Parent Teacher Conference 11/12

Okay so I need to give a little preface before we hop right into how the parent teacher conferences went. Jaylon is is second grade and this is his first year in New Jersey. His Teacher is a nice lady but we are not completely seeing eye to eye. A month or so ago is when most of the problem, as I see it, started. The children were learning how to write letters. They were permitted to write whomever they wished and Jaylon opted to write his father in Ohio. Jaylon comes home with an envelope with Mark's name on it with only the address missing and reports to me that his teacher was unable to find Mark's address on the internet!! I was outraged!! I mean Mark isn't on any of the children's paperwork and without even asking me or knowing what kind of man he was she was going to introduce communication with him? OMG!!
On to issue 2 : Jaylon is told that he is doing drugs because he uses a cough drop and that if he is sick he should stay home. The cough drops were left with the nurse per school policy and she was not permitting him to go to the nurses office to get one, she would instead give him a piece of candy. (wait.. Who authorized you to give my son sugar?) do not appreciate Jaylon being told that if he is sick he is not allowed to be at school. We are fighting hard enough to keep him interested and wanting to go. I feel like if a teacher feels that the student is ill then they should send the child to the nurse. I feel like if the nurse wants to give my child an excused absence and go against the recommendation of his physician then she should do so, but I do not have the ability to excuse my child from class when he does not have a doctors note, so if the doctor says he is able to go to school and he is not throwing up he is going to be there. Also, I felt it was only common sense that on the days that it is cold enough to see your breath that the kids would not be out in the weather. When Jaylon is already producing symptoms or a viral infection that could very well produce themselves into a much more severe cold with a little push that he should not go outdoors for recess. Perhaps again I am missing out an not aware of a school policy here, but I was pretty sure that the goal was to keep the students IN SCHOOL where they could learn.
Issue 3: Bribing my child to do what he should be doing. Bribery is not my choice method of encouraging a child and you may find that children that are not accustomed to being bribed to behave well will often respond negatively to it. Jaylon seems to be more focused on the prize than the actual behavior required to achieve said prize. I would prefer that he didn't bring home “sticky hands” and the likes of them as they leave dirty marks upon my walls and only become something that he and his siblings fight over. Wouldn't greater rewards for the children be certificates, awards and what not that would earn them privileges or things that could actually be of some use like a pencil or colored eraser, scented even! I encourage him at home to always be on good behavior because he never knows what is under way. Food, snacks, candy and annoying whistles and toys you throw are not my idea of rewards. If I need to provide rewards specifically for my child... yanno... Let me know!
Issue 4: There was an issue at the beginning of the year with some students from Jaylon's class being unkind to him. Typical.. I mean Jaylon is double their size so they assume he is stupid and they are frightened so it's easier for them to act as if they don't like him at all. Sarcasm and dry wit are totally wasted on my child, he assumes when you are speaking that you are being literal and that you would have no cause to jest with him. He is kind-hearted and moderately meek and non-aggressive, so it came as a bit of a shock to me when his teacher sent a note home explaining to me that he was "bullying" another child... Upon further inspection the child was a girl, and not just any girl... A girl that rides his bus, a girl that he smiles and laughs and talks to each morning. His teacher approached the situation as if Jaylon was being racist by not wanting her in his group ( I'M SO FN P-O'D ABOUT THIS) First off, as I mentioned.. Jaylon likes this girl and she is from our neighborhood - second nothing racist was said, and third... NO WAY MY SON COULD BE A RACIST... he is from a culturally diverse family set! PMTFO!! You assume it is an issue with racism since he is "white" and she is "black"??? WTF!!... It makes me wonder if she herself has issues with race.
Issue 5: Her command of the classroom. She lets the children do as they please and then wonders why she is having issues. I sat in on the class and it was pure chaos!!!! I wanted to hand her a bullet before her lunch break. She allows them to leave their desks and work in other parts of the classroom. She allows them to stand and jump and dance around in the middle of her speaking... WAIT!! NO WONDER MY SON HAS NO ATTENTION SPAN NOW!!
She allows them to work ahead when they are supposed to be working together as a class ... I mean I am no instructor but come on... How long does the boat have to take on water before you figure out that you are sinking?
On to the conference...
It was a whirlwind in which I took control and commanded her full attention. I politely outlined the issues that I was having with what was happening and I clearly stated the boundaries that I wanted to be kept. If I cannot be at the school every day to make sure of what my child is doing and point him in the right direction then I need her to be part of the team and stop trying to be their peer and actually meet the needs of the children and provide the only service that she is actually there to provide, forth wit being their instructor and mentor and teaching them the required coursework.
I illuminated to her the importance of maintaining an authoritative role with the children, especially mine. I do not want my child to be permitted to "slack" - he is there to learn and I assure you that if I was sitting beside him - you would see a different child altogether.
I am exasperated that I have to go to such lengths to get what I want from a school/teacher. Perhaps my expectations are too high... Perhaps other parents should expect more. The children are our future if we cheat them and deprive them of the use of manners, the importance of responsibility, the thirst for knowledge... We are only cheating ourselves.

