gimme that, goodbye

tears in your eyes
as i walk away
done
and over it
nothing left to say
moving on is easy
for the one who chose to leave
you feel what it is to lose, now
and you want to hold on to me
i don't think you ever were in love
you found it easy to be cruel
but now you are so sweet and kind
now that we are through
you plead and beg everyday
for me to take you back
you even got down on one knee
as if I'd agree to that
you can't step on someone
for years upon years
until the finally let go
only to beg them to hold on tight
and try to make them your own
when it's over
it's really over
there can be no turning back
just move on
and let me be
if you "love" me
gimme that

True Story

straight -faced with crooked conversation you abstain from lifting even the inflection of your tone to comfort or console until it melds into something that makes mutes of us both
the silence is deafening but far less brutal then the space in between that eats at my peace and increases my need and desire for the love that I know in you still I haven't got a clue not a single rhyme or reason why our promises might flail like a bird with broken wings
and yet it seemed
that the door has closed and you are pressing your fingers to it to keep me out to stop me from helping and on the other side I sit crying and yelping and pleading and praying to be your honey balm to the burn the cruel cold black sun left upon you
your pride makes you think that it is you that needs saving and so you flatly and boldly refuse - OPEN open your eyes hear my sighs of discontent and fear and abandon naught the love in me that you so easily seen and grasped with a clutch of a giant tho meek and sweet and coy in my presence
you are mighty
and fierce
and strong
it is i who are weak and lay in waiting - isolated, longing and yearning for
YOU
true story
Like

live without love

Why?
Why do people say that they love you
only to tear you apart
only to break you down
everyday
everyday
everyday
words like razor blades
to shred
and tear away your happiness
and they delight
all the while
like a child
it's a trap
an endless cycle
and you long..
long... for release
and you need..
need to be free
but you're bound
and chained
to the hatred
that they breathe
the air they pollute
and you gasp
and grasp
at the thought of escape
an end to your pain
rescue me you scream
save me you pray
don't abandon me
i am dying inside
but I am not dead
I need a hero
to release this poison from my head
to heal
to love
to show me something new
I am looking for a miracle man
could he be you?

First Family Vacation (Part 1)

