"have i let myself go?"
"how can i be perfect, if I have no control?"
one day comes along
a new love with a limit
the worries begin
and her whole heart is in it
the need to be flawless
she sees once again
"i'll eat less"
"i'll lose a few pounds"
"he's not gonna love me...
if i get round"
outwardly people think she's on top
yet inside
she's torn
will she ever stop?

addicted to you

love
real love
that defeats the boundries of space and time
love that lasts forever
unconditional;
hard to find
head racing with thoughts of hearts intertwined
skipping a beat
when we speak
and the world fades around us
only you and i exist
could it be real?
don't wake me if i'm dreaming
don't want to be sad and alone
fists of rage and inside screaming
kiss me again
my heart swoons and soars
till i'm breathless
dying a little
still begging for more
touch my hand
let my senses become all that you are
the warmth of your touch
the aching i feel
the hurt and the heartache
if this can't be real
needing and pleading
and searching your eyes
sinking deeper in desire
subsisting on this man of mine
ears filled with the beat of your heart
with the whisper of your sweet words
drunk on the fire in my heart that you burn
wrap me in your arms
lose sight of our seperateness
tangled and intertwined
mangled and meshed with forgetfullness
make me gasp
make me hunger
i'm greedy when it comes to you
never leave me lonely
envelope
consume
anger
excite
renew
swept with ceaseless, undying passion
addicted to you

The Caged Bird

it's not fair!
i scream in rage
that i be cooped up
in this cage
not free to fly
off in the sky
and run into your arms
fall prey to all your charms
i have to be without you
why?!
i know naught
this is true
day after day i ponder
still i haven't got a clue
your life is there
and mine is here
the path that unites us
still remains unclear
each day we share
though from afar
and wish upon
the falling stars
to find a way
into each others hearts
and one day be together
and hopefully forever
both broken and beaten
and yearning for fate
hope we figure it out
before it's too late
so i know why
the caged bird sings
her heart is lost
without her lovers beat
and so she cries out
to the night
free my lover
and set him in flight.

mission possible

tied down and helpless
prey to my charms
wicked submission
and never no harm
let me kiss and
delight you
tease
and excite you
a devilish confection
whip cream
drips from your erection
a taste
of heaven for my tongue
let me lick
and nibble
fingers wander a little
you're almost there
but im not done
i feel you tremble
and hear you moan
so real and exciting
a fire igniting
my body you own
i wanna feel you inside me
you beg " please untie me"
and now i know it's on
im so wet with desire
i ache for your fire
the heat we'd create
you feel so good
im so weak
your so strong
you fuck me so right
and all night long
we bathe in the ecstacy
our desires envision
and live all our fantasies
orgasm; our mission

gimme that, goodbye

tears in your eyes
as i walk away
done
and over it
nothing left to say
moving on is easy
for the one who chose to leave
you feel what it is to lose, now
and you want to hold on to me
i don't think you ever were in love
you found it easy to be cruel
but now you are so sweet and kind
now that we are through
you plead and beg everyday
for me to take you back
you even got down on one knee
as if I'd agree to that
you can't step on someone
for years upon years
until the finally let go
only to beg them to hold on tight
and try to make them your own
when it's over
it's really over
there can be no turning back
just move on
and let me be
if you "love" me
gimme that