Thank You Shop-rite employee

I generally hate going to do shopping of any type during the holiday season. The stores are crowded and full of people who are so focused on their tasks that they forget their manners or fore go them totally. Once when I was pregnant with my oldest son Jaylon, a woman hit me in the stomach with her shopping cart! She didn't even say excuse me or nothing, and I was 8 months pregnant... It's not like there was any way she couldn't have noticed.
So last evening we ventured out to Shop-Rite to get a few essential groceries and some items that I needed for the thanksgiving holiday, as I wanted to bake something to take to our family's house this Thursday. The store was bustling with customers which was evident before we even entered and much of the reason that Javier decided to drop Gavin and I off at the door and let he and Jaylon wait in the car. Gavin and I trekked through the isles and he was so polite and being so behaved (this is not his typical behavior in the store) The isles were congested and stockers were racing to restock items that were quickly being depleted. (nope they weren't giving away anything great! haha) we collected all of our items and remembered on the way to the register that we needed cereal and lunchmeats. I turned down the cereal isle and Gavin picked out some fruit loops and I picked corn flakes. He froze mid isles where the store had strategically placed a toy section and selected a blue toy car. I looked at him and told him "Come on son... We got to get luchmeat and get going". He raced to my side and asked me so sweetly for the toy. I didn't even know how much it cost, but it was surely overpriced and not what we came for and I simply did not have the extra money to purchase anything not on my list. He was breaking my heart as he put the item back and I talked to him a lot about it as we headed towards the deli.
It was no comfort for him to hear that he could ask Santa for it. I didn't want to hear that I couldn't afford to get it. He wasn't unreasonable about it, but he had real tears and sobbed quietly as he placed his head down on the cart. A Shop-Rite employee looks over to me and asks.. "What's the matter, what is it he wants?" I explained that he wanted a toy car from the cereal isle and that even tho I didn't know how much it cost, I couldn't afford to get things not on my list and that he would be fine. She paused for a minute and asked me if I would be offended if she bought the toy for him. I told her that wasn't necessary but she insisted.
She escorted Gavin to the cereal isle where he was reunited with the toy car that he had so cherished only moments before and then to the self-pay checkout where she purchased it put a paid sticker on it and returned him to me. He hugged her hard and thanked her and I fought back some tears. It reminded me of something my  Mother would do, and suddenly I missed her more than ever.
Some people are just nice for no reason.
She touched Gavin's heart in such a way that no words can express and some how I know he will never forget the kindness of that stranger.