I had waited for this vacation to come for 3 months now... the time when we first began to plan it with much excitement in our hearts and minds. I had dreamed about the day when I would be welcomed open arms to my, now husbands family, for over 18 years... sometimes it seems like a dream. I fight the urge to be less of myself and to hold back... because I don't want to seem fake or unrreal.. but then whey too many times in my life being me.. has been whey too much for anyone to bear. I think about all the people that I have interacted with in my life thus far and I begin to wonder when there all have went. It seems that radically we are an ever-evolving social species and that we discard people and cling to the ones that share our new direction in life?
I ended a 20 year friendship this year. I made a lot of changes. It was a labor to let go of her, and I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I should actually commit to it or not. I mean after all 20 years is a lot of time investment to just throw it all away like that. In the end I concluded that it must be done. She was constantly trying to drag my marriage over the coals because her own was suffering and she was a selfish friend. Looking back on the whole incident now.. I can't even think of why we were friends at all. She was the kind of person that would always one better you.. if you had 10, she had 12. If you liked it but couldn't afford it... she'd buy it just to dangle it in your face. ( I know right??)
So it brings me to the point where we are right now. I am o n vacation with my husband and tow children and we are visiting his mother and step-father and father's side of the family. We were received well even though I was very nervous and most of the time I have felt very at ease. It is easy to overlook minor indifference and I am trying to keep the peace and have a happy visit but seriously am I the only person that tallies that shit in my head and holds record of it ? It's like I can instantly recall it. Maybe that isn't a good thing.
Let me first say that it was a very long drive to come here especial the first week of July with no air conditioning in my husbands car. I thought before we ever made it here that I was going to die of heat exhaustion. It was horrible the minute that we would get something cold to drink we would suck it down and get freeze headaches.. but set it aside for even a couple minutes and it felt like it was on fire. You know that you are getting dehydrated when you drink a half gallon of water and don't have to pee!
The first couple days of being here went fairly smooth and without incident... but then yesterday was a fucking fiasco!! and that is an understatement.  I have seen people have "episodes" before and I know all the stereotypes about morhter-in-laws, but holy cow! This lady flipped the FN script yesterday. All of the Aunts had gotten up early and went to pick berries and the men went over to fix this garden platform... I went with the men as I had no epi-pen with me and surely there would be bees at the berry patch. They returned a couple of hours later to the same location that we were at and they and lunch still followed. You could tell that her whole demeanor had changed. The car the children I had ridden over there in was now to be chauffered by her. I didn't think anything of it and I turned on my kindle and was tolerating all the pumps of the gas peddle and the sudden brakes. All I could think is "ugh, women drivers" but then I am a women and I can frickin drive very well... I ignored it mostly until she went off the road a couple of time and then I began to pay attention. She later ran over a median & nearly took out a mailbox.. I couldn't believe they let her on the road. UGH! When we got home it was obvious that she was completely annoyed with the children... even though they were being well behaved she was tripping out on them about the littlest of things. She had made a big deal about the volume of the television on 4 seperate occasions within a 10 minute period, when in fact the volume of the television had not changed at all. I began to feel mildly agitated and began recalling in my mind all the events of the previous couple of days and so I began to sigh a bit and make an attempt at calming myself before I blew my stack. Just then, my husband and his father arrive home and start talking about dinner for that night which they had planned would be pizza. My husband had suggested that we only orde pepperoni & cheese being as the children didn't like much on their pizza, it's more cost effective and that I really can't tolerate anything spicy. The woman goes on for like 30 minutes about how all they eat is the supreme pizza and in fact it is the only kind that they like and blah blah blah and orders a medium supreme for her & dad and a large pepperoni & cheese for the 4 of us( not near enough to even begin with) but get this... when the pizza arrives... what pizza does she eat>>???????????????? you guessed it.. Pepperoni & cheese. I thought I was going to burst I had to fucking leave the room.. she had instantly robbed me of my calm at that very moment. That was the stupidest shit I had ever seen in my life. My 6 yr old begins to cry because he is still hungry and there is not enough pizza UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - they boys could have killed a large pizza by themselves. I don't fucking get it. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I know that you take the good with the bad but F@@K!!!!! We are officially half way through... so I will catch you up when it's over and we are home safe again.... Did I mention that my husband is considering moving down here?... STAY TUNED

4-17-12 change

There has been so much weighing on my mind.. Why am I at this place in life where I contemplate every little outcome? It's like my head is suddenly filled with this weath of curious knowledge and I can't stop trying to fix everything and everyone - and yet it is painfully obvious that I haven't got control over a single thing.
The boys arrived off the bus this afternoon in tears. They had been fighting with one another physically and were exhausted and wanted me to choose sides. I silenced them and conceded to hear about it once we arrived home. Why does warm weather seem to bring out the crazy in people?
I have been emotionally drained this week... I am still struggling most days to get over the loss of my Mother. Easter holiday was hard - she was always such a fundamental part of that day for my children. I got through it - I bought the boys each a lavender lamb from Partylite (http://partylite.biz/sites/iwantmore) off my website outlet and they just loved them. I feel kind of like my Mama guided me to get them as she always used medicinal lavender oil to calm and relax those she loved including herself. The Boys said on their own accord that the scent reminds them of Grandma and it's comforting to me that they thought so. I warm the scent pouch for them at night and they seem to rest better.
I'm tired of people dying. Can't someone modify the heart so it won't break?
This past week my Uncle Dave Suteu comitted suicide. I guess that he left a note - so there is no mistaking his intent. As I understand it he had gotten in a fight with his sister Cathy over something trivial and she opted to press domestic violence charges on him. He then went to stay a couple of days at a friends house and let things blow over. Later his Mother had dropped off his medications and apparently later that evening he wrote a note and digested 20 Ocycotins. It is a sad state of affairs when people feel so lost an unloved and all of their hope is gone. Thing was, he was so very loved. He was my favorite Uncle. He always had kind words for me and he gave the best hugs. After my Mother and Step-father had gotten divorced not much of his family had opted to not keep in contact with me (the whole blood is thicker than water thing - they are dumbasses - their loss) but not him - he was gunna be my uncle dave forever and that was just it. I will miss him so much.
I wish that feelings showed on the outside and people could see your hurt as a direct result of their actions and words. Would it change the way they treated you? Would they opt to hold you instead of hurt you if they seen how close you were to the edge? Or would they opt to push you all the way because their hate and intolerance is just that strong? Part of me doesn't blame him for wanting out. It's hard to wade through all the indifference in the world and stay strong. I've had to let so many people out of my life because the burden of having them in it has simply become too great.
I get tired of hearing people complain about how horrible their spouses are to try to justify breaking their vows... or the same people crying because their spouse found out what a whore they are and they have abandoned them and taken everything... I keep thinking.. you reap what you sow. You see it everywhere around you and yet you don't want to make a change? Real change comes from within and you can only start with YOU!! Maybe if other people see the happiness that can come from living right they will want it for themselves. I can dream can't I?
This week my father was also in the hospital and had a close call. I am trying really hard to forge a relationship with my Dad. It's all I've really wanted from him my whole life. God willing I will find peace with him before either of us leave this earth.

