alone in the moonlight

beneath the moon

there sat I

alone

alone in my thoughts

sweet breezes carrying my cries up to the heavens

as i weep

weep for the love that i lost

the stars shimmer high in the sky

as if with the beat of my heart

the dew on the grass looks like teardrops to me

perhaps i cried them

and they're part of me

it's silent here

almost nary a sound

so empty

so hollow

i let you leave

and did not follow

i am weak

please rescue me

lift me up

left this suffering cease

breathe life into me

and my cold broken heart

wrap me up in your warmth

bring me out of the dark

come to me now

on a moonbeam

on a moonbeam above

come to me now

lets reclaim our love.

because...

Because...,

I'll cross the line if you draw it

I just don't know how to behave

I crave to engage and can't stay away

just makes it all the more tempting

I am a creature of emotion

and I am wholly devoted

to filling the void in my day

with all of the things that I say

with everything that I do

cause it's really all to get me closer to you

it's where I belong

it must be

there will be no other that makes me complete

I can be patient

I have a lifetime to live

and a whole heart to give

even if it's crumpled a bit

The scent of your skin still fresh in my mind

the warmth of your touch

your heart racing with mine

the glimmer of your smile

the shake in your voice

The way it felt like a decision but I really had no choice

no control

and it was so easy to let go

be myself

play the part

and...somehow...I thought it would never end

but you drew the line

and you know how I am

so now here we are

and so it begins....

Because..,

5 trillion moments ago

you are there
i am here
alone inside this shell
black mascara stains
upon my pillow
where every teardrop fell
bed disheveled
from tossing & turning
hoping to find you there
no rest for the wicked
and surely no peace
heart filled with worry and care
to love so strong
to need you
here
and in all ways
to weep with joy
and not in sorrow
to get on with our lives
and all our tomorrows
to sink inside
and hide within
the safety of your arms
to fall asleep and listen to
the pounding of your heart
to feel it race
and dance
and delight
like it did at the start
when love began
between you and I
5 trillion moments ago
when you first spoke my name
when you first breathed i love you
when you looked in my eyes
when our journey became our destination
and I made you mine

The Demoralization of Me

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind
so many things that fill my brain
the thoughts alone swim like rancid fish
in waters filled with plague
they twist
they turn
they fight
they swerve
they consume and own the real
they bite
they tear away
an unleash a poison
that fills me deep with fear
I am just a woman
phenominal
raw
and wholly devoted
creative
and deep
but your wicked words seep
and steal away
the sense of self
and release my rage
how can I be?
be a sweet little angel
a model citizen
a sister
a friend
a daughter
with perfect politeness
with divine innocence
when you scutinize
demoralize
and make me want to rip your eyes
from their prying sockets?
I want to smash
and smother your hate
your disgust
and intolerance
of the life that I've made
You don't even know me
only what you claim to see
so how do I look with
one eye open?
how would you like to bleed?
you pollute the world
with your ignorance
and lies
you judge
and setence me
yet I've committed no crimes
you fear
so you slander
and the words swim
back to me
and create
divide
and conquer
my tolerence
my peace
they leave me
stripped
and scarred
full of
hate and rage
do I dare to rise against thee?
you must not know my name.
you deem me worthless
empty
filthee
and mean
a succubus
a whore
who speads lies
and deceit
but I am strong
though I am fierce
you cannot beat me down
I will stand and fight you
not simply lay on the ground
I will rise
I will uncover
I will breathe
and live
and give
and grow
you think you know me
but do you
really know?

