Friday the 13th - 2012

Friday the 13th 2012
I decided that I was going to keep the children home from school today and make it a four day weekend since they have Monday off for Martin Luther King Junior Day. Devoid any superstition about today's date - it seemed like the thing that was going to work out best.
We have had an on-going issue with my oldest son's teacher. I am not sure if it is just a personality conflict or the fact that she refuses to keep the lines of communication open but I just don't feel like we are on the same team. My husband says that she is flaky... but I could care less about that. She could be a whole box of flakiness and I wouldn't care if she would let me know what was going on with my kid so that he could complete the second grade and be done with it.
I spoke to the principal this morning and asked him to move my son to another second grade class at mid-term. He said that he would call me back next week to let me know his final decision. I can tell you know that it better be in accord with what I asked him or I will be contacting the school board next.
Yesterday, he came home from school with a note scrawled in his agenda book... she writes really big so that I have no room to write back and so being the bitch that I am I stapled a note to the page. I don't like her. Either way... the problem appears to be that he refused??? to do an assignment?? she go on to complain that he did the assignment but it took him 90 minutes so he was getting an "f" on it. When he got home and I talked to him about it he said that he actually was doing the assignment but that she was all over the place and he had no idea what she was asking him and once he tried to ask her she was talking to him like he was a dumbass and she had no time for him. PMTFO!! So I signed his paper and refused to ground him for it. I did however talk to him.
Yesterday was also my Father-in-law's birthday. When my husband arrived home from work we let the kids call him and sing to him. It was very cute. It looked like my husband was tearing up a little bit, which I also thought was very sweet. We talked to him and we are thinking about taking a vacation this summer to go see him.
It is gloomy out and there is still no snow on the ground. I get tired of the depressing rain.. but I am grateful that everyday it rains is a day that we do not have snow on the ground. I hate the snow - my kids would prolly string me up if they heard me saying that - but I do! I hate it with a passion. No one knows how to drive... it's cold and yucky... I would be fine if it just kept raining and we coasted on into Spring! I am actually looking forward to planting a few flowers this spring.
I would say garden... but there is no real way that I can have one here... space does not allow. I have half considered a container garden like they do on the rooftops in the city. I just don't know if we will have the extra money to invest in such a project. Gee, sure would be nice to have fresh veggies all summer long. Maybe I will look into it more and see what I can come up with.
Anyways that is all I have for today... The kids are home so I'm thinking it is a good time to bake some cookies and catch up on some Mommy time.

