When will I learn?

When will I learn?
I mean I have been trying off and on for 36 years to make my father want to be a father and for 8 to entice him to be a grandfather.
I called the man listed on my birth certificate this evening and talked briefly with his wife while I waited for him to come to the phone. I heard him ask her who was on the phone and she said "your daughter, she called for you." to which he responds " I don't want to talk to her" she exclaims.. " YES you do " to which he replies "No I don't, I am going to bed" It is 5:30pm in Las Vegas.
I guess you got to try alcoholic assholes for phone time before they get started on their self-destruction of the day. I can't remember one single time that I have felt wholly loved by my father. I can't recall a single instance where I felt like I had his full attention. Where his friends didn't come first. Where he went out of his way just for me.
I think he resents me.
My mother had told me many years ago that when she had told him that she was pregnant he asked her to have an abortion. She was 16, he was 19 and already had a failed marriage under his belt and a daughter he abandoned. When I asked him about this, he 'couldn't recall saying it' at all and quickly changed the topic to the way that he had forced his way into my mothers life, heart & eventually pants. He ruined her life; subsequently he created me and I ruined her life. She could have been a great artist; she had so much potential. Instead, she dropped out, worked herself into disability & despair in going nowhere factory jobs; never going to college but eventually finishing up for her GED.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I seek him out only to get kicked in the teeth again and again. Sad thing is that I tried to have a heart to heart with him after my mother died and he couldn't hardly even stay focused on the situation. The whole call didn't last more than 7 minutes. He sent flowers. I needed him to do so much more.
Shame on anyone who thinks that parenting can be part time ot that has a child that is not the center of their universe.
I weird to hate someone so much and feel love or obligation to them at the same time.
If I thought he would listen I would tell him...
to know that you don't love me is like swimming in fire.
to here you rufuse me is like salt-soaked knives to my skin.
to always reach to you and you never reach back is an empty hole no one can fill.
I wish that i was more important to you than your bad habits.
I wish you could decide that you want a daughter and grandchildren before you actually NEED us.
I wish we mattered to you.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to hurt me.
I wish I could walk away.
I wish I could make you understand what I need... or even that you genuinely wanted to be that for me.
You don't deserve me and I don't deserve your torture.
You are a mean asshole and I hate you right now.

Catching Up 2-4-12

It's been in my mind to write for several days at this point, but I have

been in so much pain and it seems to put me on edge ( I'm kind of a

cry-baby... ya I know hard to believe right? lol) Back pain sucks!!!!...

that will be all.
Okay lets get down to business and do some catching up. I had previously

spoke about the fact that we were trying to have my son to switch

instructors ( he's in second grade ). The principal decided to accept my

request [ not like he really had much of an option as I told him I would

take it to the Superintendent if he did not ]. I am quite pleased with my

son's new instructor. It pleases me to have some order and continuity in

my child's life, especially since I make great strides to do these things

at home. It's bittersweet in many ways him moving to this new class; I

found out that the previous teacher has him three units behind in English

and 5 units in Math!!!! It is an outrage! (((SHE SHOULD BE FIRED)))
I am happy that he will finally be getting the quality education that he

should have been getting all along - and sad that he was wrongfully put

at such a disadvantage.
I am ever so grateful for the mild winter season and the beauty of the

sunshine upon my face. It's helped level out my mood some and given me a

ton of time to reflect positively on missing my mother and not succumbing

to the blues of the season. I still grieve her every day, but finally at

least I have gotten to a place where I am not living it each moment to

the next over and over again.
Nothing will ever replace the gaping aching abyss that was spawned in the

mist of her departure from this Earth... but I am trying to revel in the

JOY of the now. ( catch me when I fall please )
My youngest son is doing great with his speech therapy and has perfected

the K sound finally! I am so very proud of him for working so hard!
We are gearing up for valentines day here and I am looking forward to

making a valentine box with my oldest son tomorrow! I remember quite

fondly doing this very project with my Mother! Oh some of the crazy

things that we created! She was excited much like I am and buzzing

through the house gathering craft items and then off to the store we

would go to get the final items! I am very excited to make messes

tomorrow morning with my children after our typical Sunday family

breakfast... I am blessed and I am so very grateful.
It's hard to get older and move forward sometimes. I remember a year or

two ago being in the car with my children and sun appeared after a quite

heavy rain and my oldest son, who I think was about 5 at the time, had

inhaled deeply and sighed an "ahhhhhhhhh" and then says " Mama can you

smell the rainbows?" ... What a crime sometimes to lose the innocence of

childhood... how I wish I could go back to the time where rainbows had a

distinct smell to me and I wasn't so consumed with life that I forgot to

take notice. How sad. Damnit!! I want to smell the rainbows! I want to

see Angels, I want to pick daisies, and float on my back in the ocean

until it feels like my legs disappear. What a crime that there are no

do-overs.
I am hoping to be able to take some pix of the valentine box creation

project tomorrow and post an update - yet we are also celebrating my sons

birthday tomorrow so it may be a busy day.