Silence her spirit and sew shut her lips
with a flip of your pen you tighten your grip
choking and smiting her vigilant voice
raised in apathy and disdain at your actions of choice
your offense is offensive and merely a ploy
the shift the direction with misdirection of joy
I watched you laugh today as you broke a child's spirit and filled his world with despair
how cruelly you abused him without even a care
your smug demeanor
your rancid soul
he stood there broken in the wake of your control
you made yourself a monster to him
it cannot be unseen
but instead of apologizing, you choose to demonize me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
la vèritè
When does it end?
I mean for real..
It's like the world is continually handing you your ass and you can't catch a break. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I feel like my life is horrible, that is, until I start peeling it out to someone else and they are all like the solution is so simple and then I feel removed from myself, like I am now outside of myself listening to myself talk and thinking to myself will this bitch ever stop making excuses and whining?
I feel like I know what I want but does the disparity of thinking that it simply doesn't exist make me placid and contemptuous?
floating
from one mistake to another and wishing there was some magic recipe to get to a good streak, where everything seems to click but what if the recipe was to just stay put all along and iron the wrinkles out of the mother fucker that is driving you bat shit crazy because he can't seem to dig his head out of his ass or what if you stay put only to find that staying was not only not the thing that you were supposed to do but in fact the thing that sealed your ending?
ugh
I guess the only thing that I am sure that I know is that I don't know... and worse yet, at the end of the day I am just too mentally exhausted to do anything about it and I guess I just feel like what is the point of making a huge change if I don't know for certain that it is the right thing to do - even though I seem fairly certain that remaining is quite possibly, m ost likely not the right thing.
indifference
and resentment
in abundance. so much so that it has broken inside of me the place that used to fill with warmth and love so easily
now,
more so a cold and barren vacuous space
nothing helps.
it all hurts and every day I cry.
what a torture.
la vèritè ; the truth
is that I am unhappy, but in all fairness I don't know if I could ever be.
I mean if suddenly the winds changed and the skies parted and all was right in the world would I even believe it? would I even be able to accept it? Or would I ruin it.
soil it.
stain it, until it was just as fucked up and barren as me inside.
does anyone really have the grit to heal - let alone the ability
and what if in all seriousness that is what is happening now and I am fucking it right in it's proverbial ass with all my brokenness?
not knowing is a torture
but isn't knowing too?
I mean for real..
It's like the world is continually handing you your ass and you can't catch a break. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
I feel like my life is horrible, that is, until I start peeling it out to someone else and they are all like the solution is so simple and then I feel removed from myself, like I am now outside of myself listening to myself talk and thinking to myself will this bitch ever stop making excuses and whining?
I feel like I know what I want but does the disparity of thinking that it simply doesn't exist make me placid and contemptuous?
floating
from one mistake to another and wishing there was some magic recipe to get to a good streak, where everything seems to click but what if the recipe was to just stay put all along and iron the wrinkles out of the mother fucker that is driving you bat shit crazy because he can't seem to dig his head out of his ass or what if you stay put only to find that staying was not only not the thing that you were supposed to do but in fact the thing that sealed your ending?
ugh
I guess the only thing that I am sure that I know is that I don't know... and worse yet, at the end of the day I am just too mentally exhausted to do anything about it and I guess I just feel like what is the point of making a huge change if I don't know for certain that it is the right thing to do - even though I seem fairly certain that remaining is quite possibly, m ost likely not the right thing.
indifference
and resentment
in abundance. so much so that it has broken inside of me the place that used to fill with warmth and love so easily
now,
more so a cold and barren vacuous space
nothing helps.
it all hurts and every day I cry.
what a torture.
la vèritè ; the truth
is that I am unhappy, but in all fairness I don't know if I could ever be.
I mean if suddenly the winds changed and the skies parted and all was right in the world would I even believe it? would I even be able to accept it? Or would I ruin it.
soil it.
stain it, until it was just as fucked up and barren as me inside.
does anyone really have the grit to heal - let alone the ability
and what if in all seriousness that is what is happening now and I am fucking it right in it's proverbial ass with all my brokenness?
not knowing is a torture
but isn't knowing too?
Sunday, May 6, 2018
When it rains
I spent last night in the hospital.
It was a normal day like any other, but I think the stress has finally caught up with me. I have been running on fumes for weeks with a mounting pile of stress and things to manage and I was outside playing with my children and watering my plants and I blacked out. I ended up scraping my knee and arm up pretty good and hitting my head, which meant that I would be visiting the hospital.
I hate going to the hospital.
It seemed not busy when I arrived but within minutes the waiting room was filled to the brim and before I know it I had waiting three hours to be seen. After a CAT scan and some X-rays I am no more informed than when I arrived about why I could have passed out. The loaded me up with morphine and cleaned my wounds and sent me home. I slept until noon the next day without waking even once... but hell it was 3 am before I got home.
The ER doctor made some mention that my family doctor may want to do some sort of heart monitor that I wear for a couple of weeks. I hope it's nothing serious... I can't help but worry, considering my mother and grandmother both died from heart complications and my grandmother and grandfather on my fathers side one heart problems and the other stroke. The proverbial deck is stacked against me, it would seem.