2011 sucked ass

2011 SUCKED ASS!
Excuse my language but it was the most horrible year that I have had in a long time. Namely because my Mother died.
I think a lot about the day that she died. About the events leading up to it and about the day itself. I remember franticly trying to get ahold of her and wondering where she could be but feeling the need to continue trying over and over only to find out later that was about the time that they had pronounced her dead. I mean was she reaching to me? Fighting not to go? It kills me. It slays me in such a gruesome way emotionally that I feel actual physical pain from it.
No one can describe the love you have for your mother (or for the person you consider to be your mother). No one can harness that love and toss labels all over it that would make someone understand the depth and magnitude of that affection. You may not even fully comprehend yourself how you feel for her, but I assure you when it slips like sand through your fingertips and falls away from you it will be painfully obvious just exactly what you have lost and the emptiness you then know will all but suffocate you.
I thought that I would lay down and die right beside her when they told me. I wanted to explode. Screams wretched from the bowels of my soul and still no comfort. I feel like that every single day still. I just hold it in as much as possible. I cry about everything. I miss everything. Her smell especially. The funny way she would say things to make me laugh and the way she loved me even when no one else could bring themselves to do it.
I feel alone without her. Disconnected from everyone and everything in such a way that I can't even tell you. It's like you see the gloss of the surface but are totallly missing the murky mess beneath.
I hear people tell me that it will get better. I guess because they have experienced loss and it got better for them. But you are wrong. It won't ever get better or easier for me. I am forever altered now that she is gone. Her passing casterated my heart. You can cauderize a wound so that it will not contuinue to bleed out - but sometimes without you knowing there is a slow bleed within that poisons you. THIS is the hurt I feel.
It sucks you know because I love my children very much. I want to be there for them and I want to live long enough to be a part of my grandchildren and great grandchildrens lives. I have serious doubts of it happening sometimes I mean my Grandmother died at 63 and my mother at 52... am I to die at 41?  My mother died exactly 5 years after my grandmother and that would be exactly 5 years after my mother... see a pattern?
My grandmother was sick. I guess we knew that she was going to go somehow. But my Mother... she wasn't sick at all. I was robbed of her. I cannot wrap my head around it at all. Her ashes sit only feet from my bed so that I can see them when I open my eyes. See I dream of her and sometimes it is so real that I forget that she is dead. I could fool myself but reality is a hard-hitting abusive prick.
I was telling a friend the other day that I will prolly never be able to let her go. I think of all the people that are able to scatter ashes or press them in the earth and I just  don't see me being able to let her go. I know the ashes are not her. That is to say, that she is gone from this earth and they do not contain her very soul merely pieces of the vessel. But the vessel is what held me close and the vessel is all that I have left.
My mother's boyfriend of 18 years is a total asshole. I had the legal right to remove everything from the house but I didn't. I tried to be civil, yet he continues to slight me for hate. He withholds family heirlooms that are sentimental to my family from me. He is brash and hateful in his speak to me, about me and my children and he I think it majorly an injustice that he contnues to suck air from the earth. I am cornered to a decision point where I have to decide whether to persue legal action against him for with-holding what is rightfully mine or to cut my losses and let karma do it's work. The thing is that I don't know what I am capable of living with and it pisses me off because one day he will move on and those things mean nothing or hold no monatary value so he will purge them, but she will always be my only mother and he is just doing it to be hateful to me.
In fact I lost my entire family at the same time that I lost my Mother. Not a single one of them make any way to contact me or inquire as to how I or the boys are. None of them. Not a one. I have nothing to offer them. However I bet if I won the lotto tomorrow they'd be sweet as pie. Shame. I'm actually apretty amazing person when you take the time to get to know me and you are not trying to treat me bad. If you met them ever, you could see how they could totally miss that.
My Mothers' friend tells me all the time how they are garbage and I am better off without them... that my mother was never a part of the kind of people that they are and that I really just don't need them in my life. I see other family's function and good or bad they are better than anything that I ever had with my mother's siblings.
My husbands family is amazing and I am so blessed to have them open their hearts to me. They are the family that I always wanted in so many ways and I am eternally grateful that my children will grow inside of their masses - knowing the warmth and love of a real family.
I have much to be grateful for. Please don't think in the wake of my misery that I take any of that for granted.
I am also blessed with some pretty amazing friends. Thank you.
With the grace of God, find mercy and let 2012 be filled with blessings.