John

Some things will never change. From the moment that I met my Mother's boyfriend I never liked him. There was an uneasy feeling that I had about the way he carried himself and over the years he proved true every inhibition that I had. I guess you can say that the feeling was mutual and that we never got past that intense disgust for one another. When my Mother passed suddenly almost two years ago now, tensions were high. My Mother was quite basically the sole means of support to this man and though she was not a rich woman, she managed through her means to carry him through the greater portion of the last several years. I hated him for the times that he beat her, for the times that he talked to her like she was garbage and for the many tear-stricken phone calls that she had shared with me at the cause of his hand. I hated the way that she would tip-toe on eggshells and the fact that she kept up with him only because the thought of being alone or starting over was too great for her to bear. I felt robbed when she was instantly gone and he kept crying to everyone about the grief that he felt, but secretly assumed that my Mother meant nothing more to me then a few worldly possessions and that I was not hurting at all.
I tried, right after she had passed, to befriend him. I felt sorry for all the discord between us over the years and I wanted to have someone to cry with. My children knew this man as their grandfather and I guess on some level I had hoped that I could maintain that relationship for their benefit. What a loss to my children to lose their Grandmother and to suffer the loss of him as a consequence was unbearable and I didn't want it to be that way.
I got a lot of pressure from persons in my family, with their own agenda I would later find out, to settle things quickly as I would have to be leaving the state again soon and this time for good. I know it must have been hard for him, but it was hard for me too. It was surreal to have her gone and it was even harder to watch him pilfer through her belongings and make comments on how he was going to give them to other people. These were not his things to give away and frankly I lost it. Legally I could have had the police remove him from that house and I could have removed everything, but all I really wanted was the things that belonged to my Mother and had been passed down to her over the years. In the end, I didn't even get that. I didn't fight the stuff with the courts, I felt like I went out of my way to make it easier on him and to just let it go - and he has no idea what concessions I actually made for him. He just hates me.
I was settled with the thought that I would never speak to this man again. Hard as it has been to grieve alone and walk forward without barely a shred of my Mother left to existence, I had done just that.
Prior to my Mother dying she had told me about my Uncle Bobby having lung cancer and that he was going to die. She explained to me that he didn't want anyone to know, but that she wanted to prepare me for it in a sense. I spoke to his oldest daughter the other day and she had mentioned it to me again... and so I conceded and called him. I wanted just to let him know that I loved him and I wanted to hear his voice. During our conversation he indicated to me that My Mother's boyfriend had wanted me to contact him and so I made arrangements to do that today. I should have left well enough alone. He only wanted me to call so that he could verbally abuse me and try to make me feel worse. My nightmare continues.

Know Your Enemy

you listen as your tucked beneath their wing
force fed all their idiology
you kneel and pray
to the god they created
the martyr they raised
as they smothered the pagans
you murder and kill
in your Jesus name
the 'god of love'
have u gone insane?
seperation of church
and of state
all lies of the enemy
as they contemplate
the demise of the strong
and contempt for the weak
young minds that awaken
with sand beneath their feet
fighting the fight
for all of our 'freedoms'
when in reality
they are brainwashed slaves
yet they call us heathens
serving a king in a kingdom
blind to the lies
the masses fall to slaughter
raping mother earth
bloodletting sons and daughters
i beg of you to rise
and open up your eyes
to educate your mind
and leave this crazed existance
research and you will find
the truth that has been hidden
be not silenced
when u become awakened
know your true enemy
rise up and forsake them
smother and smite them
as they would do you
an eye for an eye
let the teaching stand true

Rise!

With society in this twist of genocidal hate
forced to fear by a government that does nothing but regulate
and propagate confusion within the weak
to put words into motion
releasing kept minds
this used to be our priviledge
now it is our crime
SILENT NO LONGER with ignorant mentality
up on a soap box with a plan for reality
How can one stand?
How can one speak?
and yet find the strength to go out and preach?
to teach?
to RISE against
NO MORE, say you
shall we be lambs to the slaughter
bleeding out
to feed our father
to fight his war
which fuels his gain
RISE
RISE, I beg you
don't be plain
a wise man spoke
before he was broke
and said fear NOTHING but fear
every great man who has had a plan
has been reaped in the prime of their year
this power is scared
and the speaker can no longer be silenced
for his message was given
before they brought him violence
So SPEAK i say you
tell all who will listen
that it is our duty
and our mission
as a people
red, white, yellow and black
to rise up
and take the power back!

suicide

poison womb
cold and polluted
feelings fade
and are diluted
tearing away emotional sanity 
a blade at my wrist
brings the feeling of free
calculated betrayal
of a heart that felt love true
smothered by your plastic lies
gasping and turning blue
cold and lonesome
this fate that i ensue
once again
i play the fool

Enslaved

Trust in me
He says to you
You are safe with me
Beneath the moon
Come here to me
Hide within my arms
Look in my eyes
Fall prey to my charms
The crisp autumn breeze
The bewitching dew
Lifted from your feet
Body weak with desire
The bite so deep
Surges your body with fire
You writhe and you wiggle
Your strength is depleting
Memories flash in your mind
Although they are fleeting
A warm crimson pour
Your heart growing fainter
Your fight is strong
But his power is greater
A knife in his hand
He carves with precision
A sweet little fountain
A new life you are given
You feel so alive
All your senses awaken
Your hunger is savage
Be naught mistaken
Animalistic needs
On a cold hallows eve
Enslaved by vampire
Broken here, lay me.