10.1.11

Doesn't it suck when you are sick and it goes by seemingly unnoticed by all the people who would have you to cater to them like they are infants when they are ill or not feeling well? It makes me feel like I don't matter and that my feelings, wellness and wellbeing are unimportant. But then what is new right? I already know that my opinion doesn't matter and that when someone is going to have to do without that it is going to have to be me making the sacrifices. I can hardly stand the fact that I am just supposed to be on hold all of the fucking time I mean like I can't have an agenda and get things done? no cause I always have to wait on someone else and their time table or schedule I have absolutely no say in anything that is happening in my life at all and I feel much like a prisioner.
My car is fucked up... can we fix it - no... can I have a ride?... when you feel like it? ugh.. I want to rip my hair out. how long until you are done working?.. what is a little while? an hour 5 hours? what the fuck ever don't be mad when we don't have any dinner. and we still have laundry to do.
I want to run away but there is nowhere to run. I want to go for a drive.. nope... I want to go for a walk... nope... why? so my kids can cry and freak out while they are ignored to the tune of 90's durst bitch hate music? or following me around wondering why I am crying?... exactly.. no escape.
I think about suicide all of the time. It sucks that I love my children so much and can't bare the thought of them having to go through the world being less loved by anyone other than me.... when they deserve more than even I can give them. I feel like a fuck up and a fool and like I am paying the price in my life in so many ways for a series of poorly informed choices that I made under false pretenses that were presented to me so eloquently. Funny how that always seems to be doesn't it? It's like my life in general  is just one big series of decisions that I should have made differently... yet when I am looking back on it though the decision seems wrong and misplaced I still cannot seem to think of a different outcome by making a different decidion along the way because even if I would like to omit something along the way there is always some little event around the corner from that poor choice that makes the bad ones not seem so terrible.
I think a lot about what my mother said to me about the choices that she made with Chris and why we suffered through those 12 years of our lives. I mean we did it together and she is right about that and we were not in as bad of a situation as maybe we could have been - I thought that to be such a rediculous thing when she had talked to me about that and I often wondered to myself if it was just a cop-out of if infact there really was no other relative option available at the time. I mean she wasn't a stupid woman, my mother; but I always disliked her old school, stand by your man type thinking that she learned from my Grandmother. I mean who seriously wants to live like that?
I never asked my Grandmother... cause I always just assumed that it was a product of 50's thinking and the fact that she had 6 fucking children. But even still under those circumstances I doubt that I could have remained with a man that was fucking around on me. Let alone have the bitch over to dinner and such. (without poisoning her anyways)
I want to make some sense of the choices that they made and understand them with some sort of rationaly reasoning but I cannot.
I always swore that I would not put myself into a situation where I didn't have a voice. I wouldn't let my head be forced into the corner where I was helpless and didn't matter but in a sense I feel like exactly that is what happened to me.
I can't say how I really feel about anything without it causing a stink... atleast that is the way that it feels since everytime that I voice my opinion in full it ensues an arguement. The voice gets raised, the door slames, the speed limit is ignored, the headphones pop on and the music is blaring. Though all of these outlets for rage in a sense are denied of me. I can do nothing but sit in silence or do housework. LAME.
I would tell you it is no way to live and I wouldn't be lying. It is fully beyond the spectrum of behaviors that I know to function in this compacity. The silent, obiediant, plain jane wife/mother/maid/housekeeper/nurse/seamtress/decorater/baker/short order cok/chauffeur/analyst/therapist/financial planner/blah blah blah. KILL ME NOW!

Homosexuality - schools - our children

I am a little disturbed after having viewed a video on CNN regarding bullying of children. ( http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/09/20/ac-kth-bullying-in-america.cnn?hpt=hp_c2 ) The video happens to include several snipits of video; mainly a youtube video of the "bi-sexual child" who committed suicide and then several snipits of lawmakers and religeous persons that basically justify this child's suicide. UGH!!!!!!!! I am outraged. First off, when did we start labeling children? IT'S A CHILD!!!! I am seriously sick of being a part of a species that feels the need to label, discriminate and abuse. Bullying is bad. Duh! But once worse, your minister telling you that since your religion teaches that homosexuality is a sin that it is permissible for you to chastise another who's belief differs from yours to the point of abuse; it's  plain ignorant. What is next?... do these individuals plan to burn homosexuals at the stake as they did "witches" long ago... EVOLUTION people... it's about growing up! I am seriously wondering how some of these people got into positions of power to begin with - it's like they are three grunts away from being cavemen.
I thought God taught love, tolerance, peace? You make a mockery of your own religion by encouraging or practicing such behaviors. Stating that the children that did the bullying should into be penalized because they were taught that homosexuality is a sin.... okay then... let us punish YOU... the bigot that taught them the hate and intolerance of others.
I am glad I wasn't raised to hate. Your skin is the same as mine... you cut it, it bleeds. 
They propose that it homosexual history should be taught in school. I disagree with that sorry. I don't believe that we need to spotlight any portion of our history... I don't agree with Black history month and hence I would not support a gay history month or any other creed. I think we have a history and we should teach it. All of it - as a whole. No one group has suffered more than another and we are all in the same boat now. I can hear you complaining... keep it down over there; and yes I am aware of the era of slavery.... but do we need a month to celebrate it? If that be the case where is Jewish history month? I think I have made my point.
It is sad that we the people - treat our people so poorly. That our children would feel unloved enough ever to commit suicide. That they would feel cast out and rejected or alone. It is pathetic that we don't search ourselves and aim to be better humans. Life is too short to hate & who are you to judge?
You would think that with all the adversity in the world that people would unite and as a whole try to encumber the obstacles and woe that face us as a species. It we as a people put as much energy into tolerance as we put into intolerance we might actually find ourselves without so much adversity.
I am very sad for the future.
The news is disturbing.

Mark Jones is a Dick!