Parent Teacher Conference 11/12

Okay so I need to give a little preface before we hop right into how the parent teacher conferences went. Jaylon is is second grade and this is his first year in New Jersey. His Teacher is a nice lady but we are not completely seeing eye to eye. A month or so ago is when most of the problem, as I see it, started. The children were learning how to write letters. They were permitted to write whomever they wished and Jaylon opted to write his father in Ohio. Jaylon comes home with an envelope with Mark's name on it with only the address missing and reports to me that his teacher was unable to find Mark's address on the internet!! I was outraged!! I mean Mark isn't on any of the children's paperwork and without even asking me or knowing what kind of man he was she was going to introduce communication with him? OMG!!
On to issue 2 : Jaylon is told that he is doing drugs because he uses a cough drop and that if he is sick he should stay home. The cough drops were left with the nurse per school policy and she was not permitting him to go to the nurses office to get one, she would instead give him a piece of candy. (wait.. Who authorized you to give my son sugar?) do not appreciate Jaylon being told that if he is sick he is not allowed to be at school. We are fighting hard enough to keep him interested and wanting to go. I feel like if a teacher feels that the student is ill then they should send the child to the nurse. I feel like if the nurse wants to give my child an excused absence and go against the recommendation of his physician then she should do so, but I do not have the ability to excuse my child from class when he does not have a doctors note, so if the doctor says he is able to go to school and he is not throwing up he is going to be there. Also, I felt it was only common sense that on the days that it is cold enough to see your breath that the kids would not be out in the weather. When Jaylon is already producing symptoms or a viral infection that could very well produce themselves into a much more severe cold with a little push that he should not go outdoors for recess. Perhaps again I am missing out an not aware of a school policy here, but I was pretty sure that the goal was to keep the students IN SCHOOL where they could learn.
Issue 3: Bribing my child to do what he should be doing. Bribery is not my choice method of encouraging a child and you may find that children that are not accustomed to being bribed to behave well will often respond negatively to it. Jaylon seems to be more focused on the prize than the actual behavior required to achieve said prize. I would prefer that he didn't bring home “sticky hands” and the likes of them as they leave dirty marks upon my walls and only become something that he and his siblings fight over. Wouldn't greater rewards for the children be certificates, awards and what not that would earn them privileges or things that could actually be of some use like a pencil or colored eraser, scented even! I encourage him at home to always be on good behavior because he never knows what is under way. Food, snacks, candy and annoying whistles and toys you throw are not my idea of rewards. If I need to provide rewards specifically for my child... yanno... Let me know!
Issue 4: There was an issue at the beginning of the year with some students from Jaylon's class being unkind to him. Typical.. I mean Jaylon is double their size so they assume he is stupid and they are frightened so it's easier for them to act as if they don't like him at all. Sarcasm and dry wit are totally wasted on my child, he assumes when you are speaking that you are being literal and that you would have no cause to jest with him. He is kind-hearted and moderately meek and non-aggressive, so it came as a bit of a shock to me when his teacher sent a note home explaining to me that he was "bullying" another child... Upon further inspection the child was a girl, and not just any girl... A girl that rides his bus, a girl that he smiles and laughs and talks to each morning. His teacher approached the situation as if Jaylon was being racist by not wanting her in his group ( I'M SO FN P-O'D ABOUT THIS) First off, as I mentioned.. Jaylon likes this girl and she is from our neighborhood - second nothing racist was said, and third... NO WAY MY SON COULD BE A RACIST... he is from a culturally diverse family set! PMTFO!! You assume it is an issue with racism since he is "white" and she is "black"??? WTF!!... It makes me wonder if she herself has issues with race.
Issue 5: Her command of the classroom. She lets the children do as they please and then wonders why she is having issues. I sat in on the class and it was pure chaos!!!! I wanted to hand her a bullet before her lunch break. She allows them to leave their desks and work in other parts of the classroom. She allows them to stand and jump and dance around in the middle of her speaking... WAIT!! NO WONDER MY SON HAS NO ATTENTION SPAN NOW!!
She allows them to work ahead when they are supposed to be working together as a class ... I mean I am no instructor but come on... How long does the boat have to take on water before you figure out that you are sinking?
On to the conference...
It was a whirlwind in which I took control and commanded her full attention. I politely outlined the issues that I was having with what was happening and I clearly stated the boundaries that I wanted to be kept. If I cannot be at the school every day to make sure of what my child is doing and point him in the right direction then I need her to be part of the team and stop trying to be their peer and actually meet the needs of the children and provide the only service that she is actually there to provide, forth wit being their instructor and mentor and teaching them the required coursework.
I illuminated to her the importance of maintaining an authoritative role with the children, especially mine. I do not want my child to be permitted to "slack" - he is there to learn and I assure you that if I was sitting beside him - you would see a different child altogether.
I am exasperated that I have to go to such lengths to get what I want from a school/teacher. Perhaps my expectations are too high... Perhaps other parents should expect more. The children are our future if we cheat them and deprive them of the use of manners, the importance of responsibility, the thirst for knowledge... We are only cheating ourselves.