4-4-12

Ominous day today... I've had this lurking feeling all day since when I first woke up. Everything seemed to stick out to me today; the scent of the air, the blueness of the sky, the chirping of the birds and the silence that surrounded me. It's strange to have time to think at all.. to have a moment ponder the passing events and reflect on how much has changed.
I've been bothered with a toothache for the better portion of the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to subside. It accounts for frequent headaches and irritation and a streaming lack of patience on my behalf. I miss my dentist... he was awesome. I haven't even gotten a dentist in New Jersey yet, much less one that I can trust... and here I am with tooth pain. UGH!
I feel as if I am slipping into an overall aggression. I'm easily bothered and lack my normal stem of tolerance which isn't all that much to speak of to begin with.
You ever want to say something to someone but you hold it in because you know that their view of how things are is so twisted that it will only cause an argument to say something? That is me , sometimes. Except I have a limit on what I can hold in and then it's bursts and I cannot stop myself... sadly it measures just the response that I knew it would and we are at square one with things because boy oh boy he knows how to be hurtful and when given the chance...he's malicious and brutal.
I don't understand how he can go from what appears a peaceful calm to a full on rage so freely... so instantly. It's rather disturbing. The alarming rage in his voice...the slamming of doors the shearing of even the air in the room... the brisk stomping.. the shouting of obscenities. It's grotesque.
I long for some aid for him. A healthy way for him to manage his anger but suggesting it is far beyond the spectrum of things that he would tolerate. I know what he expects and it's hard for me to bite down any free thought if the only reason would be to suppress it because it opposes him. I know he sees his wrong though he expects to not be questioned about it because to him it is trivial... as  if to reference that the wishes of anyone that is not following his immediate path is unimportant; though if you were to inquire directly he would say that's untrue. Men say women are complicated? You are kidding right?
I'd like to chalk it up to stress at work.
Hell I'd like to chalk it up to anything that is going to end it soon, then perhaps I could have hope.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I were able to leave the house... He knew what he was doing when he left my tire in the storage unit.