I am so wholly frustrated... In the past couple weeks I have had to sit down and do more explaining to my children then I ever thought I would have to do before they hit Junior High School. I could go on and digress over how much of a deadbeat waste of space I think their biological father is; but then I have been down this road with all of you before and anyone that knows me knows that I detest the fact that the man sucks air off the same planet as I. I have thought for many years that the kids' dad had an unhealthy addiction to pornography; the countless high cable bills and phone bills and the hidden collections totaling up to about a dozen or more paper boxes were huge indicators and part of the reason that I excluded him from my life long ago. I can't explain why I try to be the bigger person for the children and let them have a relationship with him... I always felt that I was controlling it to some extent because he was never really alone with the children... I would make him visit with them at my home. It's like he himself is a child and needs to be monitored.
He came to me about a month ago and asked me for another chance with the boys. He had gotten a job now working at a local rest home doing laundry and he was trying to turn his life around and be more responsible...I found it hard to believe that he may have had an epiphany, but I wasn't exactly in the best situation still recuperating from injuries and  seemingly home alone with my children. He offered to pay back some of the money for a phone bill he had run up in my name only a couple months before and talked profusely about making right some poor choices he had made in the past. Most of this went in one ear and out the other with me as time and experience would prove to me over and over throughout the years that it's just better to believe it when I see it. He has never really been there for either of the boys in the traditional parental role; I closed that series of my life about a month after Gavin was conceived and began to realistically move on. His response to me ousting him from my life was to go get a tattoo of my name with hearts on his shoulder and to propose marriage...ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME... we are broke up.  This from a man that called sex lines religiously when we were together and continually endangered my children by being lazy and not watching them when he was supposed to? This from a man who ran up my telephone and cable bills to amounts that I would have never thought possible... thousands and thousands of dollars... simply insane.
I feel guilty a lot - I never wanted this life for my children.. a product of a broken home myself; my parents divorced when I was three and I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up. It was a constant fight for his time and emotionally I felt abandoned by him. My mother remarried when I was 5 to a younger man who never wanted children; I never liked him from the beginning... it's like an extra sense perhaps that children have to signify that people are just no good... he would later become abusive; telling me everyday that I was ugly and closing me off from the real world and making healthy friend relationships as a child, some of you may remember that I was never really allowed to have company over to the house and rarely allowed to go anywhere. When his and my mother's relationship fell to ashes, long about the time that I was about 15 or 16 he started making sexual advances towards me and subsequently I moved  to Massillon to live with my Grandmother... while my mother went through a divorce. I blamed myself, I blamed my mother, I blamed my father for not doing what it took to hold their marriage together... I hated the world. Why would I want this for my sons?
I try to keep him in their lives in some capacity and now I wish that I would have extinguished him all together so very long ago. My child recently brought to my attention some inappropriate behavior that his father exposed him to. He shared with my boyfriend Jason that he woke to find his father exposed in his bed,,, I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW... without getting too much into it - I feel like this is my fault. As far as I no nothing really happened as far as physically but I filed a report with children services and soon will be taking my sons to a forensic psychologist for an evaluation; by the grace of God it will take all the energy I have in my soul to make it through this and I am grateful to have Jason by my side to help me be strong for the children... and attempt to carry on as normal.
This seals the fact that Mark will have no contact with the children... this buries the guilt that I felt for not wanting him to be a part of their lives... but spawn new guilt that I allowed him access to them. It makes me wonder if he tried to burn the house down on purpose; an attempt to hide away the fact that he fucked up?
There are so many thoughts going through my mind at the moment I don't know how I can begin to explain... I am angry and scared and hurt all at the same time and mostly I am worried about my son and what this has done to him. I am worried about what I will hear when they talk to him and what they will discover and how that may make me feel to know. I mean who would ever think that a parent would do something like that? who would ever think that you could do anything to harm any child let alone your own biological child. Jason is furious and wants to harm Mark... typical reaction I think... he loves those boys like they were his own... but he is being so much stronger about this than I am... he calmly went through the children services intake interview with me and offered me a lot of consolation which I desperately needed. It is a long road that we have to journey down now and I am well aware that it is not going to be an easy one. I am glad to have a hand to hold and I am grateful for the people in my life that bring me strength and empower me. Thank YOU all of YOU...  Sorry to unload on all of you I needed to get some of this out.

