Deconstruction of a Prom Queen

a tiny tiera graces her head
manicured fingers and congradulations said
the flawless smile
the angelic face
the perfectly tanned body
no competition found to date
society fed her
their stereotypical ideas
of how to look
dress,
and how to feel
every day she looks in the mirror and
flaws she finds
and must make perfect in time
"eat less and you'll be fine"
outwardly she appears to be the queen
inside she's still
just an empty me
the scale becomes
a daily obsession
she must be perfect there is no question
her friends and family
they do not see
the battle within
the deconstrucion of the queen
she hungers
yet she does not nourish
lies and excuses
spawn and flourish
"please make me what he wants me to be"
"i feel so fat"
"just let me be"
her body grows weak
and is dying a little
the rat race ends
in the hospital
they teach her to see
through the lying mirrors
to walk away from obsessions
and her psychological fears
many years pass
and she's different somehow
no expectations
and now...
no crown
the scales disappear
and all the full length mirrors
she heals they think
but the fear is still near
"will someone love me?"
"have i let myself go?"
"how can i be perfect, if I have no control?"
one day comes along
a new love with a limit
the worries begin
and her whole heart is in it
the need to be flawless
she sees once again
"i'll eat less"
"i'll lose a few pounds"
"he's not gonna love me...
if i get round"
outwardly people think she's on top
yet inside
she's torn
will she ever stop?

addicted to you

love
real love
that defeats the boundries of space and time
love that lasts forever
unconditional;
hard to find
head racing with thoughts of hearts intertwined
skipping a beat
when we speak
and the world fades around us
only you and i exist
could it be real?
don't wake me if i'm dreaming
don't want to be sad and alone
fists of rage and inside screaming
kiss me again
my heart swoons and soars
till i'm breathless
dying a little
still begging for more
touch my hand
let my senses become all that you are
the warmth of your touch
the aching i feel
the hurt and the heartache
if this can't be real
needing and pleading
and searching your eyes
sinking deeper in desire
subsisting on this man of mine
ears filled with the beat of your heart
with the whisper of your sweet words
drunk on the fire in my heart that you burn
wrap me in your arms
lose sight of our seperateness
tangled and intertwined
mangled and meshed with forgetfullness
make me gasp
make me hunger
i'm greedy when it comes to you
never leave me lonely
envelope
consume
anger
excite
renew
swept with ceaseless, undying passion
addicted to you

The Caged Bird

it's not fair!
i scream in rage
that i be cooped up
in this cage
not free to fly
off in the sky
and run into your arms
fall prey to all your charms
i have to be without you
why?!
i know naught
this is true
day after day i ponder
still i haven't got a clue
your life is there
and mine is here
the path that unites us
still remains unclear
each day we share
though from afar
and wish upon
the falling stars
to find a way
into each others hearts
and one day be together
and hopefully forever
both broken and beaten
and yearning for fate
hope we figure it out
before it's too late
so i know why
the caged bird sings
her heart is lost
without her lovers beat
and so she cries out
to the night
free my lover
and set him in flight.

mission possible

tied down and helpless
prey to my charms
wicked submission
and never no harm
let me kiss and
delight you
tease
and excite you
a devilish confection
whip cream
drips from your erection
a taste
of heaven for my tongue
let me lick
and nibble
fingers wander a little
you're almost there
but im not done
i feel you tremble
and hear you moan
so real and exciting
a fire igniting
my body you own
i wanna feel you inside me
you beg " please untie me"
and now i know it's on
im so wet with desire
i ache for your fire
the heat we'd create
you feel so good
im so weak
your so strong
you fuck me so right
and all night long
we bathe in the ecstacy
our desires envision
and live all our fantasies
orgasm; our mission

gimme that, goodbye

tears in your eyes
as i walk away
done
and over it
nothing left to say
moving on is easy
for the one who chose to leave
you feel what it is to lose, now
and you want to hold on to me
i don't think you ever were in love
you found it easy to be cruel
but now you are so sweet and kind
now that we are through
you plead and beg everyday
for me to take you back
you even got down on one knee
as if I'd agree to that
you can't step on someone
for years upon years
until the finally let go
only to beg them to hold on tight
and try to make them your own
when it's over
it's really over
there can be no turning back
just move on
and let me be
if you "love" me
gimme that