My friend lost her Grandmother this week and is in the final trimester of her pregnancy... and I spent most of the evening giving good advice to an old friend's girlfriend. I may have missed my calling as a life coach.
I can rest easy tonight knowing that I have put out more good than I have taken from the world today.
I can tell my youngest was worried as he went to bed and feeling concerned about being separated from me. But the morning will bring a new week and we will need to get back to the grind and work through his school work so that he can finish at the same time as everyone else and enjoy his summer break! Gosh I can't believe it is almost summer break and that my oldest boy will officially be a high schooler next school year. I sit here and think to myself "where has the time gone" and remember where I was in 9th grade, and wonder if I am truly ready for him to be there.
It was a normal day like any other, but I think the stress has finally caught up with me. I have been running on fumes for weeks with a mounting pile of stress and things to manage and I was outside playing with my children and watering my plants and I blacked out. I ended up scraping my knee and arm up pretty good and hitting my head, which meant that I would be visiting the hospital.
I hate going to the hospital.
It seemed not busy when I arrived but within minutes the waiting room was filled to the brim and before I know it I had waiting three hours to be seen. After a CAT scan and some X-rays I am no more informed than when I arrived about why I could have passed out. The loaded me up with morphine and cleaned my wounds and sent me home. I slept until noon the next day without waking even once... but hell it was 3 am before I got home.
The ER doctor made some mention that my family doctor may want to do some sort of heart monitor that I wear for a couple of weeks. I hope it's nothing serious... I can't help but worry, considering my mother and grandmother both died from heart complications and my grandmother and grandfather on my fathers side one heart problems and the other stroke. The proverbial deck is stacked against me, it would seem.
My friend lost her Grandmother this week and is in the final trimester of her pregnancy... and I spent most of the evening giving good advice to an old friend's girlfriend. I may have missed my calling as a life coach.
I can rest easy tonight knowing that I have put out more good than I have taken from the world today.
I can tell my youngest was worried as he went to bed and feeling concerned about being separated from me. But the morning will bring a new week and we will need to get back to the grind and work through his school work so that he can finish at the same time as everyone else and enjoy his summer break! Gosh I can't believe it is almost summer break and that my oldest boy will officially be a high schooler next school year. I sit here and think to myself "where has the time gone" and remember where I was in 9th grade, and wonder if I am truly ready for him to be there.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Where are we going?
When did people stop taking pride in themselves? When did we get so lost that the minimal effort is all anyone is willing to put forth? Does no one seriously take pride in doing their best at their job or striving to succeed any more?
I've always been one to take notice in the world around me. My mother used to say "you got to look beyond the end of your nose", my grandmother used to say " there's more than just your own back yard", the message is all the same. It's a big world out there and even if you choose to ignore it, it's still there so look at the big picture. I think that we have gotten so self consumed that we only see ourselves now. What's worse, we are raising a generation that is so short sighted, entitled and afraid of criticism that they hide away from the world. Instead of being out in the world and enjoying the differences of people they are busy sorting each other and demanding sameness.
Parenting is so lax, I can hardly believe some of the things that my sons friends are getting away with. No one home to enforce the rules. No one looking over their shoulder or guiding them to the right path and furthermore.. no one telling them that they HAVE to do anything.
The world is moving so fast on a crash course of devastation and no one can be bothered to look away from their screen long enough to see a solution. There is a problem with not taking any responsibility that is breeding an epidemic. Over sensitive, easily offended sheep leading more sheep and they are misinformed. It's okay to be different, but you can't demand that everyone accept that. Yes you have a right to not be mistreated, but saying that I don't understand or asking questions is not abuse or a violation of your rights. You've got to expect some weird looks or remarks when it's something new and different... and news flash people can act very ignorant, but one asshole doesn't speak for all of humanity.
It surprises me that a generation so consumed with labeling everything and tossing it into a category will stand on their proverbial soapbox to preach gender anonymity. Then, a lot of things surprise me.
Suicide is on the rise. Mass shootings in schools and public events are on the rise. Terrorism is permeating our culture and leaching into our schools. The weak are getting shepherded by a dangerous lot and swallowed up with iniquity and despair. Like insolent children they are begging for you to set a limitation and demand better of them and if you won't they just keep going until there is nothing left to destroy.
My eldest son complains all the time that I don't allow him to do things that other parents allow. He complains that he has guidelines and rules. That I have expectations and that I make demands. It's a hard road for me to walk because I want his love and praise... but even more than that I want him alive and to have a chance to make it if anything ever happened to me. I go to great lengths to communicate with his teachers and find it sad that I'm not even at the school and most times I can tell them more about what happened in their classroom then they can. There is no reason that a teacher should be leaving a room full of 30 teenagers to their own devices. It's my belief that the reason that the schools think there isn't a bullying problem is because they aren't looking beyond the end of their noses. This speaks back to people doing the bare minimum in their jobs.
Most schools aren't secure. Most schools don't monitor what kids are bringing into the schools. Drugs are infesting our schools and children are arming themselves with weapons and vengeance. They are hurt and they want to throw a fit like they see the generation before them all over television and internet... and people are dying. Children are dying.
There is simply no accountability. No enforcement of the rules. No standard that you can't slip beneath.