I am green

I see you wrapped up in your whirl of love and I envy you...
stop and see me there I am the girl sitting alone in the distance in despair
wanting to be like you
painfully watching
wishing I knew
what it felt like to dance in the shine of my lovers fixated gaze
and be beautiful
if only to him
I don't blame you
I wouldn't notice me either
ahh to be in love
in bliss
something for me that has always seemed hit and miss
though I have longed for it with the ache of a thousand salt-soaked sores
with a churning in my soul that seems ceaseless
tiresome
a chore,
painting a smile 
and wiping away the tears each morning
I face the day and pretend
that it fits in my life
this finale
this end
this hallow emptiness
the shuddering cold of alone
laying in the night with no hand to hold
half can never be whole
it will always be less
and it misses the pieces that sought refuge in his chest
I cluttered his heart
and for that I am sorry
but cleaning me out and moving on leaves me so melancholy
broken and battered
with a heart that is shattered
finding it hard to delight in even the light of the star-filled night
I am the wilted flower in the vase on his table
the comfortable shoe he can bare no longer to wear
the ring of the phone on an empty street
the whistle of the wind that chatters your teeth
the envious
hateful
bitter
cynical girl
who once was just like that beautiful duo
who shone and sparkled
and passed others without notice
who gleeful laughed and boasted my moments
what irony
what iron rue
that hopelessly I stare
barren
mournful almost
without a clue
and in the moment that you pass...
dying just a little
to have it all back.

2-2-11

I wish I would have had some clue at the start of the day that things would go so horribly wrong. Today started much the same as any other day; awaken to the squall of the alarm clock only to find that school had already been canceled, my boyfriend was quick on his feet to tell my son to go back to bed and then hurried back to snuggle me off to sleep in the comfort of his arms... my most favored place to be.
The day set off without a hitch and we woke only a couple hours later to the soft creep of the dim morning light coming through our bedroom window. Jason and I both showered and got ready to face the day at hand; he pleasantly kissed me bunches and told me how beautiful I looked today and I thought to myself how wonderful is this man of mine. My boyfriend asked me if I just wanted to stay home or if I wanted to venture out into the weather to get the rest of the items that we were seeking for my son's Birthday which was only a couple of days away... I remember taking great notice to the fact that I was being asked and I couldn't place why the question stood out to me as something that I should take notice to... looking back now it's as if it were a sign of things to come... like I was playing a role in that crappy horror film Final Destination or like I was some wanton character in a choose your own adventure book of some unforeseen force. We opted to go out into the day and I recall hearing a radio DJ saying on the radio "why would you even go out in this weather if you didn't HAVE to"; hint number two I suppose. We were just sitting in the car mulling through traffic and had noted that we needed to check the bulb in the turn signal and that would would do it at our next destination since we had a replacement in the glove compartment of the car... and since the destination was only another 1/4 mile away that we should be fine until we got there... just then we see a Perry police officer in oncoming traffic, he did a u-turn and got behind us and subsequently decided to pull us over... GAME OVER... he had a warrant for failure to appear and he was driving on a suspended license... the officer placed both of us in the back of the car and called a tow truck for my vehicle... he then called Canton Police station to come and pick him up and asked me to call for a ride.... ARGHHHHHHHHH I am so effin frustrated! It seems that the simple decision to stay home could have avoided all of this... but he maintained that it was only a matter of time before they arrested him Anyways.... and that it was okay because now he would just be getting everything handled and not have to worry about it anymore. I hope that is true.
I am hoping that the judge will show mercy to him and not be so angry with him for not making it to court because I really need for him to be home and I know in my heart that any lesson that he needed to learn that it would seem that he already has. No punishment that the courts could give him for a misdemeanor charge could equal the amount of guilt he has expressed feeling for leaving me; especially while I was injured... I feel so terrible that he beats himself up about it, because I love him so much and the last thing I want to do is see him hurting.... and besides, I am just grateful to have him home - I feel so lost and less without him.
So here I sit - alone - waiting... I know now that the earliest that I will hear from him is tomorrow and the minutes are passing so slowly. I worry about him every minute that he is away from me - no one could love him like I love him... no one has his best interest at heart like I do and no one will go to the lengths to understand him like I do... I need him and he needs me - GIVE HIM BACK TO ME FOOKERS!