Thank You Shop-rite employee

I generally hate going to do shopping of any type during the holiday season. The stores are crowded and full of people who are so focused on their tasks that they forget their manners or fore go them totally. Once when I was pregnant with my oldest son Jaylon, a woman hit me in the stomach with her shopping cart! She didn't even say excuse me or nothing, and I was 8 months pregnant... It's not like there was any way she couldn't have noticed.
So last evening we ventured out to Shop-Rite to get a few essential groceries and some items that I needed for the thanksgiving holiday, as I wanted to bake something to take to our family's house this Thursday. The store was bustling with customers which was evident before we even entered and much of the reason that Javier decided to drop Gavin and I off at the door and let he and Jaylon wait in the car. Gavin and I trekked through the isles and he was so polite and being so behaved (this is not his typical behavior in the store) The isles were congested and stockers were racing to restock items that were quickly being depleted. (nope they weren't giving away anything great! haha) we collected all of our items and remembered on the way to the register that we needed cereal and lunchmeats. I turned down the cereal isle and Gavin picked out some fruit loops and I picked corn flakes. He froze mid isles where the store had strategically placed a toy section and selected a blue toy car. I looked at him and told him "Come on son... We got to get luchmeat and get going". He raced to my side and asked me so sweetly for the toy. I didn't even know how much it cost, but it was surely overpriced and not what we came for and I simply did not have the extra money to purchase anything not on my list. He was breaking my heart as he put the item back and I talked to him a lot about it as we headed towards the deli.
It was no comfort for him to hear that he could ask Santa for it. I didn't want to hear that I couldn't afford to get it. He wasn't unreasonable about it, but he had real tears and sobbed quietly as he placed his head down on the cart. A Shop-Rite employee looks over to me and asks.. "What's the matter, what is it he wants?" I explained that he wanted a toy car from the cereal isle and that even tho I didn't know how much it cost, I couldn't afford to get things not on my list and that he would be fine. She paused for a minute and asked me if I would be offended if she bought the toy for him. I told her that wasn't necessary but she insisted.
She escorted Gavin to the cereal isle where he was reunited with the toy car that he had so cherished only moments before and then to the self-pay checkout where she purchased it put a paid sticker on it and returned him to me. He hugged her hard and thanked her and I fought back some tears. It reminded me of something my  Mother would do, and suddenly I missed her more than ever.
Some people are just nice for no reason.
She touched Gavin's heart in such a way that no words can express and some how I know he will never forget the kindness of that stranger.

10.1.11

Doesn't it suck when you are sick and it goes by seemingly unnoticed by all the people who would have you to cater to them like they are infants when they are ill or not feeling well? It makes me feel like I don't matter and that my feelings, wellness and wellbeing are unimportant. But then what is new right? I already know that my opinion doesn't matter and that when someone is going to have to do without that it is going to have to be me making the sacrifices. I can hardly stand the fact that I am just supposed to be on hold all of the fucking time I mean like I can't have an agenda and get things done? no cause I always have to wait on someone else and their time table or schedule I have absolutely no say in anything that is happening in my life at all and I feel much like a prisioner.
My car is fucked up... can we fix it - no... can I have a ride?... when you feel like it? ugh.. I want to rip my hair out. how long until you are done working?.. what is a little while? an hour 5 hours? what the fuck ever don't be mad when we don't have any dinner. and we still have laundry to do.
I want to run away but there is nowhere to run. I want to go for a drive.. nope... I want to go for a walk... nope... why? so my kids can cry and freak out while they are ignored to the tune of 90's durst bitch hate music? or following me around wondering why I am crying?... exactly.. no escape.
I think about suicide all of the time. It sucks that I love my children so much and can't bare the thought of them having to go through the world being less loved by anyone other than me.... when they deserve more than even I can give them. I feel like a fuck up and a fool and like I am paying the price in my life in so many ways for a series of poorly informed choices that I made under false pretenses that were presented to me so eloquently. Funny how that always seems to be doesn't it? It's like my life in general  is just one big series of decisions that I should have made differently... yet when I am looking back on it though the decision seems wrong and misplaced I still cannot seem to think of a different outcome by making a different decidion along the way because even if I would like to omit something along the way there is always some little event around the corner from that poor choice that makes the bad ones not seem so terrible.
I think a lot about what my mother said to me about the choices that she made with Chris and why we suffered through those 12 years of our lives. I mean we did it together and she is right about that and we were not in as bad of a situation as maybe we could have been - I thought that to be such a rediculous thing when she had talked to me about that and I often wondered to myself if it was just a cop-out of if infact there really was no other relative option available at the time. I mean she wasn't a stupid woman, my mother; but I always disliked her old school, stand by your man type thinking that she learned from my Grandmother. I mean who seriously wants to live like that?
I never asked my Grandmother... cause I always just assumed that it was a product of 50's thinking and the fact that she had 6 fucking children. But even still under those circumstances I doubt that I could have remained with a man that was fucking around on me. Let alone have the bitch over to dinner and such. (without poisoning her anyways)
I want to make some sense of the choices that they made and understand them with some sort of rationaly reasoning but I cannot.
I always swore that I would not put myself into a situation where I didn't have a voice. I wouldn't let my head be forced into the corner where I was helpless and didn't matter but in a sense I feel like exactly that is what happened to me.
I can't say how I really feel about anything without it causing a stink... atleast that is the way that it feels since everytime that I voice my opinion in full it ensues an arguement. The voice gets raised, the door slames, the speed limit is ignored, the headphones pop on and the music is blaring. Though all of these outlets for rage in a sense are denied of me. I can do nothing but sit in silence or do housework. LAME.
I would tell you it is no way to live and I wouldn't be lying. It is fully beyond the spectrum of behaviors that I know to function in this compacity. The silent, obiediant, plain jane wife/mother/maid/housekeeper/nurse/seamtress/decorater/baker/short order cok/chauffeur/analyst/therapist/financial planner/blah blah blah. KILL ME NOW!