You have to start with yourself and with your children and stop being afraid to demand more from your peers and coworkers, from your community and blossom out from there. I'm not talking about your opinion of how things should be, but the hard cold factual rules and morality that once stood for something in our communities.
I've always been one to take notice in the world around me. My mother used to say "you got to look beyond the end of your nose", my grandmother used to say " there's more than just your own back yard", the message is all the same. It's a big world out there and even if you choose to ignore it, it's still there so look at the big picture. I think that we have gotten so self consumed that we only see ourselves now. What's worse, we are raising a generation that is so short sighted, entitled and afraid of criticism that they hide away from the world. Instead of being out in the world and enjoying the differences of people they are busy sorting each other and demanding sameness.
Parenting is so lax, I can hardly believe some of the things that my sons friends are getting away with. No one home to enforce the rules. No one looking over their shoulder or guiding them to the right path and furthermore.. no one telling them that they HAVE to do anything.
The world is moving so fast on a crash course of devastation and no one can be bothered to look away from their screen long enough to see a solution. There is a problem with not taking any responsibility that is breeding an epidemic. Over sensitive, easily offended sheep leading more sheep and they are misinformed. It's okay to be different, but you can't demand that everyone accept that. Yes you have a right to not be mistreated, but saying that I don't understand or asking questions is not abuse or a violation of your rights. You've got to expect some weird looks or remarks when it's something new and different... and news flash people can act very ignorant, but one asshole doesn't speak for all of humanity.
It surprises me that a generation so consumed with labeling everything and tossing it into a category will stand on their proverbial soapbox to preach gender anonymity. Then, a lot of things surprise me.
Suicide is on the rise. Mass shootings in schools and public events are on the rise. Terrorism is permeating our culture and leaching into our schools. The weak are getting shepherded by a dangerous lot and swallowed up with iniquity and despair. Like insolent children they are begging for you to set a limitation and demand better of them and if you won't they just keep going until there is nothing left to destroy.
My eldest son complains all the time that I don't allow him to do things that other parents allow. He complains that he has guidelines and rules. That I have expectations and that I make demands. It's a hard road for me to walk because I want his love and praise... but even more than that I want him alive and to have a chance to make it if anything ever happened to me. I go to great lengths to communicate with his teachers and find it sad that I'm not even at the school and most times I can tell them more about what happened in their classroom then they can. There is no reason that a teacher should be leaving a room full of 30 teenagers to their own devices. It's my belief that the reason that the schools think there isn't a bullying problem is because they aren't looking beyond the end of their noses. This speaks back to people doing the bare minimum in their jobs.
Most schools aren't secure. Most schools don't monitor what kids are bringing into the schools. Drugs are infesting our schools and children are arming themselves with weapons and vengeance. They are hurt and they want to throw a fit like they see the generation before them all over television and internet... and people are dying. Children are dying.
There is simply no accountability. No enforcement of the rules. No standard that you can't slip beneath.
You have to start with yourself and with your children and stop being afraid to demand more from your peers and coworkers, from your community and blossom out from there. I'm not talking about your opinion of how things should be, but the hard cold factual rules and morality that once stood for something in our communities.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
2/13/2018
I think in order to feel successful every day, there needs to be a conscious effort to move more forward than you do back.
I can't be the only soul that constantly works to improve myself and my surroundings. I think that some times it seems fruitless or I just don't have the ability to make the changes that I want at the particular time; but eventually it all ends up how I want it.
I stood in my kitchen this evening and felt that satisfaction when I reached for something it was there. Exactly where I put it. Exactly where I needed it and it felt good to go through the motions of my evening without all the anxiety and stress. I can be a bit neurotic. Don't look at me like that is a bad thing! I get shit done!..... efficiently!
I feel like I have been in a whirl wind the past couple of weeks. The year is flying by already and I have been so busy that I can barely think straight some days. It doesn't leave me a lot of time to deal with other people's bullshit or maintain my friendships and I find myself thinking that I need to make a better effort to reach out to people and then I instantly think "fuck them!" I mean if they can't reach out to me why the hell should I always have to be the one licking everyone's royal asshole?!
People just don't treat others right anymore. Everyone is so self serving and rude and careless with the hearts of others that I can't help but be disgusted and want to be away from it.
This woman snatched my money from my hand the other day when I was buying my son a tea and it was all I could do not to blurt out that I wasn't the reason that she was making minimum wage at a shitty fast food spot. Instead I looked at my son and told him " this is why you HAVE to go to college"; he knew exactly what I was talking about.
Bad thing is... I don't really feel any disdain towards this woman and her poor life choices or hap hazard circumstances. I know nothing about her journey or where she is at - so later I feel bad, because I too have been victimized by other people's judgement for my hasty responses in the wake of a bad day. Not bad enough to go back and sympathize with her... but I spent entirely too long thinking about the circumstances that caused her to snatch my money... and hell... maybe she is just a cunt who snatches things! *sigh
I'm so busy during the day that I really don't mind being alone. I can move at my own pace and no one is bitching about me belting out my amazon playlist at the top of my lungs as I dance from room to room cleaning. It's when it gets to be this time of night that I really feel the pinch. I sit here like I am waiting for someone to walk through the door until I snap out of it.