Reflection

I hate looking back on the past and letting my mind run away with contemplation. I think that nearly everyone has moments where they consider the course of their lives and how they got to the point where they are currently, but I wish that I could just stop myself in my tracks sometimes. I have absorbed, essentially, many traits of people that have filled spaces in my life over the years and I have taken in to my habit scheme their fears, insecurities and inhibitions some how. It's odd how you can fight so hard to be your own person and stand on this firm ground only to find out somewhere along the lines that your rock was merely a shell filled with quicksand. I have always thought that I take the best away from people... That I discovered things in others that enriched me in ways or rounded out my personality in a sense and incorporated them into my life.. It seems however after some reflection that I have taken some bad with the good.
I find myself in a place mentally and emotionally that seems proverbially like a terminal gate at the airport... So many choices of a destination and although I have a clear mindset as to where I would like to end up, I am sitting before these gates, unclear as which to choose to get where I am going. In the real world.. You can easily ask for clear direction and you have at least a shot of getting the desired result, with minimal room for error. I wish it were so cut and dry when making life choices.
I am a worry wart... I always have been.. I most likely always will be. I can't turn my head off and I constantly think and find reason for concern in my life. I feel like I always have so much on my plate and I am pulled at the seems trying to meet all of my obligations and somewhere along the lines I am falling short... Or am I? It's hard to be a parent and know the right path to travel with your children. In addition to worrying about their safety and health, you have to wonder if you are doing the things that will enrich their lives in a positive manor and help them to make choices that will lead to the healthy productive filled with happiness that you wish for them. My Grandmother used to always assure me that that main objective was simply to do the best that you can do and put them first in your life whenever humanly possible. I feel like I do that.... In fact I feel like the greater portion of my goal set is derived from the things that I want to make happen for them or that I feel are necessary to help them grow into responsible adults... I think every parent wants the best for their kids, but it is easy for me to find fault in the way that things go. Sometimes it simply feels like I am beating my head against the wall and getting nowhere with them. They are so headstrong and set into the idea that they can pretend to not know what we have went over a million times and skate away Scott-free. I have to wonder at these times is they are playing dumb with me or if they just didn't pay attention at all... I hear selective hearing is quite common.
It's not just my kids... It is everything.. My family, my job, my health, my home, my relationship... So many factors figure into the whirlwind ransacking my brain. I find myself seeking approval from everyone and wanting to keep the peace and somehow getting lost in the midst. I hear a voice in my head saying "you can't please everyone"... And I feel myself responding sometimes... "I can try" - that can't be healthy - LOL
I took great notice yesterday in the middle of the day that I had taken into myself and seemingly altered my behaviors based on another's criticism of my some many years ago. I looked back to it and thought it odd that I remember fighting that comment so boldly when that person was in my life and seemingly defending my behaviors with rational, well thought out retort and justification... So why then after they were gone did I without notice or coherent thought change this behavior and conform to their criticism? It bothers me greatly that I didn't even notice that I had changed it. I can only conclude that words sit with people. You sink these things into yourself and digest them in such a way that even if you put them totally out of your mind they have a way of staining you and swaying the course of your life.
That worries me...
It causes me to reflect upon other actions in my life and give great scrutiny to my reasoning behind them... OMG do I even know who I am? LOL Once worse... What about the impact that I have on others? I mean I have said and done some pretty messed up shit in my life out of anger and intolerance for others. I admit, I generally try to retract my hate and indifference when my anger or hurt has subsided but I can be a real asshole when the opportunity presents its self. (I'm sorry)
I genuinely want to be a good person, a good mother, a great girlfriend, a model citizen, a treasured friend and heaven help me ... A loving & kind wife on day. I want to be employee of the month, woman of the year and featured business owner of the community. I want a verifiable obituary, filled with amazing truths about the goodness I gave the world and the people who I was lucky enough to have touch my life... It would be great to do all of that and have people actually miss me when that times comes. LOL
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'd have to say that road leads directly to my high-rise condo next to the lake of fire... See you there @ the end of days.