True Story

straight -faced with crooked conversation you abstain from lifting even the inflection of your tone to comfort or console until it melds into something that makes mutes of us both
the silence is deafening but far less brutal then the space in between that eats at my peace and increases my need and desire for the love that I know in you still I haven't got a clue not a single rhyme or reason why our promises might flail like a bird with broken wings
and yet it seemed
that the door has closed and you are pressing your fingers to it to keep me out to stop me from helping and on the other side I sit crying and yelping and pleading and praying to be your honey balm to the burn the cruel cold black sun left upon you
your pride makes you think that it is you that needs saving and so you flatly and boldly refuse - OPEN open your eyes hear my sighs of discontent and fear and abandon naught the love in me that you so easily seen and grasped with a clutch of a giant tho meek and sweet and coy in my presence
you are mighty
and fierce
and strong
it is i who are weak and lay in waiting - isolated, longing and yearning for
YOU
true story
Like

live without love

Why?
Why do people say that they love you
only to tear you apart
only to break you down
everyday
everyday
everyday
words like razor blades
to shred
and tear away your happiness
and they delight
all the while
like a child
it's a trap
an endless cycle
and you long..
long... for release
and you need..
need to be free
but you're bound
and chained
to the hatred
that they breathe
the air they pollute
and you gasp
and grasp
at the thought of escape
an end to your pain
rescue me you scream
save me you pray
don't abandon me
i am dying inside
but I am not dead
I need a hero
to release this poison from my head
to heal
to love
to show me something new
I am looking for a miracle man
could he be you?

First Family Vacation (Part 1)

I had waited for this vacation to come for 3 months now... the time when we first began to plan it with much excitement in our hearts and minds. I had dreamed about the day when I would be welcomed open arms to my, now husbands family, for over 18 years... sometimes it seems like a dream. I fight the urge to be less of myself and to hold back... because I don't want to seem fake or unrreal.. but then whey too many times in my life being me.. has been whey too much for anyone to bear. I think about all the people that I have interacted with in my life thus far and I begin to wonder when there all have went. It seems that radically we are an ever-evolving social species and that we discard people and cling to the ones that share our new direction in life?
I ended a 20 year friendship this year. I made a lot of changes. It was a labor to let go of her, and I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I should actually commit to it or not. I mean after all 20 years is a lot of time investment to just throw it all away like that. In the end I concluded that it must be done. She was constantly trying to drag my marriage over the coals because her own was suffering and she was a selfish friend. Looking back on the whole incident now.. I can't even think of why we were friends at all. She was the kind of person that would always one better you.. if you had 10, she had 12. If you liked it but couldn't afford it... she'd buy it just to dangle it in your face. ( I know right??)
So it brings me to the point where we are right now. I am o n vacation with my husband and tow children and we are visiting his mother and step-father and father's side of the family. We were received well even though I was very nervous and most of the time I have felt very at ease. It is easy to overlook minor indifference and I am trying to keep the peace and have a happy visit but seriously am I the only person that tallies that shit in my head and holds record of it ? It's like I can instantly recall it. Maybe that isn't a good thing.
Let me first say that it was a very long drive to come here especial the first week of July with no air conditioning in my husbands car. I thought before we ever made it here that I was going to die of heat exhaustion. It was horrible the minute that we would get something cold to drink we would suck it down and get freeze headaches.. but set it aside for even a couple minutes and it felt like it was on fire. You know that you are getting dehydrated when you drink a half gallon of water and don't have to pee!
The first couple days of being here went fairly smooth and without incident... but then yesterday was a fucking fiasco!! and that is an understatement.  I have seen people have "episodes" before and I know all the stereotypes about morhter-in-laws, but holy cow! This lady flipped the FN script yesterday. All of the Aunts had gotten up early and went to pick berries and the men went over to fix this garden platform... I went with the men as I had no epi-pen with me and surely there would be bees at the berry patch. They returned a couple of hours later to the same location that we were at and they and lunch still followed. You could tell that her whole demeanor had changed. The car the children I had ridden over there in was now to be chauffered by her. I didn't think anything of it and I turned on my kindle and was tolerating all the pumps of the gas peddle and the sudden brakes. All I could think is "ugh, women drivers" but then I am a women and I can frickin drive very well... I ignored it mostly until she went off the road a couple of time and then I began to pay attention. She later ran over a median & nearly took out a mailbox.. I couldn't believe they let her on the road. UGH! When we got home it was obvious that she was completely annoyed with the children... even though they were being well behaved she was tripping out on them about the littlest of things. She had made a big deal about the volume of the television on 4 seperate occasions within a 10 minute period, when in fact the volume of the television had not changed at all. I began to feel mildly agitated and began recalling in my mind all the events of the previous couple of days and so I began to sigh a bit and make an attempt at calming myself before I blew my stack. Just then, my husband and his father arrive home and start talking about dinner for that night which they had planned would be pizza. My husband had suggested that we only orde pepperoni & cheese being as the children didn't like much on their pizza, it's more cost effective and that I really can't tolerate anything spicy. The woman goes on for like 30 minutes about how all they eat is the supreme pizza and in fact it is the only kind that they like and blah blah blah and orders a medium supreme for her & dad and a large pepperoni & cheese for the 4 of us( not near enough to even begin with) but get this... when the pizza arrives... what pizza does she eat>>???????????????? you guessed it.. Pepperoni & cheese. I thought I was going to burst I had to fucking leave the room.. she had instantly robbed me of my calm at that very moment. That was the stupidest shit I had ever seen in my life. My 6 yr old begins to cry because he is still hungry and there is not enough pizza UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - they boys could have killed a large pizza by themselves. I don't fucking get it. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I know that you take the good with the bad but F@@K!!!!! We are officially half way through... so I will catch you up when it's over and we are home safe again.... Did I mention that my husband is considering moving down here?... STAY TUNED