The amount of stress in my life has been recently overwhelming - so I have been doing a bunch of deep cleaning and reorganizing. (Don't judge me) It's weird how everything being tidy and lemon scented can be sedating. I think it makes me miss my mom less. I've really been feeling her in the back of my mind lately. I wish she could just tell me what she needs to- I'd surely love to hear it. Oh what I wouldn't give to talk with her. I don't think it's ever really going to sit with me that she is gone.
Monday, February 12, 2018
Losing their father
It is truly defeating to see the spirit of a child break. Hope is abundant in them and they are always willing to look forward with it filling their hearts. I could always appreciate the brutal honesty and wonderment of a child. To say that I have enjoyed the journey of raising my boys would be an understatement. I love kids. They are amazing.
I am constantly working on myself and taking an inventory of all our happenings, in hopes that I can fine tune and better the version of Mom that I am giving them. I want to be the person that opens doors for them and makes opportunities. I want to guide rather than control and empower them to be the best versions of themselves every day. All the goodness in my life is wrapped up in the gleam of their eyes and I am the luckiest woman in the world when I think of it like that.
Sure there are ups and down. Beating yourself up, I think just seems to come with the territory. I obsess if I am doing enough or making the right decisions for their future. I plan, skimp, save and sacrifice my sleep and sanity. I cheer when I'm sick, when I'm tired and even when they are driving me crazy. I smile and make pancakes, because somebody has got to do it! Honestly, I wouldn't have it be anyone but me. I love them an immeasurable amount.
That's all normal right? What am I getting at you ask?
I know that I am not the only person that feels like this about their child and I know that it is the right way to feel. I am so lost to how people can NOT feel this for their children. How they can place themselves above them and hurt them without regard. Watching that light leave your child's eyes is so criminal... but then I guess you didn't have to see it did you?
I wished sometimes that I was never with their father. I mean what in the hell was I thinking? Surely it must have been one of those moments where there is a higher purpose at play. I had to suffer him to have them - it's how I know that they are destined for greatness.
He was 4 years my junior, but I wouldn't learn that until later. He was friends with my cousin, whom at the time I was really close with. He was shiftless and lazy, but I worked like crazy and kept odd hours and he was around. I could have walked away from him a million times; but I was in a dark place and didn't really care much about a lot of things. We were already separated when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest son. I didn't even want to tell him. I kicked myself a million times over for having done that; but if I hadn't - I wouldn't have my youngest son.
The kids were very small when I finally ended things for good. I was buried beneath the mountain of debt spawned from his addictions and ready to cut my losses. I think he was pissed that I didn't just out right fail. That I didn't need him and no matter how bad things were that I was a survivor and would never come crawling back to him. He's tried many times since then to find a way into my life and in the midst of rejection his offers of agenda based kindness turn into something for him to turn the tables and throw in my face. Isn't funny how people remember things to suit them sometimes? He definitely has a selective memory.
I have tried over the last 15 years to make reasonable opportunities for him with the children. I have hosted numerous events and allowed consistent invasions of my privacy and resources in an attempt to foster a positive parent relationship with him and the children. He eats my food, invites his family and manipulates every avenue that he can. He has stolen from my home, ran my bills up and demanded rewards for spending time with his children. Nothing is ever good enough and if I protest I am subject to his verbal abuse and ridicule.
He has taken recently to calling regularly on Sundays ( only since Christmas). These calls were supposed to be before 6pm and he often waits until 8 or 9pm to finally call. I think it's because he wants to make me look like the villain and the best way to do that is to call late so that I refuse the call and then he can play the victim and say that I am denying him his children.
Tuesday my oldest son turned 14. It was a big day for him and he had a lot of high hopes. I had been saving for months just to buy him the shoes that he wanted. He opted to stay home from school and we went to lunch together and out to buy the shoes that he wanted. He had thought that he would hear from his father seeing as his younger brother had reminded him on the Sunday prior that his brothers birthday was on Tuesday. It was nearly 9pm and the children were headed to bed when the phone rang. I showed it to my son and he said no. He was on his way to bed and felt very upset that he waited all day to call. His father protested and blamed me for his lack of preparedness, so when I let him know the next day was a snow day - my sons hopes were raised again. No call. More excuses. In fact the whole week passed and there was no call... until Sunday evening...late... and he spent almost 40 minutes talking to my youngest son and although his brothers birthday was mentioned several times he ended the call without so much as a happy birthday.
We called back.
Like a petty insolent child he blamed everyone but himself and literally told my son that it was his own fault that he didn't celebrate his birthday. Can you imagine? It must be terrible holding all that contempt for everyone else to simply shift blame from yourself. He did a bunch of screaming and name calling... and just like that he sealed his own fate. He lost them. He lost his ability to be anything to them. Love for a child should not have conditions. It should not cause pain. There has been 14 years of suffering... it's bittersweet.
I am constantly working on myself and taking an inventory of all our happenings, in hopes that I can fine tune and better the version of Mom that I am giving them. I want to be the person that opens doors for them and makes opportunities. I want to guide rather than control and empower them to be the best versions of themselves every day. All the goodness in my life is wrapped up in the gleam of their eyes and I am the luckiest woman in the world when I think of it like that.