Homosexuality - schools - our children

I am a little disturbed after having viewed a video on CNN regarding bullying of children. ( http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/09/20/ac-kth-bullying-in-america.cnn?hpt=hp_c2 ) The video happens to include several snipits of video; mainly a youtube video of the "bi-sexual child" who committed suicide and then several snipits of lawmakers and religeous persons that basically justify this child's suicide. UGH!!!!!!!! I am outraged. First off, when did we start labeling children? IT'S A CHILD!!!! I am seriously sick of being a part of a species that feels the need to label, discriminate and abuse. Bullying is bad. Duh! But once worse, your minister telling you that since your religion teaches that homosexuality is a sin that it is permissible for you to chastise another who's belief differs from yours to the point of abuse; it's  plain ignorant. What is next?... do these individuals plan to burn homosexuals at the stake as they did "witches" long ago... EVOLUTION people... it's about growing up! I am seriously wondering how some of these people got into positions of power to begin with - it's like they are three grunts away from being cavemen.
I thought God taught love, tolerance, peace? You make a mockery of your own religion by encouraging or practicing such behaviors. Stating that the children that did the bullying should into be penalized because they were taught that homosexuality is a sin.... okay then... let us punish YOU... the bigot that taught them the hate and intolerance of others.
I am glad I wasn't raised to hate. Your skin is the same as mine... you cut it, it bleeds. 
They propose that it homosexual history should be taught in school. I disagree with that sorry. I don't believe that we need to spotlight any portion of our history... I don't agree with Black history month and hence I would not support a gay history month or any other creed. I think we have a history and we should teach it. All of it - as a whole. No one group has suffered more than another and we are all in the same boat now. I can hear you complaining... keep it down over there; and yes I am aware of the era of slavery.... but do we need a month to celebrate it? If that be the case where is Jewish history month? I think I have made my point.
It is sad that we the people - treat our people so poorly. That our children would feel unloved enough ever to commit suicide. That they would feel cast out and rejected or alone. It is pathetic that we don't search ourselves and aim to be better humans. Life is too short to hate & who are you to judge?
You would think that with all the adversity in the world that people would unite and as a whole try to encumber the obstacles and woe that face us as a species. It we as a people put as much energy into tolerance as we put into intolerance we might actually find ourselves without so much adversity.
I am very sad for the future.
The news is disturbing.

Mark Jones is a Dick!