12-1-2010

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to do the right thing and be the best person that you can be, there is always someone waiting to kick you when you are down? It has been a consistent pattern in my life that whenever things are going well... they is always someone there to reap my rewards and put me back under and when I am already down on my luck there is someone who thinks it just isn't low enough and beats me down further. I could sit here for hours and go on about how pissed I am at my kids' father for not getting his shit together and being a dad or paying the tens of thousands of dollars that he owes me for child support... I could go on and on about all the worthless shits that called their selves my friend and asked me for help and though I gave it, they straight kicked me in the teeth and dipped without repaying me; the countless people with the "wimpy syndrome" that always want to borrow something today and promise to pay you back later - yet never do and are right there asking you for help again... It seems I am surrounded by people that want to stand on my shoulders just to watch me drown.. It's always been that way.. DAMN I GOTTA QUIT BEING A BLEEDING HEART!!!
I always thought that if you tried your best to help people in need when you are able that the "good karma" that you are putting out by doing so would come back to you. Yet, in reality it just leaves me with my face hanging out
Yesterday was such a humbling day for me in so many ways... more of a culmination of many events coming to a head. Several times now I have opened the doors of my home to people trying to be a helping hand to them and in turn get some financial relief from the economy that every one seems to be sinking in at the moment. Truth is... None of them realize just how expensive it is to keep them in your home... to feed them and provide for everything... UGH and cleaning up  after them.... frankly they don't give a shit even if they do know... and it is certain that is how they ended up in that situation to begin with. The few "friends" that I helped... well it all seemingly started with good intention and got to a point where it was best just to end it. The nearly 2K that I am out of pocket doesn't matter to them and they have not attempted to pay me a nickel of the money that they promised me. Despite all of that I decided to extend a hand to a family member and let her stay on three separate occasions... the first went off well.. and she paid me the rent that she promised... the second she lived off of us for a week or better and dipped paying us nothing... and the third and final time she burnt that bridge forever... promises, promises, promises... she is the queen of them... " let me smoke all of your cigarettes, I will replace them 10 fold when I get paid" (LIE), "let me eat all of your food... I will buy my own food when I get paid and pay you back for the food that I ate"(LIE), "drive me to work and anywhere else that I want to go... I promise that I will give you gas money", "Take care of my puppy... I will take care of yours when I am home" (yeah right), "let me get this cell phone from you now... I promise that I will pay you for it as soon as I get paid".... it goes on and on... End result she dipped to go back to her "boyfriend" that she cries verbally abuses her and that she plots to cheat on all of the time and gives us &60 and 4 packs of cigarettes and says I shouldn't have even done that? I mean seriously? She shows up demanding her things that we already told her that we were holding until she settled up with us and then refuses to pay us and calls the cops...... hahahhaha! The funniest part was watching the officer make hand gestures near his head... stating " that girl obviously has issues", even a stranger looking in could tell in a single moment that she had things all screwed up. The cop made her give the cell phone back and in return I gave her the belongings that she left here and wrote her off.. if she doesn't pay me back the money that she put me out then she will be a stranger to me. PERIOD
On top of everything else I took my son to the doctor yesterday and they end up sending us back to the other doctor... he has a lump on his neck again and as soon as they discover it - I am in tears... why does this keep coming back.. and I start to wonder if my insurance is good enough for them to really investigate it or am I failing my child some how and they will only stabilize the immediate concern and it will be a continual process to go through. If frustrates me to no end the lack of regard our nation holds for their brothers and sisters...they care more about filling their pockets then saving our nation with realistic results and they cry to us for more and more money that they spend  lining their own pockets... do you think a single one of them would take pay cuts to save families? They keep telling us to see the bigger picture... but in the end do they really even have a plan? Our country needs a serious overhaul.