Sure there are ups and down. Beating yourself up, I think just seems to come with the territory. I obsess if I am doing enough or making the right decisions for their future. I plan, skimp, save and sacrifice my sleep and sanity. I cheer when I'm sick, when I'm tired and even when they are driving me crazy. I smile and make pancakes, because somebody has got to do it! Honestly, I wouldn't have it be anyone but me. I love them an immeasurable amount.
That's all normal right? What am I getting at you ask?
I know that I am not the only person that feels like this about their child and I know that it is the right way to feel. I am so lost to how people can NOT feel this for their children. How they can place themselves above them and hurt them without regard. Watching that light leave your child's eyes is so criminal... but then I guess you didn't have to see it did you?
I wished sometimes that I was never with their father. I mean what in the hell was I thinking? Surely it must have been one of those moments where there is a higher purpose at play. I had to suffer him to have them - it's how I know that they are destined for greatness.
He was 4 years my junior, but I wouldn't learn that until later. He was friends with my cousin, whom at the time I was really close with. He was shiftless and lazy, but I worked like crazy and kept odd hours and he was around. I could have walked away from him a million times; but I was in a dark place and didn't really care much about a lot of things. We were already separated when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest son. I didn't even want to tell him. I kicked myself a million times over for having done that; but if I hadn't - I wouldn't have my youngest son.
The kids were very small when I finally ended things for good. I was buried beneath the mountain of debt spawned from his addictions and ready to cut my losses. I think he was pissed that I didn't just out right fail. That I didn't need him and no matter how bad things were that I was a survivor and would never come crawling back to him. He's tried many times since then to find a way into my life and in the midst of rejection his offers of agenda based kindness turn into something for him to turn the tables and throw in my face. Isn't funny how people remember things to suit them sometimes? He definitely has a selective memory.
I have tried over the last 15 years to make reasonable opportunities for him with the children. I have hosted numerous events and allowed consistent invasions of my privacy and resources in an attempt to foster a positive parent relationship with him and the children. He eats my food, invites his family and manipulates every avenue that he can. He has stolen from my home, ran my bills up and demanded rewards for spending time with his children. Nothing is ever good enough and if I protest I am subject to his verbal abuse and ridicule.
He has taken recently to calling regularly on Sundays ( only since Christmas). These calls were supposed to be before 6pm and he often waits until 8 or 9pm to finally call. I think it's because he wants to make me look like the villain and the best way to do that is to call late so that I refuse the call and then he can play the victim and say that I am denying him his children.
Tuesday my oldest son turned 14. It was a big day for him and he had a lot of high hopes. I had been saving for months just to buy him the shoes that he wanted. He opted to stay home from school and we went to lunch together and out to buy the shoes that he wanted. He had thought that he would hear from his father seeing as his younger brother had reminded him on the Sunday prior that his brothers birthday was on Tuesday. It was nearly 9pm and the children were headed to bed when the phone rang. I showed it to my son and he said no. He was on his way to bed and felt very upset that he waited all day to call. His father protested and blamed me for his lack of preparedness, so when I let him know the next day was a snow day - my sons hopes were raised again. No call. More excuses. In fact the whole week passed and there was no call... until Sunday evening...late... and he spent almost 40 minutes talking to my youngest son and although his brothers birthday was mentioned several times he ended the call without so much as a happy birthday.
We called back.
Like a petty insolent child he blamed everyone but himself and literally told my son that it was his own fault that he didn't celebrate his birthday. Can you imagine? It must be terrible holding all that contempt for everyone else to simply shift blame from yourself. He did a bunch of screaming and name calling... and just like that he sealed his own fate. He lost them. He lost his ability to be anything to them. Love for a child should not have conditions. It should not cause pain. There has been 14 years of suffering... it's bittersweet.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
2/8/18 Wrestling banquet
It's hard to believe it's been a year since I was at this banquet. For two years my son has had the same two wrestling coaches and even this year they are his teachers for classes as well. It would be an understatement to stay that he is attached to these two men. They have been like fathers or big brothers to him and my heart broke to see him cry at the thought of not seeing them every day after this year is concluded. I am hoping that his coaches next year are of the same caliber and give him even more reason to build positive, trusting male bonded relationships... despite the lack of fortitude in that department from his absent father.
It was a cold and blustery evening - but it warmed my heart to see the team get their awards and reap their praise for their efforts this season. To see the beam of happiness across my sons face as he sits with his friends and I wonder where the time has gone. Took a wonderful snapshot of him with his coaches at the conclusion of the event and I do believe it was the first wholly genuine smile for a photograph I have seen come from my son in the longest time. I think I will get it printed out and frame it for him.
It was a good day.
I don't get many of those... so I'm going to cherish it!
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
2/7/18
There is something oddly satisfying about having the kitchen completely clean before I go to bed. If it were up to me it would be the entire house; but it just hasn't been that type of day... hell it hasn't been that type of week.
I've felt a little pulled apart heading through this week with a hefty agenda that requires marksmen execution - but it's over halfway through and I am plucking right along.
Any other week I would have welcomed a distraction; begged for some dramatics to bust off the monotony... but it of course chose to hit me like a tidal wave THIS week instead.
I've always prided myself of those weird string of events happening that no one would believe unless they were right there and witnessed it themselves ... but even after years of these instances, I am still quite uncertain as to why they happen.