I am so wholly frustrated... In the past couple weeks I have had to sit down and do more explaining to my children then I ever thought I would have to do before they hit Junior High School. I could go on and digress over how much of a deadbeat waste of space I think their biological father is; but then I have been down this road with all of you before and anyone that knows me knows that I detest the fact that the man sucks air off the same planet as I. I have thought for many years that the kids' dad had an unhealthy addiction to pornography; the countless high cable bills and phone bills and the hidden collections totaling up to about a dozen or more paper boxes were huge indicators and part of the reason that I excluded him from my life long ago. I can't explain why I try to be the bigger person for the children and let them have a relationship with him... I always felt that I was controlling it to some extent because he was never really alone with the children... I would make him visit with them at my home. It's like he himself is a child and needs to be monitored.
He came to me about a month ago and asked me for another chance with the boys. He had gotten a job now working at a local rest home doing laundry and he was trying to turn his life around and be more responsible...I found it hard to believe that he may have had an epiphany, but I wasn't exactly in the best situation still recuperating from injuries and  seemingly home alone with my children. He offered to pay back some of the money for a phone bill he had run up in my name only a couple months before and talked profusely about making right some poor choices he had made in the past. Most of this went in one ear and out the other with me as time and experience would prove to me over and over throughout the years that it's just better to believe it when I see it. He has never really been there for either of the boys in the traditional parental role; I closed that series of my life about a month after Gavin was conceived and began to realistically move on. His response to me ousting him from my life was to go get a tattoo of my name with hearts on his shoulder and to propose marriage...ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME... we are broke up.  This from a man that called sex lines religiously when we were together and continually endangered my children by being lazy and not watching them when he was supposed to? This from a man who ran up my telephone and cable bills to amounts that I would have never thought possible... thousands and thousands of dollars... simply insane.
I feel guilty a lot - I never wanted this life for my children.. a product of a broken home myself; my parents divorced when I was three and I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up. It was a constant fight for his time and emotionally I felt abandoned by him. My mother remarried when I was 5 to a younger man who never wanted children; I never liked him from the beginning... it's like an extra sense perhaps that children have to signify that people are just no good... he would later become abusive; telling me everyday that I was ugly and closing me off from the real world and making healthy friend relationships as a child, some of you may remember that I was never really allowed to have company over to the house and rarely allowed to go anywhere. When his and my mother's relationship fell to ashes, long about the time that I was about 15 or 16 he started making sexual advances towards me and subsequently I moved  to Massillon to live with my Grandmother... while my mother went through a divorce. I blamed myself, I blamed my mother, I blamed my father for not doing what it took to hold their marriage together... I hated the world. Why would I want this for my sons?
I try to keep him in their lives in some capacity and now I wish that I would have extinguished him all together so very long ago. My child recently brought to my attention some inappropriate behavior that his father exposed him to. He shared with my boyfriend Jason that he woke to find his father exposed in his bed,,, I COULD JUST DIE RIGHT NOW... without getting too much into it - I feel like this is my fault. As far as I no nothing really happened as far as physically but I filed a report with children services and soon will be taking my sons to a forensic psychologist for an evaluation; by the grace of God it will take all the energy I have in my soul to make it through this and I am grateful to have Jason by my side to help me be strong for the children... and attempt to carry on as normal.
This seals the fact that Mark will have no contact with the children... this buries the guilt that I felt for not wanting him to be a part of their lives... but spawn new guilt that I allowed him access to them. It makes me wonder if he tried to burn the house down on purpose; an attempt to hide away the fact that he fucked up?
There are so many thoughts going through my mind at the moment I don't know how I can begin to explain... I am angry and scared and hurt all at the same time and mostly I am worried about my son and what this has done to him. I am worried about what I will hear when they talk to him and what they will discover and how that may make me feel to know. I mean who would ever think that a parent would do something like that? who would ever think that you could do anything to harm any child let alone your own biological child. Jason is furious and wants to harm Mark... typical reaction I think... he loves those boys like they were his own... but he is being so much stronger about this than I am... he calmly went through the children services intake interview with me and offered me a lot of consolation which I desperately needed. It is a long road that we have to journey down now and I am well aware that it is not going to be an easy one. I am glad to have a hand to hold and I am grateful for the people in my life that bring me strength and empower me. Thank YOU all of YOU...  Sorry to unload on all of you I needed to get some of this out.