3-26-12

I sat in the living room the other day with my five year old and watched 'The Wizard of Oz ' for his first time. I seen this look of awe and wonderment on his face and I felt so blessed to have that moment with him. It is literally the first time in days that he seemingly has sit still. I have been concerned quite a bit that he is experiencing some issues. I noticed that he is drawing a fair bit of his letters backwards and sometimes his behavior makes me think that he might be mildly autistic. It makes me sad to say that I mean no one wants to say hey there might be something wrong with my kid... but I am planning on talking to his doctor about it the next time that we go into the office.
For a five year old, he is pretty amazing. His imagination moves at light speeds and he is full of life. I am hoping with the warmer weather and the opportunity to run out the bulk of his energy during the day that he will be calmer and more manageable in the evenings. It has been really upsetting to my husband that he will flat out defy him and then turn to ask me what he should be doing. I try to reinforce that he must listen to my husband as well but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Not to mention that even though he may ask me what he how he should behave he ultimately does as he pleases despite what I say. I have tried having him repeat back to me what I ask of him - which he will do... but he still does the exact opposite. I don't force him to, but he refuses to hold eye contact and flutters around on the floor flailing his arms and what not as if he is in his own little world. If you attempt to hold his attention or to control him in anyway he simply melts into a tantrum of defiance and refuses to the point of total meltdown. Mean face, fisted handed, stomping feet, screaming, crying.. you name it. In my own ways I am trying to combat this behavior. I plead with him that it is I that needs his help... "Please hold my hand while we cross the street Gavin, Mommy is so scared when you don't hold my hand" This usually works and is not totally untrue. It scares the shit out of me to see my child run into traffic. I have a hard time lying to him.. well to anyone really. It's too much to maintain...and kids don't seem to forget anything... unless we are counting the rules! lol
I do not want to end up being one of those parents that medicates my child unnecessarily. I am trying to exhaust every possible measure that I can to get reins on him before I resort to that. There is so much about him that is enjoyable and so I try to focus on that and keep him more engaged so that he has less time to let his imagination run away with him or create in is head scenarios where misbehavior might become amusing. I am not always successful at this!

Forgive me

I wish that I could lay the pages of my heart open for you so that you would better understand some of the workings of my mind. I feel like I go over the edge with people time and time again and for nothing more than a great lack of communication. I want to be heard.,. who do you know that doesn't? I want to be appreciated for my thoughts and I want my advice to want to be given and rather taken... cause heaven knows I am better at running  your life then I ever was at running my own. But see I have gotten passed all of that and in a weird way life has handed me all the lessons that I needed to learn and perhaps finally I have learned the humility of being an adult and making the right choices.
My mother would always say to me that I can not fix the broken wing birds and that I was a far better person than her. I am sure that many of her constituents would beg to differ on that last point of interest. I often wonder what if my mother told them far different views of me... if she ceaselessly complained about me to them or if their hatred for me spawned on it's own. It was quite a blow initially to realize that in losing her that I had lost my entire family [or the one that I had always known anyway] but it was only upon further inspection that I realized that it was in fact me leaving them and not the other way around. The death of my mother had allowed me to see the ugly reality of the world and now that my eyes were open and I could see them for what they really were I really just didn't see the point of continuing on. I learned how to give up on people who I meant nothing to from my father. It has taken me half a lifetime to realize that I am a daughter to him only in name. I am the burden he never wanted. I was a deduction for his paycheck and a thorn in his side. I had hoped that when I had children that it would spawn some miracle epiphany in time and he would realize all that he missed. No such luck. He's probably drunk now with his liver disease and surrounded by his emptiness and I suppose he will exit my life and I will be but an after thought to those that knew him best. Despite it all I love him. I am simply done with offering myself up to people and trying so hard to fit myself inside of their tiny hearts. It's strange how free you feel when you let go of all the hurt you have been holding.
I am sad a lot over my mother. That will never change. There are moments that I think to myself why do I miss her so... and all I can come up with is that no matter how fucked up things were between us... we always got back to the place where we were there for one another. We knew each other so thoroughly that we could talk about anything.
John was a wedge between me and my mom. I hate him. I fight myself not to feel anger and resentment towards him. I struggled hard to be kind when my mother passed; knowing that he talked to her like she was trash and made her cry all the time. Knowing that he kept her from her grandchildren, knowing that he beat her, knowing that he made her try crack, knowing that he kept her from my grandmother. I hate him. I want answers and resolve that I will never get from him and all I can do is scan the obits hoping to find his name. Then I feel bad for that and I just want him to go on living forever with what he has done. Forgive me.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......