An ex-boyfriend popped up this week out of the blue and messaged me on social media. He produced the familiar repertoire that I have had dealt to me many times before by others that I have cast from my life. Long story short, he found himself among iniquity... a low point in life that caused him to reflect and he felt regret and somehow prized me above the others. Professing apologies that absolved me of any prior stain he had claimed to my character and thinking himself to be nonchalantly tip toeing his way back into my graces. (sigh)
On one hand it's wonderful to have the vindication; but I've never really been the one to drift backwards. I listen to his story and I feel bad. There's a tired look about him now... older... worn... defeated... tired and I try to search beneath it for the him that I knew... it's not hard to find the things that I didn't like about him looming beneath the surface.... fighting to show their face. Still I can't want bad for him. I extend my forgiveness, because it's the right thing to do and I am all about having peace... but Part of me worries that it will end up being a thing that brings me grief if I'm not careful.
My oldest son turned 14 this week and for the first time that I can recall I let him stay home from school on his birthday. It was nice to spend the day with him and see him relax a bit and be so carefree. We joked and laughed and i got to see his smile a lot. We had a nice lunch together at Bravo and I took him to buy the sneakers that he's been wanting. (Labron 15's in Cavs colors). We closed his birthday out tonight with a homemade lemon pudding cake with lemon buttercream frosting (his request) and some oreo ice cream. Tomorrow we will celebrate his triumphs for the wrestling season and I will sit her and wish he was small again - so we could do it all over. He will never really know the infinite love that I have for him.
More winter snow although I keep hoping for spring. I'm interested to see if the children have school tomorrow.
I've felt a little pulled apart heading through this week with a hefty agenda that requires marksmen execution - but it's over halfway through and I am plucking right along.
Any other week I would have welcomed a distraction; begged for some dramatics to bust off the monotony... but it of course chose to hit me like a tidal wave THIS week instead.
I've always prided myself of those weird string of events happening that no one would believe unless they were right there and witnessed it themselves ... but even after years of these instances, I am still quite uncertain as to why they happen.
An ex-boyfriend popped up this week out of the blue and messaged me on social media. He produced the familiar repertoire that I have had dealt to me many times before by others that I have cast from my life. Long story short, he found himself among iniquity... a low point in life that caused him to reflect and he felt regret and somehow prized me above the others. Professing apologies that absolved me of any prior stain he had claimed to my character and thinking himself to be nonchalantly tip toeing his way back into my graces. (sigh)
On one hand it's wonderful to have the vindication; but I've never really been the one to drift backwards. I listen to his story and I feel bad. There's a tired look about him now... older... worn... defeated... tired and I try to search beneath it for the him that I knew... it's not hard to find the things that I didn't like about him looming beneath the surface.... fighting to show their face. Still I can't want bad for him. I extend my forgiveness, because it's the right thing to do and I am all about having peace... but Part of me worries that it will end up being a thing that brings me grief if I'm not careful.
My oldest son turned 14 this week and for the first time that I can recall I let him stay home from school on his birthday. It was nice to spend the day with him and see him relax a bit and be so carefree. We joked and laughed and i got to see his smile a lot. We had a nice lunch together at Bravo and I took him to buy the sneakers that he's been wanting. (Labron 15's in Cavs colors). We closed his birthday out tonight with a homemade lemon pudding cake with lemon buttercream frosting (his request) and some oreo ice cream. Tomorrow we will celebrate his triumphs for the wrestling season and I will sit her and wish he was small again - so we could do it all over. He will never really know the infinite love that I have for him.
More winter snow although I keep hoping for spring. I'm interested to see if the children have school tomorrow.
Monday, January 29, 2018
3+ months ( 1/29/18 )
Am I the only one that feels like I am going through this thing alone?
It's been a little over 3 months and I am down 75# - that should feel like something I would think... but it doesn't. I don't feel much different than I did three months ago and sometimes it can be a little depressing. I still can't eat meat really - at least not more than a bite or two.... most days I don't feel like eating much at all; so I drink protein shakes and protein water and of course I eat my buffet of vitamins and supplements.
To cool thing is that I have got the kids both wearing their fitbits and tracking their food too and we are all being more healthy because of it. Of course they are only taking a flintstone chewable, but it's cute to see them geeking out on fitness.
It's weird to let go. To realize that it wasn't just weight that I was carrying around but pounds and pounds of feelings. I'm not an emotional eater; but I can confess that when life gets me down I am guilty of sulking and not being very active. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I mean I have been pretty good at this mom thing; but I can always see room for improvement and I hope when they look back they see that I always tried.
I have spent a lot of time, in the passed few months, evaluating my life and relationships and feeling honestly a bit disgusted with what I have settled for, accepted and allowed up and to this point. I am at no loss for people in my life that want to make me feel bad, use me or mistreat me. My Mother always said that I had a thing for broken-winged birds and the evidence is all around me.
It's weird how offended people get when you put your foot down and remove yourself from the discount rack. The same people that are comfortable beating you down to make themselves feel better or draw the attention away from the wrong that they have done to you are the same ones who can't seem to stand it when you toss the truth at them and demand fair treatment. Goodbye! I have no time for their shit in my life! What a freedom it is to let them go. I won't lie, it's been heart-wrenching... and there were many times that I thought that I would cave and reach back to them, but I had to realize that I made it this far without them - in spite of them... and hell if I can do that, I got this!