I am green

I see you wrapped up in your whirl of love and I envy you...
stop and see me there I am the girl sitting alone in the distance in despair
wanting to be like you
painfully watching
wishing I knew
what it felt like to dance in the shine of my lovers fixated gaze
and be beautiful
if only to him
I don't blame you
I wouldn't notice me either
ahh to be in love
in bliss
something for me that has always seemed hit and miss
though I have longed for it with the ache of a thousand salt-soaked sores
with a churning in my soul that seems ceaseless
tiresome
a chore,
painting a smile 
and wiping away the tears each morning
I face the day and pretend
that it fits in my life
this finale
this end
this hallow emptiness
the shuddering cold of alone
laying in the night with no hand to hold
half can never be whole
it will always be less
and it misses the pieces that sought refuge in his chest
I cluttered his heart
and for that I am sorry
but cleaning me out and moving on leaves me so melancholy
broken and battered
with a heart that is shattered
finding it hard to delight in even the light of the star-filled night
I am the wilted flower in the vase on his table
the comfortable shoe he can bare no longer to wear
the ring of the phone on an empty street
the whistle of the wind that chatters your teeth
the envious
hateful
bitter
cynical girl
who once was just like that beautiful duo
who shone and sparkled
and passed others without notice
who gleeful laughed and boasted my moments
what irony
what iron rue
that hopelessly I stare
barren
mournful almost
without a clue
and in the moment that you pass...
dying just a little
to have it all back.

2-2-11

I wish I would have had some clue at the start of the day that things would go so horribly wrong. Today started much the same as any other day; awaken to the squall of the alarm clock only to find that school had already been canceled, my boyfriend was quick on his feet to tell my son to go back to bed and then hurried back to snuggle me off to sleep in the comfort of his arms... my most favored place to be.
The day set off without a hitch and we woke only a couple hours later to the soft creep of the dim morning light coming through our bedroom window. Jason and I both showered and got ready to face the day at hand; he pleasantly kissed me bunches and told me how beautiful I looked today and I thought to myself how wonderful is this man of mine. My boyfriend asked me if I just wanted to stay home or if I wanted to venture out into the weather to get the rest of the items that we were seeking for my son's Birthday which was only a couple of days away... I remember taking great notice to the fact that I was being asked and I couldn't place why the question stood out to me as something that I should take notice to... looking back now it's as if it were a sign of things to come... like I was playing a role in that crappy horror film Final Destination or like I was some wanton character in a choose your own adventure book of some unforeseen force. We opted to go out into the day and I recall hearing a radio DJ saying on the radio "why would you even go out in this weather if you didn't HAVE to"; hint number two I suppose. We were just sitting in the car mulling through traffic and had noted that we needed to check the bulb in the turn signal and that would would do it at our next destination since we had a replacement in the glove compartment of the car... and since the destination was only another 1/4 mile away that we should be fine until we got there... just then we see a Perry police officer in oncoming traffic, he did a u-turn and got behind us and subsequently decided to pull us over... GAME OVER... he had a warrant for failure to appear and he was driving on a suspended license... the officer placed both of us in the back of the car and called a tow truck for my vehicle... he then called Canton Police station to come and pick him up and asked me to call for a ride.... ARGHHHHHHHHH I am so effin frustrated! It seems that the simple decision to stay home could have avoided all of this... but he maintained that it was only a matter of time before they arrested him Anyways.... and that it was okay because now he would just be getting everything handled and not have to worry about it anymore. I hope that is true.
I am hoping that the judge will show mercy to him and not be so angry with him for not making it to court because I really need for him to be home and I know in my heart that any lesson that he needed to learn that it would seem that he already has. No punishment that the courts could give him for a misdemeanor charge could equal the amount of guilt he has expressed feeling for leaving me; especially while I was injured... I feel so terrible that he beats himself up about it, because I love him so much and the last thing I want to do is see him hurting.... and besides, I am just grateful to have him home - I feel so lost and less without him.
So here I sit - alone - waiting... I know now that the earliest that I will hear from him is tomorrow and the minutes are passing so slowly. I worry about him every minute that he is away from me - no one could love him like I love him... no one has his best interest at heart like I do and no one will go to the lengths to understand him like I do... I need him and he needs me - GIVE HIM BACK TO ME FOOKERS!