20. Share it with a friend! hahah!

the weekend of 03-10-12

It's been a rough week for me. My Mother's birthday draws near and this is the first that will pass without her here. I have been struggling to keep myself occupied and forego the time to reflect and completely break down.
The week started off well. I have been increasingly busy with PartyLite and focused on helping my hostesses get their shows in order. I have been talking to everyone about it because it is exciting for me to see it go well and also it keep my thoughts about my Mother at bay. Things have seemingly settled down at home and we are falling into some sort of family routine of pleasantries. Me and the husband go our rounds from time to time but the bottom line of it all is that we compliment one another so completely. It just always has been. I regret often that we couldn't have been the way that we are now.. our first go around; but then I guess we both had a lot of life lessons to learn.
There is always so much to do when you are looking for it! ha! I spent a considerable amount of time in my sons room today. I showed them how I want things to be put away for like the one million'th time since they were born, which loosely translates into I cleaned their room while lecturing them. I wish that althought they don't enjoy the task at hand they would be able to appreciate the satifaction that comes when the job is completed and the praise that follows. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall but I am trying to remain steadfast and stay consistant in my prodding to achieve.
Parent Teacher conferences were last evening, so we had an early supper and headed over to the school. The boys played outside with my husband and I went in to recieve the news. This was the first time that I had met Jaylon's teacher since we had his classroom moved. Ms. Richards is old enough to be my Mother plus some. About a foot shorter than I in stature and very thin. Her raspy voice began with barely a smile to tell me that she felt that he was improving but would benefit from more one on one time when it comes to homework with my husband. She used up my conference time with her and my younger son's teacher and could have likely continued to tear apart and disect my parenting abilities and turn them into her finely attuned teaching methods. She did however express that he shows a higher level of learning when it comes to thought processes. It was a bit agaonizing at the end and I was relieved it was over.
Good things and sunshine smiles came from my youngest son's teacher. She always has a positive, upbeat outlook on what the children do and it was refreshing to hear her talk about him. He is finally showing some improvement with his speech and showing an extreme artistic aptitude for art.
We are spending the weekend doing a bit of spring cleaning around the house. It's been warm enough during the day to open the windows and air things out a bit, but still cold enough at night to warrant having the heat on. The boys always make a big deal about cleaning around the house and doing chores and usually that means more work for me but this time my husband really gave 110% and help me pull it all together. I guess we are kinda celebrating our accomplishments by having some family over for dinner and letting them get a look at the place mildly put together.
I had plans to make some curtains for our bedroom, and a skirt for a table in the kitchen, and thus bought some material to do so when we went to Walmart last night. I was up until nearly one in the morning fiddling with the sewing machine becasue after having sewed 3 seams my bobbin ran out and I needed to fill another one and re-thread the machine. I am wondering now if I busted it when I put the housing back in because something obviously wasn't right when it ended up busting the needle. Stopped, replaced the needle, re-threaded the machine again and now it is not making stitches - UGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I gave up after an hour or two and resigned to trying again this morning.... without avail. I began to think about the time that my Mother had so patiently waited for me to take an interest and wanted to teach me the ins and outs of using the sewing machine and I had no time for it, a busy teenager with her own agenda - I could have cared less and I am kicking myself for it now. She is gone and can never teach me another thing and I would give anything to be able to be her attentive student for ANY course.. and indeed sewing as it has become something that I use frequently in adulthood. I try not to dwell on these regrets and think of times with her that bring a smile to my face.... like how she used to call me her munchkin and how she would chase me up the stairs to tickle me and how we had our own secret way of saying things and we laughed at the rest of the world together. I miss her.
I try to be for my children all the things that I am sure that my Mother would have wanted to be for me or that she would be proud of me for being. I am pretty sure that I still get it wrong quite often but I think that I am doing better than most people do and well at least I am trying right?
sunday is the 11th of March and this will be the first year that I have not spent this day with my Mother. It's hard to know what to do. I want to settle it in my mind somehow that she is gone and find a way to commemorate that day with something special and lasting that will close the hole her death has left in my heart.
I just wish that I could think of her without thinking about the day that it all happened and refeeling all those things that I felt. It's like the wound won't close.