People always say you can't choose your family... and I get what they are saying... but I can choose to be without them and I can choose to make them go on without me. Same for the some of the time so-called friends that filled my life once with all their demands and needs but when I needed them they were ghost.
You would think my life empty. lonely. Sometimes that feels real to me and some days it hurts. So I've exchanged those words for carefree and peaceful. Not that I get much peace with two growing boys! I do so much with those little maniacs that I sometimes feel stretched a little thin. I feel like I can give them so much more without the devils always clicking at my heels to right their wrongs and live beneath their judgement. It feels good to be the mom that is involved... and I mean really involved, not just attending. It feels good to know not only what is going on with my children but to be a guiding force and a loved mother figure to many of their friends. I love my home being the safe place where they can be themselves and be loved and accepted for the real them that they never have to hide from me.
Almost a week to Jaylon's birthday, I can't believe that he is going to be 14 already, it seems like only yesterday I was taking him home from the hospital - it's no lie that time flies. I wish I could go back - there is so much that I would want to do differently. It's hard to see it when you are living in the moment - but looking back, thinking back... it's crystal clear. I wish so badly sometimes that I could dig inside of their minds and know how they thought everything went. I guess all I can do at the end of the day is hope they know how much I love them.
Gavin will be starting a new school soon. There was an incident at the school he was attending and they chose to restrain him ( I was beside myself and contacted an attorney). He'll never forget that. I'll never understand why people like to hurt him. The new school is sensory & autism friendly and he did a couple trial days and really enjoyed it. It's a shorter day, a shorter week and an education geared directly to him. he will stay there until he graduates if he wants and can even prepare for college and still pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian!
Jaylon won second place in his weight class at Federal League tournaments this weekend and has another match tonight against Manchester or Hudson! Go Bears!
It's been a little over 3 months and I am down 75# - that should feel like something I would think... but it doesn't. I don't feel much different than I did three months ago and sometimes it can be a little depressing. I still can't eat meat really - at least not more than a bite or two.... most days I don't feel like eating much at all; so I drink protein shakes and protein water and of course I eat my buffet of vitamins and supplements.
To cool thing is that I have got the kids both wearing their fitbits and tracking their food too and we are all being more healthy because of it. Of course they are only taking a flintstone chewable, but it's cute to see them geeking out on fitness.
It's weird to let go. To realize that it wasn't just weight that I was carrying around but pounds and pounds of feelings. I'm not an emotional eater; but I can confess that when life gets me down I am guilty of sulking and not being very active. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I mean I have been pretty good at this mom thing; but I can always see room for improvement and I hope when they look back they see that I always tried.
I have spent a lot of time, in the passed few months, evaluating my life and relationships and feeling honestly a bit disgusted with what I have settled for, accepted and allowed up and to this point. I am at no loss for people in my life that want to make me feel bad, use me or mistreat me. My Mother always said that I had a thing for broken-winged birds and the evidence is all around me.
It's weird how offended people get when you put your foot down and remove yourself from the discount rack. The same people that are comfortable beating you down to make themselves feel better or draw the attention away from the wrong that they have done to you are the same ones who can't seem to stand it when you toss the truth at them and demand fair treatment. Goodbye! I have no time for their shit in my life! What a freedom it is to let them go. I won't lie, it's been heart-wrenching... and there were many times that I thought that I would cave and reach back to them, but I had to realize that I made it this far without them - in spite of them... and hell if I can do that, I got this!
People always say you can't choose your family... and I get what they are saying... but I can choose to be without them and I can choose to make them go on without me. Same for the some of the time so-called friends that filled my life once with all their demands and needs but when I needed them they were ghost.
You would think my life empty. lonely. Sometimes that feels real to me and some days it hurts. So I've exchanged those words for carefree and peaceful. Not that I get much peace with two growing boys! I do so much with those little maniacs that I sometimes feel stretched a little thin. I feel like I can give them so much more without the devils always clicking at my heels to right their wrongs and live beneath their judgement. It feels good to be the mom that is involved... and I mean really involved, not just attending. It feels good to know not only what is going on with my children but to be a guiding force and a loved mother figure to many of their friends. I love my home being the safe place where they can be themselves and be loved and accepted for the real them that they never have to hide from me.
Almost a week to Jaylon's birthday, I can't believe that he is going to be 14 already, it seems like only yesterday I was taking him home from the hospital - it's no lie that time flies. I wish I could go back - there is so much that I would want to do differently. It's hard to see it when you are living in the moment - but looking back, thinking back... it's crystal clear. I wish so badly sometimes that I could dig inside of their minds and know how they thought everything went. I guess all I can do at the end of the day is hope they know how much I love them.
Gavin will be starting a new school soon. There was an incident at the school he was attending and they chose to restrain him ( I was beside myself and contacted an attorney). He'll never forget that. I'll never understand why people like to hurt him. The new school is sensory & autism friendly and he did a couple trial days and really enjoyed it. It's a shorter day, a shorter week and an education geared directly to him. he will stay there until he graduates if he wants and can even prepare for college and still pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian!
Jaylon won second place in his weight class at Federal League tournaments this weekend and has another match tonight against Manchester or Hudson! Go Bears!