him

I am learning new things about myself every minute it seems some days. More so I think I am taking notice to things about myself that I never really realized before. It's hard to wake up and face the days that you don't want to; even harder to droll on and hope that one day your life will be the dream that you envision when that dream is constantly evolving. I look back over my life before now and I think of all the times that I thought I knew how my life would be. When I thought I knew exactly what I wanted so completely with my whole heart until I sat there with my face in my hands completely heart broken and blind sided because I was not living life with my eyes open and missed the fact that the people I was pending up my hopes and dreams on were busy with dreams of their own that didn't include me.
I am lucky only in the sense that I think that I have grown from all of that. I learned valuable things along the way. The concern I have is that some how I realize that those instances scarred me in many ways and seemingly jaded the trust that I have for others. It has piled up some how to this multitude of self-defeating relationship behaviors centered around cynicism and mistrust, that may even be powerful enough to bring about behaviors that were never there to begin with and end something beautiful in demise.
I always thought that it was fine just to be that way and keep your guard up... that if the "right" person came along they would understand and be willing to subject themselves through the rigorous line of insecurities because their desire to own your heart is greater than your self-defeating behaviors and they have nothing to hide. Upon reflection I have surmised thinking that is foolish and selfish. It requires them to offer over their whole soul to me without me really putting anything in the middle. Give it all to me; sacrifice everything and I will stand here behind this glass wholly protected, observing but never really living, because I refuse to give you the power to hurt me. But then that is not really living at all is it?
I have been, to many, the voice of reason. They find in me admiration over my ability to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my heart and renew myself with strength... they don't see the brokenness that lay just beneath the surface or the tear-soaked pillow cases from all the mornings I woke alone. I bite those feelings back and put a smile on to be strong for my friends and thought for a long time if I lived the lie that they believed in long enough that one day I would be able to do it without tricking myself. I was wrong.
In the midst of all that "independence", without incept or reason my heart was guided to someone who walked my roads of heartache and suffered much the same as I. A friendship was forged and the magnetic pull of his personality kindled a craving in my heart to have him near me. I loved him before I fully knew him and that is something that I chastised many people before me for. I bathed in his flattery, reveled in his adoration and let him walk away a friend for nearly a year because I gave nothing back. It was mystifying and wholly spectacular to let a little of my heart go to him.. to drip it by the drop-fulls into the pool of his heart and watch the ripple swell into a tidal wave that washed over me. He can say everything to me, saying nothing at all, with the curve of his infectious smile and the gleam of his eyes and I am simply powerless... mesmerized and drawn into the depths of his hold.
Life throws you curve balls and makes things seem unbearable at times. I always marked the storms of life's natural course as the moments when the men in my life would disappear. It's a big step, too big for them to think about, to set aside you own personal issues (everyone has them) and be prepared to face the ills of the world together and grab one another out of the proverbial sink hole of despair that life likes to toss you in... until like a miracle you learn to build a bridge together. He builds a bridge with me everyday and it's amazing to know that he will be there forever and not because he promised to, but because it is evident in the things he is doing and the choices that he tries to make with me. Not that either of us don't have our days where we are dousing that bridge in gasoline and holding the matches to burn it to the ground, but we always have each other to be there and blow out the flames. Somehow it makes us stronger. I think the key to almost any indifference in a relationship is knowing that the you are not the only person in it that doesn't want to give up and that you as well as them can always recall why they loved you so much to begin with.
No one said love was easy. When the gloves come off and things get real, you'll know if it is love or not for sure.
I feel fortunate to wake beside him in the mornings, to see the soft light creep through the window and dance along his eyelashes as his chest gently rises and falls beneath the catacombs of our fluffy down comforter. It's such a treasure to whisper I love him as I sweetly kiss the stubble upon his cheek and even though I think him to be in the deepest sleep ever, to hear him groggily respond " I love you too ".
I have always said that I am not a fortune teller and though I can only dream a future, that even if it ends poorly that I would rather have had the moments we shared in love... the memories that we made strung together like beads of rain drizzled along the daisy chain of our lives and have them to dangle in the sunshine of my memories and revel in the rainbow that they cast.
Sticking my neck on the chopping block is something that I have never been really good at. Giving someone all of your heart and not holding a piece of it back is in turn giving them the whole ability to destroy you if they so choose and trusting that they won't is the hardest thing you may ever bring yourself to believe. Once you know the sting of heartache; it is a pain that you will never forget, I can equal it only to razor sharp shards of glass coursing your veins while a mountain of lead sits upon your chest. To believe that you will live, despite that pain, seems unfathomable, and even though you manage; you never really forget. Heartache does something to you that is unimaginable. You find faults in yourself and no matter how you protested the angry words demeaning your character; some of that seeps inside of you and stays with you in a way forever changing your perception of yourself. I never really realized that before now about myself. I have noticed it in others during the course of our relationship and thought to myself, "I wish that I could have met them before someone broke their heart so badly and loved them then". They couldn't help it, and maybe didn't even notice it to be just that.
It was hard to realize that I did that too. It is a struggle everyday to try to push past it and take away only the lessons from the past without all the skepticism. I am glad that someone understands this emotion, that they've lived it; and mostly that he's able to forgive it.
With my whole heart I want to give him the love that I want for myself. I want to soak up all that his heart has to offer me and wring it back out upon him. I look in his eyes and I can feel the world around us melt away sometimes... what a feeling it is to be lost but know exactly where you are going all at the same time.
Many years ago, I had said that I never wanted my children to have a "step-parent"; especially one that had children of their own. I took from my own experiences as a child that they could never love them as much as their own children. I rethink that nearly every day. He is a wonderful parent... I fear far better than I could have ever aspired to be. He is firm but fair and wholly consistent. They boys needed him so much more than he could ever know. He looks them in the face and promises them that he will be here forever; and I think for once they actually believe him. He flourishes where I fail them; where I break or give in, he is a pillar; I am learning so much about being the parent that I always wanted to be. My heart grows in the moments that we are together as a family.. all snuggled up for a movie or laughing & being silly. It's a feeling of wholeness I cannot fully express, and it is easy sometimes to forget that we did not create these lives together.
I think we are all learning to be less of the "I" mentality and more accustomed to being a team unit. Could it be real that I can finally put to rest the fear that my children would not know the stability of a home life that I always wanted for myself with two strong-minded, responsible, loving parents>?
I love this man with my whole heart. I am learning to let go for him a little more each day. I catch myself staring at the way the line of his shirt falls upon his neck, the blur of his lashes encasing his eye.... the whirl of his hair & the weight of his hand in mine. I lose myself in the crook of his arm, ear pressed to his heart as his fingers relocate the locks of my hair with the precision of a sculptor. The warm honey softness of his kiss, the scent of his skin and the chirp of his laughter... a comfort, an addiction that is ever-burning for him. I can only pray that I will be the keeper of his heart wholly for always.
I could melt away into oblivion with this man... he's right; our hearts mirror each other... and I gaze in awe at the union that is we. I love you <3