4-17-12 change

There has been so much weighing on my mind.. Why am I at this place in life where I contemplate every little outcome? It's like my head is suddenly filled with this weath of curious knowledge and I can't stop trying to fix everything and everyone - and yet it is painfully obvious that I haven't got control over a single thing.
The boys arrived off the bus this afternoon in tears. They had been fighting with one another physically and were exhausted and wanted me to choose sides. I silenced them and conceded to hear about it once we arrived home. Why does warm weather seem to bring out the crazy in people?
I have been emotionally drained this week... I am still struggling most days to get over the loss of my Mother. Easter holiday was hard - she was always such a fundamental part of that day for my children. I got through it - I bought the boys each a lavender lamb from Partylite (http://partylite.biz/sites/iwantmore) off my website outlet and they just loved them. I feel kind of like my Mama guided me to get them as she always used medicinal lavender oil to calm and relax those she loved including herself. The Boys said on their own accord that the scent reminds them of Grandma and it's comforting to me that they thought so. I warm the scent pouch for them at night and they seem to rest better.
I'm tired of people dying. Can't someone modify the heart so it won't break?
This past week my Uncle Dave Suteu comitted suicide. I guess that he left a note - so there is no mistaking his intent. As I understand it he had gotten in a fight with his sister Cathy over something trivial and she opted to press domestic violence charges on him. He then went to stay a couple of days at a friends house and let things blow over. Later his Mother had dropped off his medications and apparently later that evening he wrote a note and digested 20 Ocycotins. It is a sad state of affairs when people feel so lost an unloved and all of their hope is gone. Thing was, he was so very loved. He was my favorite Uncle. He always had kind words for me and he gave the best hugs. After my Mother and Step-father had gotten divorced not much of his family had opted to not keep in contact with me (the whole blood is thicker than water thing - they are dumbasses - their loss) but not him - he was gunna be my uncle dave forever and that was just it. I will miss him so much.
I wish that feelings showed on the outside and people could see your hurt as a direct result of their actions and words. Would it change the way they treated you? Would they opt to hold you instead of hurt you if they seen how close you were to the edge? Or would they opt to push you all the way because their hate and intolerance is just that strong? Part of me doesn't blame him for wanting out. It's hard to wade through all the indifference in the world and stay strong. I've had to let so many people out of my life because the burden of having them in it has simply become too great.
I get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible their spouses are to try to justify breaking their vows... or the same people crying because their spouse found out what a whore they are and they have abandoned them and taken everything... I keep thinking.. you reap what you sow. You see it everywhere around you and yet you don't want to make a change? Real change comes from within and you can only start with YOU!! Maybe if other people see the happiness that can come from living right they will want it for themselves. I can dream can't I?
This week my father was also in the hospital and had a close call. I am trying really hard to forge a relationship with my Dad. It's all I've really wanted from him my whole life. God willing I will find peace with him before either of us leave this earth.

4-4-12

Ominous day today... I've had this lurking feeling all day since when I first woke up. Everything seemed to stick out to me today; the scent of the air, the blueness of the sky, the chirping of the birds and the silence that surrounded me. It's strange to have time to think at all.. to have a moment ponder the passing events and reflect on how much has changed.
I've been bothered with a toothache for the better portion of the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to subside. It accounts for frequent headaches and irritation and a streaming lack of patience on my behalf. I miss my dentist... he was awesome. I haven't even gotten a dentist in New Jersey yet, much less one that I can trust... and here I am with tooth pain. UGH!
I feel as if I am slipping into an overall aggression. I'm easily bothered and lack my normal stem of tolerance which isn't all that much to speak of to begin with.
You ever want to say something to someone but you hold it in because you know that their view of how things are is so twisted that it will only cause an argument to say something? That is me , sometimes. Except I have a limit on what I can hold in and then it's bursts and I cannot stop myself... sadly it measures just the response that I knew it would and we are at square one with things because boy oh boy he knows how to be hurtful and when given the chance...he's malicious and brutal.
I don't understand how he can go from what appears a peaceful calm to a full on rage so freely... so instantly. It's rather disturbing. The alarming rage in his voice...the slamming of doors the shearing of even the air in the room... the brisk stomping.. the shouting of obscenities. It's grotesque.
I long for some aid for him. A healthy way for him to manage his anger but suggesting it is far beyond the spectrum of things that he would tolerate. I know what he expects and it's hard for me to bite down any free thought if the only reason would be to suppress it because it opposes him. I know he sees his wrong though he expects to not be questioned about it because to him it is trivial... as  if to reference that the wishes of anyone that is not following his immediate path is unimportant; though if you were to inquire directly he would say that's untrue. Men say women are complicated? You are kidding right?
I'd like to chalk it up to stress at work.
Hell I'd like to chalk it up to anything that is going to end it soon, then perhaps I could have hope.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I were able to leave the house... He knew what he was doing when he left my tire in the storage unit.