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Teen Suicide, Tide pods & Parenting
We've got a lot of ground to cover. Buckle up!
I'm sure every parent has thought that they've had a harder go at it then their parents did raising them. At least that is what I tell myself, when I'm resisting the urge to bitch about my parenting woes. Perhaps it's true in some regard, as the world is constantly changing and evolving and you have to grow with it. Whether you want to or not.
I never thought I would be the one sitting here, coining phrases like " I long for a simpler time" or "when I was a kid"... blah blah blah, but here we are.
A neighboring school district has been battling a rash of teen suicides. They've had about 1 per month since school has started. People are so quick to point the finger and place blame. The community wants so badly to have someone or something to crucify for all this heartache. Ironically, I don't think that it is any one thing that is causing children to feel despair these days.
There has always been bullying and there will always be bullying... but let's face facts it was NEVER the way that it is now. If someone talks shit about you or you make a mistake you are risking only a few people knowing or even it being contained within your school and community.. you are facing judgement and ridicule globally. Worse yet, there is likely to be video evidence of it. How can you live that down?
Everyone has an opinion and our youth are constantly looking for validation. Are they good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, trendy enough... you get the idea. They spam polls and pictures throughout social media fishing for affirmations and are often times met with something quite the contrary. There is some real ugliness on the internet.
In an era of challenges and a yearn for followers and media attention we have some how spiraled into this phase of people pretending to/ eating Tide pods?
Are parents even in the equation? I mean I'm not trying to lay blame on parents, because let's face it if a teen wants to get away with something they will find a way. However, that being said, I think that parents as a whole have become pretty disconnected from their children. So busy working or trying to "have a life", so afraid to offend or trigger their children by telling them no or making restrictions... maybe this isn't you, but I'm certain that someone comes to mind almost immediately that fits the bill.
I constantly hear from my children how I'm unreasonable and how they need/want more "freedom" like their peers. They are independent and don't need chaperones or "babysitters". I have to laugh, because I'm not ready for grandchildren and I want them to out live me, so yes, I'm going to be in "their business". I don't judge them. They can be who they want to be... it's a little late to really stop them... but I can guide them.... they have come to accept it. It's a lot to keep up with and some days I feel like I am losing my mind. How do you stay ahead of an ever-evolving technology?
Every day is a nightmare and a blessing. I worry if I am doing enough and if any of it is actually sinking in - and they surprise me all of the time with their kindness and compassion. So maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be all of the time and that's the only place we should be. There's just no way that I can stop shooting for the moon, even if I'm consistently lading only in the stars.
Lastly, my heart breaks for all of the parents losing children. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I hope peace find your hearts and our community heals soon.
I'm sure every parent has thought that they've had a harder go at it then their parents did raising them. At least that is what I tell myself, when I'm resisting the urge to bitch about my parenting woes. Perhaps it's true in some regard, as the world is constantly changing and evolving and you have to grow with it. Whether you want to or not.
I never thought I would be the one sitting here, coining phrases like " I long for a simpler time" or "when I was a kid"... blah blah blah, but here we are.
A neighboring school district has been battling a rash of teen suicides. They've had about 1 per month since school has started. People are so quick to point the finger and place blame. The community wants so badly to have someone or something to crucify for all this heartache. Ironically, I don't think that it is any one thing that is causing children to feel despair these days.
There has always been bullying and there will always be bullying... but let's face facts it was NEVER the way that it is now. If someone talks shit about you or you make a mistake you are risking only a few people knowing or even it being contained within your school and community.. you are facing judgement and ridicule globally. Worse yet, there is likely to be video evidence of it. How can you live that down?
Everyone has an opinion and our youth are constantly looking for validation. Are they good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, trendy enough... you get the idea. They spam polls and pictures throughout social media fishing for affirmations and are often times met with something quite the contrary. There is some real ugliness on the internet.
In an era of challenges and a yearn for followers and media attention we have some how spiraled into this phase of people pretending to/ eating Tide pods?
Are parents even in the equation? I mean I'm not trying to lay blame on parents, because let's face it if a teen wants to get away with something they will find a way. However, that being said, I think that parents as a whole have become pretty disconnected from their children. So busy working or trying to "have a life", so afraid to offend or trigger their children by telling them no or making restrictions... maybe this isn't you, but I'm certain that someone comes to mind almost immediately that fits the bill.
I constantly hear from my children how I'm unreasonable and how they need/want more "freedom" like their peers. They are independent and don't need chaperones or "babysitters". I have to laugh, because I'm not ready for grandchildren and I want them to out live me, so yes, I'm going to be in "their business". I don't judge them. They can be who they want to be... it's a little late to really stop them... but I can guide them.... they have come to accept it. It's a lot to keep up with and some days I feel like I am losing my mind. How do you stay ahead of an ever-evolving technology?
Every day is a nightmare and a blessing. I worry if I am doing enough and if any of it is actually sinking in - and they surprise me all of the time with their kindness and compassion. So maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be all of the time and that's the only place we should be. There's just no way that I can stop shooting for the moon, even if I'm consistently lading only in the stars.
Lastly, my heart breaks for all of the parents losing children. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I hope peace find your hearts and our community heals soon.
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