Reflection

I hate looking back on the past and letting my mind run away with contemplation. I think that nearly everyone has moments where they consider the course of their lives and how they got to the point where they are currently, but I wish that I could just stop myself in my tracks sometimes. I have absorbed, essentially, many traits of people that have filled spaces in my life over the years and I have taken in to my habit scheme their fears, insecurities and inhibitions some how. It's odd how you can fight so hard to be your own person and stand on this firm ground only to find out somewhere along the lines that your rock was merely a shell filled with quicksand. I have always thought that I take the best away from people... That I discovered things in others that enriched me in ways or rounded out my personality in a sense and incorporated them into my life.. It seems however after some reflection that I have taken some bad with the good.
I find myself in a place mentally and emotionally that seems proverbially like a terminal gate at the airport... So many choices of a destination and although I have a clear mindset as to where I would like to end up, I am sitting before these gates, unclear as which to choose to get where I am going. In the real world.. You can easily ask for clear direction and you have at least a shot of getting the desired result, with minimal room for error. I wish it were so cut and dry when making life choices.
I am a worry wart... I always have been.. I most likely always will be. I can't turn my head off and I constantly think and find reason for concern in my life. I feel like I always have so much on my plate and I am pulled at the seems trying to meet all of my obligations and somewhere along the lines I am falling short... Or am I? It's hard to be a parent and know the right path to travel with your children. In addition to worrying about their safety and health, you have to wonder if you are doing the things that will enrich their lives in a positive manor and help them to make choices that will lead to the healthy productive filled with happiness that you wish for them. My Grandmother used to always assure me that that main objective was simply to do the best that you can do and put them first in your life whenever humanly possible. I feel like I do that.... In fact I feel like the greater portion of my goal set is derived from the things that I want to make happen for them or that I feel are necessary to help them grow into responsible adults... I think every parent wants the best for their kids, but it is easy for me to find fault in the way that things go. Sometimes it simply feels like I am beating my head against the wall and getting nowhere with them. They are so headstrong and set into the idea that they can pretend to not know what we have went over a million times and skate away Scott-free. I have to wonder at these times is they are playing dumb with me or if they just didn't pay attention at all... I hear selective hearing is quite common.
It's not just my kids... It is everything.. My family, my job, my health, my home, my relationship... So many factors figure into the whirlwind ransacking my brain. I find myself seeking approval from everyone and wanting to keep the peace and somehow getting lost in the midst. I hear a voice in my head saying "you can't please everyone"... And I feel myself responding sometimes... "I can try" - that can't be healthy - LOL
I took great notice yesterday in the middle of the day that I had taken into myself and seemingly altered my behaviors based on another's criticism of my some many years ago. I looked back to it and thought it odd that I remember fighting that comment so boldly when that person was in my life and seemingly defending my behaviors with rational, well thought out retort and justification... So why then after they were gone did I without notice or coherent thought change this behavior and conform to their criticism? It bothers me greatly that I didn't even notice that I had changed it. I can only conclude that words sit with people. You sink these things into yourself and digest them in such a way that even if you put them totally out of your mind they have a way of staining you and swaying the course of your life.
That worries me...
It causes me to reflect upon other actions in my life and give great scrutiny to my reasoning behind them... OMG do I even know who I am? LOL Once worse... What about the impact that I have on others? I mean I have said and done some pretty messed up shit in my life out of anger and intolerance for others. I admit, I generally try to retract my hate and indifference when my anger or hurt has subsided but I can be a real asshole when the opportunity presents its self. (I'm sorry)
I genuinely want to be a good person, a good mother, a great girlfriend, a model citizen, a treasured friend and heaven help me ... A loving & kind wife on day. I want to be employee of the month, woman of the year and featured business owner of the community. I want a verifiable obituary, filled with amazing truths about the goodness I gave the world and the people who I was lucky enough to have touch my life... It would be great to do all of that and have people actually miss me when that times comes. LOL
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'd have to say that road leads directly to my high-rise condo next to the lake of fire... See you there @ the end of days.